Hide and Seek for Idiots

Dave and Sollux are stuck in a closet as they hide from a certain Vantas boy who is out for blood. A mainly dialogue one-shot.

Pairing: DavexSollux, SolDave, DaveSol, AppleBee2 or whatever the hell you call it

So I'm still new to writing Homestuck and slash. Forgive me if I royally screwed up these amazing characters, but I wanted to try. How am I supposed to be any good if I don't try, right?

Anyway, I hope someone reads and enjoys. I didn't put an immense amount of work into this, so I won't be incredibly heartbroken if no one reviews.

"I can't believe I'm stuck in here with you, Strider."

"You've said that at least three times already."

"No shit. I'll keep saying it until we're out of this shitty situation."

There was a pause before Sollux continued. It was hard to see the other boy in the cramped space of the closet, but judging by the breath Dave felt on his ear, Sollux was very, very close.

Why the hell was the closet so small anyway?

"And need I remind you whose fault this is, anyway?"

"Yours. Definitely yours, Captor."

"Excuse me?"

"What, you think I'm stupid enough to get us into this?"

"Yes."

"Ye of little faith."

"What was that?"

"I said 'it was most definitely your fault.'"

"No, you didn't."

"I'm pretty sure that I did."

"You most definitely didn't."

Dave could tell he was pissing Sollux off a lot now. Not only would he have Vantas out for his blood, but he'd be stuck next to an angry Sollux Captor. This day wouldn't make his list of 'top ten best' with the way things were going. Not that he had expected it to from the start, anyway.

"That is exactly what I said."

"You're so full of shit."

"Nope, just the shitty cafeteria food."

"You think you're so funny."

"Yeah, well. That's a given."

"Oh my God. I hate you so much."

Dave was glad it was dark because he really could suppress that smirk. Hey, why was it so dark, anyway? Didn't closets usually have lights?

Of course, their shitty school was so underfunded the damn closet wouldn't have a light. Go figure.

"I'm doing something right, then."

"It would be all the more bearable in here if you would just shut up."

"Not my fault we're in here, you know."

"We aren't starting that again, asshat."

"Excuse me."

"You fucking heard me."

"I heard you say asshat."

"Then you heard right."

"Oh my God."

Dave smothered a chuckle and heard the disbelief in Sollux's voice when the other boy spoke up again.

"Are you seriously laughing?"

"No. Definitely not."

"You definitely are."

"I'm choking on your stupidity. It's like a gas. It's filling the whole of this tiny-ass room."

"Or you forgot how to breathe. Which would make you the stupid one."

"Are you—wait, I heard something."

Both Dave and Sollux were silent as whoever was outside shuffled past. There had been a possibility it was Karkat, but there was no way in hell that he had managed to be that quiet. The last time the two had seen Karkat, he had been raging. Extreme raging, actually. Dave had never seen anything like it.

"I can just leave, you know. It wasn't my fault, anyway."

"Hey, man, if you want to risk it, I'm okay with that. Have fun as a corpse."

Sollux didn't reply for a long time. A pity. Dave didn't mind talking to him that much.

"How long has it been now?"

"How the fuck should I know, Captor? It's not like my watch glows in the dark."

"It's a wonderful thing called a phone, jackass. I know you have one."

"Oh, that. Vriska probably stole it during Calc or something. She usually does."

"Wow, so you're totally useless then."

"I don't see you whipping out your cellular device, smartass."

He had Sollux there.

"Is the period over? Because I don't think I'll survive skipping another class after last week."

"Parents?"

"Yeah."

"Don't sweat it. Tell them Vantas was on your ass. I think they prefer you alive and out of class to hanging from a meat hook by your ankle."

"And after that lovely image, it's now time for you to shut up again."

"You're the one who keeps asking me things."

"What happened to make Karkat so pissy, anyway?"

"Like you don't know."

Dave actually didn't.

"I actually don't."

"Like shit you don't."

"No, seriously. What happened?"

"Ugh. Fine, then. Some idiot poured apple juice into Karkat's gym shoes."

"And you thought that was me because…?"

"Apple juice. Obviously."

"Come on, dude. You seriously think I would waste apple juice like that? A sweet, golden elixir like apple juice isn't worth that."

