Sweet, kinda fluffy in parts but so romantic. Loved this too much JamesxLily! 3

Schermionie's review part 2...

1. This kind: '"What is it?" She asked curiously...'

Here, the thing that's wrong is the capitalisation on 'She'. It should be a small letter, because although "What is it?" ends with a question mark, which usually /ends/ a sentence, it is actually in the /same/ sentence as 'She asked curiously'. It's a bit counter-intuitive, but that's how it works. And it works on the same principle as ending speech with a comma instead of a full stop, even when what has been said is a full sentence on its own.

Like here: '"Well obviously you've been growing up with the wrong Muggles," James said, failing in his attempt to dodge Lily's swipe.'

That's absolutely how you should do it.

So: '"What is it?" she asked curiously...'

''"Hey!" He yelled, when it turned into a full-blown punch, if a little playful.' becomes:

'"Hey!" he yelled, when it turned into a full-blown punch, if a little playful.'

'"Oh you want this?" He asked, holding up the blade of grass, to which she glared dubiously.' becomes:

'"Oh you want this?" he asked, holding up the blade of grass, to which she glared dubiously.'

'"Now... where's my kiss?" He asked.' - becomes:

'"Now... where's my kiss?" he asked.'

'"Want another?" She asked, clearly teasing but not yet giving in.' becomes:

'"Want another?" she asked, clearly teasing but not yet giving in.'

And that's that for that error. The reason I'm not saying anything about the following sentence relates to the next error: '"You're doing it wrong." James sighed, coming up behind her and folding his hands around hers.'

(I'm assuming) this is right because, whilst you sort of can sigh out a word or two, James actually sighed /after/ saying 'You're doing it wrong' (right?). Ergo, they don't have enough to do with each other to be in the same sentence.

2. 'James laughed light-heartedly, "No magic. It's a simple Muggle trick really."'

That comma after 'light-heartedly' needs to be a full stop, because as in the last example, his laughter and what he says do /not/ belong in the same sentence. When deciding this kind of thing, it all comes down to this question: can you _ a word? You can say a word, you can ask a word, you can yell a word, but you can't look doubtfully a word. So:

'Lily looked at him doubtfully, "Bullocks. I grew up with Muggles, I can't do... that."' should actually be:

'Lily looked at him doubtfully. "Bullocks. I grew up with Muggles, I can't do... that."'

Otherwise, you got this one right.

There is, however, one more speech error that just wasn't repeated: '"What is it?" She asked curiously, "What are you doing there with your hands there? What type of magic are you using?"'

That comma after 'curiously' should be a full stop. The reason is well demonstrated by this sentence: '"What," James replied, blowing on the blade once more, "this?"'

Without the break, James is actually saying 'What, this?', so both the 'What,' and 'this?' belong with 'James replied, blowing on the blade once more'.

'What is it?' and 'What are you doing there with your hands there?', however, are like this: 'What is it? What are you doing there with your hands there?' They aren't part of the same sentence at all. Ergo, a full stop, not a comma, is needed at the end of '"What is it?" she asked curiously'.

Enough on speech. I've a few more nitpicks, though, but not many more.

'"...I grew up with Muggles, I can't do... that."' - the comma there is incorrect. The best thing to do would be to have a semicolon instead of the comma.

'...it turned into a full-blown punch, if a little playful.' - this should be: '...it turned into a full-blown, if a little playful, punch.'

'"Come on Potter, give it."' - so, I don't know if you know this, but when we use a name ('Potter') or a substitute for one ('my kind sir') to address someone, the name is called a vocative and, usually, it should be set aside by commas - sometimes dashes, but mostly commas. (There are some reasons for this, but I won't bore you with them.) And sometimes, like if I think someone is saying it very quickly and punctuation would just... slow it down, I might ignore this rule and not have them. Here, I'd say you could do the same (because it's speech, the sound is important as well) but that's up to you. It's not good to do it too often, in any case: it seems sloppy.

