Prelude – Begründung

My heart is still pounding, hands still shaking, my left eye won't stop twitching. Anxiety. It's to be expected, this is far from a surprise. No amount of planning and contemplation will avoid the sudden daunting realization of what I've done. While I'm not there yet, I am minutes from the point of no return. You could still turn around, you know. Cut the ties, carry her upstairs, pretend that she fainted. It wouldn't be a difficult fix at all. But understand something, Asuka. When she wakes up, when she sees where she is and what you've done, you're committed. Yes, yes, I'm ready for that. I made my peace weeks ago. This is something that has to be done… no, that's far too cliché. This is something that I want done, for my own sake. The shaking stops.

She really is a beautiful girl. Surely something to be desired. Her doll hair was strewn about her arms, matted to her face in a cold sweat. I can't be sure of her age, but I'd be quite surprised if she's graduated from her teens just yet. A life just beginning, it really is too bad. With looks like hers, she could have easily gone far in life, if nowhere else than into the arms of a rich old man. Although, on the other hand, she likely would have wasted her gifts. Better for them to be spent on me. Peeling open an eyelid to once again gaze at those crystal eyes… they're too much like mine. I hate her for it. She couldn't have possibly understood the gravity of her waking twitch. No, she'll never understand that she officially forced my hand into everything I am to do to her. That was my point of no return, her gradual wakening from the ether. I stood back in the shadows, allowing her to gain her bearings.

Anyone could have seen the confusion in her eyes when she first awoke. Most would have at least gasped at their surroundings, but not her. No, she took it in quietly, albeit like she was in a dream. The unpainted cinder block walls of my second level basement held in the noise dampening earth beyond, a prime location. There was once ample lighting in this large room, but now only a single lightbulb hangs a couple meters above her torso. A dim lightbulb, one that I spent no small amount of time hunting for. Beyond this, there was nothing. A concrete floor held up her tomb of a mattress, all padding and springs torn out to reveal only the wooden frame. She quickly realized that she was bound, wrists far above her head onto a pole cemented into the ground, ankles similarly chained. That's when I saw the panic set in, and a corner of my mouth twitched into a smile. I retained it.

"Before I begin," her head snaps to me and her body quickly convulses in a startle, "I'd like to apologize to you, Adala." Her face calms, and a relieved smile crosses her face. I didn't return the favor.

"Dr. Shikinami, thank God. Help me out here, yeah?" She rustled her binds, trying to guide me. Those damned eyes.

"And now that the apology is out of the way, we need to set a few ground rules. Firstly, you're not to look me in the eye. Ever." I begin to unbutton her blouse, glancing at her face to see if she broke the first rule. She did, of course, "Secondly, you're never to call me 'doctor' again. My name is Asuka, and you'll address me as such. Third, and finally, try and talk as little as possible. I'm not interested in what you have to say." I reach the final button and look at her once again. Those eyes. I slam my hand onto her throat and grasp tightly, "What was rule number one?" Muttered squeaks of air escape her throat as she looks up at me, slowly starting to realize the gravity of the situation, "I asked you a question!"

"Don't look…" her eyes roll up as she mouths the words, and I let go.

"Good." The tears are beginning to set in. I took her to be stronger than that. Not like that matters, it was going to happen eventually anyway. I pull a cart forward, a lumbering steel shelf on wheels. All instruments, tools, dedicated power supply, drugs. She finally gasps, and she finally understood. Oh, what music. Of all the instruments, scissors were to be my first tool. I calmly cut her blouse off at the sleeves and tear it out from under her.

"A-Asuka, come on, that's enough." I look at her face and our eyes lock for a split second before she darts away, "I don't like this. I'm not… into this kind of thing," I couldn't help but let out a soft laugh as I cut down the length of her shorts.

"Neither am I, trust me. But clothes will only get in my way. Although, I must admit, you're quite the looker. You do know that, don't you? I mean, you must. Of course you do, how stupid. No Adala, I'm more interested in men. I suppose you can be thankful that you're wrong in that regard." The shorts were thrown into the garbage behind me, landing atop the blouse. Undergarments followed suit, and her face was a beat red, "There's no need to be embarrassed. I've seen thousands of people's bodies. Modesty left me long ago." I gently trace the skin around her navel, enticing goosebumps, "But not you, apparently."

"What is… what is this? How did I get here? What are you doing?" Our eyes lock once again, although this time she did not dart away. She's a rambunctious one, isn't she?

"Ah, calm down, calm down. You're entitled to questions, sure, but calm down. You know, you shouldn't take drinks that you didn't prepare yourself. Flunitrazepam, or as you might know it, Rophynol. Date rape drug. That explains the 'how', but as for the 'what'… well, I'm not ready to tell you yet. I am, though, ready to tell you a story." I continue to trace her stomach, something I'm reveling in for a reason beyond me, "Did you know that I'm engaged? I can't tell you how many times people have asked about this ring, but I never gave a straight answer. His name's Shinji Ikari. I nearly grew up with him, and if soulmates exist, he's mine. I'm not quite sure why we fit together so well, but we do. But see… he's gone now. I tried my own methods of coping, nothing really worked. And then I had a heart attack and, well, here we are. You can blame the masses for not allowing me to practice medicine. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for that. I need an outlet, everyone does." I could see on her face that the realization was slowly starting to hit. Those damned eyes.

