update fast?

More fingerpaints!

I'm starting to LURVE this pairing! XD Great story, I can't wait for the next update!

Scrolling down a lengthy profile, we find ourselves in a pickle of choices.

Three is a great number, unlike one and two that usually lead to doom and gloom. Review-wise for your stories, too. Speaking of my current choice, this story, I readily admit that I have not read such a peculiar summary with an equally intriguing title this year. I note that, and if the measuring stick rises in future reviews, it's all your fault.

That in mind, it is very difficult to apply the regular standard to your writing format. For a moment there, I was just gawking in wonder how did such a fangirl manage to squeeze the magnitude of those words inside the fandom. The intense narrative rendered me speechless, and I was actually worried that there would be little assistance to offer you. It's as if you knew what I'd wish for in a story, and you put it all in the right places. The first tingle reached me with the italicised teasing, and you carried on with the motion later on.

Speed, that sensation you jolt us with is something you mustn't lose later on. Instead of being read quickly, certain spots force me to slow down and take in the colour you splattered there on purpose. Combined with wit and tactful potshots at characterisation, it's a strong mixture I wouldn't try to tinker with for a few chapters, so it unravels fully, like that hand. First time I read about a hand unraveling. Ahem.

Sadly, this is where the review would have ended had I been a regular reader, but I'm not. I went through your story the second time to see the big picture with the support structures hidden behind the scenes. If a reader is happy with sitting in theatre, watching the face-first skittles, a critic likes to see how everything looks from the inside.

The conclusion is pretty ironic because a gargantuan set of visual beauty is held in place with strings and duct tape. When I woke up from your charming narrative, I managed to see what you wanted to hide. Take your chapter introduction. They are the same. The way you introduce a scene, 'It was'. Also a repeat. Constant references to a character cause an even bigger number of pronoun repeats in a single sentence.

It escalates into: "The rest of his hair hung limply, arrayed across his shoulders in straggly and dripping tangles, or fell in front of his eyes - pale green eyes that dominated his face and wavered furtively towards the mirror, then some far off corner, her direction, then to his feet," a sentence long enough to overload a reader that is paying attention. His times five, by the way.

Another point would be the somewhat intrusive interruptions in your story. I generally dislike a conclusion being separated from the rest of the text, leaving several lines cut off from the chapter. This fits one-shots, yes, because they are now adapted to an inattentive public, so the main idea has to be served on a silver platter. A longer story cannot afford such dropouts. If you must jump from scene to scene, do it without such symbolic empty lines or just offer separate stylistic chapters full of tiny cuts you have left from others. I think the contrast would look good in the story. Several chapters with one solid point of view without loading texts -x-, and then an arrangement of bits you left out. Experimental, but your whole story is extraordinary in this sense, so it shouldn't clash. Just an idea.

Overall, I'd call this story a picturesque visage embroidered on a linen cloth. The foreground is amazing, but it clashes with the surrounding dull grey. At heart, it is amazing, and yet one wishes for its neighborhood to be more varied and eloquent.

Have a nice, abuse-free day.

Too awesome... The descriptions were fantastic, the reactions were great. I couldn't find a single flaw, not even a sentence ending with a "," again.

Oranosegold, lolol xDD Totally describing her hair that way from now on~

Lovely description, again, plot is moving wonderfully, and I am SO glad you chose Dan for the friend role instead of one of the generic girlfriends, Runo/Julie/etc. And I love how you've depicted Dan and Mira's relationship and characterized Dan~ xD

And now I will give fail!critique.

First of all, I think there's a typo here: [...I once tried using that line once.] One 'once' too many~?

And another possible one here: [...to screw up his courage.] That sounds a bit off to me, I don't think 'screw' quite works there...

Besides that, in the first half of the chapter in particular, you use quite a bit of dashes. Not that I'm one to talk since I'm a total dash whore, but there were places when I think commas could have worked instead. Just a thought~

And yeah...that pretty much sums up my fail!critique. Overall this is loveliness and I'm really enjoying it~

Note that some parts of this review are facts; things I am pointing out that are wrong (typos and grammatical errors) While other parts are more opiniated.

