wow -lol - you made corndogs hotttttttsizzle

Fun chapter - can't wait for more!

love this chapter - Finn was so adorable - Keep writing - i know you are not getting a ton of reviews -but all of a sudden - people will find you - really good story

I love Haymitch -Did i mention that I love Haymitch - Very nice -love he changes and creative curse words - Oh Annie is terrifiic too... just -ya know - Haymitch show us your wood -keeps making me laugh so hard I can't hardly type.

Ok seriously - the plot is taking off and the characters are developing - really come a long way -very impressed

I like getting to know Ember here -Lol my 24 year old African Grey parrot's name is Ember -hehehe.

I like that she has lost so much that she appreciates everything.

Whho hooo -got my pop up unlocker unblocked - so now i can review again!

Loved Gale wanting someone to stick around long enough to decide hes worth keeping!

This is Good. I just started so I don't really know what to say. I like this so far.

"Let's go out tonight. Maybe the Bistro you love so much and a little dancing or a walk in the park? How does that sound to you?" I suggested. Her eyes lit up and she squealed ecstatically! "Yes! That sounds perfect! All of it!" She was so easy to please and it made me feel guilty that I didn't think to do these little things for her more often. I'd have to change that.

Every time you have a new speaker -It is a new paragraph - no exceptions -

The Bistro was within walking distance of our flat so we opted not to take the shuttle. The night air was balmy with a soft breeze that carried the scent of Eden with it. We ordered the French Onion Soup, her favorite, followed by the Coq au Vin perfectly accented with a delicious Pinot Noir. For dessert, we shared a chocolate soufflé. Afterwards I pulled Annie out to the patio. It was a small, intimate dance floor complete with live musicians playing romantic music. Annie loved the atmosphere of the patio as much as the food. Soft twinkle lights were strung throughout the tree branches, mimicking the stars in the sky. Candles and flowers abounded in every nook and cranny.

This is the best paragraph - minus the first sentence - Now this chapter has way to much fluff -but your precise description is still shining -especially in this paragraph.

Your hottie scenes are really very delicious - now you do need to kind of adjust the word to the moment a bit... If it is hot mad boinking and humping then Dick is fine - but you had this sweet - loving fire going - and said Dick and fuck Yeah - no -it's Jarring -

That was a moment in which the words must be in cherished wonder of her - not rough and roudy - The best sex scenes have some theme - mad sex - dirty - hot - steamy - languid - sweet -If you don't keep your Theme in line with your vocabulary -it can have not hot results - There is actually an award for the worst sex description in a published book - it is usually given because - the wording went south in a big way and became funny - just be aware - there are more metaphores for penis - then dick and cock and throbbing meathood -be creative.

actually - great scenes with that one exception!

All I wanted to do was crawl away into some chasm and disappear.

This is good but it should be your lead. Now take all the hopeful fluffy and measure against this statement.

So-

I begin this week. There are so many beginings. My only option is new beginings because I have no past. My past, love, family, friends and home are nothing now but the mirage of my mind and the lost flickers are nothing but pain. All I wanted to do was crawl away into some chasm and disappear.

Maybe I have crawled away. I feel hope here and the new possibilities wash me in the grace of surity that maybe I crawled to some new life and not just away from all that was.

Tucker died in the capitol they say. They tried to be kind as they told me the fate of the man who I had planned to bring children and a warm home full of laughter into the world with. He and I had hoped, but it was all taken away just days before our dream might have been. If he had just survived a few more hours, we could have dreamed again. Forty eight hours don't seem so vast that they could take all the last glimmers of light from the world.

You are telling alot of events - but for us to connect - we must feel her pain -we must hope with her.

HOT! HOLY HOTNESS to be exact. Tall, well built, coal black hair and cool grey eyes, and ALL man. NO-this is to gushy teeny-bopper -she has lost her childhood sweetheart - no man will compare to that memory - Holy Hotness -would be her dead love.

When BeeTee introduced us right after the meeting, he just stared at me like he was missing a card or two from his deck. Glassy eyed, unfocused, blank. He was barely able to absorb the fact that BeeTee was talking to him and completely unable to put two words together to form a reply! (yesssssss - fantastic - this is what she would see in him) Now take that terrible impression and give it life - she wonders what has fiven him that look...is he stupid or have his own tortures been so great he lives in two worlds now -like she does -maybe he cant hide it as well -now she can describe his beautiful tortured face - stength - hard - lost - things that would impress her to reach out a little.

Assclown -ok you watch supernatural - lol - play with it - Bassclown -same sound and fishy...grin.

Gale wore a pull over shirt that skimmed over what appeared to be a nicely sculpted chest. I could easily imagine running my hands over it and down the very flat, rock hard abs that had to be there, too. His jeans rode low on his hips and fit snug around the curve of his ass when he walked. It was a really nice ass. Almost like an apple, makes you want to reach out and bite it.

