Yes? More?

I laughed at the beginning dialogue, definitely could see that misunderstanding happening between the two of them. For the line ‘clap and cheer and wave..’ to simplify this text, you can just say clap, cheer, and wave. Also, that line is pretty long and disrupts the flow of the paragraph, so I suggest cutting it into two separate sentences. I felt bad for John when everyone else was so excited to arrive to Uffa, and yet part of him is still mourning from the loss of Sherlock. As some con-crit though, I think that section could use some internal thoughts or dialogue since there is a lot of narration going on. To make his sadness more effective, having him talk to someone briefly or show his thoughts with body language would heighten it.

‘increasingly agonized’- did you agonizing? I totally can see John not doing well with therapy and taking everything personal instead of trying to learn and grow from it. I do feel the ‘Over time…’ paragraph would benefit from breaking it up into two since it is a little long. ‘exposing raw skin underneath’ is a very apt expression to describe therapy and the mechanisms that drive it. I felt sad to read that John’s way of dealing with things is to simply shut down, which essentially is keeping him from moving on and healing.

I was, however, happy to see that John was treating his Uffa trip as almost a new start and being valuable for first impressions. I liked the juxtaposition with his cane too about the fact first impressions can often be wrong. Now I have to wonder if John will end up staying in Uffa just to have a chance at a new life.

I totally get John’s discomfort with knowing so much about a person he has never formally met, and you could almost consider detective work a form of stalking. There is a missing period after the word ‘case’ though. Also, when using quotations such as the word snooping, the period should go before the last quotation mark. I got a laugh out of your line about ‘ancient evils,’ and it really conveyed John’s feelings towards being put in that situation. That is really odd that Mycroft didn’t mention what the company did, especially given his track record for details.

Also, I noticed for the Morrison, Morrison, and Dodd the second comma is missing again- just something to be mindful of in the future. Also, for the line where you say ‘he thought happily,’ you are implying it is a thought but the quotation marks indicate it is speech- definitely recommend clarifying that. I definitely recommend for thoughts to either italicize them without the quotations so that it is more clear to the reader.

So Challenger showing up was interesting, and he seemed to have a quick fuse to suddenly get that angry and decide to attack someone. Nice to see though he had John’s best intentions by not letting the young woman get away with stealing his briefcase. And yet, this makes you wonder if Challenger would turn on John if the circumstances were right. I loved the fact that Challenger soon became gentle and worried when we went to see if John was all right.

Thought you also did a good job at the end of showing John’s paranoia and trauma over Sherlock’s death and inability to stay calm when tense situations arise. ‘Never would have lived down the irony!’ ha!

‘…like a glimmering red and white jewel which bled into the indigo sea,’ I loved this! You have such beautiful description, and the first couple of paragraphs were very enjoyable to read. Not sure the ‘salt and wood’ is truly necessary, for having the wind whipping against his hair gets the point across as well. I’d also argue that sunlight doesn’t twinkle by nature, but I get the sentiment you were going for.

For a professor, George is quite athletic and built- you don’t normally see that in academia. In your line “I’ve come In search,” there is a capitalization where it shouldn’t be. Also, ‘the buildings’ is missing a space. I really got the impression John was intimidated by Challenger, and you did a good job of making Challenger’s character come off as brusque and definitely got a sense of hostility from him. However, he seems to have another layer to him given he figured out John was there for the rat.

For the line ‘..proud boastful,” I would suggest removing one since they essentially mean the same thing, and comma is missing after the second Morrison. I really liked the insight that Challenger is the opposite of Sherlock and that is what drove John to finding a liking towards him. But you also touched on the fact he has characteristics similar to Sherlock, which is another reason he probably is willing to befriend him

Something I noticed about your writing is that you are a descriptive writer like me, and one thing that can be a drawback is unintentionally using adjectives too much. Your imagery in the chapters so far is great, but sometimes simplicity is better. For example, ‘jarring wail’ is fine just as wail since jarring is implied by a wail, and ‘which would feel like concrete’ is also implied by with a thud. I can relate to John’s concerns about the ship plunkering because of bad waves- never been a fan of rough weather on a boat. The line ‘He momentarily….the blue water’ I actually suggest making two sentences out of it to increase the flow- sometimes run-on sentences can have the opposite effect of what we intended.

For the line ‘….uncurled a bit further,’ I’d replace the comma with a period since its not a dialogue tag. Same as last time, the periods in quotations before a dialog tag should be commas instead. I liked the line ‘There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole,’ certainly John always has a sense of humor about him despite the troubles life hands his way. The flashback about his time in Afghanistan was sad, but I’d consider changing one of the ‘blinking’ since its repetitive a bit. The line his ‘lot was to suffer alone’ really sums up the way John handles conflict. He never wants anyone to help him, yet there is a part of him that recognizes the suffering in doing so and desiring support.