"Asuka… can I go?" We stared at each other for awhile, her wishing for a favorable response and me wondering why she'd ask such a silly question. "Please?"

"I'll answer questions, but not ones you already know the answer to," I turn and plug in an instrument, "Now for the 'what' part of your question. I repeat myself, Adala. I apologize. No living thing should have to go through any of this, but you're my escape. One life for another. That's a fair trade, don't you think? But no, I'll be taking much, much more than that." Tears finally began to trickle to her sides, and I lean down with a hand on her stomach and shoulder. Such a soft, sweet whisper came after a kiss to the forehead, "I need you to prepare yourself. For your sake." Restrained trembling, quivering lips, erratic breathing.

"Prepare…?" I frown and lean my forehead against hers, sighing.

"For this ungodly pain, honey." Silence, for a time, as I embraced her, "There's no need to worry about the first rule anymore." I stand back up and retrieve my soldering iron.

Chapter 5 – Heimat

Violent shivering, mumbling in her sleep, the occasional thrash. She's restless, has been for days now. Even in her deepest sleep, she's hardly resting. Her body is going through the final thrashes of life, she doesn't have much longer. By her account, she hasn't eaten since the night we went out last. At least, that's the last time she's kept food down. Complete rejection of food, not for a lack of desire. She's avoiding dehydration by fluids I've been administering in secret, by her request. Even water is vomited, meaning the dreaded needle is her only salvation at this point. The human body can survive weeks, past a month without food. No, no, it's not the starvation. She'll be gone long before that. I've had patients like this in the past – the only recommendations I ever had for them was to call for final rights. Rei… my Rei is at Death's door, but he's not answering just yet. He will, I promise. You'll get to rest soon enough. Oh, the sights you'll see. Whether it be the empty void or ethereal clouds, you'll be at peace for once in your miserable life.

"Asuka," hoarse, phlegm filled voice broke the silence. She was turned away from me, and I held her as tight as I could under the ungodly hot comforter. It's been our only way to sleep for these past couple of weeks, something she silently insisted on. The morning light was just breaking through her curtains, and I made it through another restless night, "What… do I expect? How do people…" she trailed off, unable to say the words.

"In their sleep. Heart rate slows to a stop, or the diaphragm stops contracting, or the aneurism finally bursts. We're frail when we sleep." My voice wasn't much better than what she presented. Functioning off of nearly no sleep does that to a person, "It's usually peaceful." She snuggled into her pillow and closer to me.

"I'm scared." Ever so slightly, she curls, "I'm not ready." What am I supposed to say to that? What can anyone say? You can't comfort the dying. You can't say that everything is going to be alright.

"Neither am I." The most you can do is sympathize. This happened too fast, at least for her. She was on an upswing for awhile, surely she thought that she was getting better. Perhaps not getting well, but getting better at the very least. No such hope, unfortunately. The body has a way of dangling a carrot right before death for some twisted reason.

We laid there for as long as we could. No words were uttered after that, not like there was much to say. At this point, it's a waiting game. I've run out of ways to distract myself, and I'm being forced to recognize the obvious fact that she'll be gone very soon. I didn't lie when I said that I wasn't ready. Far from it. In these short few months, I've grown more emotionally than I have the rest of my life combined. This woman drug me from depths she had no idea I was in, showed me what all of this was supposed to be, and now she's joining the fallen. None of this is fair. Ah, but that's life, isn't it? There's a little girl one wall over that's losing her mother. There's a man next door that's losing his best friend. There's a woman holding her that would do anything to have more time with her. I don't know what she is to me – a close friend, a lover, a partner. I have absolutely no idea, but I can't lose her. I… just can't.

"Rei, please," I've refused to let her see me cry these past couple weeks. She doesn't need that baggage, even if she knows it's there, "Please don't leave." I broke the promise to myself in the form of shed tears on the back of her shirt. She allowed me my moment of self-pity.

I've learned to put on a fake face for Yui. Lying to children is superbly easy, especially when they can't hope to understand the gravity of the situation. With a mask of a smile on my face, I get her ready for daycare. Bathed, brushed hair, an outfit that she feels cute in. Daycare wasn't her favorite place at first, but it was a temporary necessity that she had to get used to. Children are adaptable, and she came to enjoy her time with her friends. Shinji saw her off every day, and that man made every effort to avoid eye contact with Rei when he came to pick up his daughter. If he's having trouble with her death, he's not showing it. Another reason onto the pile of why I gave him back that ring. Yui has grown even closer to me lately, either out of instinct or by the time we spend in the morning. She's young enough to understand a relationship, and she sees that in Rei and I. We were the talk of Nerv when word got around of what she drew at daycare a few days ago. I personally cherish it – a fridge wouldn't do, I have it hanging on the wall. Crudely drawn women with the distinctive hair colors on either side of a happy little child. Shinji was nowhere to be found in the drawing, only what she sees as her two mothers.