To sum up, just for future reference: most vocatives should be set aside with punctuation, but if you have good reason, people shouldn't complain if you ignore that rule every once in a while.

'"Oh you want this?"' - this relates well to my above explanation of vocatives. 'Oh' is what's called an interjection (words and phrases that exclaim, protest and command) and interjections behave in the same way as vocatives. An example, using both ('yes' and 'Hermione'):

'"Actually, yes, I /did/ read 'Hogwarts: A History' last night, Hermione. And guess what? I found out that you were making it all up - yes, all of it!"'

Personally, I hear James saying 'Oh, you want this?' rather than 'Oh you want this?', but it's your story.

'...to which she glared dubiously.' - you glare 'at' things, not 'to' them.

'Instead of relenting however, she just bent down and grabbed her own blade of grass.' - you need a comma before 'however' as well as after it.

'In a very feebly attempt...' - 'feebly' should be 'feeble'.

'He...pressed his lips to her thumbs, pursing them and blowing out sharp tune.' - 'sharp tune' should be 'a sharp tune'.

'"Why thank you my kind sir."' - as I pointed out above, 'my kind sir' is a vocative. 'Why', meanwhile, is an interjection in this sentence. And 'thank you' can be, too, now that I look at it. Actually, you should probably write this like this:

"Why, thank you, my kind sir."

But that's up to you, naturally.

Finally on the nitpicks front, I've a note on 'before': strangely enough, 'before' isn't actually a conjunction that should have a comma before it. It's the same with 'because'. Most people ignore this if they know, but except to clear up confusion, it's not technically correct. I usually ignore it at my discretion as well, but sometimes it can just sound a bit leery when someone does. It's up to you whether you want to keep the comma in before the 'before's in these two sentences; I, personally, think you could get away with removing them as the sentences are both a manageable size.

'Lily marveled slightly, before swatting his face away so she could try it herself.'

'Lily stretched up on her toes and pressed her lips quickly to his, before escaping from his hold.'

Of course, it depends what you think.

Then one last thing: is 'marveled' the American English spelling, or should it be 'marvelled'? I know some of the differences between American and British English but I wasn't aware that this could be one...

And that's it for nitpicks. I know I rambled, but I'm pretty glad to have had an excuse to read this through so many times. The more I looked, the more lovely language use I came across. Tangling. Lounging. Lapping. Curl. Purse. Tuck. Hopping. I loved all of those!

The dialogue was fresh and amusing, the story easy-to-follow and the concept interesting and, to me at least, new. Thanks for the enjoyable read! I'm adding this to my favourites and alerting you. :)

How sweet! You know, I don't blame you for liking to write this pairing in spite of your Sev/Lily shipping. I find it extremely easy to dislike pure fluff, usually preferring more balanced stories, but this is exactly how I like to see James and Lily most - at peace. Happy. It might be sappy of me, but I really do like this moment you wrote for them. You managed to convey James's devotion to Lily without making me feel sick, so well done there. I'm not sure I can quite explain why, though. I would have found their behaviour embarrassing at best were I there with them; however, this was just really nice to read. Perhaps it's because they were both so in-character. I never had cause to doubt that they could act how you wrote them acting.

James was my favourite. I liked this sentence: 'James' heartbeat would quicken and his stomach would drop and he'd be left just wondering how she ever got to be so pretty, with a stupid grin on his face because she was still talking and he had forgotten to listen.' It was so... well, James, as I see him, to simply forget to listen to her because of such a thing. It's not something that only he would do of course, but I do think he loved Lily very much in the end - that this could happen. The stupid grin was a trait that Harry sort of displayed in the books as well; it's not at all unreasonable to think that he might have inherited it. (Poor Harry.)

I also liked this: 'But even just listening to her talk could do that to him, because her words had a certain magic to them, tangling around him in sweet strings.' The last part, 'tangling around him in sweet strings', is quite lovely.