Well, to start off- there is an error in your story's summary. 'Absurb' where it should be 'absurd'.

Onto the story, itself...

It was the same flat layer. Murky gray on top of gloomy green, occasionally split by spindly tree trunks that wearily suffered woody scabs and wilting tangles of branches and leaves]

I feel this would flow better if there was a semi-colon after the first sentece, combning the two sentences instead of just splitting the two up.

Also... a lot of adjectives. I wouldn't rely on them too heavily, or you run the risk of writing purple prose. It's nice, and it gives us a colorful picture- you did that extremely well- and I don't see a problem, just yet, but be wary about that.

And the rain – pattering mildly, teasingly against the windows – didn't help; the misty spray blurred the windows, the world, and could obscure and twist the image of a speeding vehicle beelining straight for the square front of this rickety and stuttering old bus–]

Right around here, I would probably say not to use the semi-colon. The sentence, though the first part is short, becomes extremely lengthy, and without a breather, the reader might just become exhausted.

-

Honestly, besides those, there were few other noticeable things I really caught that seemed all that off to me... or they were just the same problem. I did notice the hyphen was used a lot- and I mean a lot- in this story. Not really a bad thing; it just seemed odd to me. Probably because I rarely see it used in the stories I read, and then I see it abundance. It isn't bad at all, though it does make some sentences seem a little stretched out.

The only readability problem I noticed was already touched on by DNA, and that was the adjectives being used in a row. Though it is less of a problem to me.

The story reads well, and the prose is firm, if not just a tad overdescriptive for my taste. You are definitely very talented, and I was actually interested in the story, which surprises me as I'm not a fan of Bakugan.

Disclaimer: I do not sugar-coat.

You have a typo in your summary. Minor point? No. Summaries are serious business, if you've read any of my other reviews, you know I like to rant about how important they are for drawing in readers and for making a first impression. Typos make you seem lazy before the writing has begun. Which is unfortunate. Case in point, I made this comment before I read a word of your actual story.

On to the actual content:

I see you have a habit of listing adjectives in threes. Fine in moderation, but it does get a tad boring. Examples:

"decorated with its cracks, stains, and frayed straps."

"impersonal and oppressive and depressingly cold"

"sticky, muddy black floor"

It's perfectly valid, but do try exploring a different approach to description.

"Harmless, right?"

In my experience, rhetoric does not make for a good reading experience. Breaking the fourth wall is seldom a good idea.

"no, this feeble metal coffin on wheels."

An example of stylistic repetition that didn't QUITE work. The phrase is a bit too long for this to read and well and subsequently, be a good stylistic choice.

"unbelieving shrieks"

Not a great adjective. My suggestion would be 'panicked', even though it's not a synonym.

"staticky"

Just plain 'static' would do nicely, I think.

"Best to just ignore the excruciating numbness"

Apologies for quoting Microsoft word, but 'sentence fragment, consider revising'. Normally these don't draw my attention, but this one read odd enough for me to comment.

"the bus groaned into a halt and the joined the other three or four people ambling down the aisle."

'he' not 'the'.

At this point, I will stop pointing out typos, seeing as they are easily remedied by proof-reading and betas. Preferrably both.

One last grammatical element: You have a penchant for run-on sentences. It's hard to pick up when you're checking because they read like separate sentences, but you've turned them into clauses by separating them with commas or semi-colons. Periods are your friends.

My overall impression was that your narrative is quite strong. Very vivid imagery, but, like so many others, you revert to an amateurish style of listing adjectives to serve as description. Try and address this without drying up your prose. Your characterisation is very clear and easy to follow. You establish the protagonists character (or at least, the slightly paranoid aspect of it) very solidly in this one chapter. Kudos for that. In general, quite good, but there are a number of technical elements that need to be addressed.

DNAPD.

Gus/Mira longfic, yayz~!

This is really interesting so far. I love the concept of the plot. The description is awesome, and fits the mood perfectly~

Gus's characterization is really cute, too~ xD I don't think I can offer any concrit, the writing is great, it feels just like a novel...

Oh, there's this: [the only difference to the smally, dingy house...]

Do you mean smelly? I don't think the word smally quite fits there...But I could be wrong xD