Very well written chapter. I enjoyed it very much. The way you keep Falere's thought process at her age level, along with not automatically knowing what an Ardat-Yakshi is or what a monastery is was excellent. Strange that you had Samara being the "father", I had always assumed her to be the "mother" in the games. I think you got the panic of what was happening to them down-pat, and also the false rays of hope that they try to find for themselves.

One thing I noticed is that when you use internal thoughts in your writing, you use parenthesis when they are not needed. Simply putting internal thoughts in italics is enough to allow the reader to know that the character is thinking to themselves. Other than that, I thought your writing was pretty well done.

Very heartfelt. You brought out the discovery and the decision with such richness. I could feel the family's pain in what was happening. Well done :)

Inky, I must inform you that I have a propensity for eating onions when I read your story. I hope this will help you understand that I am not crying because of your excellent characterization or because you do so well at painting bleak picture, but because I love raw onions. Yummy!

I think this is part of what makes us so very different as authors. You are so very good at showing the shadows in the soul, the dark places it is so easy to go. I'd rather paint a picture with bright colors and happiness, but even I recognize that this world contains reasons to cry.

Also, you killed Tali. Jerk.

aw, poor girls. again, you play with my emotions. /shakes fist in consternation. lol just kidding. Another well written chapter. i like the little shout out to google in there, made me smile even as the rest of the chapter made me sad. nice to have a touch of brevity to go with the sorrow. you know, shakespeare always had a comedic act in all of his tragedies. your dialogue is smooth and natural as usual and there were lines that struck me as particularly poignant in Falere's internal monologue.

"She suddenly felt much older than yesterday. A girl like her shouldn't notice such things." love this, though 'girl' might be replaced with 'child', not a huge change but girl could be construed as anything up to middle age, really and child seems a bit more innocent. if innocence lost is the thing you're going for.

anyway, i look forward to more of Rila and Falere. i'm happy there's two whole chapters still to go. ;)

aw, Samara's kids, I see the beginnings of a real tragedy here. Are you going to break my heart? I bet you are. I felt a little tingling at the corner of my eyes already. I always thought Samara's story was one of the saddest in the games. All three of her children cursed genetically, irreversibly. What a torment to endure.
Anyway, this was a great opening salvo on my feels and remarkably well written. I didn't notice anything amiss really. No typos or anything that I could find. It flowed well and evenly, giving us a succinct setup without pomp. Good job!

We get to see Samarra before she becomes a Justicar, this is looking interesting already Inkess. As always, you do have minor grammar issues, and you skimped on the details, but also like always, your characterization and interactions are very well done. It was a little fast for my liking but this looks promising all the same my friend. Good luck.

That last line killed me. A young child having to explain to her own father that she isn't a monster. And now I hate Samara.

There is a great dynamic between the sisters. I like what you've done with this, clearly identifying Falere as insecure and Rila as providing guidance. This chapter was great and well written. It still feels like you're still in the set-up phase of the story. I cannot wait to see when whatever conflict(s) you have in store for us become a factor.

Thanks for the read!

Hmm... an interesting story.

It's an interesting view from the point of those who have Ardant-Yakshi. While the topic wasn't covered too much in Mass Effect, in this story you focus on the more personal part, an interesting choice. Because I haven't quite gotten to the part in Mass Effect 3, I can't say much more on the situation, but my one complaint is that the amount of chapters isn't really enough for me to take notice of the direction of the story.

Followed.

