ok first I must say this so you don't get the wrong impression. this story is amazing and I love it so far. kinda wish it was a show, so much drama.
now for what I want to say, so many levels of fucked up there. what she did was just beyond cruel to fox. honestly I kinda wanted Kat to get more on her case when she found out but it was good.
just finished act 1 and it was great. going to read act 2 and hope this keeps going

CHAPTER 17

Falco and Katt feel like they do a *lot* of stuff in this story off screen. I mention this because Falco saying he was off racing reminded me of that. If you were gonna give this story an overhaul I definitely think I'd like to see more of what they're doing, so the ratio of text is better balanced between your two pairings.

Some coincidence that Sarah happened to have an eye missing like Wolf, although it does say a lot about her that she seems to prefer cybernetically enhanced eyes to her original ones. Maybe this is why they were attracted to each other.

You know, I wondered if 'Iron Wolfs' was a typo but then the characters themselves pointed it out and it turns out the gang spells it that way deliberately... That was funny.

Fox is recalling Kursed's memories...so these flashbacks are actually happening in universe in Fox's head? That's odd... I'm not sure what to think of this, other than it's meant to be a convenient way to have the reader experience lots of Kursed flashbacks?

So Igan's boss has shown himself to be a rather ruthless boss, and I think it was a neat touch to wait until the end of the scene to explain why that other guy was screaming while Igan was in the room. I feel like Krystal would have more of a reaction to that though. Although maybe she is desensitized to things like this now because of that 'start of darkness' moment she had with Ten.

You seemed to make it a point that we don't see his name, what with how the flashback's ending is timed. Wonder why.

To be honest though I don't think I like Igan's boss as a character though. He's obviously an evil villain with his whole mannerisms and style of dress and whatnot, but I prefer villain characters with more complexity to them. And as I read further down, he's evil to the point where he descends into *stupid evil* territory, which makes it hard for me to take him seriously. I much prefer villains who know what they're doing and don't do stuff that jeopardizes their own goals.

You know, this conversation where Fox is afraid about accepting what Krystal has done while she was gone...this was one of the reasons he didn't want to see Kursed as Krystal originally, right? Well, I'm glad you're bringing it up again, as it does help establish continuity with Act 1 and better illustrate why Fox was deluding himself earlier until he was forced to confront the truth.

I find it weird that one of the wolves would openly say 'no, you can't go through here because you're not in the gang'. Would they really want to openly identify themselves as being gang members? Unless they've just got so much power over this area they don't care? I figure that'd come back to bite them in the ass if they openly admitted to being part of a criminal gang like that.

I've got to say...at times in this chapter, the dialogue feels on the ping-pongy side. I'd like it better if we stopped more to get into the characters' heads in between the things they say to each other. Like Krystal knifing someone? I feel like you could've gone into a lot more detail on that beyond the dialogue you wrote.

Also this *is* a good scene to show how Krystal doesn't fit into the team that well anymore, like she mentioned earlier. I would've liked to see a scene like this a few chapters ago, at the time she mentioned it.

CHAPTER 18

Something about this argument between Fox and Krystal over whether that kid had to die bugs me. I think it's because I feel like both characters should understand they're mercenaries, so they're going to have to kill people while doing heir jobs. So I think Krystal bringing up all the kills Fox made during the Lylat Wars and the Aparoid Invasion was silly, especially since she was around for the latter.

Rather, I feel like they should've been arguing with each other over whether Krystal used the right amount of force to catch that one guy. Also, something I thought about... Krystal managed to get in knifing range, and she explained she couldn't use her blaster's stun setting because of the guy's armor. Well, if you're that close, why not just tackle him and shoot him point blank in the head with the stun then? It says he's got armor on under his clothes, but nothing is said about the uncovered parts of his body.

I feel like it'd make more sense if then Fox pointed out Krystal reflexively went for the knife instead of the non-fatal solution, showing how she's still changed from her time as Kursed.

I'm not finding myself intrigued with the conflict with the Iron Wolfs. Star Fox chasing down a street gang just isn't that interesting, compared to having adventures out in space. It feels like a letdown after Act 1's plot involving Cerinia. I wonder if maybe you should have cut back on this part of the story to focus more on the Igan plot.

Also, like I've said before, I think I would've just told events in chronological order and had Igan abducting Krystal in this chapter instead of in Chapter 15.

CHAPTER 19

You know, I wonder if it may have been better for *this* to be Sarah O'Donnell's introduction, rather than Falco mentioning her offhand when he spotted her at the racing track. This just feels like a much better character intro to me than the one we got. Like maybe you could've kept her hidden until this moment. It's not like the reader would need to know she's in the story until this point.

