I'm glad you specified that Peony's nightgown was stylish! "Loose" and "cotton" might otherwise implies she sleeps in something sensible and comfortable, and that's about as shocking as the idea of her not (gulp) having a boyfriend.

I love that she views the lack of attention from a guy who was never really her boyfriend in the first place as omgz a tragedy. It wouldn't be so funny if it weren't true of kids her age.

Peony's lack of self-awareness is hilarious, too. She just has no idea WHY her essay on her wand made everyone laugh... and it's completely in keeping with Peony's personality that she'd design her underwear to match her pet finches.

Is she... she's... stripping for Ariana? That is so wrong... yet so hilarious. She is never going to live that down. Ever. They'll be talking about that at Hogwarts for four hundred years... and I'm sure it hasn't occurred to her that her stripping made someone laugh.

"It has been a long time..." I'm just going to assume I do NOT have a filthy mind, and the double entendre was intentional. :p I do like the matter-of-factness that mouths taste like mouths. (It reminds me of Shakespeare's sonnets mentioning the "sweet" breath of his mistress... really? In a time period where people didn't practice halfway-decent oral hygiene?)

Poor Terrence. I hope this fic ends well for him... and I still love the fact that Peony's stepmother is not evil, even if Peony is desperate for her to be so.

"Dumped out the proverbial window..." How romantic :p

"She tilted wrong..." I sense she is in for a very traumatic first kiss :p

"Whipped it out" *snorts coffee up nose*

Of course, Peony's self-interest goes into hyperdrive... Roder-who? Great chapter.

I'm sorry this took so long!

I was a little disoriented at the beginning of this chapter, especially since the lamb's voice is disembodied for three lines and I had no idea who was speaking... but Peony thinking folding three whole sets of underwear counts as some kind of manual labour is hilarious, as is the specification that "Lambie's" mouth isn't actually moving, and that her stepmother is loving but cold and distant at the same time.

I'm with Peony on this, however. She is speshul and Pansy is omgz such a witch-with-a-b, Peony and Draco are my OTP ;)

Love that you lampshade the usual Mary Sue dramatic past, where a ridiculous amount of people have either died or abandoned her in some way. No wonder Roderick is staying far, faaaaaaaaar away...

I absolutely shrieked with laughter at the image of poor Lambie plummeting to its "morally ambiguous death"! Seriously, I feel like half of my reviews of this story are "LOL!1!" but that's because I'm genuinely laughing over here!

The latter half of this chapter is just brilliant. The shameless dark-side parallel of Dumbledore's Army that suethors often revery to because they can't think imaginatively. Peony immediately being not only the one to name it, but the one everyone rushes to because omgz she is the best witch there! And then...

Roderick comes tromphing in.

Oh, dear, that was hilarious and not pretty. No sugar quills?! I get such a great sense of outrage from Peony, like she can't even comprehend the idea that Roderick might not be madly in love with her. The description of her "psychotic series of iambic pentameter" made me cringe, but in a good way - oh, you could NOT pay me to be an overimaginative and sensitive teenager again. Loved the realistic "leading me on" reasoning of Roderick in sharp contrast to Peony's adherence to "chivalry."

He and Rhonda are getting married? They're in high school, lol!

[And sad. And despairing.] Even your punctuation here mimics the melodrama of a desperate, self-involved teen, and I loved it.

At least the poor dear got her tea cakes (I now want tea cake, thank you!) Can't wait to hear what Aberforth wants her to do...

GREAT chapter xx

The fact that nobody's reviewed this since I did, a month ago, is criminal.

"phonetic foes..." I love how ridiculously melodramatic everything that Peony says or does is. I have this ridiculous grin on my face, seriously.

The portrayal of pretty much the entire house of Slytherin as examples of the missing link... loved it.

"Because you're missing a toe..." It's okay, Peony, I thought that was such a great insult I'm going to steal it to confuse the hell out of someone one day. :p That she devolves into "never mind" muttering just put the icing on the cake. And of course, she's a massive drama queen who "sobs at the mere mention of pears."