"Come here Yui," the little girl happily ran into the open arms of her mother, "I'll see you soon, okay? Make me something good today, I heard it's art day. Have a great day, I love you." A kiss on the forehead, a giggle, and a happy trot towards Dad's escort. Her smile fades while she stayed kneeled at toddler-level, "Are you absolutely sure? He'll still have you, you know."

"I know."

"You don't have to throw it away for me." At least look at me…

"I'm not doing it for you. I don't know what I want now, but it's not him." With a heavy grunt, she managed to get to her feet, "I think that I want you." This isn't a conversation we can have looking at each other, apparently. The words were spoken to the closed front door.

"Yeah, well," she spoke through a weak laugh, "I'm not on the menu. Just promise me that you'll take care of Yui."

"I already have." Legally, Yui is mine. Adoption papers were signed shortly after Rei started going downhill. Given Shinji's profession, he can hardly be a stable father or certainly be there for her the next day. I look forward to my life with her, although I'd have it any other way.

"I need you to promise me." Fiddling with an empty glass, turning on the tap. She knows it's useless, but she insists on this every morning.

"Yui will be whisked away from this life. Away from her father, away from the danger, away from memories of you. She'll be raised by someone who loves her almost as much as her mother did, and she'll have everything in this world that she could want. She'll be educated with the elite, she'll grow to be a fine young woman, and perhaps one day she'll find her own happiness." Rei coughs the water into the sink in a repeat of every morning, "She won't be scarred by this. I won't allow it."

"Thank you." I finally turn to see her smiling sweetly at me, shedding the look of angst that's become part of her face. This is a plan that Shinji is very well aware of. He's not happy about the prospect, but his overall nonchalant behavior was the source of no small fight between the two of them. I didn't get involved, and Rei didn't want to recount the events. Fair enough, so long as there's an understanding.

I'm not quite sure why she's insisting on attempting to live a normal life in the time she has left. A prime example is her attempting to drink every morning, and failing similarly every morning. However, it's far beyond that. Dressing, bathing, cooking, cleaning, even laundry. She's insisting on living her life the exact same way as she did a month ago, and it's absolutely exhausting her. I understand the concept of reminiscing the past, but when her actions are causing no small amount of pain unto her… I just can't follow. I've left it alone, though. It's not my place to tell her how to cope. I just wish that she'd let me help. Rather, I'm stuck in the background as I watch her fold Yui's freshly cleaned clothes.

"So, distract me. Did you know that you talk in your sleep?" the rasp in her voice has faded, and she sounds like my Rei again, "Because you do. A lot." A small chuckle from both of us. Mine forced, hers likely genuine.

"I wasn't aware, no. What secrets have you found out about me? Have you found out why I've infiltrated Nerv, yet?" I do remember that I was prone to sleepwalking when I was a child, but I had no idea that I carried that into adulthood. This should be good.

"Not yet, no. Still working on that. I mean, you don't talk in complete sentences. It's almost like you're reading a book with most words missing. You keep talking about a precious girl back in Germany, how her songs would make you laugh," she turns and winks at me, "Didn't know you had a special someone over there. I'd love to hear about her."

"I'd… rather not," Jesus. Not this again, not now. I turn from her to hide my face, something that she's learned to use against me. Sweet songs I'd rather not recount to Rei of all people.

"Oh… sorry, I didn't know it was a button. You seemed happier about her in your sleep. Forget I said anything." We fell into an awkward silence, something that has been very rare between us in the past. I don't feel that I need to atone for Adala anymore. I'm guilty for what I've done, nothing I can do will change that. I've come to terms with the fact that if there's a Hell, I'll likely end up there for that little phase of mine alone. She eats at me every day. Not guilt, not remourse… no, it's the secret. The sense that I can't trust anyone with this secret. If word gets out, I'll be imprisoned at best and put to death at worst. Germany doesn't take those acts likely, capital punishment is alive and well there. But you, Rei. You're different. I believe that you wouldn't look at me any differently, at least not drastically so, but I won't leave you with that memory of me. You're the only person I could confide in, but that ship is sailing.

"I'm going to the cafeteria for some breakfast, want me to pick you up something?" I legitimately was hungry, but I also needed to flee the situation. At least for a time. We both knew that she wouldn't be able to keep food down, but she's determined if nothing else.

"Actually, I was hoping that we could go do something today. The weather is nice, it'd be nice to get some fresh air. Interested?" she picked up on my sigh without even turning from her task, "I'm doing a lot better today. I feel stronger than I have in awhile, so I'd like to take advantage of it."