So if you work for Igan's boss, you have to do everything he says or you die, and if you try to leave you die. So you're basically enslaved to him for the rest of your life. And you are even told these things up front.

I have to wonder why *anyone* would want to work for Igan's boss then, because that sounds like a really shit deal. Unless Igan's boss just threw around boatloads of cash at people or only hired people who were desperate, but I don't see evidence of that. Krystal didn't seem bothered at all by these rules when she joined up. Seriously, it's not unheard of to get into situations like this in criminal gangs, but they don't tell you these downsides *up front*. Otherwise nobody would want to join up. It's a freaking MIRACLE Igan's boss has any loyal henchmen right now.

He's got no one to blame but himself for why Krystal ran away and inspired many of his other henchmen to leave too. I'm surprised he isn't already out of business or one of his 'henchmen' hasn't just killed him already. Serouisly, if he just dropped this policy of 'no one refuses an order and no one leaves, or they die' he wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place. He's wasting a ton of money and resources just going to Lylat to recapture Krystal too, when he doesn't really have anything to gain from it but revenge. It makes him look stupid, to be honest with you.

So...that flashback with Krystal fleeing the Aldane system...that's where she escaped and went back to Lylat before being forced to work with Fox, right? It just feels oddly placed because if it didn't have italics it could almost be a scene that could be happening in the present. I must say I don't like the constant hopping around in the timeline. That makes it harder to follow the story. I feel like the flashbacks would work better if you just had them all as one big unit instead of scattered around like tihs.

I get that Fox is seeing these things in his head, but this framing device just feels unnecessary to me. I wouldn't have been bothered at all if you just showed the flashbacks without trying to integrate them into the story's universe.

You know, isn't *Leon* Star Wolf's assassin? It's just bizarre to hear him call Panther an assassin like it's an insult. Also I'd think you'd have to know how to fight effectively to be an assassin, given that if you don't take out your target by surprise you'd better be ready to fight them.

Well anyway, interesting idea with the fake room. Too bad Solemn couldn't have been clever enough to change how he runs his business so none of this would be necessary.

I forgot to mention this in my previous review, but did you ever explain why Husky Five betrayed Bill's squadron in the first chapter? Because I don't think that ever came back up again after the first chapter. Not to mention I don't think it was ever explained who killed Typhoon and who sabotaged the fighters on the ground, or why. I guess the Cerinians Andross was controlling did it? Are any of these questions going to get answered in Act 3? I wonder what reason there would be for withholding this info though.

It's a general weakness of the story for me, to be honest. To make room for more Fox X Krystal stuff, it feels like everything else is kinda shoved to the side and underdeveloped (Husky Five's motives for betrayal, Falco and Katt's role in the plot, the final 'battle' with Andross, who is sabotaging things behind the scenes on the surface of Cerinia, the ultimate fate of Cerinia and her people, etc.). I would like it if there were better balance and more attention given to other aspects of the story.

I will say though I think you did a great job on Krystal's and Cerinia's backstory, and how you got Marcus involved in the climax of Act 1. That was given plenty of focus. I liked reading through it, I liked how Andross was involved and preyed on Krystal's weaknesses, and I liked how it tied into conflicts Krystal has now (both her father and Fox believing they need to protect her, when she doesn't want protection and wants to fight). Good job on all of that. I just wish Andross got to do more stuff in the story's present, and that Marcus had a different, more appropriate name for his culture.

Anyway, let me look at the next couple chapters. I'm only six away from finishing what you've got now, so I think I may review them in three chapter chunks.

CHAPTER 14

Wow, Peppy's in the story again? I almost forgot he was here :P You know though...the ultimate goal in pool is to sink the eight ball after pocketing all of your other balls, right? So in the end, you DO want the eight ball. In that way I suppose Peppy is right to make the comparison, but then he neglects to mention that in his comparison.

I felt like this conversation was a tad redundant insofar as developing the FxK plot, although it was fun for Peppy to speculate what he might do if his wife had faked her death and showed up one day out of the blue.

Ooooh, new characters in a new system and on a ship we've never seen before? This intrigues me for sure. So we have a Dr. Iriving here, and he's the one she used to conceal Krystal's identity? And this wolfhound wants to find Krystal for some reason? He says he wants to discuss some things with her, although with what he did to the doctor I guess he's planning a lot more than that. I'm guessing Krystal crossed him in the past or something and he wants revenge. His character design reminds me of Wolf's appearance in Star Fox 2 with the three scars over the eye too.

Hmm...well I'm a bit disappointed they're coming to Lylat instead of say Fox and Krystal going to Aldane, but oh well.