On a serious note, there's something here I think you've capture even better than Rowling herself did - these are kids, and they spend a lot of their time battling raging hormones and slacking off class/goofing off.

[didn't look like the sort of bloke...] This is excellent parody, pixi. The best parodies, I find, are completely straightfaced, and a lot of HP fic writers may not even realise how funny this actually is. And poor Draco just wants to eat his breakfast in peace, while Peony's craving for tea cakes is so important it warrants its own line.

"Glowing green letters" - meant to say, an alarm clock readout?

I would like to politely request an entire Terrence series, because I genuinely love him. Terrence, solving all the crimes. Very slowly. And with a great lack of competence. :D

[loathe to vacate] I could be wrong, but in this context, I think it's "loath"?

Of course, our Terrence has nothing better to do with his time than bake cookies for/with a schoolgirl. That "diamond fall" line had me in absolute stitches.

[Scourgified] Is this a canon reference?

"because she was crying..." Like I said in your last chapter, I completely love that you've highlighted the shocking lack of regard even canonical, sympathetic characters have for house elves, much less self-involved Mary Sues.

"Giant blood-sucking gnat..." I should know better than to drink things while reading this. :D

Ah, a clue! *Ponders*

And of course, teachers just love students who aren't very good at what they teach, because of their bloodlines :) And the "form-fitting" robes (the mind boggles to imagine it) continue to really make me laugh. So many fic writers just do not cope well with the idea of dress robes :D

YOU GO, PEONY. STEAL YOUR BITCH SISTER'S BOYFRIEND. HELL YEAH! :D

This is so great. Really. :D

This chapter was the best laugh I've had in ages :D

You have a perfect tone with parody; you don't overdo it, and the fact that you write so guilelessly (without the "funny, huh? huh?" that inexperienced writers do) makes it all the better. Just little things like "Junior Lead Detective in Training", forgetting timelines, and Dumbledore's apparent concern for Squiggles being only that it will play havoc with Hagrid's blood sugar. "And also, there are students here" had me rolling.

"Made a friend with it" - ohh ouch. I really like this because, like all good fanfic parodies, it addresses a glaring issue in not only other fanfics, but canon itself. It doesn't sit right with me that even "good" witches and wizards think "yeah but they like it" is a good reason to keep slaves who are clearly human-like and can communicate and reason. And that the only person who is really bothered about it, Hermione, is made a laughing-stock and her attempts to stamp out slavery are treated as a joke.

Rant over :p

"Go out and detect her." I just snorted diet coke up my nose.

"inItaly" "lowerRome" I don't know if the site has eaten your spaces or if these were meant to be mooshed together.

Eww Terrence. It's uncool when it's an actual schoolgirl, yuck.

"Wrong end of a broom" - lol!

I love the subtlety of Peony's gratuitous infodump, and the observation that her father was an "honorable man" - for finally marrying his mistress and the mother of his child. Yep. Sounds like a winner :p

Holy crap, those "Muggle-born heirarchy" privileges are like Jim Crow laws.

"He didn't seem to mind." Awww, Neville. A short but sweet cameo.

Draco's ridiculously detailed observation of her eye colour was great, but Goyle's "sixth toe", and the subtle observation of wizarding inbreeding, was the icing on the cake.

[an addendum she wasn't aware of?] LOL! Peony's priorities are hilarious.

Peony's conviction that the world revolves around her and how "abandoned" she felt had me laughing, too. She's gloriously obnoxious, but not too overdone about it. And the gratuitous pairing with Malfoy is a nice nod to the 298454 fanfics that use this trope, too. I'm awaiting the bit where they have to share a room :p

Ginny's gratuitous mad eup title and labeling was funny enough, but that "FTW" stuff made me laugh out loud. I am forever going to convert it to "ouch" in my head now. Thanks a lot :D XX

