The Bridge i had to cross

by imsoproudofyou

AN:

Hi!

I'd like to give a gift (:)) to one of the most talented writes here, oucellogal.

So, Buddy, this one's dedicated to you :)

After we did a bit of „Scotty philosophize" and watchin' the episode with this guy who

throw a girl down a bridge and was falsely supposed to be Elissas murderer today,

this popped into my head ;)

Hope ya enjoy!

Reviews are always appreciated!

I'd like to „hear" your opinions!

But please be kind- english's not

my native language, but i really tried!

Disclaimer: Nothin's mine.

Sad thing because if... na.

Can't give that away 'cause

that'll be eating me up alive!

Scottys POV

It was a cloudy night.

And it was exact seven years ago that Elissa died.

That Boss told me that the only love of my life

went down into the river.

I couldn't sleep tonight.

I tried to work but- well, what can i say- it didn't „work"!

I was running 'round like a ghost at the bullpen until

Boss told me to take the day off.

As if that would help.

I stared up to the clouds above my head and remembered myself

the day when my old colleaque Anna from West told me

that they have found a guy-

a guy who had tried to throw a girl into the river.

The same way Elissa had chosen to leave me.

But it was a mistake- a horrible mistake which tore off my freshly healed wounds again.

„He was not the doer."

I told Anna and stormed out of the building,

almost blind i tried to blink back the tears that welled up in my eyes.

That day i lost my hope that Elissa hadn't killed herself, that she had been murdered instead.

And that i could find someone who was responsible for her death.

Someone else...but me. Anybody.

This hope had flared up like a candle in the wind and was crashed the same moment.

Today, -now-, so many years later,

I was not even with that I had walked up to the bridge,
until I stood on, the wind whirled around my ears like the roar of a lion who stood directly by my side.

My wrist gave away a crack as i clinged myself to the cool metal, leant over,

stared at the water which flowed in a deep and dark whirl so many feet under me.

What kind of feeling would it be to fall down there?

To sink under the surface, deep down into this bottomless darkness?

My knees were shaking as the thoughts started to blossom inside me and my fingers were turnin' white around the railing.

And i shook my head against the song of the siren that was comin' from down there, beggin' me,

laughin' at me.

Exactly knowin' my weakness.

I saw brown eyes that were starin' back at me from these waters.

Long dark strands in the torrent which were callin' for me to reach out

and took them back behind her ear.

And the longing to follow her down that path was so strong...

It's eating me up alive- even after all those years...

Abruptly my thoughts came into line

and i remembered someone who knew that kind of feeling... Lil.

Lil was there- and she came back again.

She- unlike Elissa- phoned me that day Kitchner had thrown her and her car down that dark path.

All out of the sudden i needed to see her, to hear her voice.

Lil's alive.

To be exact- Lil is life.

A part of my life to be honest.

My partner.

I'm always watchin' her back- like she watches mine.

I wished desperate to remember myself that there was at least

one woman in this world whom i was able to save from death.

While i drove to her house pictures were following me.

Lil's face, soaked with the dirty, wet with water from the river,

after the rescue team brought her out of the dark waves.

Her paleness, her normally silk-like blond strands, clutched around her head now

and those glacial ice eyes of hers... dark and wide with shock... like saphires.

„Everything will be okay, Lil!"

I told her as i saw her with the paramedics,

almost couldn't control myself any longer,

my hand hovered over her shoulder

as i leant over her on the strecher.

But is it really?

After that?

No.

It isn't.

She's not okay.

I'm not okay with it.

I couldn't stand the very thought of it while she told me 'hounders of times

she was okay after all that crap.

That's the moment i wished it's my turn-to scream at her: „You lied to my face!"

I always thought about the fact that if i had done..something... more,- something... a bit earlier...,

maybe i could have saved her before all those idiots did these horrible things to her.

It seemed to me that with every attack against her i was the one-

always gettin' a little to late to her rescue.

