This is fucking boring tried to get through it but only want to bash my head into a brick wall.

Wellcome back

Bummed this has been abandoned. Great reading otherwise :)

I'm not sure which is more out of character for Stannis, speaking in the 3rd person in the second paragragh or surrendering his crown so easily.

I think that Daenerys should prepare for the army of the dead as she knows that soon the white walkers will come as the dark forces begin to rally to destroy all life as she knows that beyond the wall is an army of the dead which has mostly been built up from fallen rangers of the nights watch and wildlings along with other people who have made offerings to the dead to survive as the Night king prepares his forces for the long match to the wall while Mace Rider leader of the nights watch prepares to fight on as he rallies the free folk to attack the wall aiming to destroy the nights watch and get beyond the wall before the dead come. I think that Jon Snow should prepare for Mace's arrival having gained more brothers for the nights watch as he knows that he most stop Mace Rider before he destroys the wall or kills off all the nights watch as he fears the dead just as much as any other while he may not have seen the leader of the dead the night king yet he knows that the forces of man will have to unite to fight this war against the dead something not may of them will be willing to do as there is to much hatred amongst them after finely managing to defeat Mace Rider as Jon becomes the new night commander after Jonah's father is killed by Wildlings as he takes command of the nights watch to prepare for the dead's arrival. I think that Jonah meanwhile should prepare to assist the nights watch after defeating Mace Rider as Stannis has him burned for treason only for Jon Snow to put him out of his misery and showed Mercy to him by shooting him with an arrow but he knows that the dark forces will move in as the dead match ever closer as Jon goes out to rally the remaining wildlings with Tommand so that he can make an alliance with them as Jonah knows this is really dangeress to make an alliance as most of the nights watch hates the wildlings with a passion but he knows that Jon is doing what he believes is right and that they will need all the forces they have to stop the army of the dead from destroying Westeros. I think that Cercie meanwhile should begin to plot to reclaim the Iron throne knowing that Daenerys stole the Iron throne with that traitor Rob Stark knowing that her younger son Tomean is the next heir to the throne now that Joffrey's dead as she aims to kill Rob and then get rid of Daenerys by any means necessary as she begins her plan knowing that Daenerys didn't clear the slave cities of there masters which is good as she aims to pay off the Golden company along with the unsullied to help her reclaim the Iron throne and kill all her enemies as Cercie knows that victory won't be easy but it's do able as she will make sure to kill those dragons and any children Daenerys has to get rid of the Targaryen line once and for all.

어머 What about The Unsullied?!
It is not known. I can't even begin to wrap my head around Dany going across the Narrow Sea without her Unsullied army and Missandei and Grey Worm.

Aright, I read until chapter 12 . While I can appreciate a guikty pleasure fic (like a fix it), there are still certain things that need to be done. This review is intended as constructive criticism and apologize if it comes across as harsh.

One of the major flaw in your writing is the lack of conflict. Everything is too easy for your protagonists, hell the siege of King's Landing barely lasted a chapter. Robb anf Daenerys almost jumped each other's bones when they met for the first time. You need conflict to drag a story forward.

Another thing you need to work on his your transition. You have a tendency to pass from one scene to the next without warning. Take the conversation between Robb and Jaime in the Riverlands; the dialogue between the two is barely done and your next sentence is about Robb talking with Edmure privately. You do this a lot all through your work. It makes it jarring. Something to keep in mind.

The biggest problem however, and it is a common one amongst amateur writer, is your lack of showing and your habit of telling. What I mean by that is that you tend to tell us things like: Robb is charming. The only thing you have SHOWN us that could lead us to believe that is that he told Daenerys 'Gods, you're beautiful' and I wouldn't call that charming in the slighest. Instead of telling us that Robb is charming, show it through his interaction with Daenerys.

'Your Grace, I had heard tales of your beauty and yet none have done it justice,' he said with a small smile.

The Queen looked unfazed by the compliment, she had probably heard it more than once already.

'If we were to believe tales Lord Stark, I would have layed eyes upon a man half beast, ' she told him sternly. ' However, I'm quite glad these rumors prove to be unfound. You look much fairer than I imagined a man half wolf would looked like, ' she added with a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

You can see what I did there, I implied charm and flirting without ever mentionning either of those words. It's in the tone of the voices you use for you character, the word choicr but also the description you add.

Another example would be TELLING us what happened before instead of showing us. You have a lot of info dumping about past event which we don't need or could've been way more interesting if we had been part of these events (Daenerys storming the capital for example).

I hope this reviews helps you become a better writer if that is your wish.

Regards,
Basilisks

P.S. please excuse any typos, I'm on my phone :-)

I understand why Daenerys would chose to change the law as she did, but doing so only invites war the first time that a woman takes the throne when she has younger brothers. Female rulers generally are avoided because when they marry it's a dynastic change. Changing such views takes more than a generation, especially in a world like Westeros where television doesn't exist to inoculate social changes.

Great chapter!

Like it

Great chapter!

nice chapter1

nice chapter,

nice chapter

I love this. Oh gods yes, I love this.