So ends the tale of your alliterative OC with OCD. I did come to like her as she realized that sincerity was better than perfection.
This was such a messed-up Draco- trying to use Peony to kill Voldemort since he wasn't able to do it himself- then trying to get her to kill herself when he decided she was no good to him- then proposing to her.
It's a good thing she'd discovered good kisses in the meantime or she might have been a little weaker to his attentions.
I loved the line when he rescued her that she now understood what it felt like to want to kiss someone, but she had her priorities: first a beauty nap then battle.
I like that Slytherin's stiletto came to her almost the same way as Godric's sword came to Harry and that she was amble to use the wand to convert boggarts into puppies with which she could cuddle while everyone (also) fought valiantly.
It's impressive that she can make her own tea cakes and cookies now and that she's been able to turn that into a lucrative career. One would assume her mother and Squiggles would be proud.
I don't know if I could do parody, but I've certainly enjoyed reading and reviewing it.

[ She'd eaten a sugar quill all by herself and she'd liked it]- I love this line. It was Peony's declaration of independence. She didn't need to wait for a boy to give her one. She could find and enjoy something sticky and sweet herself, thank you.
Of course the repetition of the sugar quills has become a little tiring, but that's the nature of parody. We're spending time in the flighty girl's obsessed little mind and until she gets over it and moves on to something else, sugar quills hold a lot of significance for her. It's nice that she tries to keep her Slytherin girlfriend from developing the same kind of fascination.
It's curious that even though Peony recognizes Voldemort as evil, she's still planning birthday presents for his most loyal follower. I like the little wink inherent in Blaise's knowing that she's allergic to latex.
Wow, Pansy and her mother are really horrible. This has suddenly become much darker, with all of the Slytherins showing their true, bloodthirsty colors. Even Draco, who had seemed in canon like a reluctant assassin, wants to use her curse to his benefit.
I'm curious why the Carrows care about Peony's guilt or innocence.
Only one chapter to go. Will it provide all of the answers or will I have to become one of those whiny "update soon" persons?

It makes perfect sense that Peony's yoga instructor would make lace. It is kind of Zen, isn't it? And it's a valuable skill for Peony to have to decorate her hand-embroidered underthings. They are a little busy though, with hand-made lace and little bells. No wonder she's been eager to shore them off to someone. If it hadn't been for the opportunity to model for Ariana, Draco might have seen then himself, at least until he showed her his tat.
I love her musings about who she might consider for her first kiss. Interesting though that the ones she named were all Slytherin.
I love her logic for rejecting Knott because of the possibility of a "bad bean".
It's good to see that even someone as shallow as Peony can reach the conclusion that Voldemort is evil. Her in Dumbledore's Army should be interesting. She can write a rule book for the members our possibly be put in charge of the DA ball.

I was smiling from the first sentence of this, but first laughed aloud at "caviar-encrusted bacon"! It's funny on a basic level but also shows your keen understanding of Suethors who write things they imagine are beautiful/posh/exotic and which are really just kind of disgusting.

The appropriately Sueish name, complete with gratuitous apostrophe that doesn't appear to have any linguistic purpose, is priceless stuff. Very good description, with the snark about Pansy being allergic to silk, too!

The highly specific "rules of Slytherin", ha! I'm a little confused about whether Pansy or Peony is the elder (they seem to be the same age), though I suspect that's intentional. :-) Squiggles irritates me, but all house elves do. I do like how Peony's blatant exploitation of the house elves is portrayed as fine because she's so special...

"Astoriaand" "toastoriawhile" the site ate your spaces in quite a few parts toward the end of the chapter...

And of course the strict boarding school allows Peony to have stripper-underwear. The interlude with Draco excusing himself had me rolling!