CHAPTER 15

It is an interesting idea to point out that Krystal doesn't fit on the team like she used to, but I think I would have preferred seeing a short scene demonstrating this instead of her just telling us about it.

Heh, I find it amusing a strip bar claims to have Cerinians on staff, and apparently they're not real. Probably regular foxes in blue fur dye. Were they inspired by Krystal's fame I guess? Wouldn't surprise me.

So Fox has a base in a city that has criminal troubles, but the actual base doesn't really have guards and then Krystal says 'it's a small city and everyone was friendly'. So...don't these two statements contradict each other? Or did stationing Star Fox there just have an effect on the city that fast? Anyway this chapter sure does demonstrate fast why it was a bad idea for the team to have lax security... They were asking for Igan to invade like tihs, to be honest.

Well done fight scene. I guess I'll see what the ultimate consequences are of this in later chapters.

So you're showing the scene where Star Fox gets set up at this base AFTER the previous scene where Igan infiltrated the place? I'm not quite sure of the reasoning behind that. You say you wanted to have a dark beginning and a happy ending...although the beginning overrides any happiness I would feel about the ending considering I already know what's happened to these characters after this scene. So if you want me to feel happy at the end, that's not happening. I would have just kept the scenes in chronological order. Would have made for better dramatic punch.

I don't think I buy Krystal's reasoning for not using her real name. If everyone knows her as Kursed, wouldn't it make more sense to use an totally new alias that is unrecognizable to her enemies? It's what she should have done in the first place, given that either way (if she used Kursed or Krystal) Igan and co. would have figured out she was with Star Fox. She also probably should have chosen a new look instead of her old Kursed look, just for good measure.

Also, even if she goes with the Kursed name and her enemies assume she is only contracted out to Star Fox temporarily, I don't think you could keep that illusion up. Eventually people are going to figure out this is a permanent arrangement. You can't keep that hidden forever. Like I say, it would be better for Krystal to just invent a separate identity from both of her old ones, because it would eliminate that problem. Maybe even she could start getting fur dye to look like a regular-colored fox or something.

CHAPTER 16

Ah, so it looks like we're still in the past for this chapter too.

Corneria deploys its military as a police force? Why not just have regular police? This feels like an odd decision to me. Granted, this was done centuries ago (like with Roman soldiers acting as police) but I'm pretty sure there's a good reason we don't do things this way now. Maybe it's because a police officer and a soldier require very different sets of skills to do their jobs effectively, and it's just easier to have separate organizations handle policing and war.

The Hot Rodders are just Falco, Katt and a couple other people on Titania, right? Why would they be keeping tabs on other gangs on completely different planets? Generally, gangs only keep tabs on each other if they're rivals and they interfere with each other's turf and business, because they either want to take the other gang down or merge into one big group. What you have the Hot Rodders doing here is kind of like the Japanese Yakuza being concerned about what Colombian drug cartels are doing, when they're in totally different parts of the world, conducting totally different types of illicit business with totally different clientele, and so there's no reason for either of them to know or care about what the other one is up to. Unless...the Hot Rodders' income is from keeping tabs on other gangs and selling the information? But again, how would they do that when they're in a totally different part of Lylat and only a very small handful of people? Or have you just changed the Hot Rodders to be a much bigger group with chapters on multiple planets? There seem to be hints of this in the chapter.

Also, I think it would be better for local law enforcement to do the leg work on investigations, given that's their job, and they know their neighborhoods better than Star Fox would. If they need Star Fox's firepower, it would be better for them to complete their investigation, give Star Fox a target to shoot at, and then let them have at it. But...then again, generally for handling street crime you don't want to go in guns blazing. Lethal force is supposed to be the last resort when it comes to police work. Yet Star Fox doesn't really seem to use non-lethal weapons, so I'm wondering if having a mercenary unit in this situation is really the right use for them. Also, taking this job means turning down other jobs out in space that would probably fit their expertise better too, which would hurt their pay.

I've got to say...I actually considered all of this when I was thinking about writing a story where Star Fox tries to take down a local street racing ring in Corneria City, but as I thought about all the stuff I listed above I realized it'd just make a lot more sense for the local police to handle it instead of Star Fox. So the story ended up unwritten.

Ooooh...backstory for Krystal on Zoness. Interesting.

You know though, I wonder why the guard wouldn't just have multiple copies of the bounty documents instead of just one being posted on the boards. It'd create more competition amongst the bounty hunters to deliver fast before someone else, thus the bounties get done quicker. I think it would make more sense if Krystal tried to complete the bounties, but Igan always seemed to be one step ahead of her and claiming them before she could collect and get paid. But maybe he was impressed enough with her ability to let her have Ten's bounty, and then the rest of the chapter plays out as you've got it now.

