Rating: 5.5 out of 10 (Chapters 1-7 inclusive)

Pros: Interesting twist to the canon Love Hina storyline. Most of the characters are in a believable position at the start and don't seem too OOC. There are two changes done are having Motoko raised by the Urashimas. I know the author is aiming for this to be the big change in the story, but honestly it is less significant than what the author does with Keitaro. I genuinely like the idea of Keitaro's life being jump started by three years (making TODAI on his first try).

Cons: Given the rating I am giving this story, there are a significant number of drawbacks. Some are more forgivable than others.
1) There are some logical fallacies in this story.
* How is Motoko (who is 6 when the Aoyomas are destroyed) able to use some of the signature Shimmeryu school techniques? I know the Rock Splitting Sword is her signature thing, but how has she learned it?
* Who destroyed the Aoyoma clan, and why has this only been mentioned in passing? To be honest with you, this is a major missed point in my opinion. Given how Keitaro is in canon with promises, the story could have him promising Motoko that he would do everything he can to help her discover the reason for her family's murder. It would be a great way to tie the two together. Also, how come they haven't come for Motoko if she managed to survive the initial assault? It would be another interesting element to add to the mix.
*Since Motoko was raised by the Urashimas since she was 6, why was she not adopted? Even if she wasn't adopted, she was presented to Keitaro as another little sister so how has she avoided the trap Kanako fell into? Furthermore, why isn't she calling him Onii-chan?
*How the heck can Keitaro's parents be disapproving of him becoming a student professor at Todai after 3 years? Yes, it's not a high pay position in an almost purely academic field...but it is TODAI for crying out loud. According to the Academic Rankings of World Universities, Todai is the 21st best school in the world, and the top rated school in all of Asia. Kyoto University is the next Asian school at 26... and no other school in Asia rates in the top 50!

Of bigger concern are the mechanical issues. There are misspellings and fat-fingering (Sempia and Todia as opposed to Sempai and Todai/ Bow Staff as opposed to Bo staff). More glaringly are the capitalization errors. To be honest with you, there are an excessive amount of capitalization that should not be capitalized and a handful of proper names that are left lower case. Normally, I would say that this isn't too huge a deal, as it really doesn't make the story unreadable. It does, however, interrupt the flow of the read making it more difficult to actually enjoy the story. Why it is a pressing issue is because this is a story that has gone through a Beta reader. I don't know what the condition of the story was before it got to the Beta, but I genuinely feel it could have and SHOULD have been fixed before posting. Maybe take an extra read through next time?

Overall: This is a good story with some decent sized flaws. It has a very interesting premise that could really make a fantastic story. Still, the mechanical issues are present (even after a Beta read) and the story hasn't been updated in 4 years... so I'm not holding out hope for a continuation.

It's not bad, but I think the grammatical errors I've found could use some fixing.

Interesting story I like the concept but I do wonder how the conflict in the story will continue between the characters and how sub characters will be included

ah. . cute

This is one aspect I hate about Japanese society. Don't act EXACTLY how your parents want you to, and you get banished from the household, basically. Ugh. This is why I'm glad I live in a culture that did away from arranged marriages and where people can't be forced into family businesses.

Still, good story.

I don't know if I can read this with "Hurka" being one of the mistakes being made. Her name is Haruka.

Minsune is also incorrect. It is Mitsune.

Shinobu, not Shinobo.

Getting character names wrong is...well, not quite inexcusable, but it does show the amount of time that likely went into this. Or that the beta reader has no idea about the series.

Okay...that's enough I'm so disgusted I can't read anymore a good concept ruined by idiotic portrayals and your idiotic misconception that Haruka can intimidate or bully anyone!? PATHETIC! Also anything can be accomplished by bullying and intimidation? GROW UP why don't you!? Another idiot like you is Cactar whose (unfinished) fic is Keitaro the Bad Ass!? Yeah right!

Also with this Keitaro you may as well just kept him the canon Keitaro from the manga!

Im not normally quite so harsh but im in a bit of a mood so sorry about this lol

1 - You really need to make sure you get the names right, look it up on the internet, or just use the site itself they have more examples than you will need of more than one viable spelling.

2 - Plot, the idea itself... love it is unique and that is a hard thing to come by in the FF world, how you went about implimenting the plot... well, it was kinda ...not so good.

The thing about taking a plot idea and making it a story is making it believable, even in things with Magic, Ki or planet busting level threats making eveything from reacton and consequences believable.

Pretty much eveything else falls into Parody and humor, below that *And in my opinion is utter trash* is the stupidity known as Crack, or a Crack-Fic

The mistake you seem to have made is character names and the reactions to the situation, despite how over the top the reactions some of the characters have in Love Hina I just could not see them reacting the way they did.

That aside with a little refinment this could be a really amazing fic so keep up and i look forwards to seeing how you improve as a writer!

Regards
Mystic

Awesome, loving it

Seriously...how can you get a person's name wrong? Two persons actually.

Haruka...HARUKA! not Hurka

Mitsune...MITSUNE! not Minsune

and HOW the hell would Keitaro not recognize Motoko when it's only been a year? people don't change that much physically in a single year, even when going through puberty.

Nice!

You know one thing I am sick of is how Haruka is portraying as scary and intimidating when in fact...she is NOT! You've ruined an interesting concept with yet another of that stupid depiction also if Keitaro had any training she could have shown HER serious pain! Also why did such a pathetic threat work?

This story is hilarious, interesting, original, touching, and unique.

This is a pretty good fic, you should totally keep writing this story. I really liked keitaros fight scenes and saving Naru was a great way to make her start studying and liking him. Also I'm liking the cat, hey it might just be a shot in the dark, but is that cat gonna transform into a cat-girl? I've got the sneaking suspicion that she is. So yeah great work and keep writing!

Suna No Ken

make a new chapter already