The last sentence of this paragraph was also great: by highlighting Lily's quirks of speech - and in particular the ones James picked up on the most - you showed the reader beginning glimpses of their personalities without needing to explicitly state them in every instance. It was very effective, how you characterised James so well despite the fact that the story's perspective revolved almost entirely around Lily. The sort of... colloquial touches (e.g. 'Seeker reflexes, you know?' and 'She really was something, that Lily Evans.') added flavour to the narrative.

So, yes. The first paragraph was already wonderful. (I suppose CierraLuv97 did have a point about it - loving descriptions from the word 'Go' can be a little tiresome - however, I think you pulled it off.) It and the next set the scene well without going into distracting description tangents; I also liked this: 'Like spending time with the best beau in the world, of course. As she was now.' Even a more mature James would have to have that arrogance about him. The phrasing made me smile, too.

'He ran his hands through the grass and picked a couple of the flowers, ones he'd once made into a crown just for her.' Flower-themed romantic gestures: check.

It was absolutely what I would expect from James to ask Lily for a kiss the way he did; his rejection of the idea of bowing to Lily and calling her his queen at the end, meanwhile, was a /fab/ contrast. All in all, I think you nailed James's characterisation.

Lily's, too. We did see her in an idealised light, but you managed to neutralise the unrealisticness of this a little /without/... oh, how can I put this? There is this quote by someone called Julius Gordon that this story reminded me of: 'Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.' We saw Lily in a light that emphasised the good things about her, which was perfect as it was from James's point of view, but you did negate this somewhat by mentioning things like her possibly being afraid of heights and with all the indications that she had a rather considerable temper.

This is quite how I imagine her as well: 'They really ought to be doing homework, but James was happy that Lily could admit some things were more important than top marks.' Booksmart, yes, but not with that as her most defining trait. This too: 'She was one of those girls who liked to use big words whilst talking...' Although, the examples you gave didn't contain any big words, which was a bit weird.

'...she would huff that he was an annoying, pious toerag...' For some reason, I think 'pious' is something I can see her saying. Great word. (Does she use it in canon? It seems familiar.) And of course, 'toerag', too.

Her reaction to James's whistle-trick was very telling. There was something amusing about her surprise that he knew a Muggle trick she didn't, as well as her pleased reaction when she got it right. After reading this through several times, I've also gained an appreciation for the scene where Lily reaches for the grass rather than kiss James. She totally saw through him. xD

The idea of Lily reading Muggle fairy-tales like that is not something I have seen before. It was just a tad adorable how she let James sit there and watch her read so unabashedly. Her choice of literature did, however, surprise me, largely due to the inherent sexism in Muggle fairy-tales which I cannot see Lily enjoying, especially as a member of magical society where magic seems to even things out, at least to some extent. Still, in all likelihood she grew up reading them, and there's a lot to be said for nostalgia. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts behind having Lily read these particular stories. :)

Now: onto the nitpicks. I've... rambled a lot, actually, which wasn't my intention going in. This really is quite good - mostly you made errors with punctuation and then there were just a few typos which you must just have missed.

'She was one of those girls who liked to use big words whilst talking, so most of the time she sounded like she was reading out of a textbook- saying things like, "I love you too James," and "You big tease," and "Shut up."' - something a lot of people get wrong. There are actually only two ways to space dashes in this sentence:

'...she was reading out of a textbook - saying things like...'

/or/

'...she was reading out of a textbook-saying things like...'

With a small dash, which you use, it looks like you are hyphenating 'textbook' and 'saying', which is a bit ugly and hard to read, so I would always recommend the former. It's up to you, though.

The only time you can break this rule is if a word is cut off before it is complete. So, say in '"I love you too James"' Lily was interrupted by, I don't know, Sirius, before she could finish it, it'd be like this:

'"I love you too Jame-"

'"Oi, you two, can you keep the sappiness down? (blah blah etc)"'

If she'd completed 'James', it'd look like this:

'"I love you too James -"

'"Oi, you two, can you..."'