Squiggles murdered ? *Grabs popcorn*! This is great :-)

The humor seems to be getting a little broader now, not as arch. Poor Peony is just so disillusioned with everything. Are you going to make me like her in the end?
It might seem like a far-fetched comparison, but the way Roderick was talked about and knowing that he was either going to end up as a Death Eater or member of the Order, he reminded me of Rolf in The Sound of Music, finding his manhood in the fight, rather than in love.
And speaking of love, I laughed outright at the mentions of Peony's "matched silken underwear sets," like the one described for Draco, that she so carefully folded while talking to her enchanted stuffed lamb.
The title of her outfit for her clandestine outing was funny, but the thing that put it over the top was that she didn't have a finch to coordinate with it, so her beloved birds stayed in their cage.
[Ya follow the Dark Lord?" He eyed her suspiciously.
"No, I followed Draco down the hidden tunnel,]- That was funny but isn't she supposed to be a whole lot smarter than that?
Now that she can no longer focus on the great love that she'd imagined with Roderick, I wonder what new enterprise Aberforth has in mind for her.

Loving Peony's questioning, poor thing! I laughed at the finch attack and the officer sounding like Lambie. Madam Pomfrey asking all of those questions, and the idea of Peony being PREGNANT, made me laugh as well… I really liked the dialogue with Draco—his curtly saying that he had no use for her if she couldn't kill on purpose, his whole attitude, ruthlessly telling her she was probably off to Azkaban unless she helped him, trying to find a fitting promise the Dark Lord could have broken. "That seems to be personal enough for everyone else around here. Sheesh! What else do you need?"—That line was pretty fun too :D I loved the idea of people sucking up to Peony just to make sure she wouldn't kill them in her sleep!
Loved Terrence coming back like the knight in shining armour, and the fact that this moment coincided with Snape's departure from the school! Peony's dream was pretty nicely depicted and sad—and her dialogue with Terrence after he woke her was funny and quite adorable :) The whole ending of that part, with Peony adamantly insisting that her fighting was IMPORTANT, but she needed a nap before, was just lovely.
I DIED LAUGHING at Peony going off to fight and then realizing she no longer had a wand. Silly girl. The battle was very nicely described, intense and yet you kept your humorous tone, of course—I adored the alpaca Patronus. I swear that at first I really thought the zombies were Peony's victims, lol (well, because I'd forgotten the French word for bludgers too :D)—it was a pretty great idea to use Boggarts! The Stiletto wand absolutely KILLED me. And the conclusion with the puppies was greatness as well, lollll.
I loved the post-battle comment about the Malfoys and the fact that Peony was able to let go of the need to be perfect at long last, and could just move on with her life! The anniversary party was lovely, Peony's dress sounded very cool and I loved the way her career turned out :D Le Sanglier Tête indeed! ROFL. Draco losing his hair was hilarious, and I LOVED the way Peony turned him down by letting him know they'd only remind each other of their past all the time. Sensible Peony! Gosh! Go girl! And Terrence/Peony at the end was niceeeee :D
YOU FINISHED THIS. OH MY! Go you! :D

Oh, the dream—hadn't that part already been in the works back when I was looking over the fic for you? It sounds a bit familiar, or maybe it was something similar—anyway, the dream part was very enjoyable, fun and vividly depicted and mad. I laughed at silly, adorable Astoria, and Peony's dark mood. "Their candy wrapper den of iniquity", indeed! Also loved the way you described her low spirits as she woke up and how she terribly neglected her usual rituals :D
I really liked the way Peony came to suspect that her project wouldn't really make a big difference, and yet she forced herself to dismiss the pessimistic thought. INDEED, Bellatrix would really care for a balloon, no doubt. I enjoyed her frustration with Astoria, her reminiscing about eating a sugar quill all on her own, and how meaningful it felt to her. Such a symbol of independence—and her way of getting a handle of herself again, with triathlon and pepper-up, really made me laugh too.
I loved the way Peony eventually burst and told Astoria just what she was thinking, and the dialogue between the girls was really hilarious. At the same time, it was meaningful as it showed it was a bit silly to always try to be perfect—the others wouldn't hate or reject her if she had a low moment once in a while. Astoria being so fickle was hilarious as well, haha!
Bellatrix's allergy to latex just KILLED ME. The whole part with Blaise was properly hilarious (third time I use that term in five lines…). I loved the way you handled Terrence's arrival and the announcement of Roderick's death too, so sudden and such a shock for poor darling Peony.
I loved Peony's sudden deduction about Squiggles' death, and the way Terrence tried very hard to find somewhere she might have been the previous night before he had to take her to the Headmaster—so cute ;) I also LOVED Peony's thinking about recommending Terrence, and the duel with the wild Pansy. Snape was just delightful, I adore his cool, matter-of-fact attitude. And poor, poor Peony got arrested so fast, oh my ;)
Terrence's reluctance to believe Peony was guilty was nicely done, and Pansy sounded so madly excited and so hateful. Her cursing Draco and her description of Peony were hilarious lines. Your description of Carrow was just gold, and I loved the fact that his appearance came to prevent the lovely ending with the sweet, innocent girl being saved by her cookie-offering prince ;) Delightful!