Like a great failure, like i was doomed to fail everytime, though i tried to come right in time

even harder every single time.

What kind of fool i am?

To believe everything will be okay after all... after they tried to kill her?

If there were the days when I could see what the demons had done to her?

To her soul?

Our demons have never left us...

Had i ever a good night after all these killshots?

No.

I tossed and turned the sheets every damn night since the Romeo case.

Sometimes i followed her.

Not that she would have noticed it...

i would have been dead if she became aware of me stalkin' around her.

But i was careful- hey- not an undercover cop for nothin'!

So she didn't noticed it.

But it was painful.

To watch her with Saccardo.

Or to watch how she lived her life and knowin' the same instant

that i could never be another part of it than what i already was.

Her partner at work. A friend.

Maybe a dear friend. A companion.

But never what i wished i could be.

Something more.

Someone who was more important to her.

I sighed and turned off the engine.

Her house was dark, just a single lamp was dimmed down at her bedroom.

Maybe she was reading a file or the book that she took with her to work the last days...

not that i had wanted to look... but she practically swung it under my nose...

Never thought she would read something like that though...

„Heat Rises".

Written by some guy named Richard Castle.

A hot girl with a gun on the cover...

Had made a few comments about it myself but

she only had always smiled at me over her desk

and or threw me a look she had given a twelfe year old

who would have asked her for the bees and the flowers...

such as if i haven't got a clue what's good literature.

Although this was a really tough day for me- even after all those years-,

but a small smile had captured my lips now and a warmth flooded down my spine...

thinkin' about Lil.

That was the moment in which I registered that I was still sitting in the car

I remembered the day when Lil and Elissa met for the first time.

And i would never forget the moment when Elissa said to Lil:

„Oh! You're beautiful!"

Seriously!

That's what my fiance said to my partner.

And ya know?

She was right.

Elissa was someone who could see straight into the soul of a person.

And she was always right with her declarations about every person she's ever met.

Sure Lil's beautiful.

And it is some kind of nice to know that Elissa had this kinda' thoughts about my partner.

Sometimes it really feels like as if i had Elissas permission to think of Lil

as a beautiful woman, in a „men's way".

It's strange but... comforting.

So totally Elissa...

always wantin' what's best for me.

Though i will always think she made this wrong decision about me

back at that time.. the day she had choosen the way she had left me.

But she was sick at that time so maybe this one didn't count.

Man...who could i decieve?

Not her. Elissa i mean.

She knew me better than anyone else.

And maybe she had seen something deep down in my eyes at that time, too.

Somethin' about me, looking at Lil in a way i shouldn't have because i still was with Elissa...

and i couldn't have fooled Elissa even if i'd tried.

Or, if I did not even know myself, that there was something there,
what I had to hide from her.

Nor from myself any longer.

Good old Elissa.

She had loved me.

So much that she had wanted to see me happy again...

one day after she had „left" me...

even if it was with another woman.

So... she'd picked Lilly.

Of all woman- my Elissa picked Lil for me.

I'm a little angry with her if i'm honest.

Because she was a bit unfair to me in that matter,

because she gave me no way.

Well, if i have to though, i wouldn't change my mind.

As i said earlier- Elissa knew me very, very good.

So i have to admit it.

I'm helplessly in love with Lilly Rush.

A knock at my window shook me out of my reverie and i glanced around

only to see two glacier eyes searchin' my gaze and slowly i had to let down the window.

Lil stood there in her light blue cardigan

at the side of my car and watched me, and she seemed deeply impressed to see me.

It's the cardigan she wore in Nashville that night in the hotel.

Now she's analysin' me.

I laid there like an open book, naked before her eyes.

I shuddered by noticin' the intensity of her glance in my direction

and climbed out of the car at least,

uncertain of what to do now.

She came a little closer and her eyes roamed around my unshaved face,

over the shadows under my eyes, the wrinkles on my suit.

But now... she did something that I never expected from her.

She reached out and took me into her arms.