I hope that all makes sense, and I'm sorry if you already knew the latter rule. I wasn't sure, so I figured I'd just throw them both in.

'They were lounging by the lake, under the tree the Marauders often possessed in their own time.' - slight nitpick which might just be me: I'm not sure of your use of 'possessed'. I checked an online dictionary and it told me that 'to possess' as in 'to seize', which I think is how you mean it here?, is archaic usage. But I don't know. Do you often see this use? It just sounds weird to me. I mean, they don't own the tree, they just like that spot. You could always have 'sat under' or something like that instead? I could be the only one who finds it awkward, though, and it's your opinion which ultimately matters anyway.

'Peacefully they were enjoying each others silence...' - 'each others' needs to be 'each other's', possessive.

'And the old oak tree over yonder where Lily had finally- finally- accepted his date offer.' - see nitpick #1.

'She'd donned it the entire day, and then, rumor had it, she kept it on her bedpost.' - 'she kept' should be 'she'd kept'.

'The girl had fought up a storm at being above the lake- honestly you'd think she was afraid of heights or something.' - dash.

'Seeker reflexes, you know?' - I'll be honest and say that I didn't notice this until annaisadinosaur's review reminded me, but yes, James was actually a Chaser.

'Sometimes when James' pesterings had gotten too much to bear...' - 'pesterings' should simply be 'pestering'. You also need a comma after 'Sometimes'. It's a bit difficult to explain, especially since I'm not betaing this, just reviewing, but if you want to know why, I can at least point you to somewhere you can find out. :)

'...she would huff that he was an annoying, pious toerag and then lead him out to the gardens- where she'd sit...' - dash.

'She licked each finger before turning the page of, Sleeping Beauty, was it?' - I would suggest that you change that first comma to a dash, because I don't think a comma has enough strength here - not the strength a dash would have.

'She'd...full out laugh- a sound which brought joy to James' ears.' - dash. Also, shouldn't 'full out' be hyphenated?

'This had happened all through Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid,...' - the commas in this list are all in italics, but they aren't part of the book names and, thus, shouldn't be.

'Lily had once took to drawing him a picture, sitting in this very spot.' - typo here: 'took' should be 'taken'.

'Then she'd taken it inside, colored it, and presented it to him as a gift- maybe a peace offering, who knew.' - dash. Also, I think you might just need an 'or' in front of 'maybe'... unless you mean it in a different way to how I interpret it.

'"What was that?"' - the question mark and ending speech mark are in italics when only 'that' should be.

Ah... and from here on, there are two recurring errors in your speech, I'm afraid. They're not consistent - sometimes you get things right, sometimes you don't - so I'll go over them, and I'll just have to hope you can forgive me if I ramble on about stuff you already know. Same for everything else I've said. )

It'll mean they aren't quite gone over in order, but I'll group the sentences by error.

1. This kind: '"What is it?" She

This is absolutely amazing!

OOHHH yay... I love this. I love the way that James loves being with Lily, and the way that they spend time together is exactly like I imagined it!

Oh my... you deserve a big old cyber hug for writing this. And don't be ashamed to write JamesxLily, they're adorable and made for each other... but this... this is exactly how I think JK would've imagined them!

I cannot stand how absolutely delightful this is!

I loved it :-)

Xena

x

I read one of your stories. And another. And another. And I can't stop! They're so good! The way they're written makes me want to throw a zebra off a cliff. Please continue writing beautifully adorable stories. They make me very happy.

Aww, this is so sweet! I like this pairing, and I think you've done a good job capturing their relationship. It seems pretty effortless and romantic, at least how I picture it, and I think that's how you wrote it. This was pretty well-written, and although there were a few small grammar issues, like 'screeching whistling sound' which should have a comma between the first two words, they were really minor and didn't distract me from the story. I like your characterizations of James and Lily, and I think you kept them in-character. This was a sweet little piece of fluff, and you did a great job!

