I like it!
The sad thing is that you stoped :C

Ahhhhh! Cliffie! No update in years! Curse you!

I really enjoyed reading what you have here xD I couldn't help but laugh out loud a little too much.
I was having too much fun reading this ho ho ho.

It's too bad you stopped writing this piece, but I hope you never stop writing :)!

I just have to say, I think that this was one of my favorite fics on the site, and I'm pretty bummed out that you won't be continuing it. I just picked it up and read it all, and I have to say, it was really well done from start to finish. You had a great development going on and excellent characterizations! :) I'm aware that you didn't think it was all that good, but I'm sure some of the best authors out there hate their own writing. But just because you don't think it's good enough doesn't mean you have to abandon it forever. I'd love to read more sometime, even though that probably won't happen.
Keep up the great writing!

its over. :( ironically enough its chapter 13 so. Maybe you have matured or whatever. but the "im in gradeschool i can't fully enjoy this" is crap. sure some of the stuff is deep but from what i can tell you get that there isn't a huge meaning that connects everything in a way so hidden you need a degree to understand. and if you think everyone here is in college, think again. i myself am in middle school, not gradeschool but you'd be suprised who is. i cant change your mind if you want to leave, to you im just text, but i do encoarage you to rethink yours thoughts on it. and thats rant. its really sad to see the story go. but there is one thing in the chapter worth questioning, why did Kit tell him to with Kent but then Guy, and the girls?

Really nice story solid plot and great characterization of all of the characters (especially Lyn and Hector's relationship). I am definently a fan of this story so please continue this!

I've been following this fic for a while. Excellent job. I am not an FE guru either (My field of expertise is Pokemon), but I'm pretty sure Nino's a bit out of character. Unless she's meant to be a Sage, since she seems to have a degree in nursing.

Only prob i have with this is...the title. Doesn't seem like ya ended it so...yea.

Good to see you're still writing!

Pretty good chapter, overall. Just gotta take what you other reviewers have said into consideration. ;3

Later!

Hmm, so Florina finally found out that she's in love with Hector. This is getting good. I just know Huey planned all of this. I'm glad you like epic MonocleMan and Supa epic SwordsMan who . Please update soon!

-Ash

Finally! I'm too sleepy for a cognitive critique, so I'll just point out a typo. "...not killed Lynyet"

Yeah, that's all.

DENNEH used REST!

DENNEH fell asleep!

Zzz...

Xirysa and Asherien have already covered much of what I wished to mention with this chapter. You are improving though it is often overshadowed by small details that would otherwise be no problem were it not for the consistency with which they appear.

Such extensive author's notes are truly unnecessary and juvenile. Perhaps having them at the end of the chapter would be a much better decision; in addition to this there is no need for you to give so much detail in them. In particular explaining the setting of the story is not something an author should do in their notes - I understand that there was some confusion as to where the army is located but that does not mean it should be explained in author's notes. Instead - and I mean this in the most polite way possible - it is directed toward your skill as an author: if your readers are confused then there is something you as the author are not doing properly or need to work on.

Saying that a chapter of yours is low-quality does not bode well for the reader and will more often than not turn them away from the story before they actually read it.

Your characterizations seem better than in the last chapter though I must agree that there were portions where they did not fit their canon personalities at all. The main issue from what I noticed was with Eliwood and Guy and at times Matthew seemed far more immature than what I recall him being IIRC. As was mentioned earlier referring to support conversations and game script while writing the chapters is a good habit to develop.

Some of your descriptions are oddly phrased throughout the narrative as well. This is something that can only come with practice however and you are improving.

There are also aspects regarding realism that strike me as odd but again these were addressed for the most part by other reviewers.

I hope this feedback is useful to you.

-Marius

Thanks for clarifying the setting! Just a tip for you- in your other works, you may want to do that in the story itself. It just makes for a piece that flows nicely.

I agree with you when you said this chapter was not your best. It wasn't quite as polished as your others and seemed to be a bit choppy at times, but you did keep your character interactions believable in terms of your story and, as this was a chapter focused on character interaction, that is really good.

Well, even at just a month later it's kind of nice to see that you've improved in your writing. Some things, though. Like your author's notes-Asherien brought up a lot of really good points. If you have extensive author's notes, keeping them in a separate place is usually a good idea so they don't distract from the 'fic as a whole; it's why a lot of authors I know (myself included) keep the notes for their 'fics on another site, usually something like Livejournal.

(To add a purely personal note, I actually find extensive author's notes like these to be juvenile for some reason-again, part of it, I think, has to do with my preference for brevity, but like I said it's my own opinion.)

Going on to the chapter itself, I have to admit that I find it kind of odd that Hector's the one chopping firewood while Matthew's just chilling and talking to him. Marius mentioned it, actually, with nobles likely not helping out with menial tasks like that-even if the noble in question is someone like Hector. So yeah.

Sleepovers are fun and stuff, but like Asherien said a lot of stuff with what was going on in the chapter was... Well, pretty wonky to say the least. Like the stuff with Guy; he's a mercenary, and mercenaries really don't get paid well at all. There's no way he'd have another set of clothes just for sleeping. Same with the rest of the army (nobility aside, though they'd feel it too)-it's really just very impractical.

A lot of the terminology was really modern, too. Maybe it's just me, but seeing modern day slang and speech patterns in writing intended to be in the medieval-esque setting the FE games are set in is just a major pet peeve for me. xD

It was really weird how they went from talking/having a pillow fight (which, aside from Matthew, maybe, I can't really see the rest of them doing) to playing a game. I actually had to reread that section over a couple of times to figure out exactly what was going down.

Something about Eliwood and Guy in this chapter just really seemed off to me-you've got Hector and Matthew down pretty well, for the most part, but still. (Try looking up the supports and such for them-they're a great reference for figuring out characterization and stuff.)

Having random words in all caps is also distracting-there are other ways of emphasizing words, like in italics. TYPING EVERYTHING OUT LIKE THIS is pretty much a sure sign of juvenile writing, in my experience.

Mmm, I actually think Matthew's quite a bit older than the other three-Hector, Eliwood, and Guy are all in their teens, but Matthew's considered to be in his twenties at the youngest. He seems awfully immature now and then because of this (again, take a look with supports). Also regarding the line with Marcus-referring to Matthew as a boy just makes me giggle. xD

So yeah. Everything else I can say is just really super nitpicky things. Hopefully this concrit was useful. C:

[Xirysa]

I'm not a huge fan of Hector/Florina, but you've done an all right job here. (I'm sort of picking through bit by bit.)

I especially like Matthew in this latest chapter - it seems very in-character for him to be observing things Hector himself doesn't notice.

Some things that stood out to me when zipping through the fic, though:

You author's notes tend to be really long - in this last chapter, maybe longer than the chapter itself. Notes are good for maybe saying "Thanks for reading on" or "I'd really like feedback on such-and-such", but keep the setting description and the like to the chapter itself, and don't apologize for your work. Saying how crappy your writing is is really insulting, in a way, to your readers - "why are you wasting your time reading this junk?" is not the message you want to send.

You also tend to stick modern phrasing in, which can be jarring - "Hector to Florina" in a line of dialogue, I recall, seems pretty out there for a pseudo-medieval setting.

Anyway, you seem like you have a lot of potential for improvement, and I see from your profile you want to be a writer? My biggest suggestion - especially since you haven't beaten the game? - would be to keep tabs open of support conversations and game script (you can find some of both on serenesforest dot net) and make sure you stay true to that. Keep writing, too :3