I actually think though to make the dream sequence more effective, to cut down on the times you tell the reader it’s a dream, since they can glean that from the beginning transition you provided. For example, ‘in the dream’ isn’t really needed since the reader knows it’s a dream. Another suggestion would be to have John wake up and then realize its only a dreams- heightens the tension of the situation. I liked the fact you made the dream in a present tense form, which added to the surrealism of the situation. The fact the ‘Tom’ character always dies was a great way to show that John is never able to save everyone, and further drives his guilt in knowing how the dream is going to end.

Mycroft seems to be a trigger for all of the bad things that have happened to John, reminding him of the pain and sorrow he has endured. Despite the nagging voices he has in his head, there is still something within him wanting to fight, and I actually think that is why he took this case to give him a way to let go of the past.

Hey there, your story is in the RLT archives and looked really interesting so I figured I would check it out since your story is also very close to graduating from our archive. The opening lines had great imagery, very vivid detail. The sentence with “Its much easier to stand the waves on deck.” Should have ‘ ‘ around the words or italics since its technically a thought, and also with the dialogue tag there should a comma before the last quotation mark. Right away I could tell John was having a sense of regret during his vacation, which was a nice nod to the supposed Sherlock ‘death.’ I noticed this also for several other dialogue tags, so just something to be aware of.

I did notice a little repetition throughout the text, such as ‘he needed’ in two consecutive lines- just something to look out for in the future. The imagery is also nice when he is watching the sea with the sun’s glare in the way, but the ‘against the sparkling waters’ bit probably isn’t needed since you’ve done a good job of describing the blinding nature of the sun already. I enjoyed reading the part about Mycroft, because you did a good job of conveying the anger and guilt John feels about the situation, and especially the fact he probably will never forgive or trust Mycroft again.

‘…she had said to wash her hands of his failure to cope’ ouch- sounds like John needs a good therapist. Good old chip and pin machine too, can always count on trouble with those things. I loved how manipulative and determined Mycroft was to get John into the car- that was nicely done. ‘Time does not heal all wounds, but in time you can bear all pain,’ I really liked this quote and it really does a nice job of summarizing John’s mental state. The conversation between Mycroft and John was well done and Mycroft really knew how to push John’s buttons. Checking his finances showed how desperate and ruthless Mycroft was to get John’s help.

‘Work is the best antidote for sorrow’- ha! That is such a Mycroft thing to do. Looking forward to reading the rest of this!

Hi! Fandom blind, but I'll do my best in reviewing. :)

Firstly... Marvelous descriptions! Inhaling salt air, feeling cool spray mist across his hot face (there's a nice contrast to make the 'feel' more palpable), warming caresses of the sun, horizon swaying rhythmically to the rocking of the boat; they make me feel as if I am really on a boat and looking at the horizon. Fantastic. There are still a lot more (such as the glare of the sun against the sparkling waters), but I think I'll clutter up my review if I mention them all. ;) Superb work in the descriptions!

I can sympathize with John here. I feel sorry that he has gone through so much, to the point he needs a therapist (and it's not cheap, while his job is just so-so). Unfortunately, even after the therapist has told him to let go of something painful, he just can't let go of what Mycroft has done.

Mycroft is not a very nice person I see, but I'm interested to know why he uses John to find the Giant Rat of Sumatra. Is he doing it for John's sake (to help his financial issues) or he has another plan? Also, he doesn't seem to be that bad, as shown by how he 'abducts' John: by asking him three times. Mycroft's unknown motive grabs my attention. And what is the Giant Rat of Sumatra? That's still a mystery, and it's such a hook! :)

Some pointers:
- There are punctuation errors in dialogue tags, which you may want to correct to make the narrative read well and flow better. If a dialogue tag indicates a character is speaking, the preceding speech ends with a comma. For example, ["Nothing," John snapped.]
- There are missing commas that turn some sentences into run-on sentences, and some sentences are very long. This can actually be easily solved by rereading the work and try to find what does not sound/read right. Run-on and stringy sentences usually do not click in a single read. Simply add commas and/or break them into some shorter sentences if you come across any. They sure will help the story flow! :)
- I was first confused, but I believe the scene between John and Mycroft is actually a flashback. You may want to use a line break before the flashback and italicize the whole flashback to make it clearer.
- This may be personal preference in style, but emphasizing a word with italic usually works better. For example, in this ["Sit -down-, John,"] I personally think it looks better if you italicize the 'down' (but in case you italicize everything because it's a flashback, bold format works too). Also, thoughts are usually italicized.

Hope this helps! :)

Really love this beautiful opening with your wonderful descriptions of the sunrise. I can understand why John would feel so calm - I would, too. The contrast of the sunrise of a new day versus the other side where the sun is setting is a great foreshadowing, I think, as to John's moving on and beginning anew without Sherlock by his side.

Um, excuse me to this dude that just appears and starts accusing John of lying. I'm extremely suspicious of this guy. What in the world could he be there for and why is he so fixated on John and why he's there? I kind of had to chuckle at how fast he turned around from "what the balls are you doing here" to "ohey, food!". You've got some small errors with dialogue, but honestly, what you wrote was so gripping, I'm quite okay with looking over it. In my opinion, you've done a great job with giving each character that you've written about a voice that is distinct from each other, especially with John. His nature that is a staple of the show is very apparent here :)

Well, this Challenger character is certainly...um, dare I say, similar to a certain someone I know, yes. In fact, if it wasn't for how the narrative stresses about his physical qualities, I would be looking to point fingers and make assumptions, but you know what they say about people like that, eh? At any rate, this was a bit slow of a chapter, but I see it as more of a bridge to what's going to happen next than anything else. Thank you for writing!

