Sometimes you wake up at 4am, covered in a light sheen of sweat, struggling to breathe. It's something that you never found to be the biggest burden in your other homes. Back then, it was safer to be awake than to be asleep. You do what you always do in this situation and you creep down to the kitchen, where you pour a cold glass of water and sit down at the table with your eyes focused on the wall opposite you.

Sometimes, you find yourself running your hand along the faded wood of the table and imaging all the life that this room has held over the years. It's something that you have never really witnessed before. Life. The people in this house don't just survive, but they thrive. They love, they laugh, the live. It's wonderful to witness at times, but you always stand apart and watch, weary to join in, scared to get attached. Jude loves it, and you can't help but be happy to see him feel so warm and surrounded by people who don't treat him like just a possession. You wish he could understand like you do, though. If you get attached, it will hurt ten times more when they take you away. Because they will take you away.

It scares you to think that you might never get to feel anything close to this again in your life when you pack your bags and move on to another house, another family, another situation. You wait for the bad to come every day because it always has and, when it doesn't happen, you wake up in the middle of the night full of a feeling that you can't quite describe. It's not good or bad, it's just there, in the pit of your stomach, nagging at you, reminding you that you can feel.

A noise makes you aware that you are not alone and a hand on your shoulder slightly startles you, you whip your head around and see a tired Stef standing behind you with a concerned expression on her features. You hate when they worry because you've never had anyone worry before and you don't quite understand how to respond.

"You should be asleep." she speaks quietly and takes a seat right next to you, rubbing her hand up and down your back. It's nice. "You okay?"

You nod shyly and look down at your hands because you've never been a big fan of eye contact and you don't want to talk about things because being honest is hard.

It's obvious that she doesn't believe you because she stays like that, not saying a word, running her hand comfortingly on your back and staring across the room at the wall.

"Do you wake up in the middle of the night a lot?" She asks, ten minutes into blissful silence.

"I guess. Not all the time, but it happens." You look at her and she narrows her eyes and takes her hand away from your back to rest on your hand.

She nods and takes a deep breath, you can hear birds chirping outside, it makes you feel a little more secure. "I used to wake up during the night all the time before I met Lena."

You nod a little and you close your eyes. You want to block out the sounds and the feelings and the sights. You want to be alone, because then you don't have to be guarded Callie and you can be normal Callie.

You only cry when you know everyone is asleep our out. You only ever say what you are feeling through words in a journal and you never let anyone see. You are guarded because you have to be. You always have been. Sometimes you realise that Stef is like you in some ways. It's been three months since they took you in and you've formed a bond with this woman without wanting it. It only really becomes obvious sometimes like when you were sick with the flu and she was the only one you let comfort you. She's stubborn like you, but she's a much better person than you will ever be. She's kind and she has a huge heart and warm eyes like you've never seen before. You love Lena, too. She's supportive and comforting but you always remind yourself that you can't form yet another connection, so you build your walls higher for her.

"It stopped because I wasn't bottling things up inside. The doctor said that stress causes really bad Insomnia. I used to wake up at 3am every single night and I'd just wander the house, make tea, watch TV. I hated it because it made me feel so awful every day, but I couldn't avoid it. Not until I started to be honest with myself and open up with others."

You shake your head and take your hand away from under hers, hoping that the warmth will stay there for a little longer. "It's not the same thing." You mumble it with a tone of annoyance that makes a flash of disappointment appear across Stef's features. "I'm nothing like anyone here."

Sometimes, darkness consumes you. It seeps through your pores and it fills your entire body and it's like daggers in your lungs when you inhale. What's worse though, is when you exhale and it transfers onto other people. You don't mean to be this way, you wish you could just be a regular teenager like Mariana, but you're not and you never will be. You're so many things and not one of them are good.

"Callie…"

"It's 5am. I'm gonna go shower."

Stef stands up and moves towards you, shaking her head. "You need to trust us, Callie. You have to be honest with us."

"Maybe you think it's that easy," you say "but I have experience and I know what happens when I trust people. It only ends bad."

Before she can respond, you are leaving the room and padding towards the bathroom, ready to prepare yourself for another long day of pretending to fit in.