"If you call it elixir again, I will stab your eyes out with this fucking mop."

"Fair enough," Dave admitted.

"Wow, an entire hour in this closet with me and I have yet to be brutally murdered. Kudos, Captor."

"You said you didn't know what time it was."

"Oops."

"I'm leaving."

"Have fun."

"You're an asshole."

"Right back at you, Tholluxth."

"Oh my God. Kill me now."

Sollux tried the door. But he was still in the closet.

"What? Miss me already?"

"The door won't budge."

"…What."

"You heard me."

"I'm hoping that I didn't."

"Too bad for you, Strider. I guess we're locked in a fucking closet together."

"Well, shit."

"If I had my phone, we wouldn't still be here."

"Which one of our useless friends would you call?"

"…"

"That's what I thought."

"Hey, Strider."

"What?"

"So it wasn't you then?"

"I already told you that."

"Who was it, then?"

"…Well, shit."

Dave wasn't claustrophobic or anything, but being stuck in a closet for more than an hour with freakishly tall and lanky Sollux Captor wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Dave could have gotten John, who was a least smaller than Sollux, or even Ampora. Even if he did smell like fish, he didn't share the same mutual hatred with Dave that Dave did with Sollux.

But apparently the universe didn't much care about Dave's preferences, one of which being not stuck in a closet in the first place.

"Move your damn elbow, Captor."

"Fuck off, Strider."

And Sollux was bony as hell. He forgot to mention that fun little detail.

"Dave."

"Whoa, what. Did you just call me by my first name?"

"I didn't."

"I think you did."

"I didn't mean to."

"Whatever. What did you want?"

"…Never mind."

"You're no fun at all."

"Shut up."

"Think someone will come by soon?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

"You're uncanny time abilities might help."

"Predicting the future is a bit different than counting the seconds tick by, Captor."

"Well, excuse me then."

"You're excused."

"I hate you so much."

"Sure."

"I bet it was Nepeta."

"What, with the apple juice?"

"No, what—no, not that, you moron. I bet Nepeta locked the door."

Dave had no idea how Sollux had come to that conclusion.

"What makes you say that?"

"She ships us."

"…Is it sad I know what that means?"

"Just a bit, yeah."

"So, wait, why did Nepeta lock the door? To try to get us to act out her dirty fangirl fantasies?"

"It's my best guess. What, you have a better one?"

"…Actually, no. Yours works."

"So we're just going to leave it there? I thought that might lead to something."

"Shut the fuck up, Strider."

"Jesus, I was just teasing you. No need to bite my head off."

"I wouldn't mind if it lead to something."

"What?"

"I didn't say anything, asshole."

Dave could have sworn he heard something. Then again, maybe Sollux just wanted a reason to snap at him. Not that the other boy actually needed one.

"Sollux?"

No response.

"Oh my God, did you seriously fall asleep? That's gold. Pure gold."

Despite the fact that Sollux had fallen asleep standing and pretty much leaning against him, Dave really wished he had a camera to document this hysterical moment.

"Dude, seriously, wake up. I refuse to hold you up for one minute longer."

Sollux was awake in a matter of seconds. He quickly stood up straight and put as much distance between himself and Dave as he could.

"We will never speak of this again."

"You might not."

"I think you drooled on my shirt."

"If you don't shut up I'm going to use your face to break down the door."

"How much do you want to bet Nepeta hid a camera in here?"

"I bet it was John. Definitely a prank he would do."

"It wouldn't be so bad in here if there was enough room to sit."

"What, are you just not going to talk to me now?"

No response from the Captor half of the closet. Not that Dave expected much of a reply, anyway.

"Okay, I get it. I'll shut my mouth from now on."

Being trapped inside a closet with someone who hated you wasn't nearly as bad as being stuck in a closet with someone who refused to talk to you.

In an alternate location, a certain Vantas boy had finally settled down a bit and now noticed his two friends hadn't show up in a while.

Maybe he should look for them.

"How long until school is over?"

No reply.

"Oh, come on. Give me something here. It was at least entertaining when you were insulting me and accusing me of various things."

"You're the one with the ungodly sense of time, asshole."

