Wands choose their owners, and this story has irreversibly reinforced that notion forever. It's really funny and well-done, except for a few grammar errors.

Hahahahahahaha! That was absolutely hilarious man, you have to keep writing on this one. Keep up the good work dude, ha ha.

Am I correct in understanding that the Dragon Tendon and Unicorn Hair Wands in this story are actually Hermione Granger's and Ronald Weasley's Wands respectively?

Best. Hilarious job.

Stupid, freaking wands xD That’s all I have to say!

Well, not everything, really. It just happens that picturing the situation is beyond hilarious. Poor kids! Imagine this was canon but that the wands actually talked! I’m having such an easy time envisioning a little cartoon mouth near their handle or, every time they talked, sparks came out of their tips.

Although I couldn’t find the owner of the first wand, I was very amused by the fact that you used a reference for the Elder wand, which is, Thestral tail-hair. Do you know that this kind of core is considered “tricky” by wand makers and that only a wizard who has mastered Death can wield such a wand? Anyway, as a reviewer pointed before, many magical objects in the HP world do talk and move so I wouldn’t consider it very far-fetched for a wand to do so. Their temper can be an added bonus, as many wands are quite temperamental and may have mood swings.

The last wand owner was clearly our boy wonder Harry :P Overall, I found this one-shot quite amusing for an attempt at humor. Well done! However, I would’ve liked to see more detailed descriptions laced with witty and dry remarks, though it works fine like this. Keep up the good stories!

I found this piece to be really cute and charming. I would never have thought to animate the wands in the HP fandom, ever. But you took a uniquely fabulous and unexplored idea and really made it your own. That was brilliant. I also love how you buttoned up Harry being selected by his wand, but did not automatically connect it to Voldemort by virtue of it being the twin of the dark lord's own wand. That was nice.

Some lines I really liked:

(("Way to perpetuate stereotypes about British oral hygiene, douchebag," said Unicorn Hair.))-I love the unique voices that you give to the individual wand centers here. They are very vibrant and stand out from among each other. I also love that you take something considered so sweetly innocent and give it a distinctly more biting edge. It makes the voice stand out even further. And the humor of the line, the self-deprecation by taking a known stereotype and criticizing it ( intentional or not) makes me consider the actual stereotype and see how wrong it is to label an entire population for a particular feature. Brilliant.

((Standards had been slipping for generations now. Some wands were desperate enough to take anyone.))-I love how you give that elite full blood voice that someone like Draco has to the wands. It really adds depth and breathes life into them, making them more than just pieces of wood with magical cores.

((No, seriously," said Phoenix Feather. "Check that thing out. It's almost the exact shape as a lightning bolt. How sweet is that?"))-I love that you butt up Harry and and his wand in this way. It's sweetly adorable and gives a different depth to the connections wands make with their owners.

(("The cheek," said Unicorn Feather.

"The gall."

"The brass!"

"Never liked that one anyway," added Dragon Tendon.))-love you close the piece off with humor. It just keeps the piece fun and lively.

A couple of critiques:

((to to))-just delete a to.

((hate dthe))-hated, just a minor edit :)

((hadnt))-hadn't

In all this was a really lovely little piece. You captured a lightheartedness and sweetness that made the pace fresh and lively. It was not stuffy or riddled with useless detail or unimportant plot. You buttoned up a key plot that any fan of the HP novels or movies will automatically pick up on and painted a deeper connection between a wand and wizard while at it. In all, absolutely brilliant story and I greatly enjoyed reading it!

Awh, how cute and clever! I love the idea of wands having personalities...and some of those personalities being incredibly dickish. XD The insults were quite funny, and the repetition at the end added a nice ending note to this piece. I saw a few typos, so if you're ever so inclined, you might want to go clean it up. Other than that, though, I think this light-hearted piece gets the job done rather nicely. Lovely work.

Many magical objects in the world of Harry Potter have personalities and can talk. So why not wands? It works well that they can communicate thoughts to each other but not to the humans. This choice allows the nice little dramatic irony of letting the reader in on the secret of your piece that it's Harry the hero in Ollivander's shop to choose his wand - significance that's lost on Willow Unicorn Hair and Willow Dragon Tendon.

This sentence explaining how the wands feel being kid-handled when they're being tried out is really great writing: [The closest equivalent for humans would be to crawl through sewage pipes every day in the hopes of finding true love at the end of the tunnel.]

Some copy editing nits:
Paragraph 6: double "to to."
Paragraph 7: "They hate dthe..."
Paragraph 9: "Ollivander hadnt..."

In paragraphs 41 through 44, "Unicorn Hair" suddenly becomes "Unicorn Feather." Huh?

Some bits that are grammatically fine but (maybe for fools like me) potentially confusing:
Paragraph 2: Since we don't know yet we're looking at a human "Look at that hair!" might refer to the wand with the unicorn hair. Perhaps leave off mentioning Harry's hair until we know they're describing a child?

Paragraphs 26 and 27: I don't know which of the two friends are speaking without reading back. Your call.

Nice little humor piece.

Dragon Tendon and Unicorn Feather remind me of those two old geezer puppets from the Muppets.

"never liked that one anyway" best parting line! Absolutely hilarious. Write another! ;)

A very interesting idea. Two typo's through:

“They hate dthe thought of some snot nosed little child rubbing his oils and sweat into their wood, sloshing his magic through their cores.”“hate the thought”

“Ollivander hadnt picked him off the shelf even though he was close to Ten Inch Willow Unicorn Hair.” “hadn't picked him”

I really liked these two lines: "No, seriously," said Phoenix Feather. "Check that thing out. It's almost the exact shape as a lightning bolt. How sweet is that?" and "But look at that hair!" sputtered Dragon Tendon. "Glam rock won't be coming back, you know."

Awesome. I love your take on wands with attitude! What a bunch of douchebags ...