Also, considering Krystal's already killed a ton of people working with Star Fox (and the story points this out even) the drama of her making her first bounty kill falls flat for me. Yes, it's the first time she's killed someone face to face, but this isn't good enough to get me feeling emotional. She crossed the line of killing to survive a long time ago.

I think you should have come up with a much harder 'start of darkness' moment for Krystal to deal with...one that really hits home for her. Like for example, imagine if Krystal had an ally helping her get by on Zoness, but she ended up stabbing them in the back to guarantee her own survival? Like she had to spend time deciding to do this and then consciously plan it out and execute it, thereby dragging out the emotional anguish for both her and the reader? Or maybe one of her bounties was a hardworking parent just trying to make ends meet, and by killing him Krystal has doomed their child to be a homeless orphan? Or even better...combine the two ideas.

Also, as I've said before, I think I would've saved the moment for when Igan captured Krystal to be AFTER all of this. This way, we'll have spent some time getting to know Igan, we'll know more about what he's like as a person and have more context for him capturing Krystal (and thus we'll be more emotionally invested in the moment Igan attacks Kyrstal).

Sarah O'Donnell, huh? Wolf's sister or something. Hehe, so she's part of that all-wolf street gang I guess?

Well, took me a while to get here, but this whole journey has been fantastic from the start. Easily one of my favorite Star Fox stories on this site. You are awesome and I look forward to the next update!

So Chapter 13, Andross is dead, and Cerinia is 'saved'... Although all of the Cerinians seem to have died because of what Krystal did, so it feels like a hollow victory to me. I'm surprised the story didn't touch on this more. I'm okay with downer endings from time to time, but the characters just seem to kind of accept what's happened and then leave the planet behind. It's a weird conclusion to me, considering this was a journey with a personal stake for Krystal and yet she doesn't seem bothered by what's happened at all.

The only angst Krystal has seems to be for her relationship with Fox, and that's it. You'd think she'd have at least some thoughts to spare for her father, who she had to fight before he died again. Or maybe she'd express some satisfaction over Andross' death, after what he did to her planet. I think you should have given these parts of the story some more attention.

Everything except for Fox's and Krystal's relationship just feels underdeveloped in this chapter.

Also, this chapter reminds me of the reason I generally avoid Fox X Krystal stories nowadays: without fail, Fox and Krystal always end up back together in the end. Knowing this going into any FxK story, it's difficult for me to get excited or interested in any relationship drama between these two, like when Fox told Krystal to leave I already knew he was going to change his mind in the end. Some people do enjoy the journey along the way to getting them back together again, but I much prefer stories where I don't know what's going to happen ahead of time. I like to be surprised.

So Act 2 is going to be Fox and Krystal getting to know each other again per your author's notes... I'm sure FxK fans would love reading that, but it doesn't sound like something that would interest me personally.

Well, if you like, I can stop reading. Just let me know. I know my reviews haven't been that positive for a wihle. It's just that when I start reading something, generally I want to see it through to the end. I hate leaving books unfinished. And I do think the analysis I do in my reviews is a fun exercise, regardless.

Are you going to follow up on anything from Act 1 in Act 2, or should I just consider Act 1 to be over and done with now? Because Andross died in such an anti-climactic way, I keep wondering if you're going to bring him back. Or if Cerinia being saved is going to have bearing on anything later in the story. Or if the 'Marcus' ghost will play a role in something.

CHAPTER 11

Don't think I have a lot to say about this chapter. It looks like it was mostly just to set up the team's trip towards where the crystal is. So I decided to keep reading to see where this went.

Not quite sure why they need to split up though, if they're all going to the same place. It sounds like a bad idea to me, given they don't fully understand why the Cerinians are gone, they won't have radio contact, they don't fully understand what's going on here, and if something happens to Falco's and Katt's ships they wouldn't have a way to quickly escape the mountain top if they ran into danger.

CHAPTER 12

Ooooh, yeah... The start of this chapter *immediately* showed why it was a bad idea for the group to split up. Funny enough, I wrote what I did on 11 before even looking at 12. Seriously, you think the group would have thought about this. Although I don't know why Falco and Katt couldn't just abort their approach, fly back to the palace *right now*, and catch back up with Fox and Krystal. You did mention it was only a few minutes' flight back there, so Fox and Krystal shouldn't be too far ahead of them.

Nonetheless this is a good 'oh shit' moment based on the story that Krystal told in the prior chapter about how the planet vanished the first time.

Ha, called it! Someone *was* waiting for them down here so Krystal could open the way to the crystal with her staff!