"We care, Falere thought suddenly and gripped her sister's shoulder. We care. We're not monsters. No matter what others think."
Building off of Falere's feelings last chapter, now her mother has begun to break down her feelings of safety and of her role in society. By the cold and isolating description in the first part of this chapter, I felt a chill as she walked down the distant corridors, her sister idly staring out of the window as the snow fell down. This isolation is important it seems as the chapters have slowly been building up to something, whatever that plot point will lead to. Indeed, even the call with her mother seemed distant as the static screen and muffled sound did little to ease her feelings of seperation. Her feelings, in conjunction with her sister's, felt natural and logical. Everything in this chapter helped create that claustrophobic intensity that I hope to seem increase in future chapters.
However, though I do enjoy the chapter lengths, I find the time skips a bit jarring as so much time is passing between each chapter that I feel it becomes disjointed, disconnected for each other. This may be the style you are going for however, and if yi are indeed trying to amplify the alienation of the audience to mimic Falere's alienation from society, I urge you to continue. I always like it when ideologies and conceptual thoughts in a story translate into its style so organically.
But, even though it may be of your creation, a little more connection between chapters wouldn't hurt too much, at least in these early stages. Another thing that bothered me slightly was Lossa's seeming departure from the chapter. It seems odd that, from bring introduced in that last chapter, to now she is only mentioned. Again, it felt as if there should have been another chapter to explore Lossa and Falere's relationship even more and to slowly draw in the audience to this bug twist.
Overall, the pacing, style, spelling, grammar, and sentence structure is all brilliant and I look forward to seeing where you are taking this story and what other twists you will throw in. Now that Falere and her sister are truly alone, I wonder what will happen in the monistary that will break down Falere even more?

Awww.

I've always thought Falere and Rila are really tragic figures. You didn't have to show me HOW tragic!

*sob*

On a side note, your tenses tend to hoppity-skip between present and past. Is that supposed to happen?

Funny, I just blew up the monastery in ME3. Yay for relevancy! Anyway, I loved the way you portray Falere and develop her personality. It's nice to see Samara act motherly too. She can be so cold and calculating in the games, it's easy to forget that she's a mother. Very nice, I will be reading more in the future :)

I really enjoyed this first chapter! I think that the concept is very original, and incredibly interesting. I wasn't entirely sure how depicting Falere as a child would work, but you handled it well. In a sense it's related to the stigma that surrounds sexuality and growing up today, which is an impressive (not sure if intended) allegory. I also think that you managed to capture Samara very well even though she wasn't a strong presence in the chapter. Definitely a story I want to continue reading!

I can only assume that the thoughts running through Rila's head are one of the many sad variations on, "What did I do wrong? Why don't you love me?"

"There was nothing. Nothing at all. Just the heavy blanket of snowflakes that dampened the already sparse sounds on this goddess-forsaken planet."
The more I read this story, the more I enjoy it. It seems that at the beginning, the story was slightly shackled by the fact that she was young and with her parents. Now that the opening atmosphere has been established and we know her backstory, the pacing and writing really have started to take off.
I applaud you as well from not shying away from the sensitive topic of sex and attraction. Sure it's called "melding" but the basic facts are the same. The way you decribe her longing and the tension in her loins leading up to her release is one of the most interesting parts of this chapter, with the idea behind her stirring attractions being a highlight so far in this story. Many original fictions and works of art try and shy away from this very hotly debated topic, but I appreciate you tackling it with ease and grace.
The writing style was good and the pacing spot on for the chapter. I also like the motif of snow and " purity" in this chapter. The cool, crisp sheen of false perfection outside Falere's window perfectly mirrored her internal conflict. On the outside Falere is considered beautiful and perfect, yet her inner turmoil and secrets cause her to be seen as icy and vile when her grasp catches those near here. Indeed one could also make the argument that the snow juxtaposes her position on life as the perfect scene outside mocks her inner turmoil.
The only real comment I have is the introduction of Lossa. It seemed to come out of no where and when you dropped her name I was very confused about who she was. Thankfully you dealt with her characters introduction later in the chapter, but be careful in the future when name dropping characters the audience doesn't know yet. (I really hope Lossa plays a huge role later in the story).
Though I want the chapter to be longer, the pacing was near perfect and the style was spot on. I cannot possibly wait for more to see where exactly you want to take this.

I loved this chapter, I was fascinated with Samara and her daughters in mass effect and found the story behind them lacking considering the effect their lives have on one of the main team members.
You have given them a past, though dark and upsetting you brought them strength and a certain vulnerability that makes me fear them but at the same time want to protect them.
Another wonderful read thank you.