"Well what exactly do you have in mind?"

"A date." Absolutely no hesitation. She had this planned, the sly girl. "Like I said, I'm feeling pretty good today. I'd like to go out with you and be home in time to spend the rest of my day with Yui. I'm taking her to the aquarium. Not as interesting as the ocean exhibit, but that's a little too much for me." She jumped at my arms wrapping around her waist, although she leaned into my head resting on her shoulder. I still don't look at her romantically, but the embrace was no less loving. Perhaps I would have grown towards that direction, but at this point, I'm forcing myself away from it. I'm not even entertaining the idea for obvious reasons.

"How should I dress?"

We got no less than a few sideways glances from staff around Nerv as we left. We weren't exactly holding hands, but there was a sense of closeness between the two of us that would be hard to miss. Dress for a walk, is what she told me. I decided to give her a bit of a blast from the past with my signature sundress, although a maroon shade would have to do in substitution for the yellow. The collar was also missing, but the reference was not lost on her. In her eyes, simple jean shorts and a white tank top would do. Given her skin color – especially these days – I wouldn't call white her best color, but she honestly looked very nice in it. Such soft features, always penetrated by those eyes. I couldn't help but stare for a moment before we left her room. We finally reached the surface-bound elevator, and her small smile told me that she needed today. I'm not sure how she's up and around in her state, but I'm not complaining. This will very likely be out last outing, and I'll take what I can get.

"I'm surprised you said yes, you know," fingers laced behind her back, she stares up at the numbers above the door as they ascend, "I was halfway joking."

"Were you serious about the sentiment?" I joined her in counting the floors. A pair of high school kids on their first date.

"Depends." A familiar ding, and the doors opened to reveal the lobby to Nerv. The lake was a short walk from here – short enough that it wouldn't take the wind out of even her. We did the rest of it in silence, although I heard a relieved sigh when I grabbed her hand. Allow her to indulge, Asuka. And perhaps allow yourself.

Very little of the lake was truly natural. The containing cement slabs stuck out from the abnormally low water line, and the fish that would jump to catch flies were imported from far East. While the grass flourished, it was only due to the meticulous gardeners that had been keeping the flora alive all these years. Trees need little help when they've taken root, but word has it that the majority of saplings died off early after planting. A forest did not surround this lake – only the most durable, sturdy trees managed to survive. Those that fell served as nutrition for the ones willing to grow. For the few trees that grew into mighty oaks, fauna soon made it their home. Birds that had a mix of several lineages, the rare squirrel, the even rarer raccoon. It was natural enough to look like a budding forest at first, but a history lesson tells an entirely different story. It's a calming place, but one that was only possible through the efforts of dozens of landscapers, botanists, and biologists. The looming sense that something was not quite right never left the instinctual brain. There was just enough about this place to make one feel like it was all a lie; the concrete, the few trees, the skyline of steel towers in the distance serving as a constant reminder of civilization. Nonetheless, it was a calming place. One of a kind in the middle of a bustling city, an oasis for the wildlife that is desperately clinging onto the last strains of wild they have. They'll survive. They always do.

She reminded me of this place, for obvious reasons. Or rather, this place reminds me of her. I hadn't made the connection before, although perhaps she has. Perhaps that's why she brought me here, but I'd never ask such a thing. As unnatural as this place was, she was at home here. I had no idea, but she's clearly been here before. She knew to enjoy the wind blowing in her face, smiling into the wind as it threw her hair back. That, that was peace. For me and for her.

"This is a good spot," abruptly, she slows to a stop and takes a look at the ground before plopping back, facing the lake, "You can join me, you know." A patting of the ground next to her snapped me out of my thoughts. How long was I gone? With a sweet smile from her, I take my spot and we stare out onto the water.

"You're handling this better than I am," may as well be abrupt, yeah? "How can you seem so natural? I'm…" I trailed off, not wanting to finish that.

"Uncomfortable?" yes, "I understand it. I don't know how you feel about me, Asuka. I probably never will, because by the time you figure it out, I'll be gone. But I know about you. I understand that you've been here for hardly under two months, I get it, but that's how things fall I suppose. I'm just glad you came back." I really wish that she wouldn't talk like that. With my background, I'm forced to see her condition every time I look at her. I can't not diagnose her with every glance, I don't need her saying it as well.

"I'm sorry, you know. For not knowing," she actually laughed at me, and I finally look over at her covering her mouth, "What?"

"You're apologizing for not knowing something," she sighs and falls backwards, lying and taking in the sun with closed eyes, "You'll know eventually."