Well, this is a good way to explain everything we've seen so far, what with Andross' experiments, explaining what happened to the Cerinians, why they look and act this way, and also a nice prelude to Marcus before he shows up (with Andross mentioning that one of his subjects was reacting better to his mind control experiments). Well done on that, by the way.

I'm guessing you're naming Krystal's father that because you want that to be the reason Fox and Krystal name their son Marcus...however, Marcus doesn't sound like a Cerinian name to me. It sounds a little too much like a regular Anglo-Saxon name for this culture.

Anyway though, both Fox and Krystal have their weapons on Andross. It's two on one. Why bother talking to him? Why not just shoot him? Because that let Marcus get the drop on them you know. Or heck, why does Andross bother talking to them? Why not just shoot Fox in the back while he's looking at the computer, and then let Marcus capture Krystal? He doesn't need Fox alive after all.

Ooooh... So the bit where Fox and Krystal are killed was just a vision of the future, so they could be ready for Andross. Got to admit, that did take me by surprise, and the fight scene with Marcus was pretty good. You did a great job working in how Marcus taught Krystal to fight, and that played a role in this whole business when he easily overwhelmed her due to knowing how she would behave in a fight with a staff.

However, I would be more impressed if Fox and Krystal had the foresight to think someone might be waiting here to ambush them, and then they catch Andross at gunpoint before he can even sneak up on them. It'd go a long way towards demonstrating how skilled they are at their jobs as mercenaries, you know.

You could still have Marcus come out of nowhere and take them by surprise, however, so the story can still progress the same way you have it now. The whole future vision fakeout thing just feels like a really elaborate, unnecessary way to make the chapter longer than it needs to be. Krystal's fight scene with Marcus was great and I enjoyed reading it but the future vision thing cheapens the impact of it. I wanted it to be real...minus the whole death thing anyway.

Now, Andross corrupting that Krystal... Question, why isn't Krystal herself affected by the crystal being corrupted, given that she too is a Cerinian? Is it because she's been away from the planet for so long her connection is weak to it? Anyway you might want to drop an explanation on that.

Also I find it a bit odd that the crystal is corrupted even though it's said over and over again that Andross has never been able to get to it, though you do explain that it's a result of what he's done to the planet and its people. Although how does that work? Is there like a symbiotic relationship between the crystal and the Cerinians?

Also, there's still seven more chapters after this so I doubt Krystal's dead :P

All right! Someone *finally* figured out Kursed was Krystal! Ha, maybe I should've read this chapter before I posted my last review. Anyway, I had a huge grin on my face once Katt finally got in Krystal's face about pretending to be Kursed all this time, and never telling Fox it was really her.

I also think it's funny that it was a small detail like Krystal's fake *eyes* that gave her away to Katt, as opposed to all of the other myriad clues that have been obvious all this time...like the ones I pointed out in my last review. Seriously, you'd think if Katt just stopped to put all of those facts together, she would have come to this conclusion ages ago.

Well, I'm glad this part of the story's finally getting some progress and development. I eagerly await when Krystal's finally forced to reveal the truth to Fox by Katt. Although I wonder if maybe Krystal might try to do something to protect her secret...like she tries to get desperate enough to get Katt out of the way or something. It'd be easy to make her disappear on this planet, right?

A part of me wonders if this part of the story could have been better if you hadn't told us up front that Kursed is Krystal. I've read another fic where the author gave Krystal a secret identity, but it was a totally original one of the author's own creation (so the name Kursed wouldn't spoil the surprise). As a result, the author fooled all of us into thinking Krystal's identity really was a separate character until she revealed her true self. It was one of the coolest and most memorable plot twists of the story. So if you did want to keep the reader as blind as the characters, it can be done effectively.

Although that would've cut opportunities for drama, considering it'd be considerably harder/impossible to have any scenes showing Krystal's true thoughts about the situation without spoiling the surprise. And yeah...this story seems to run on drama, so I'm not sure if you'd want to do things like the other author.

Now for the other part of the chapter I was interested in...seeing what's happened to Bill. Hmm... We still haven't found out why Bill's squad mate betrayed him. Could it be that he was working for Andross and he didn't want anyone to find out about the plot on Cerinia just yet? I'm guessing the traitorous squadmate is connected to the jamming signal, plus why Bill's fighter was sabotaged.

And now Typhon's missing...having gone up to the mountains to set up the beacon. That also happens to be where the cave is that leads to what Andross is after...and it's blocked by that particular type of stone that only seems to respond to Krystal's staff, as the others have said. Hmm...why do I get the feeling Andross or one of his cronies is waiting for someone like Krystal to come by and open the way for them?

