...

WOW. That... I'm sorry, I'm going to be mean. That wasn't exactly the best.

In fact... Leona was painfully a Mary Sue.

There are plenty of things I saw in this that was just plain... Well, WRONG.

Okay, Number one:

1) We CAN'T ignore the fact that she's Solinari's daughter. You see, when this Mary Sue could have been maye, just maybe, a little bit more bearable to read... That just killed it.

2) Raistlin only loved three people. Crysania, Miranda and, sadly, some other person I don't know because I haven't read that book.

3) Hmm, let's see... Taking the test that MAgius took? Sorry, but the Tests are made out to fit the person... She is DEFINETLY not Magius.

4) Let's forget the fact that every. single. important. moment. Was taken care of by the Mary. It's one thing if you throw a character into a sotry; don't alter the storyline to much.

5) Raedena... A Lich. Sure. Okay. Fine. Lover of Fistandantilus? That just threw that perfectly potential idea OUT THE WINDOW.

6) Injured during your test, eh? Okay, fine. Every MAge get's a mark left on them during the test. Oh, but let's give her a potion so the knee won't hurt... I don't recall Par-Salian giving any OTHER Mage that.

7) Hey, another Black MAge! But... Isn't that contradicting the idea of being Solinari's daughter? Hmm... Did you just throw in that idea because it sounded cool?

Okay, since there's SO much more, I'll just stop before this review... OR flame, if you want to call it... Well, I'll stop before it gets too long.

Words cannot express how sick I feel right now...

*Clears throat* I will be as nice and as blunt as I can...

If your going to insert a character into a story, that's fine. Alter the storyline? Again, that's okay, too. But, the main character can't be all perfect and crud like that!

And this 'Leona' is way to Mary Sue-ish. I mean, Being the Daughter of Solinari? WAY WAY to far fetched. And, she's Raistlin's CLONE! How could he fall in love with a CLONE? He's in love with himself and MAGIC! He lives for MAGIC!

I'd say the one thing I liked about this story was the Ending. It was cleverly done, blah, blah, blah...

Okay, I'm done now. Please don't be mad at me. Well, to mad, at least.

gasp... *mouth hanging open* that was AWESOME! tha twas so cute... I hope to see more stuff like this...

First and most importantly, you completley butchered Raistlin's character. practially nothing of the way he acts made it into your story.

.

Second, you're original character is a painfully obvious Mary Sue who's a direct copy of Raistlin.

.

Third, you gave a pivitol plot point in the original works and gave that to your Sue. It's bad enough that she's poulting the story, but don't say that your version is the right one and that the book was wrong. That sinks of undeserved ego.

Figuring, hey, someone out there must have written some Raistlin/Amberyl action, I went googling for it and came up with a review that led to this piece of crap story.

The Sueage is really bad here. Your Sue is the daughter of the god of light, Solinari, no less.

Of course, your Sue is a Sue of "EXTREME BEAUTY!1" Your Sue has a twin like Raistlin, has a lich like Raistlin, has weirdass eyes like Raistlin as a result of her test, and a disability like Raistlin, also as a result of her test. For her disability, Par-Salian gives her a potion. I guess that sounds familiar, too. What else does she have? A staff! That lights up! Like Raistlin's!

And as usual, MarySue totally rapes the canon character:

Quote:

As she smiled, Raistlin felt a tingle in his heart that he had never felt before. As he looked at her face, he realized that he was starting to love her, something that he thought could never happen to them, because they were such close friends.

Raistlin who? Who is this guy calling himself Raistlin Majere who wants nothing more than to marry this "lunar fairie"?

Not only is this a MarySue to the extreme, badly formatted, and has author's notes as *part* of the prose, but you, as a Suethor, straight up tell us that the canonical story was wrong, and yours is right.

Quote:

Nothing really happened in those five years, except that Raistlin and Leona broke off their engagement and she moved to Olan's house after he died. The story resumes on the day that the companions were reunited after their respective journeys. That meeting can be found in The Dragons of Autumn Twilight, part of the Chronicles trilogy. Therefore, that reunion will not be mention here. However, that book has a falsity in it. Before the companions, and the two barbarians, ran out the back of the Inn of the Last Home, a woman in black robes said to them, "Follow me to safety. If not, prepare to die at the hands of the Seekers." As the woman walked out of the back, Caramon noticed a pronounced limp in her right leg.

"Hey, Raist, does that limp look familiar?"

Never mind all that BOOK stuff. MarySue's got it all in hand. Okay, lemme clear something up here, Suethor: In the scene in question, the character Tanis makes the very quick and risky decision to help two strangers escape their enemies. He tells his companions and the two strangers, "We'll go out through the kitchen." This was the moment the Companions got involved in the War of the Lance-in other words, the entire Chronicles trilogy begins because of Tanis's decision and the Companions' escape. The fact that Tanis made this decision, that everyone quickly agreed (including Raistlin,) is a recurring theme in all of the books.

So now, all of a sudden, it was all MarySue's doing. Right.

Ahh, Sue...

Quote:

"You have changed much, Raistlin. Your attitude, your mannerisms, your voice, everything has changed. You almost frighten me."

That's the only line that makes any kind of sense in this plot-hijacking, mage-raping mess.