We fell into a silence after that. It wasn't awkward like it was back in her room, it had a sense of finality to it. We said what we needed to say – although we had stark differences in our approaches and conclusions. I was left feeling empty, and she was left feeling as if she had said everything she needed to. She wasn't wrong, after all. Admitting defeat, I lie back with her and once again lace our fingers down at the hip. She's right, I don't understand any of this. Literally any of it. How I got attached to her so quickly, how I let it spiral out of control, how I left my fiancé to be with a woman that won't be there for me. I'm blinded by the light when my eyes pop open at that realization. I left him for no small reason; we simply were not working. No harm, no foul. But the only reason – the only reason – I discovered that was because of her. This was it for me. This was the closest I've ever been to a person, and it's possibly the closest I'll ever be. And what's stopping me is the stigma of her sex. It doesn't matter that she'll be out of our lives soon, and it doesn't matter that she'll leave me with a daily reminder of those eyes. She's here for me now, there's no denying that. She's a relationship with an expiration date. This…

"Rei?" this is what I need. Still smiling, she looks over at me. I have no idea how long we laid there, my hand resting on her cheek. I was desperately trying to absorb every detail of her face, every blemish and every characteristic. Finally, through welled eyes, "I love you." The rest of the moment is ours, and ours alone.

There was a sense of grief that was relieved from me as we walked back home. I had no idea I was carrying such… burden? No, that's a terrible word. There's a Greek myth of Sisyphus, a man who was burdened to push a boulder up a hill for all of eternity. What he did to earn this punishment escapes me, but being relieved of that punishment is the best analogy I have. Words escape me, I am simply relieved of a laborious task. What that task is, exactly, I've yet to learn. The lesson didn't matter. We walked, hand in hand and slowly, back to our home. We had already spent too much time on the surface, Yui was sure to be let out of day care very shortly.

I'm not entirely sure what happened when we reached the ground floor. It was a bit of a blur. Yelling, commands, grabbing, eventual restraint. At least on my end. Rei was held back and eventually hauled off by a man in uniform, clearly working for Nerv. Similarly dressed men threatened me at gunpoint before finally restraining my hands behind my back with handcuffs. It didn't take long for me to figure out what was going on. They didn't need to say anything, nothing that I've done in the past would constitute this reaction other than my time in Germany. I knew what this was, although I wish Rei hadn't seen it. The confused look on her face when she saw me accept my fate will haunt me.

It's cold. It's humid. The bench is hard, and the fluorescent lights are far from welcoming. They thankfully took the time to remove my handcuffs before putting me in here, allowing me to bury my face into my hands. I finally found her. I finally found what I was longing for that entire time, the entire reason I took Adala in… I had forgiven myself. The world had not. They hadn't told me why I'm in here just yet, but it wasn't hard to ascertain. No less than an hour of me being in this cold cell barred by a sheet of thick acrylic, Misato walks in holding a newspaper. We shared a moment of silence. Surely, my lack of testimony told her everything she needed to know.

"It reads 'The Monstrous Healer', or so I'm told," she slips a German newspaper through a large vent, "Maybe you can give a more literal translation." Not a motion. I still stare into my hands, "You forgot to cancel your monthly maid service. Stupid way to get caught, if you ask me." Still nothing, "She's still alive, so you know. If you can call that a life. Blinded, deafened, muted, and permanently bound to a wheelchair. Impressive." She doesn't' deserve my explanation, "I was hoping for a little more… gusto. I cried when I heard. Now, I just think you're pathetic. Thanks for the closure, I do appreciate it." As suddenly as she invaded, she left. I sobbed after that, trying to keep my echoes to a minimum. Not over her, I couldn't care much less about her. It's over what I lost after just having earned it.

Adala was nothing to everyone. She had no life, at least none to speak of. I didn't feel guilty for ripping that from her, I honestly didn't. And yet, now, I certainly do. An overwhelming, fearful sense of guilt. I did absolutely horrific things to that girl, and the world knows now. No, I don't care that the world knows. Surely Rei's been informed at this point. She's… God, she's going to die with that image in her head. I would have been able to confide in her, I know that very well, but she isn't prepared to take this in. Don't tell her. Don't tell her!

"Please!" I finally broke down. I held out for as long as I could, but I lost it. A blind, infuriating, pathetic plea for help. Surely the guards heard my screams. Add to my mythos, you pigs. You don't deserve me! I did what I had to! A soldier leaves his brothers behind, and he's a hero. I sacrifice a single girl, and I'm a monster! Absolutely not! I saved children, I healed the sick, I kept prisoners alive when they morally should have died in the street! I deserve a pass, damn it! It's a balancing scale… life is a balancing scale! I've done so much good, I've done so much! More than a group could ever hope to achieve! You're wrong, you're all wrong about me. I'm not the monster. You're not wrong about what you say about me, about what I did. I'd swear to what I did, it was the right thing. For me! A life for a life! That's how this works.

Oh, but Asuka, it wasn't an equal trade. You took more from her than what you'll ever receive. How can you be so deaf to the world? They needed you, not our desires. You had a chance to make a difference. But it wasn't for them, was it? It was never for them. Remember that? You plunged yourself into your work. The fact that good came out of it was merely a byproduct. Yes, do it. Go on. You think Rei will love you now? Do you honestly believe that she'll die with happy thoughts of you? She's scared for you. She knows death, and she's scared of the beyond. She's questioning her every action, but you. She knows that you'll burn for what you've done. You left her with that. You gave a dying woman her wish, and you left her with an unbelievable fear. Do it! Enough, do it!