Nice description - but Really? He was decribed as Zombie - but she wants to bite his apple? Right now she should be feeling a little sorry for him - and if IF he had any thing besides a cute ass -she might look at it - but girls don't lust unless they decide that he has something - Zombie is not going to make her look at his ass - the shoulders are good because girls want strong - you never hear his shoulders were narrow and slouchy, making his head look huge and his butt was pwetttty - so there needs to be the spark of recognition that he is not stupid - but hopeless - hopeless she can understand - hopeless will make her want to kiss his booboos and his apples - hopeless may spark lust... Girls who giggle and flirt and are clueless - look at looks - this girl is not that - she is a haunted, torn, damaged thing -and she will be attracted to things that may be able to understand her.

Ok that's it for now - hope this just clarifies your thought process a little and makes you write with purpose rather than just in bursts of inspiration.

Ok for this review I am going to point out a few mechanical issues - I have noticed these things and when it is your writing they become invisible - so here goes, hope it helps.

You tend to lose voice when you over explain -

When was the last time I took a shower? Oh yeah, that was three days and many bottles of wine ago. Guess it is time to wash this worn out body of mine and then head out. (all of this could be cut and being in his head simply ) I need a shower. The first bit was good- but the humor bit was covered up - you buried your punch line with fluffy.

An AAA member I will never be. Take that to the bank. I think you mean AA - triple A assists you when your car breaks down and take that to the bank is a worn out cliche' not needed...the funny bit was that sobriety wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

When I get to The Grove, as we call it, I quickly look up at the sky and notice it is a pale shade of grey - ok - first -do you say...When I got to Walmart, as we call it, -no - if you call it something -that is its name - unless it has a formal name that you and a group have nicknamed it - as we call it just makes Haymitch sould like he's talking to aliens.

A pale shade of grey - is not odd - why would he not see the sky on his way to the grove? What about his arrival makes a pale grey odd? So you tend to use flat descriptive terms then must waste lots of sentences to make it work.

I watched the sky as I headed to the grove. Everywhere people stood looking upward and my own skin began to crawl at the odd color. I have seen grey skies, offering the promise of rain my whole life, but never have I seen a clear sky simply lose its life and become the exact tone it would obtain on a black and white security monitor. It was a grey sky, cloudless, unexplainable and dread is the only color it could be called.

Now I just knocked that off -just to show you the difference between vivid and readable. You have nothing wrong with your sentences, but you have given them a weak small picture. Give your words more power and you won't have to uses so many that get you less bang. This dead grey sky is a huge thing - going along with the dead fish - it must pop - and then you jump in and list trees in the next paragraph - don't care -instead, what is Haymitch's favorite tree, does it have a scent or a certian leaf, is it in flower - let us see the character buy being in his mind rather giving us an inventory...so it makes sense -

The sky hovered like a threatening old teacher bent on using her terrible ruler on my fragrent beech trees as they streached their mint scented arms gingerly upward. The willows seemed to weep for their taller friends, knowing trouble is perched to strike. All of my trees, Maple, Ash and Cypress, greeted me silently waiting to see what I intended to do about this brand new teacher. (you connect Haymitch as still in his old role of mentor while again speaking of the threat above -and you clue your reader in that he is connected to the care of these living things and if he feels the sky threatens them - as in teaching them that something is wrong - he intends to get to the bottom of it - he loves the trees and that since the war he's become a bit excentric)

and is almost breath taking -almost but not quite...drop most of your almosts -they are habit not meaning. I almost jumped the canyon - has meaning. Almost breath taking - means it falls short of Being breathtaking.

If I had a woman, I would take her here. - this was the best part -it is Ok for him to know he's lonely -he thought about it -so don't say he doesn't want to think about it - haymitch is 40something -he's in his actual prime - It may sound old but Brad Pitt is almost fifty - Charlie Sheen is too - Don't make Haymitch 107 - and 107 year old boys think about girls too - hehehe.

Ok this is getting long and I hope you understand I didn't take all this time to hurt your feelings in any way -I only wish to point you in the directions of improvement. You have many good things going on as well - next chapter I will poont out the good stuff that you should keep doing -

Very scary sounding - dead fish is bad - get samples to see why and get outta there Finn!

Lol -this was good - love Gale's reaction and need to shift -lol

Mr. Dicklicious -oMG!

This is fun - now does anything happen besides they go to work and think about fucking? I mean that is nice too but - plot - um Just wondering here - LOL - it is 6 chapters and they are still on their way to work - grin.

anyway keep going - checking off for now that I should re read bits later - grin.

Oh my lord - Finn has to find another shuttle - wait you know your not allowed to do that right -pssst - there are no guys in the hunger games -LOL. You have turned them into ...well guys! ... who even think about sex without it being forced or some evil plot! OMG - They will like take your family to the capItol for that - and make them watch the shorty short preview til insanity sets in... You have Ruined the fictional characters reputation - LOL - no it's really fun and written well!

This is actually adorable - love the gale - love love the haymitch - keep going! This has a lot of possibility - I like the whole new district and Finnick ALIVE part - I love the ego Haymitchieness -very cute.