Awww, this is just adorable! I love JamesLily and, considering it doesn’t sound like you’re usually a fan of this pairing, you’ve done a great job. I think you’ve characterised them both very well, particularly James; he’s a good mixture of teasing and sweet. Their banter is incredibly cute and I loved all the little things about their relationship that you included like James teaching Lily how to skim stones. Spelling- and grammar-wise I noticed a couple of missing commas, but there wasn’t anything that detracted from my enjoyment of this fic. Fantastic job – I hope you’ve been convinced by the pairing enough to write some more for it in future!

Okay, so I'll be perfectly honest with you. The first thing I did when I got this story notification was laugh :D You wrote JamesLily!

And what an adorable James/Lily it is! I think you've really got James utterly perfect here – he's completely, absolutely head-over-heels for her. And it's adorable.

And then Lily, with the way she's almost /toying/ with him, but in a very playful sense of the word, rather than a cruel one.

Their playful banter at the end is absolutely adorable, as well. Now I really want to learn how to whistle with a blade of grass!

The idea of James teaching Lily a Muggle trick, too, is just so amazing.

Look how awesome you are at writing James/Lily! You should do so more often :D

(*_*)

Aw, this was honestly so, so adorable. I love how you captured the essence of these two.. I always imagined them as very playful, very comfortable with each other, and I love how you doted on the little things James notices and loves about her. You made them seem very fascinating and, yes, adorable!

Some of my favorite lines: "But even just listening to her talk could do that to him, because her words had a certain magic to them, tangling around him in sweet strings." and "'Well obviously you've been growing up with the wrong Muggles,'" and "Then she'd taken it inside, colored it, and presented it to him as a gift- maybe a peace offering, who knew." The last one was adorable because it reminded me of something very childlike, very innocent, and I think the entire story kind of has that childlike innocence to it, where Lily is reading fairy tales, when she draws and colors him a picture, when James wants to bow to her and call her his queen.. it's just a pure kind of infatuation between the two, that seems to have the potential to grow into something more mature and real. I like it. It's like the blossoming stage of their loveeeeee :)

hehe, good job, honestly. I loved it! Although, I do think James was a Chaser, though I did read somewhere where he could have *possibly* played Seeker as an alternate at some points, but he was mainly a Chaser. That's not a big deal at all though xD

Omigosh, this was just too sweet. Where to begin? Okay, first of all, I loved the mention of all the 'Muggle' fairy tales, because Im a total Disney movie freak and probably could recite those movies off by heart. Their little moment was sweet and lovely, and they were both were very in character. You did a good job at introducing their relationship. It was a perfect moment and I loved the grass (I LOVE doing that!)

My only comment is that when people start their romance stories with a description of main character's lover, well - it's sweet, but it works better not at the very beginning. I think it just makes people tired reading a glorified description of a person so early in the story. It might just be my personal opinion, though.

But a really, really lovely one-shot. Great job!

I loved the dynamics you showed of how playful and teasing Lily and James are. I can see this happening and it was very believable. I also liked how Lily believed that it wasn't a Muggle trick because she would know it. It shows her slight know-it-all attitude but in a nice way. James sounded completely and utterly in love with her without sounding overly sappy and overall, this was a great oneshot.

One thing though, in this sentence: "He bent his head across her shoulder and pressed his lips to her thumbs, pursing them and blowing out sharp tune." before the word sharp there needs to be an a. Otherwise everything was perfect. :)

nice ;)

Awh I think I've fallen in love with them too, this was very, very sweet :) I especially liked the description of Lily reading, that was lovely :) and I really liked her personality in this; I think some people write her too much like Hermione, but you didn't at all. Awesome writing! :D