I do think that you're relying a little bit too much on adverbs in this opening section [horrible screeching, jarring wail, slouched comfortably] but it doesn't turn me off from the mood of suspense. They're finally there! Yay!

What a clever way to both hint to John's possible adherence to falling and his current seasickness. You never specifically say what he's dealing with in this instance, but I love how just reading it is sickening-inducing within itself, it's a great example of showing...if that makes sense :)

[...surprise there.] I think this should be a comma here, but I'm not sure. Same with [...keep this up] a little bit later on.

Oh, wow, how my heart goes out to John suffering from a coming panic attack. And the dreams of falling tormenting him aren't cool, man. Not cool at all. And the dreams of Tom, too and the overall end each and every time :( sad panda.

[Ha-ha] I've never seen [haha] written this way, this is certainly unique.

[I never believed in God before this place] a little aside, but I like this statement here. It's something that a lot of people can identify with - not believing in a higher power until something happens that causes them to question it.

My dear John *grabs for a hug* even though nothing huge happened in this chapter, it was a good lead into the next chapter. Totally interested in seeing what happens next!

Hi there! I've heard great things about this story and I'm very excited to be getting to read it today! For reference, I'm canon-savvy so yaaay me!

Oh John on the open sea! I love the visual language here with [salt air], [spray mist] and [warming caress] that immediately puts me right there with him. A part of me is now sad that I live nowhere near a beach. Oh well. Moving on!

The thoughts being in quotations kind of threw me off, but that's more of a stylistic preference on my end than anything else :)

The description of John's room as being [his sanctuary and his jail] is a very thought-provoking one. John strikes me as someone that would easily shut himself away given the chance and here, I could understand how he could treat his room as his prison.

Absolutely adore the description of the clouds looking like popcorn. You've got a great handle on the visual language department, I must say. Great job with that so far :)

Oh, what a nice aside that briefly addresses John's grief with Sherlock. You know, if I was him, I would be pissed at Mycroft too despite the part I played in executing things. I feel an extra twinge of sadness with the tear that rolled down his cheek. My poor John.

LOL at this being the fifth/sixth time John was abducted by Mycroft!Goodness gracious, the lengths that Mycroft will go to in order to continue this ridiculous dance of seeing people. Can I just tell you how much I loved the 'act of defiance' with John saying no? That's right, John, you tell them!

[Sit-down-John] UH OH...

So John has been recruited for a mission via Mycroft's insistance. Well, this sounds like barrels of fun :) I have a feeling that Mycroft chose John due to the fact that he needed something to distract him from grieving. Hopefully this will do the trick!

Onto the next chapter!

Please, please, please, PLEASE continue this story. I am not the only person who seriously loves it and craves more. Please. Please? *Puppy dog eyes*

The last chapter :( are you planning on continuing?

Anyway, onto the review. First up, I'd like to point out that "...boat, less he get shifted..." Should be "... boat, lest he get shifted..."

I feel that this chapter was a tad long and rambling. Everything you said and talked about was valid and interesting but just went on for too long. And still, you have the grammar mistakes, making some strange sentences that are a bit hard to understand.

Characterization is good, I still love Challenger! I also like that Watson is better able to move on, away from everything. Away from his country and the people and even his therapist. It was a nice touch and good character development. All in all, good work!

-Starluff

I have a feeling MATILDA BRIGGS is referencing something; especially since I only recently found out who Challenger is. I had originally thought he was an OC! Silly me.
Question: who are these "ancient evils" that John was sacrificed to?
I simply love your writing! It's so expressive and poetic, displaying John's emotions and really capturing the view around him. A true pleasure to read.
Challenger's still buckets of fun. Good heavens, you like torturing poor John, don't you? You really know how to describe John's intense 'episodes'. Say, what's the scientific word for them?
On one last note, I have to appreciate that you used irony correctly. Well done!

Pfft, I love how John goes from describing the beautiful sunset to wondering if breakfast is ready.
I don't quite understand how John fell for the trick Challenger set up to see if he was lying. I suppose John could just be a bad lier but come on, he agreed to all three suggestions! That seems a bit silly to me.
"It had been a fascinating and informative chat," so you say, but wasn't John bored to tears and mainly didn't complain because he wanted to make up for the lies?
Deduce? O.O what could it mean?
I love Challenger! I love how darned big and boisterous he is, especially paired when with John. I very much look forward to seeing where all this is going!

I like how the events that John's going through tie into his life, like how he leaves his and goes out into the world, how he runs back when he starts having an episode, then needs to leave. The symbolism really shows, even to someone like myself, who doesn't really know that much about it. And the way Sherlock makes his way into the dream is cool. That whole dream scene was very intense and and showed me perfectly the pain that John is going through right now. Really well written.