please update! the scenes were so cute and accurate in the original!

Chapter 3
We could use her
[HOW? I could guess how Lelouch might think of some way to make use of a Code bearer, but Chawla shouldn’t know such particulars yet]

anyway." Tamaki was
[Source Mixing]

the couch slightly
[adverb]

relax. She had
[Source Mixing]

a way. "She's
[Source Mixing]

look of disbelief and betrayal
[Emotion and expression has a sort of inertia. If she’s spent minutes practicing looking impassive in this meeting it’s unlikely she’d snap to a clear betrayed look, especially as she and Lelouch had to have talked about a few things so she wouldn’t explode during the meeting. Lelouch is nothing if not prepared, and not talking about possible topics concerning her would be unprepared. Disbelief on the other hand is more mild and seems to fit well]

"Tamaki." Bother
[both?]

Ohgi looking seriously
[What is this?]

and Lelouch were kissing
[Seems unlikely. This is implied to be just a couple days after Shirley’s reappearance, Lelouch seems the sort to mull about something that serious for days]

when he'd said
[hadverb]

not an imposted
[imposter]

almost as emotional
[Telling. How is he emotional? Show us his emotions so we can piece things together and believe the conclusion. Is he shuddering with rage? Are his eyebrows drawing together in strained sympathy? Tears glistening at the corners of his eyes?]

Lelouch had been
[passive]

Nothing had changed
[hadverb]

moment. She nodded. "Good.
[Source Mixing]

know." Shirley nodded
[Source Mixing]

"Ano . .
[Which language are you using in your story? English? Then stick with it]

door had been left
[was]

lamps were on, making a dim light
[Repetition]

one to returned
[return]

made her heart fill with pain
[Fill is vague. Pulse, throb, tremble or some other word is stronger]

bore holes in his head
[This is a poor choice of phrasing in a world where such things might be possible]

I would never even consider
[Both of them know he would. He is the type of chessmaster to use every piece, not excluding himself. I doubt he’d exclude her, and I believe she thinks the same thing or she wouldn’t have wandered off with that gun]

looked down, probably deciding
[Telling. This is from her perspective, you can describe observable tells (his eyes flicking back and forth, perhaps) but not what he’s thinking]

but it's nothing
[It’s not nothing. Though it might be something he needs to deal with, it’s not nothing]

That had seemed lustful but this was more cautious
[Telling. If we were given concrete details then and now we’d be able to analyze it ourselves. I understand people don’t think as well when tangled in emotional situations like this, but SOMETHING seems required, even a perception of tentative motion or caution from him or something]

bed first then Lelouch
[Would she be comfortable enough with him to do this? Sleeping in the same room isn’t as significant as tight quarters as many living spaces are (many homes in Japan have a single bedroom for the parents and children even if the kid(s) are in high school), but in the same bed has some pretty strong implications that her doubts wouldn’t seem to allow yet]

I like new ideas that twist the canon story around into new and interesting directions. Your story benefits from you seeming to have a clear idea of where you want to go, but you have unclear portrayals of what people are doing that leave series of events confusing. There’s also more Telling than Showing, hindering the story’s ability to hold interest.

purple optics bore
[They’re only called this if they’re artificial, otherwise it feels awkward in a setting that DOES have cybernetics]

life had settled
[“had/was/were verb” is a passive, weaker construction. Dropping it makes the passage more concise and active]

guilt; one of
[Semicolons separate whole sentences, they should be avoided even in technical writing. In narrative there’s no reason not to use a period (to emphasize the two ideas) or comma (to emphasize their link)]

prince had thought
[hadverb]

His queen, Shirley Fennette
[A queen is a power piece, that’s why he titled Kallen ‘queen’. She was powerful and capable in many of his military gambits, even if it’s ambiguous (or negative) whether or not he even considered any relationship with her]

only he'd paid
what she'd been
she'd been going
[hadverb, even if in a contraction]

Shirley had paused
[It’s jarring to present a story in a chronologically discontinuous manner. Even for good writers it’s hard, and that requires excellent transitioning back and forth. I’d recommend starting at this point, as that’s where it seems your story gets started]

He'd been there
[When you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph. This avoids source confusion, long paragraphs, and makes your narrative much easier to read]

"no matter how
[“No]

Her voice had
[hadverb]

she had slowly
[had-adverb]

heart had stopped
[hadverb]

after the flashback
[This is what writers call it, but in-narrative it’s a memory to the characters. Better to call it that to help maintain a sense of voice and immersion]

but he didn't necessarily
[The phrasing (as often happens with adverbs) makes it seem like you the writer don’t know. He doesn’t want to be touched, but he can’t muster the energy to push her away]

She chided. What? Did she
[Source Mixing. I admire that you’re keeping the narrative focalized on Lelouch, but it jumps from her words/actions to his speculation/observation. In this case, I think a paragraph break fits]

Knights." Lelouch sighed
[Source Mixing]

He hadn't gone
[Didn’t attend]

hungry." Lelouch heard
[Source Mixing]

Milly had thrown
[threw]

Shirley had almost
[hadverb]

she had kissed
[did kiss]

they had set
He'd found her
[hadverb. I’ll stop pointing it out here, but it’s a repeating problem that holds back your story A LOT, removing them would strengthen every instance]

She hadn't seemed
[didn’t seem]

closeness selfishly
[I don’t think there was enough conscious work for either of them to be called selfish here. Stupid perhaps, but not selfish]

back but his drenched hair dripped
[Both are natural results of being in a shower, so ‘and’ fits more than ‘but’]

was contently munching
[munched]

familiar orange haired
[Shirley has brown hair. One of the few believable hair colours in the anime]

Lelouch hurriedly exited
[Weak. “fled” or “bolted” seems more fitting]

heart was pounding
[pounded]

sweating a good bit
[What is this? A thin sheen? Profuse soaking?]