Also, third option to the characters deciding if they should go down and look for Andross, or just leave and report their findings. What if instead you had one person leave to report the news, so they could get backup on the surface, while the others went over to the mountain to investigate? Kind of a best of both worlds option.

Something that's bugged me since I started reading this story is why Krystal is so determined to not let Fox know her real identity. With this chapter though, I think I get it now. She feels like she doesn't deserve Fox, and feels like she can't stay with him. Hiding her identity will make it easier for her to leave when their job is done.

And since you've mentioned Fox is in denial about acknowledging Kursed is Krystal, that is why he doesn't connect the dots even though it's increasingly obvious she could only be Krystal.

However though...you'd think Falco and Katt would be more level headed about this whole thing (given they're less emotionally invested in this plot), and they might say "Hey Fox, have you considered Kursed may be lying to you and she really *is* Krystal? I mean, somehow there just so happens to be another 'last' Cerinian who just so happens to have Krystal's staff, who just so happens to look like Krystal aside from some easy-to-make cosmetic changes, and who just so happened to sneak on Krystal's small escape ship and yet Krystal never sensed her aboard and never mentioned her?"

Instead they seem to buy into the BS as much as Fox, and that really disappointed me. It would have been really fun if they started asking some hard questions like that, just so I could see what Fox or Krystal would do next or where the story would go next. Not to mention it'd allow Fox and Falco to make their own big contribution to the story instead of just being Fox's and Krystal's backup.

You can tell, but I'm ready for this status quo to get shaken up, huh? :P

Now all this aside I think the conversation that Katt had about painting her Arwing pink after joining Star Fox was pretty funny, and I wish the story had more of Falco and Katt in it for sure.

Also we're getting back to what happened to Bill too, which is awesome. As was the description of the journey down to find him as Krystal mentioned she had to shield their minds to keep the Cerinians from finding them.

I decided to look at 7 and 8 together since they're not that long and they're meant to go together anyway.

CHAPTER 7

Interesting thing about the stone. I like how the story shows us you can shoot at it and blaster shots just bounce right off, yet something seems to have worn it down somehow.

Also the planet seems to be in pretty good shape... I was thinking there'd be devastation everywhere and not just limited to places like towns and villages.

So the ash, locally affecting the village. Initial thoughts, I wonder if it's the people of the village somehow who've been burned to death. Also, a door just crumbles away into ash when it's touched? I wonder if they should be breathing that stuff in... Makes me wonder if they should have face masks or something. Sheesh, they could be breathing in the ashes of people there...

I would've liked it if you described those shadowy figures more...the ones that confronted the group at the top of the stairs in front of the palace. You only gave them like a sentence or two of description before the story picked up again. Not to mention I feel like the characters (aside from Krystal) underreact to them. Fox and the others just kinda keep doing what they're doing aside from keeping an eye on them, and not much else. You'd think Fox, Falco, and Katt would be a little more freaked out, given they're beings that seem to be made of shadow and they just shot one in the head and there was no reaction from the other beings aside from them backing up.

I feel like I should be a lot more creeped out by them but the lack of description makes it hard to feel that way. Shoot, you spent three paragraphs describing everyone's clothes further up in the chapter. Can't you do more of that down here? This feels a lot more important to the story than what everybody's wearing.

CHAPTER 8

Ah okay, so this is the last scene but rewound in time a bit so we see it from Krystal's perspective, and the reason she freaked out was because she saw a brief picture of a Cerinian before her round hit one of the shadow creatures. So apparently she thinks she just shot a Cerinian, and I guess that's why she reacted that way. And if what the image of her father says is true, that really was a Cerinian she shot.

Looks like you made up with the description of the shadow creatures down here, that's for sure. I think I would transplant some of that to the ending parts of Chapter 7. Would really sell that scene a lot better for me.

I wonder if the Cerinians are still alive like that, and if they are can they be cured of whatever afflicted them? Because I'm not sure how they can be saved if there's no way to change them back into their old selves. Hmm...I wonder what purpose it serves Andross to do this to the Cerinians though. Was he testing a biological weapon on them before he released it on Lylat? Or is it like the result of an experiment to try to tap into their telepathic powers for his own purposes? Because he seemed really interested in that.

Also, if that's not really her father, is that like the spirit or god of Cerinia or something talking to her? Or the collective memories of all the Cerinians who've been linked to the planet?

Anyway this was a well done chapter, even if it was telegraphed by Andross appearing earlier on. This is the most intrigued I've been by the story in a few chapters. Like I said, I'm a lot more interested in finding out what happened on Cerinia versus the drama bits between Fox and Krystal.

I'm going to review the flashbacks in one big chunk, separate from the present day stuff.

