After you kissed him that first time, things seem to change between the two of you. He's a little co-operative in class and the next time he comes over to your apartment for his lessons, he kisses you before the two of you leave the building. It's like some strange dream come true. Even though it's just a chaste, barely there kiss, like the kind he used to give you when he wasn't even in school, you relish it.

But that's the only kiss he gives to you that week. It's teasing and it only makes you want him more. You thought that, maybe, if you could kiss him it would clear everything up. That you would be able to right your mind and get this out of your system. It makes it so much worse, though. You know how his lips taste, but what about the rest of his? You want him to pin you down so you can find out. You press into you so you can know his heat.

Your dreams are filled with nothing but him. Nothing but his lithe, teenage body and you chastise yourself for it. You make sure that he never sees your excitement when he sits close to you. You have to, else you would never forgive yourself.

But two weeks after the initial kiss, he's working on his biology homework while you finish grading papers. The only sound apart from the scritching of pens and rustling of paper is the classical music that you have playing in the background. Eventually both of you have stopped writing and you hear him putting a movie in. You look over to see what it is and smile when you see that of all things he's watching the Little Mermaid.

You sit down next to him on the couch with a smile on your lips. "You used to watch this movie all the time when you were little."

He looks at you, head tilted. "Did I?"

"Yes. Father and I were convinced that if anything happened to that tape you would have thrown a fit!" You laugh softly into your hand and he just rolls his eyes.

"Yeah? Well dad said that you were the same way with Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella so you can just shut the fuck up, shit pony!" He laughs and gives you a light shove. And suddenly things feel like they used to. Back before things had gotten... strange. He throws barbs at you and you tease him. It's like you're young again. You've missed this playfulness between the two of you.

But when you tease him for something that you didn't even think he would get upset over, he shoves you to the floor and lands on top of you. He stares down at you and things are back to where they'd been before you'd been so happy. So playful. You can't bring yourself to close this space. You need him to do this first. To be the one to kiss you this time. But you do dare to put your hands on his face and just hold him there.

You're so glad that you do, though. He leans forward and that's it. His lips are against yours. Not just against yours but moving and lingering. He lets out a soft little noise and you lose it. This is real. This is happening. Your brother is kissing you and it sounds like he's enjoying it.

But too soon he pulls back, face horrified and and mouth wide open. He shakes his head in your hands but keeps his eyes locked on yours. "Why did I do that?"

You sigh and close your eyes for a moment. "I'm not sure." You open your eyes. "Did something make you want to kiss me?"

He lets out a shuddering breath and leans back. "I'm not sure. I... I think maybe?" He furrows his brow, looking away from you.

"Is there anything else you want to do?" You tilt your head, hoping and con see how conflicted he is.

"I don't know!" He grips at his hair, hanging his head with a scowl on his face. "I don't fucking know, okay? I don't know why I just kissed you. I don't know why I wanted to but I fucking did!" He stares at you, face flushed. "And I maybe wouldn't be opposed if you wanted to kiss again or something." He frowns. "I feel fucking sick saying that."

You sit up and wrap your arms around him. "It's okay, Karkat. I understand." He nuzzle against his neck. "When I kissed you, you knew that it meant more than that to me didn't you?"

He swallows thickly and you and hear his heartbeat in his neck. "Yeah." His voice is hoarse and, without thinking, you press a kiss to his neck.

"Did it mean more to you?" You keep kissing his neck, relishing in the hot touch of his skin against your lips.

You feel him shuddering and his arms wrap tightly around you. "Uh, yeah. I think it did."

With a swallow of your nerves, you nip at his neck, pinching lightly at his skin. You've used this trick before. Not on him. But you know that it works on others. "Do you want more, Karkat?" You whisper against his neck.

His hand reaches up into your hair and rubs at your scalp. "Fuck... I mean..." He sighs and just tilts his head to the side. "Yes. Yes I so fucking do." His grip tightens and he lets out a bitter laugh. "I'm begging to let my older brother make out with him. I'm fucking pathetic."

"You're not." You wiggle in his grip, causing him to let go enough for you to lean back and rest your hands on his face. "Just let go. Come to my room." You lean in and press a soft kiss to his lips. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to share something like that with someone that will always love you, no matter what. And I will, Karkat. I will always love you."

His eyes widen and he looks away from you. "Uh, yeah. Thanks, I guess." He swallows and pulls away from you, hurrying to your room. You smile and follow after him. This is more than you could have anticipated. More than you could have ever wanted.

He's already stripped down to his boxers and sitting on your made bed, legs pulled up to his chest. Seeing him sitting there makes him seem to much smaller, even though he's still so much bulkier than you. With quick motions you strip down to your boxers as well and sit on the bed in front of him. Wide, sea-green eyes stare at you and he just shakes his head. "What are you going to do to me?" His face flushes when he speaks and you just raise an eyebrow.

"Do to you? Karkat, I was planning on... Maybe..." You shrug a shoulder. "Maybe having you, well..." You let out a deep sigh and he seems to get it.

"Wait were you going to fuck me?"

