Great idea. Not so great presentation.

1) I literally see a giant wall of text. You know how teachers at school make you write multi-paragraph essays? Well apply this to your writing. No one likes reading a giant paragraph as all it takes is turning your head, an ill-timed blink or reaching the end of a line and you've lost your place. With 8 or so lines of text good luck finding your place.

2) Mawlocs are giant insectoid/lizard creatures with rows and rows of talons, dwarf large buildings at full height (it's probably a few stories shorter than the school itself), it has that giant resident evil g-virus type mouth which makes it physically unable to speak *any* coherent language (unless you count roaring), and lastly it's psykic. Does this sound like something a 14 year old girl would talk to as casually as a pet dog? Does this sound like something *anyone* would talk to at all?

3) I'm not good with the fluff of tyranids, (I'm a chaos space marines/daemons player)but judging on what trygons do and that mawlocs are physically weaker than trygons, I'm assuming they do something other than smash tanks. If the mouth is any indicator it probably has to do with eating or spitting something. That being said, wouldn't the mawloc try to eat everything it's ordered to fight? Being as people who die in this series usually die in a melodramatic way this could cause a plot induced problem. Imagine Mawloc being ordered to fight the secretary and instead of her escaping it eats her and the golem (which is the only logical way for things to play out). Well now the entire plot sequence leading to wales dieing gets f*cked up now as Mawloc doesn't have a reason to get seperated from its master. If it has to be a tyranid, a less killy, building friendly one would fit better. Say a genestealer, ravaner, or even a gargoyle.

Hmm needs some editing and how are they not cowering in fear? A mawloc has a fucked up scary face XD

Please space out your story into sentences and paragraphs. I read like I would talk, so reading a really long sentence causes the mental equivalent of running out of breath.

The idea is interesting enough but you have to work on your grammar skills.

Interesting idea...

*Horrible* presentation.

Keep trying.

Interesting chapter. I have the feeling I need to point this out but just so you know you can't use the annoying talking sword for some very obvious reasons. But I do think this will be interesting. Please update soon!

Trife

One word: PUNCTUATION!