They found the need to restrain me after that. I was in a daze after, as is to be expected after a severe concussion. My head was bandaged, my nose broken and my will equally. I tried with all of my might to put my head through that wall, but I passed out long before I made it there. There's always tomorrow, as the saying goes.

I'm not sure how long it's been. I keep fading in and out, and I have no concept of time when my eyes go dark. Days, surely. It's been days. Of course it has, I can hear them talking about transferring me back to Germany. That doesn't happen overnight. I'll meet my fate there, although at least it'll be in my homeland. They'll put my head on display for all to see, at least the media will. Rei will see the headlines, she'll mourn, and she'll be inconsolable. She'll die that way, you wench. Understand that!

The guard jumps at my sudden attempt to release my arms. I'm restrained on a gurney of sorts, each wrist being bound by a handcuff. "Calm down, Shikinami. Animal," he whispered that last part, just loud enough for me to hear. An ambulance. Surely that's what this is. Nothing else could fit a gurney. To the sea, that's where they'll send me. At least in their eyes. I'm not sure where they'll send me, perhaps a private airliner on another island. Keep it secret that they let the likes of me into their country. I look forward to it, the trial. It'll be a parade with Asuka as the centerpiece. Ah, so many eyes! So many eyes will see. Look at what I've done! What I'm capable of! I'd absolutely do it again, don't mistake yourselves. Just please, please don't tell her.

"Transfer, are you there?" The driver's tone made me pay attention, "Transfer, we've got her." No answer on the other line. The brakes squeaked as we came to a halt, and two men worked on getting me out of the van. I assumed as much, at least. My eyes have long since been closed. For my plan, the next thing for me to see is my homeland. My grave. Let's just get this over with.

Yelling. A brawl. A gunshot. A curse. Silence. The night had fallen into silence, and my wrists were yanked from their shackles. That smell… a mix of sweat, lilacs, and ignorance. She carried me, but only she knows how far. I had given up, evidenced by my refusal to acknowledge her presence. I hope that she understands what she's doing. She won't make it far, not carrying me like this. She'll never make it away, she'll be just as guilty as I am. Whatever. Let her. She was a lost cause anyway. I just want…

Please, please don't tell Rei.

Epilogue – Treffen

"Ah, damn," Mika holds her ribs as she falls back onto the sofa with a wince, "Earned it tonight." Going back to cooking dinner, I hiss as she takes a hit from that damned pipe of hers. I've given up on swaying her away from the drug long ago. In the grand scheme of things, she's doing much more harm to her body by making a living than a little marijuana would ever do.

She's grown strong through the years. Frankly, and cliché as it may sound, strong is an understatement. She was strong when she was a child. Now… she's something quite different. I've only gone to watch her a small handful of times, but I'm always the one to be her personal nurse when she gets home. It's nothing ever more serious than a couple stitches or a staple, nothing that won't heal in a few weeks. The worst she's ever had was a bad concussion. Quite the testament to her abilities, especially given her age and stature. She's been part of that ring for several years now, I've lost count, and she's made them more than enough money. Her cut keeps us afloat, because I know that my wages wouldn't do it.

As is to be expected, she grew into a beautiful woman, at least in her own way. She's kept that black hair of hers straight and short, but never styled. That's her style. She never grew out of her runt physique, with her maxing out at just over five feet tall. Oh, but she's heavy. Muscle mass will do that to you. Not that she cares what she looks like – I truly believe that she legitimately couldn't care less what she looks like. So long as she can continue doing what she loves, that's all there is to it.

And why wouldn't she love fighting? She grew up fighting, and every major life decision has been a fight. It's in her blood. I gave up on asking what happened all those years ago. She caught wind of what happened, she intercepted my handoff, and she carried me away into the night. That was that. Within half an hour, she made a decision that changed the course of both of our lives. And indeed, after a decade, this is in fact my life. Not glamorous, but there are those that struggle far more than we do. I try to count my blessings, even in this lower-middle class neighborhood. I don't believe that she understood the gravity of the situation when she first got ahold of me. I think that in her naïve mind, everything would eventually go back to status quo. That people would forget or forgive what I did – after all, it's not as if she didn't know the situation when she knocked out those guards. Regardless if she knew or not, she set up her life to be what it is now that night.

I became her mother after that. At least in spirit. No matter how tough she was back then, she was still just a twelve-year-old girl. I came to find out that she was largely uneducated, both as a combination of her time homeless and Nerv's complete disregard for her mental well-being. Schooling was absolutely out of the question, as we were both the targets of a massive manhunt. For almost a year, we could hardly leave the house. We had escape plans in place should the worst ever come to pass, but I thank God that it didn't. Luckily for her, I'm more than educated enough to have taught her myself. Certain subjects such as government and history may have been glazed over, but the sciences were instilled in her. She's literate now, and she can hold a conversation with the best of them. It's easy work when I have a good student.