"What? No! I would never!" You can feel the flush spread across your face. "I'm not really, you know, um... That's not how I usually... When I... Yeah." You're at a loss for words. You're never at a loss for words but you can't get this out. Normally you're so loquacious, but the words are just trapped in your throat.

Karkat once again seems to get it, though. "You want me to fuck you?" His eyes are wide and terrified and you just nod. "Bro I cannot fucking do that! I... I've never actually topped a guy before!" He scratches at his neck and you just lean forward, pressing a soft kiss to his full lips again.

"Then it's perfect. Karkat I've done this before. I can lead you through. Tell you what makes me feel good." You suddenly feel your desperation returning. "Please, Karkat, I need this." You rest your hands on his shoulders and let out a needy sound in your throat.

He leans back, eying you up and he just nods. "Okay. Okay show me what to do."

You practically purr as you lean in, meeting his lips desperately again. "Of course. Here, let me lay on my back and kneel between my legs."

His face flushes darkly as the two of you move, but he listens to you. "Now what?"

"There's a bottle of lubricant and a condom in my bedside table. Grab them."

You can see that he's a little uncomfortable but he does as you tell him. He holds the bottle and foil packet in his hands and just stares at them dumbfounded. "I didn't really think that you were the type to have this kinda stuff in your room." His eyes are wide as he looks at you.

"When I was younger I wasn't. My vow was much more strict, but... I've given in to temptation and I have no regrets. Though I am still particular about who I do these things with."

He rubs at your thighs with shaking hands. "Guess that makes me special, huh?"

"You've always been special, Karkat." You smile at him, desperation growing as you wait and your already painful hardness growing as well. He just nods, though, and opens the lube, wondering what it is he has to do. "I'm rather well prepared already. Just two fingers should do before you enter me."

He bites his lip and does as you say, taking his time. "Are you sure?"

You just nod and let out a little pleased gasp when you feel his first finger enter and nod for the second. His face looks so concerned as he presses it in so you pull him down, knowing that he needs reassurance apart from your words. You kiss him deeply and the two of you moan against each other, mouths moving in open-mouthed wantonness more than a real kiss.

Once you feel ready, though, you break your mouths apart. "Karkat, I'm fine! Just... Please. Take me now." You whine under him and watch as he pulls his hand out. His nervousness is more than apparent as he tries to open the foil packet with shaking hands. After a few tries, though, he manages to pull the condom out and stretch it over his length.

He stares down at you, pupils blown out with lust. "I'm okay to...?"

"Yes! Go on, please I need this, Karkat!" You wriggle on your back, feeling more desperate and needy than you can ever remember.

Finally, though, he moves forward and you feel his tip pressing against your entrance. It makes you groan in anticipation before he starts to press into you. The stretch he puts you through forces a low moan from you and without much preparation or any warning, he's thrusting. They're quick, shallow thrusts that seem to match his temper. Everything about him is uncontrolled rage and a strange kind of strength that makes you want more.

Even though you could sense his trepidation at first, his face has relaxed and he's watching you just as you watch him. His intense gaze is focused on you and you feel like you're the only thing in his world. Which makes you feel even more desperate.

You hold him tightly with your arms and legs while one of his arms stayed wrapped under you. The other twists around your dripping cock and moves with the same fervor of his thrusts. All of the stimulation makes you keen for him over and over. His name passes your lips and you praise him as he hits you in just the right places, while what escapes his lips is mindless strings of profanity and nonsensical phrases.

A few final, jerking thrusts brings both of you over the edge and, all too quickly, he pulls out of you to lay on his back beside you. His breaths are shaky and you can see his pulse beating through his chest. "Kankri...?"

"Hm?" You glace over at him before moving closer to him, holding him contently.

"We just fucked."

"And?"

"And..." He sighs. "I don't know. I feel the same? But different."

You sigh contently and rest your head on his shoulder. "Is it a bad different?"

"No."

"Then there really isn't a problem, right?" You smile against his skin and press a kiss to his shoulder.

"I guess not." You watch as he swallows, his eyes still focused on the ceiling. "I think I need to go home, Kankri."

You sigh sadly and move away from him. "Fine." You sit up, stretching. "Get dressed and I can take you home." You watch him as he moves, dressing quickly before you stand and do the same. Both of you leave the room and he packs his things just as quickly as he dressed, then waits for you at the door. "Do you have everything?"

"Yeah." His response is short and you can see the tension in his shoulders.

You grab your keys before slipping on your shoes. "Then let's go, I suppose." You sigh, feeling like you've messed up. Feeling like you shouldn't have done this. But you feel his hand on your shoulder and you turn to look at him. And you're glad that you do.

He presses a soft kiss to your lips, holding your face. "That was, uh, fun. Yeah. Fun." He sighs, face still flushed. "Guess we can maybe, like, do stuff later." He furrows his brow. "But if I get a boyfriend or girlfriend...!"

"Understandable." You smile and lean down, kissing him again. "Let's get you home then, shall we?"

He nods and you lead him out the door of the building.

As the evening light hits you, you let out a soft sigh. Because even in this chill, you realize that you're treading that fine line between right and wrong.

And you won't regret anything that's yet to come.