There's lots of 'she' sentences in this first flashback. You might want to revise some so the sentence structure isn't so repetitive. Anyway it's cute how she snuck out, she got caught, and her father said he was okay with showing her the city at night. Although I'm not sure why you're hiding Krystal's identity in the first flashback since it's pretty obvious it was going to be her.

Hmm...so if you cut your hand and you add your blood to that pool, you become bonded with Cerinia, and it looks like that means you become in touch with all those other Cerinians. I'm wondering if that's just for royalty or if everyone does it, and who the other people in the pool are. Are they like all of Cerinia or just her family? And I'm guessing that lets you see past memories of people who also did this, since Krystal seemed to recall a memory of her father's?

So, third flashback...when she's nine now. I wonder how the Cerinians get their tattoos, considering they're on fur and not on skin. I've heard some people speculate you could probably get them with freeze bands, which remove color from hair/fur and change it to white. Anyway, she probably wouldn't have gotten her tattoos the same way we would have, because of all this. Nice touch about how Krystal's showing her taste for adventure already, with the closing comments on how she's thinking about slipping out of the palace to experience new things.

Fourth flashback...oooooh, I think I'm starting to see why Krystal took it so hard when Fox said she had to stop fighting. This scene's an earlier predictor of that.

Is it just me, or does Krystal have a really bad habit of not talking things over with people when she really should? Like she didn't talk things over with Fox when he took her off the team. She just kinda gave in when her father told her she couldn't fight anymore. She didn't tell her father about the ship falling out of the sky. I guess it is a good way to establish a consistent weakness for her though...

Ah yeah, and I guess this scene is also meant to tie into how Krystal seemed to recognize Andross when he appeared in SF Adventures to imprison her in that crystal. I thought that's where you were going with this once you mentioned the planet's disappearance had to be 'his' fault.

I think I would have left out that final flashback though. It's pretty obvious where this is going once Krystal mentioned a 'he' and we find out the 'he' is Andross.

Rest of the flashbacks though? Pretty good. I liked reading through them. That one flashback where Krystal's father refuses to let her train in combat anymore is very telling about her future behavior, and a great way to tie the past with the present.

Now for the present day stuff...

I'm still baffled Fox hasn't managed to put together the pieces yet that Kursed is Krystal. Seriously, I wish I could jump in the story and smack him upside the head for not seeing it :P The hints are going from small and fleeting to super obvious now.

Anyway, glad we've made it to Cerinia now. In truth, this is the part of the story I was waiting for. I thought when I started reading, we were going to be making it here much earlier than we dod.

I must admit I feel a little embarassed over my past reviews though. When I read this story's summary I didn't realize there was going to be this much focus on the whole Fox and Kursed plot. Instead the summary got me thinking most of the plot was wrapped up in the mystery behind what happened to Cerinia, and that's the part that's got me interested in reading. Then again maybe that's going to take center stage now that we've arrived on the planet? Yes? No?

Anyway, I'm wondering if the story's summary maybe should have been changed to better reflect what the reader will see inside, because I feel like I got the wrong impression. Still well written stuff though, I'm sure people got a kick out of this drama you're putting up.

Great story, do you plan to do anymore Artemis Fowl?

So Fox and Kursed have to talk while they fight, huh? Heh, sounds about right. Reading this makes me wonder if the first part of this chapter could have been a part of the last chapter although I bet that might have been absurdly long. Anyway I suppose it's amusing that Kursed just can't talk to him straight up and has to be so standoffish like this.

Me, personally, like I've said on the last chapter I kinda wish we could just get this part of the story overwith so Fox and Krystal could get back together already. I know it's coming. They're listed as a pairing in character tags, so this part of the story where they're still combative feels padded out to me. I guess if you were a fan of reading drama or something like that this part would be entertaining, but unfortunately it's not to my taste.

Maybe I've got such mixed feelings about this part in spite of the good writing quality because I didn't like how most of SF Command's plot was about whether or not Fox and Krystal got back together, and not the actual conflict threatening Lylat. This whole back and forth thing you've got going here unfortunately reminds me of that.

Great job with that wedding flashback though, plus the little dogfight where Kursed is forced to help out Fox. Haha, so you're saying that Falco and Katt were so busy screwing each other and I guess they turned off their alarms, thus they didn't noticed the dogfight coming huh? Actually in hindsight that's pretty amusing to me.

Fox sure is rusty though... I'm kinda surprised he let a no-name Venomian pilot get such a good shot on him, thus forcing Kursed to save him. But maybe it makes sense in the story's context given he's mostly been racing instead of dogfighting lately.