"Well, that was something, I guess."

"You smell like honey."

"Um, thanks?"

"No, it's just… Ampora smells like fish."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just… Nevermind. I guess your brain isn't advanced enough to follow my train of thought."

"I'm sure."

"Shut up, Captor."

Karkat had a bad feeling Nepeta made the two of them her next "project."

What in the world was he supposed to do with that girl?

"Well, it looks like we accidentally skipped three classes."

"Thanks for that tidbit. Not only do I have to worry about KK ending my life, I get to ponder the possibility that maybe my parents will get ahold of me first."

"I think it was better when you weren't talking."

Karkat decided it might be best to just avoid Sollux and Dave completely. He really didn't want to walk in on them, especially after walking in on Nepeta's last "project…"

He still couldn't look Vriska and John in the eyes.

"It's fucking cold in here."

"You literally just noticed?"

"Shut up. I was warm until now."

"Well, not my fault you backed yourself into a corner. Is being near me really that bad?"

"…"

"Great. Thanks. Guess I'll huddle under my thin shirt for warmth."

"Wow, could you like, shut up for five minutes? Please? Because I think I would really like that."

"It's been ten minutes."

"And you said you couldn't tell time."

"That is not at all what I said and you know it, Strider."

"Shh. No words. I'm so proud of your accomplishment."

"And people wonder why I hate you."

"Hey, why do you hate me, anyway?"

Dave was honestly curious. He knew he rubbed people the wrong why, but even people like Karkat could be friends with him without resorting to murder. So what as Sollux's deal with him?

"You piss me off."

"I piss Karkat off, too."

"Yeah, well. Everyone pisses Karkat off."

"Fair point."

"I don't hate you."

"What?"

"I said I don't hate you, you idiot."

"That's what I thought you said."

"Yo, Captor."

"What now?"

"You don't hate me."

"Give him a fucking medal, ladies and gentlemen."

"Wait, no. That's not what I meant. You don't hate me."

"And?"

"Dude, you totally like me."

"…Conversation over."

"You like me."

"I'm genuinely surprised you shut up for that long, so I'll reward you with an answer. I absolutely do not like you, Strider. You disgust me."

"I didn't know you cared."

"Oh my God."

"You totally like me."

"Totally do not."

"You like me."

"And you should get your ears checked."

/

"You like me."

"I absolutely do not, asshole."

"You most definitely like me."

"You know what, hate is a lot closer to what I'm feeling right about now."

"You like me."

"I do not."

"You like me. Without a doubt."

"I don't know enough forms of the word 'no' to express myself properly at this point."

"You like me."

"I refuse to dignify that with an answer anymore."

"You l-"

"No."

"Hey, Sollux."

"I do not like you!"

"Whoa, dude. Wasn't going to say that at all. No need to get all defensive."

"…"

"But you definitely like me."

"Sol-"

"Fine, I like you! Happy?"

"Um, what?"

"I like you! And since you've been bugging me about it for so long, you might as well get over teasing me about it. Not like I haven't run into this problem before."

"What."

"It doesn't exactly win you a gold star to have a crush on another guy, you know."

"Wait… what."

"Are you serious?"

"I meant as a friend."

"Are you fucking serious."

"…"

"But, hey, man. It's cool by me if you like guys."

"Thanks."

That was definitely sarcasm that Dave could hear. Not that it was surprising.

"No, really. It's not like it affects me. And by the way, it's fine if you like me, too."

No response.

"I mean, I guess it's a little weird since I've never, you know, thought about it, but it's cool. I mean… Yeah. It's cool."

"Oh my God, Strider. Please shut up."

It was so awkward. He couldn't stand it anymore. Even if Sollux used his face to break down the door, it wouldn't matter if the awkwardness continued to suffocate him.

"Sollux."

"What the fuck do you want now?"

"So if you like me, how would you react if I kissed you?"

"At this point, I'm not really sure."

"Meaning…"

"If you ask again, I might have to kill you."

"Captor."

"Oh my fucking God what?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Sollux didn't get a proper chance to answer before Dave Strider yanked him down into a kiss.

Screw tall people.

Well, Dave was planning on it, actually.