We have a real clue to the mystery, not just more of Peony's irritating perfection. Why, indeed, was Squiggles using raspberry jam instead of peach marmalade for Peony's teacakes, or was she making teacakes for someone else? Hmmm. I didn't like it that Terrence gave Winky fire whiskey. If she gets drunk on butterbeer, what is real liquor going to do to her?
It's cute that he can't resist his attraction to Peony, but at least recognizes that she's not as together as she thinks she is.
It will be interesting to see what sort of seduction Draco has in mind. Is it really his fault that the boys were killed? I'm surprised that it was they, rather than Ginny, who was responsible for the grafitti, since that's one of the things that she did in canon.
I love the mention of Peoney's vigorous athletic training program. What does a triathlete witch do anyway?

I think you nailed Mary Sue perfectly. What an annoying character that is. But having said that, I find it hard to stay interested in a story with such a character even if it is well written.

LOL...this was a hilarious ending. Okay, let's start at the beginning.

I really loved the six hours of questioning. That was hilarious. And it's also funny...and a good point on peony's part...that she never even dreamt of Squiggles. The poor dear! And then the whole thing about Madame Pomfrey's questions...lol when Peony cried about kissing boys. Oh, dear, I hadn't anticipated Draco wanting her to kill someone on purpose. It's too bad he drugs her and that no one would believe her when she tried to tell them.

I really loved the dream about her mother...and her real name. It all makes sense now, but I love the fact nothing can be her fault because she's perfect. LOL...too funny! And I love that when she wakes up, she's more keen on helping Dumbledore's army rather than helping herself. That seems like a pretty selfless thing.

The battle was too funny. I really loved the business about the fact she's got Salazar Slytherin's wand and that it was able to help her, even though the furry balls transformed into scary sites. That was too funny as well.

Yay! I'm glad everything turned out and that Peony didn't mind not getting recognition. And I'm glad she didn't mind not being perfect anymore. Seems better that way.

LOL...I loved what happened to Draco...oh, and the fact Pansy needs to go to rehab was so funny! LOL...I'm glad Peony turned Draco down, though. I was a little worried for a minute, but I'm glad she finally got her first kiss...and her second. And I'm very glad about who she did end up with. Terrence was perfect.

A lovely end to a hilarious story. Yes, you were very successful in your task. Well done! I look forward to seeing what you come up with next. :)

It's cute that we have a Detective-in-Training then a Prefect-in-Training. I wonder if Luna was aware when Terrence was at the school and that's what gave her the idea for the cover for Ginny. Looney doesn't miss much and she probably noticed how drawn to Peony he seemed to have been.
That's very curious that she thought she saw Rodrick in the school, but why would he be there? I don't see anything sly or ironic in that yet, just something for genuine curiosity.
I love it that you're going to flesh out some of the defiance of Ginny and Neville, like his daring to ask about Alecto's blood status and Ginny's grafitti. You go, girl.
Snape just isn't cut out to be an administrator, huh? I wonder if we'll get an idea of what he might really have been up to that year, besides taking orders from Dumbledore's portrait. ["And also, there are students here," he added dismissively.]- They do tend to get in the way of the proper running of a school.
I love Malodora as the name for Pansy's ancestor. Peony is so good at sticking that knife in Pansy's ribs while others think she's just giving her a sisterly tickle.