I've no idea what ended up happening to Shinji and Yui. It's been years since the last angel fell, and surely Nerv is beginning to ramp down. Regardless of what happened to them, there was an entire government sector down the street that knew my face. Luckily, I wasn't known for my face. Every single day when I look in the mirror, I miss that crimson beauty staring back at me. But she died that night, she had to. These many years of stark black hair dye does wonders to hide me in plain sight, but it's horrid on my hair. Split ends, dried out hair. Finding it impossible to grow it as long as I once did, I've adopted a much shorter style. Above the shoulder length is also great for semi-labor work. Not like I had much of a choice. My work as a waitress at a high end restaurant was a far cry from my old profession, but it pays my half of the bills.

"Asuka, take a look at this?" I glance back to see her contorted, trying to get a look at something on her back, "I don't think that guy knew what he was doing." I made it a point to set down the spatula hard enough that she could hear my annoyance.

"Of course he didn't. He's a back alley doctor. Lay down on the sofa," retrieving my bag, I decide that she needs a lecture, "Dealing with a bleeding wound is safer than dealing with an infection later on. I don't know how many times I need to explain that."

"Hey, how many times have you said no to coming? I wanted you to, if you remember." I return to find her belly down, just as instructed. At least she had the courtesy to lift her shirt. Uneven stitches, a mediocre loose knot, more damage to surrounding healthy tissue than what was needed, no sign of antiseptic used.

"New guy? This is worse than last time."

"New guy. Very cute."

"Be sure to tell him that when you tell him how much this is going to hurt. I have to re-stitch this, an undergrad could have done better." Not a single twitch from her as I cut away the neophyte's work. I've come to expect that. Short, clean laceration. Very deep. Fatty tissue of the hip absorbed most of the trauma, shouldn't be more than a few weeks to heal. "I thought weapons weren't allowed."

"They're not," she bit her lip at the stinging antiseptic shot into the gash, "Bastard brought a knife to a fist fight, caught me off guard."

"Poor guy."

"Yeah, poor guy. Pretty sure I killed him. If I didn't, then Raz's boys did when I was done. Either way, I won't be seeing him again, and a message was sent. I doubt we'll have to deal with an incident like that again any time soon. Okay Asuka, it's clean, Jesus." A mother can still spank her child, even at this age.

"You need to quit that. You're not going to come home one of these days." She knew I was right, which is why she stayed silent as I finished my work.

We ate in relative silence, both of us ignoring the occasional banter the other would attempt to spark. It wasn't a fight, we were both just legitimately tired… although, I admit, she has more reason to be than myself. In a repeat of every night, my bedroom accomplice of a small whiskey glass followed me to bed. For years, it's the only way I've been able to get a decent night's sleep. I'm not quite at the point of functioning alcoholism just yet, but give me some time. I'm making strides.

White blouse tucked into pressed black slacks, topped by modest earrings and shoes that are formal yet functional. Prim the face with light doses of makeup, just enough to plump the lips and hide the minute crow's feet that are beginning to take my eyes. Surely no one could pick up on them just yet, but I can. I'm too young for this already, but that's what a life of constant stress and wincing does to you. It honestly doesn't matter. I used to care about my looks in the past – it frankly doesn't matter anymore. I'm not trying to impress anyone, because I'm long past that. No, I'm not over impressing people. Rather, I don't deserve to impress. People pick up on that aura. I'm just another face in the crowd.

The early shifts have earned my despise. Beyond the fact that I'm not a morning person, I lose out on several rituals that I've grown accustomed to. I don't get to see Mika before leaving, I never feel like eating breakfast, I manage to always wake up just late enough to constitute rushing, and the early customers are terrible at tipping. My looks have always helped supplement my income in this job, and an extra button undone on the blouse will help earn at least a few more dollars. Worth it, in my opinion.

Oddly busy today, especially for the middle of the work week. Patrons were lined up outside, ready to be served their hot morning meals on literal silver platters. Put on a smile, fake the bubbling voice, pretend that they're the only person in the world. My job is to lie to people with the goal being to encourage as much of a tip as possible. The actual quality of my service comes second.

Even in the brisk morning air, I worked up a small sweat. Running between the outside and indoor seating is always a hassle – yet another reason mornings aren't worth the trouble. Only two problem customers, so far. Not too bad. The morning rush was beginning to die down, I was finding that more free time was to be had, and my small sweat wore off. I'm ready for a calm remainder of my shift, I'm done with today. A couple with a daughter, easy customers. Likely just stopping by before dropping their perfect child off at private school – a stereotype, but I didn't need more than the backs of their heads to determine that. I went to the back and took my break before braving the patrons once again. Just go through the motions, Asuka. Same as every day.