Clearly bemused by
[amused seems better as it’s less dependent on others’ feelings]

Lelouch studied her
[The last ‘her’ identified is CC]

when he had been sure he'd die
[when _she died_?]

no bloodstains
[Was the bullet hole there?]

There was no need for an answer
[Even if this is so, something that clearly indicates the passage of time (or no pause given) would’ve been nice]

do now?" He
[Source Mixing]

dumbfounded. C.C.
[Source Mixing]

supporting her weight evenly on each arm
[I’m not sure how he’s carrying/supporting her. On his back? Holding her out in front of him?]

never athletic…said to be weak
[Repetitious]
It would be true
[Unnecessary]

carefully set her
[adverb]

she was completely
[You overuse adverbs]

something caught his eye
[Unclear]

revealing a Code
[11010110?]

Chapter 2
from her slumber…drifted to consciousness
[Repetitious]

that really affected it
[This sentence is awkward, confusing]

was her sense of smell
[Repetitious, and the later sentence has the opportunity to actually describe, which is better than this telling]

things familiar…things that
[Describes nothing]

freeze for fear of being
[Telling, also not as important as the existence of fear]

been shot; there
[shot.]

shock of being so close
[Last described, he was in a chair an undetermined distance from the bed. Did he move?]

Her green optics hovered
[Ooh, she doesn’t even have to strap on her night-vision goggles? They hover?]

bathroom is down the hall
[What happened to the one directly adjoining his room?]

slammed the bathroom door
[The adjoining one, or the one down the hall]

outfit that she had never seen before
[Why can’t you describe it?]

looking like he was in deep thought
[Telling. Show us by the unfocused gaze, or zipping back and forth of his pupils, or something concrete and observable]

casket had been put
[Passive]

pulled down the collar
[Given that she protested at him POTENTIALLY seeing her in a state of undress, why does she not protest (even a squeak or jerk) at this when he doesn’t explain anything beforehand?]

Take a shower
[Didn’t she already clean up? You told us she already went to at least the one bathroom, but with all of the telling you have I don’t know if you just forgot to tell us or if it didn’t happen]

It's called a Code
[How does he know this? You might not need to inform the audience, but I’m not sure you’ve got that and it could be important for his gaps in knowledge, or how he delivers the information]

the school uniform
[In her size? Does this not concern her as it did when she thought he changed her clothes]

strange outfit
[Given the power of interpretation in fanfiction (much less standard fiction), you really should describe this outfit. It looked like an ordinary dress to me]

slept in Lelouch's bed
[Given that you just identified Lelouch and there’s only one ‘he’ in the scene, you could’ve said ‘his bed’ to avoid repetition of his name]

C.C. had come
[came]

play games with Shirley
[I’d understand ‘toy with’, but not ‘play games with’, that needs clarification as vague as it is]

The witches orange
[witch’s]

a fefw strands
[few]

you with my but
[with me. I’m unclear as to why he’d bring a civilian that he’d have to explain to them. Eventually]

Zero, taking him by the arm
[Apparently she has no faith in Zero, or concern with undermining his authority before his subordinates. Then again, you didn’t describe much of the scene or people in it]

laid seductively along
[It’s called “lounging”, and given her canon characterization I think she doesn’t care more than wanting to pose for the males]

she was wearing the outfit
[Still no description. Show, don’t tell. Her dress didn’t seem at all unusual to me, if you have a different item you want her to have you need to describe it]

a great asset to our goal
[How? Has he already come up with a plan AND gotten her okay? She might be willing to help him in mundane measures (not only throwing her loyalty behind Lelouch/Zero twice but also taking up a pistol and trying to help him before running into Rolo]

Chapter 3
tense – for her – meeting
[Telling]

their hand that
[hands]

She was looking
[looked]

When Zero, Lelouch
[Phrasing here seems awkward. “When Lelouch in Zero’s guise”?]

Good story
Keep on going
Hope for a happy ending

AMAZING!

Look! YOu have got to update already, please?

Very very nice, I love this :D

Update soon! :D

That pissed me off! Stupid lulu! I feel bad for Kallen and Shirley...Kallen got used...I don't really like her, but that's harsh! You got me really interested in this fic...update

Gruhh, this chapter always makes me wanna shoot Kallen.. ._.

Anyway. Shoo happy you updated, can't wait for 4~! I get to read new stuffs, yay~ XD

Nice work!

WooHoo! Haha I really hated this part :P But it shows you have great writing ability if you can upset your audience! Anyways i will be on the look out for Chapter 4!

Very awesome. I love it! And i wish people would continue there stories about if Shirley never 'died'. Keep up the good work!

Good story.

Loving it alot! So keep em coming!

Kyaa! Lelouch finally told Shirley he loved her! Wonderful! Simply wonderful!

...To bad I know what happens next (if you decide to add all that you had from the other story). I just hope the situation doesn't get messier than before.

But like always, good job on the chapter and I hope to see a quicker update for the next one. By the way, you're forgiven for the delay of this chapter because of Lelouch's confession that you put in here. Again, simply wonderful!

So until next next, buh bye! \(w)/

i like it, please keep writing.

MOARRRRR. I NEEED MOARRRRRRRRRRRRRR. D;

...I loved as usual btw. c:

ONLY TOOK YOU FOREVER. D:

...Jk. c: But yea, can't wait for another update :D