"A Week with Intrest"...shouldn't that chapter title be "A Week with Interest?"

I have mixed feelings about that encounter between Fox and Krystal towards the start of the chapter, where Fox waves it off as a dream.

On the one hand, I'd like to get this subplot overwith where Fox doesn't realize Kursed is Krystal. The 'dream' would've been a good place to end it.

Was the story written this way because that one SF Command ending said that Fox didn't recognize Krystal after she adopted her new Kursed persona? Anyway I think the whole 'Kursed' subplot introduced by that game was a bit silly and never really liked it. If I recall correctly, 'Kursed' was added to SF Command's English translation and wasn't even in the Japanese version at all.

But on the other hand...I'm sure there are some people who'd be disappointed if this little drama between Krystal and Fox was over that fast. And I have to admit the sparring scene between them was very well done, especially with the first round where Fox sticks by rules for sparring, then they cut back more on the rules for round two so it's more of a proper fight. The rest of the interaction here is fun too, where they say they'll fight again later. And it was also fun to have Krystal realize Fox hasn't moved on from her and he cannot forget about her, and both of them start waking up to their rekindling feelings for each other.

If Fox had realized she was Krystal in that 'dream', we wouldn't have had any of this stuff happening.

Like I say though, I have really mixed feelings about this part of the story, mostly because I honestly can't take the name 'Kursed' seriously. Elarix's story Lylat Lagoon totally ruined that name for me :P I might have a dark interpretation of Krystal in Hazardous Contents, but I'm staying far away from that name.

Cpt. Fox betaread this chapter for you? Hmm...didn't he do a story a while back where he had Fox trying to kidnap Krystal away from Panther, and Fox was basically turning into a psycho in the process? Because if so, this chapter reminds me a lot of that. I can see his influence here, that's for sure. It is very well written and a very nice progression as we see Fox go from drinking to planning to commit suicide, I'll say that. Granted, dark scenes like this aren't really to my taste, but I can still appreciate the writing talent needed to make this.

The scene that followed afterwards though (where Fox and Falco are going through the logistics of getting the Great Fox back up and running) was too long and kinda boring to read though. I felt like a lot of it covered stuff that was either unimportant or repeated (like Fox and Peppy discussing what to do with Krystal, then Fox discussing it *again* with Krystal herself), so a big chunk could have been cut out without the reader missing anything important. The encounter between Fox and Krystal was good though.

Oh, it's Katt who's the fourth pilot. Durr. Shoulda known that from reading the character's list :P I don't know why that didn't click for me. I don't know, maybe I thought it was someone who was mostly defined by their connection to Fox rather than Falco.

I do hope Krystal lightens up after a while. TBH her attitude's starting to grate on me. Probably the reason why I dislike the Kursed alter ego she develops in one of Command's endings and I don't like referring to her as Kursed.

Least Falco and Katt are there and they make the scenes more fun though, especially with how they interact with each other and talk crap about Krystal.

Oh man though, this chapter does need some proofreading. This is why I do my best to stick to the rule of 'write drunk, edit sober', and don't proofread if its late at night or early in the morning. Proofreading just doesn't work that well if you're not awake and alert, you know.

All caught up! I'm glad I got a running start into chapter 19, or I would've been completely lost. I admit I've forgotten most of the details about Act 2.

14

I think the transition from Fox and Krystal's intimate scene to the ferret getting tortured was a bit too jarring - it felt like mood whiplash. However, it was still a great tease for Act 2.

I recently suggested you consider making Dead Past its own story, but now that I've caught up and know it'll only be about half as long as Dead Planet, I think the choice you went with is best. Act 2 also seems so heavily tied to what goes down in Act 1 that it wouldn't stand alone.

18

Igan says he's found a planet they can hide at - sounds like it's Cerinia? It's on the edge of the system and mostly uninhabited, so it's a possibility. If so, Marcus might come in handy; he wanted Krystal to come back and visit him. Maybe the planet might even magnify her powers so they can all escape. Watch when, in chapter 20, it turns out they're landing on a different planet and my theory gets completely disproven :P

19

I like that Kursed points out how scared Solemn is about getting betrayed, even when he seems to have the upper hand. This whole sequence was riveting and intense, even if we all know Krystal escapes 'cause it's just a flashback.

Neat how Igan tries to relate Kursed's betrayal of him and Solemn to Fox's betrayal of her. I like parallels like this.

The scene between Star Fox and Wolf's teammates was hilarious! However, Krystal's powers don't seem well defined. Like she can completely mind control people if they have weak wills and look her in the eye - but if she can't look them in the eye, she can still influence their emotions, even through walls?

The twist at the end was really good! The Architect is certainly earning his name.