"Welcome, I'm Yuko, and I'll be your server today. What can I start you with?" a man with a face down in the menu, a teenage girl with her face buried into her phone. Nothing atypical.

"We're just going to start with the morning rolls, please," she slowed down towards the end, as if still reading the menu. I've fallen into the habit of not going out of my way to make eye contact, better to just jot down their orders and be gone as soon as possible.

"Alright, I'll give you all some time…"

We locked eyes for more than a moment. I narrowed at her, and she repeated it to me. What I assumed to be her daughter and husband stayed silent, tapping away at the phone and still examining the menu, respectively. I believe that we were both lost for a moment, the world was put on pause for longer than we'd like to admit. Playing along, I gave a sweet bow and went on my way. I could feel her confused eyes boring into the back of my head as I left. I had absolutely no intentions of going back to that table – to that restaurant. Unnoticed, I grabbed my bag from the break room and fled out of the back door. Mail me my last check.

I need a less public role for my profession. It's absolutely no secret that I'm harboring some type of mental illness, but I've kept it largely under wraps since I was a teenager. It happens every so often. I flirt with a man with full intentions of repeating my actions in Germany, only to leave last minute. I come across a grotesque video online and linger longer than I should. I hear that damn woman in my head berating me for every choice I've made. An understanding of the condition and a willingness to change has kept me in line, but I've officially crossed a border. I absolutely refuse to indulge myself in that.

With no job to worry about for the rest of the day, or tomorrow for that matter, I leaned on the bottle bit harder than usual. Mika was out doing her business, God knows what on the streets. She won't be back until later tonight, possibly later. I'd prefer she doesn't see my stupor, but if she does… she's seen worse out of me. The entire time, I knew that I looked a mess. I didn't even bother with a glass, the plastic jug of vodka would do. Desperately trying to distract myself through the television proved pointless after a few hours, and I apparently would prefer to reminisce and silently weep. I'm not sure what's gone on in my mind since I was a child. I've developed into something quite foul, and I can feel my mind deteriorating as the years go on. Decades of unchecked mental disorders will have that effect, I suppose. I've tried playing the role of an armchair psychiatrist – surely with my background I can diagnose something and attempt a regiment of medications. I learned enough to know that Pavlov is a hell of a psychologist, and a bad reaction to my first dose conditioned me away from trying anything like that again. I may be going insane, but I'm at least alive. I'm not sure why, but I want to live. I enjoy what little life there is here. I've found my family in Mika, and I'm not ready to leave her just yet.

Oh, but don't fool yourself. It would be so easy. Even a small nick on the right artery would have me bleeding out within minutes, it would take me no more than a few minutes to do the deed. I could take the coward's way out, Mika's gun is always in her nightstand. I've thought at length about it, and after today, the thought is at the forefront of my mind. I want to live, yes, but things are getting worse. I can't see her now, the hauntings are enough already. If this is the life that I'm destined to live, then I don't believe I want any part of it. She won't be leaving you alone, you know. Now that it's started. You'll see her in the streets, more than just in your dreams now. She's slithered there.

Honey, it's just time. Count your cards, know that you've had a good run. You had your fifteen minutes of fame and fortune, but what is there left for you? Yes, yes, yes. I know, Mika. It's all you talk about, all you think. It's all you have, after all. She's a strong girl, you said it yourself. She'll get along just fine. You raised her as best as you could, however mediocre that may be. You did your job, now allow her to live. She'll never let you go, you know that. Sometimes, being a parent means making the decision for the child. After all, she's a big girl now. An adult in every sense of the word. She's better off without you at this point. No, don't shake your head at me. You know I'm right. Don't use such foul language, it's not becoming of a lady.

"Enough!" Screaming at your mirror won't do anything, "I said shut up!" Do you see what you do? Look at your hand, a bloodied mess. And your reflection, puzzle pieces of cracks. No honey, I won't stop, because I care about you. So, so much. I know what's best for you, don't I? I've never led you astray. Yes, good idea. Another swig, choke it down. Try not to fall, careful now. You know where it is – left top drawer. No, not here. Bathtub, don't leave a mess for Mika. I know it tastes bad, don't be a child. Do it. You know how. It'll be quick. Now, get it over with. Now!

Three knocks, then two. A guttural, muffled sobbing quietly filled the bathroom, and I was snapped out of my stupor by a rhythm. I put the pistol on the floor, saliva staining the metal. My head is spinning, my eyes are blurry, I need to vomit. I land on my elbow as I roll out of the bathtub, sending a small squeak through my lips. Three knocks, then two. Several attempts to pull myself to my feet, and one finally succeeded with no small help from the toilet. The cold tile stung my feet, something I didn't notice before. The front door was a chasm away, but I had to meet that rhythm. Much slower, this time – three knocks, two. Just a yard from the front door, I fall hard to my knees and couldn't find my balance again. I heard her, through the door. I felt the vibration of her voice. I know I'm not just hearing this.

Gingerly, a piece of old, yellowed paper slid from under the door. A children's drawing.