Not that she ever did that before!

And now... how can she possible know what's goin' on with me, this damn day and Elissa and...

She's so small... so tiny...so strong.

And some kinda'f warm.

If i ever had thought about taking her into my arms.., i have to admit that i thought

it might be as if i was going to give a hug to an iceberg.

Because this day, the day she returned from her days off after her shootin', it was a little bit like that.

This one time i had the courage to embrace her.

And today...

Never thought of myself cryin' in front of the one woman i tried to impress my damn whole life since i met her.

But no-

It's not like that at all.

Not even awkward.

It's warm and nice and felt so good to be into an embrace with her,

though i never thought of myself as the one... depending on her strength in this very moment...

I am the damsel in distress!

First Lil just kept me lightly against her small frame.

But then...

Her arms were pressed around my neck, she pulled me down to her shoulder.

And i allowed my so heavy head to rest against her, breathed in her scent,

so fresh and pure and true and all Lilly Rush... like green tea and like...Lilies.

Against the tears that flowed out of my eyes i felt a little laugh which's escaping my throat

and my arms clinged to her like she's my lifeboat on a stormy sea.

I heard her, mumblin' quite, meaningless words to my ear against her cheekbone

and i felt her hand which stroked over my hair and some of the skin on my neck.

„It'll be okay, Scotty. Everything will be okay."

she said honestly and I had to have it imagined, however, .. lovingly?

She just tried to comfort me.

Yeah.

That's it.

But the only thing i could do was to drag her even closer to me,

more tears in my eyes than ever.

„Shhh... i know. I know which day's today."

she said and her breath tickled my own cheek as she bowed back a bit.

„All will be okay again, ya understand? I promise."

she whispered and i looked at her, drinkin' in her beautiful face so near to mine,

the feelin' of her delicate body pressed up against mine.

How should i go on with my life?

Go on pretendin' as if i was not in love with this woman-

knowin' what it was like to have her this close to me?

To know that i had to live without it ever again?

I took a deep breath and shook my head.

„No, Lil. It won't."

i said and even i could hear the sadness in my own voice.

„And you can't promise, because... you've no idea...

You'll never know... because..."

She's cupping my face in her little hands and made me look at her blue eyes again.

A small frown's on her face and i could see the sudden concern in her eyes.

„What's goin' on, Scotty? What's up to you? You're scarin' me..."

Her voice's hollow.

I tried to get away.

For my own good.

And hers.

But did i mention that she's strong?

Oh yes, she was...

She kept me in place, as if she would never let go of me again.

How i wish she wouldn't...

„You want the truth? You really want to hear that... that..."

I struggled with words like the day we fought over Chris again after Cliff held Lil's sister hostage.

I expected to see the fear in her eyes.

That she would run away as far as possible.

My voice's barely audible ...

„I... I love you."

I suppressed a bitter laugh.

„You hear me? I love you, Lilly Rush!"

I pressed my eyes shut.

I trembled.

But the embrace i found myself in was not meltin' away.

And slowly i opened my eyes again, blinked back the tears.

And now i could see the most wonderful sight in my whole life.

A real, a true smile was on Lilly Rushs lips and much more important...

this one reached her blue eyes.

They're gleaming just as if they're some extraordinary jewelery.

„Can you see it now, Scotty?"

She said in a mocking tone and suddenly i felt her hand caressed my cheekbone,

her fist punched my nose lightly and she laughed a little.

„I love you too, you moron.

Promised you it'll be okay, didn't i?"

I blinked in pure disbelief.

And I could feel my knees gave away, because she put herself up on her tiptoes and kissed me.

Lilly Rush's kissin' Scotty Valens.

And suddenly i'd back my faith.

Because, from now on, everything will be truly and really, really good for us.

After her lips left mine i gave her one of my famous lopsided grins

and said:

„Yeah. I see. And i promise the same to you, Lil.

All will be good!"

And then i was the one- kissin' her senseless.