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Great Work!

Hi Alcina,

terrific in English as well as in German (though I'm not the right person to appraise because my English is not the best ;))

But I really like it!

H&K

Callie

Hi Alcina,

I already told you, how much I like this drabblepoem when I read the German version. It is wonderful though very sad, but I like to think of the two of them that way (I mean the connection between them, that was there but had to be denied).

Lots of love

Callie

That was very lovely. I hope you'll continue to write stories in English.

That was lovely, though achingly sad. You paint a vivid picture. I could easily imagine him standing there, watching her and wishing... Very nice!

Loved. It. So meaningful, painting - like. I felt it at heart. Please keep writing in English. It's worth it. - And this way I can read it. ;-)

You should write more!

THX

God bless you!

Thara

P.S. But I have to admit that I'm more into ADMM. ;-)

I really like it - though it is a bit depressing.

It is well written and wonderfully formed. I hope you continue writing like this.

Best wishes

Leta McGotor

"He touches his coat

right over his heart

as if he could feel its emptiness

as if he could stop its aching

with a simple touch."

so sad and beautifully said.

heartbreaking.

Very powerful. Like watching a giant iceberg float towards your ship...

This turned out just wonderful; but it is not such a big surprise, as I know well that this scene holds a special place in your heart, as it does in mine...

I can't imagine a better way to express his emotions than with your one-word-lines and questions.

How about a second one about Minerva's feelings at the same moment? :-)

Ich bin fasziniert, wie tief wenige Zeilen bewegen können. Eigentlich mag ich nur gut gereimte Poesie, wenn es denn Poesie sein soll. Dies ist tatsächlich nicht ganz zu greifen und fließt doch beim Lesen, fühlt sich weich an, geschmeidig.

Erstaunt bin ich auch, daß Deine Übersetzungen aus dem Englischen immer so viel besser klingen, als die Originale, währenddessen ich fürchte, dieses kleine Gedicht würde im Deutschen gewöhnlich, schlimmstenfalls banal werden. Sprache ist immer auch Stimmung und Empfinden. Mein Kompliment!

It's really extremely good. It doesn't have a very strong rhythm, but on the other hand the way the line-breaks add an emphatic edge, especially to the last thought - "She could, though" - definitely qualifies it as poetry imo.

The English sounds fine, too. I've only one microscopic quibble with the language, and that's a Britpick rather than bad English. It's only that "on the grounds" is a bit of an Americanism - we Brits say "in the grounds".

Oh and also I think "Up from his tower" is a bit back to front: if he is in the tower, watching her, and she is on the ground, in English it should be "Down from his tower" - he is up, but he is looking "down from" the place where he is up at.

Or you could say "Up in his tower". But "Up from" would mean he started in the tower and went further up, which doesn't work - unless you are deliberately saying that although he's ohysically up he's emotionally down, and emotionally he has to go "up" to get to where Minerva is?