"Wanna fuck?" asked Mary Sue.

"I come from a race of ancient, immortal, completely monogamous beings who're almost entirely asexual…" Legolas shrugged. "So no."

"Wanna fuck?" asked Tauriel.

"Six centuries ago you were just a little girl!" Legolas wailed. "Where did I go wrong?"

"Wanna fuck?" asked Sigrid.

"Um…" Legolas said. "I don't date under-aged girls. That's called pedophilia and statutory rape. Do your parents know you're online talking to older guys like this?"

"Wanna fuck?" asked Kíli and Fíli.

"Sorry, I don't do threesomes," Legolas explained. "Or necrophilia."

"Wanna fuck?" asked Smaug.

"What is this?" Legolas sighed. "Brokeback Lonely Mountain?"

"Wanna fuck?" asked Aragorn.

"Does Arwen know you're on the down low?" Legolas demanded. "I'm taking you to Elrond and you're getting tested and you'd better pray to Valar her and Eldarion don't have any STD's."

"Wanna fuck?" asked Arwen.

"Um…you're kinda married to my best friend," Legolas said. "So no."

"Wanna fuck?" asked Bard.

"Shouldn't someone be watching your three kids?" Legolas wondered.

"Wanna fuck?" asked Thranduil.

"Hello, Child Protective Services?" Legolas asked. "I need to report solicitation of a minor…"

"Wanna be my platonic life partner?" asked Gimli.

"Oh, Gimli…" Legolas blushed. "I thought you'd never ask!"

The End