Its a nice little story

Oh-I like this! Only in your next chapter can you seperate the paragraphs more? It'd help make it a lot easier to read and understand. Thanks!
~Jer

I think that this story had great potential, but you should have included more elaboration. Also, your original charater, Leona, should have had some character flaws, to make her a more beliveable person. If you had perhaps given this story a bit more thought, i think that it would have turned out a little less choppy and awkward. Characters also seem to use words or say things in a manner that they wouldn't use in the series and that disappionted me a little. Overall, i think with a little work and some help that this would be a great story.

dearest you,

hey! great fanfic! absolutely outrageous! i mean...can you make a sequel for the story. and you are very imaginative! sorry if i reviewed just now. hope you read this and if you did, please email me or something.

thank you.

janne itashimashta ne.

cordially yours,

yun_a aka cLaRiZ_07 aka mUsIcA aka zaiLin007

Tell me what's the point of this? All I see is a big, blatant, trite Mary Sue who copies almost all of Raistlin's traits. Can't you at least come up with your own idea? Gee.

O.k. I'm going to be VERY mean here:

*It's a mary-sue

*it's a mary-sue

*it's a mary sue!

*it's Raistlin's biography in the form of a lady...couldn't you at list change it more so that we won't think it's Raist in a skirt?

*Raistlinlovedon't mix. it's like oil and water!

*The elves on Krynn don't live for 20 years. they can live up to 500 or a little more. THAT's ALL!

*Shirak? couldn't you at list counjer up a diffrent magic word for light? come on!

*Again...Raistlin and Romance do NOT mix... i trust you read the stories and the only, ONLY three times he was in love were Miranda, Amberyl and Crysania. That's IT! and he won't run after a woman he cares about-that's not Raistlin!

*Readena? O...K... i won't even start with that!

*Raistlin does NOT laugh! he seldom laughs...you made him a Happy-go-along kinda guy...that's not Raistlin! he is evil, ok? he cares about no-one but himself-like every other Sain human being!

*Raistlin hardly eats. you made him a normal person-he is NOT a normal person! he is Raistlin!

*Goldmoon first needs to go to Xak Tsaroth to even know who Mishakal is...not to mention the part that she's a cleric of her...how can she be a cleric if she doesn't know of her exitance?

*where did the edventure and the child of Amberyl went to, huh?

*what about those two years in the Tower in Palanthas? I mean if she had twins they get born in 9 months not 3 years!

*liches? come on get authentic! sheesh.

I think i'm done being evil. but i only wanted to ask, and please answer me back on this...did you dream this story or it just poped to your pretty little preverted mind?

Thank you and i'm done, ladies and gentelmen. be sure to tip your waitress...ANUBIS the Great

You have a good writing style, I'll start with that, and you have a good idea here. But, remember, when inserting original characters, especially when inserting them into the timeline, altered or not, you have to be careful, or the whole story may seem, to put it bluntly, pointless. Let's start with Leona. What was the purpose of giving her a twin? It never became a true plot point, and copying Raistlin's words made her seem...too planned for the purpose of being with Raistlin. Neither was the Lich, other than to, again, make her more like Raistlin. And why would she gain the black robes in the beginning if she was truly white? You did mention the lich thing, but Raistlin's alignment did not change because of that. They still have independent thought.

Her relationship with Raistlin is next. First, I just need to say, a woman who removes her ring that many times in the same day in threat is not worth keeping. Raistlin was too nice, specifically where her magic was involved. I'm not saying he couldn't be nice, but Raistlin was a very jealous person. When he used his staff for light, and then she did the same thing with her own, it was as though she was just trying to show him up, and he would take it that way. A rival in magic, the only thing he felt he had, would not make him too thrilled.

Also, though you did say they had grown up together, you need to say WHY Raist fell in love with her. Was it her personality? Her intelligence? It just popped out of no where.

When they met up later, though it would have been useful, Raistlin probably would have been awfully snarly about another mage lending him power. It's like saying he's too weak to handle himself in his art.

Finally, I have to say the end was kinda...rushed. Plunging through history, it's like the whole thing was for naught. In the end, there was no point.

This isn't a flame, I'm just putting in my meager words of advise. You have writing talent, and Leona was a good character, but to make her great, you need to delve into her and make her whole. Filling character gaps with Raistlin likeness does not make a good romance partner for him.

Hmmmmmm... Let us start down the list shall we? :) First of all, you put me on the edge of a flame, but I will be blunt! *narrows her eyes* Made-up characters are good but only for the right reason. Although kinky here and there, I dont think Raistlin (after the black robes) loved anyone. Especially OTHER mages. Raistlin, as we all know, hates himself and others around him. To say he loves a completely different girl that is well "made-up", would mean for Tasslehoff to actually shut his mouth for an hour... WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN! (and no, I dont hate that cute kender) Oh wait, lemme guess, you thought this Leona chick was you? Sister, we've ALL dreamt of it, NO NEED TO HIDE IT!

you do not have Raistlin's characteristics down he's not that nice

I don't think you can actually ever write a romance fic with Raistlin, unless it's with Crysania, and even then, it's a huge labour; why don't you try again? You've got talent.