Okay,you've got half of this in bold,half in underline and regular print,you seriously need to look into a beta to fix this please!

Or are you just lazy?

I get that this is your first fight scene so don’t take my criticism personally. I think you have a lot of potential in this story and I’m only trying to help. First off this idea has been done quite a bit but the way to make yours and be unique is to really pull us in through your OC. The way she see’s everything is how we’re going to see everything and writing in the first person really allows us to get in her head and experience the story in a unique way. I think you have a good idea of where you want this character to go and I look forward to seeing her get there. That said I think it would help the story if you put more of a difference between her and Maryl. At this point in the story they seem overly similar, if that’s what you’re going for then its working but if not you may wanna adjust that.

As for the fight scene, I could tell you had a clear vision of it in your mind and it seemed well planed but the coma splices and syntax errors made really hard to follow. The other thing I noticed is that you have a tendency to tell me the action rather than showing me.

Here’s an example…

“He fell to the ground, scrambling back up again, he would aim his sword for my ankles. In a split second I back flipped out of the way, but landed unevenly on my feet causing me to wobble. He used that time to shoot up, and aim a kick at my head, I narrowly missed. Putting my vision in order again, I saw he was going to do a complicated air kick then jab the sword through my arm. I deflected his kick pushing me back a few feet. He landed on his feet perfectly.

And here’s how I’d do it. Just to show you what I mean.

“He fell to the ground only to scramble back to his feet and swipe his sword towards my ankles. Back flipping out of the way, I landed unevenly on my feet and found myself wobbling. Taking advantage of my poor balance he unleashed a kick aimed for my head but narrowly missed.

Hopefully you get what I was saying. Using the first person point of view can be a great way to suck us into the action so remember that you have five senses to choose from when describing a fight.

I hope that you don’t get discouraged and if I seem harsh I apologize. I’d really like to see you turn this into a truly great story and I’m looking forward to reading more and seeing what you do with the story.

This is awesome! I love it! You write very well, I can't wait for more!

Okay, question time:

so, I'm a little confused. Is Maryl Wuya? or Chantel? And where's Chase in all this? Okay I'm done.

Very interesting, however due to the shortness, somewhat bluntness it got kinda annoying. HOWEVER it is a very well written story that explores the past of some of xiaolin showdown's best characters, and even though something like this has be done before you take to a higher level.

PRO: Interesting, well written, and original

CON: Blunt, somewhat lacks detail.

In all I give the first chapter a 8.9/10. A really good startoff that if you take time and effort into it you could have a hit on your hands.

I hope this helped and I used to write xiaolin showdown fanfiction, but since it went off air. Eh.

Update.

I'm so sorry it took me a bit longer to get back to you this time. I was at bible camp until this evening. I tried to get back to you as soon as I realized you'd reviewed my story.

So... You really need a beta reader. Small things, not major mistakes but ones that are still distracting, are slipping by you. Cheery instead of cherry, umbrella's instead of umbrellas, things like that. (Also, cherry blossoms? Not Chinese. Japanese. Japan is the country of cherry blossoms. China is more about flowers in general, with each having a specific meaning. It's not impossible that Chantel would be painting chery blossoms, but it sticks out as a 'oh, look, this author has all of Asia as one culture' kind of detail.)

The ending sentences of the fifth paragraph need work. Weirdly placed commas chop up the narration when it's not needed. Take out the comma after instructor, and after laughed. Then combine the last two sentences together and THAT is how you use commas to join sentences. (Why, yes, I AM giving you cheat sheet esque writing tips. XD) Also, put a comma in after marrying in the sixth paragraph. Think about how people speak out loud. A comma should go after unsure.

Maybe you need a punctuation beta - someone who just does that part of this for you. Other than that, you really have everything together.

The ; was weird, and not needed. Nosey is spelled nosy, but the site's spellcheck doesn't catch that. (Beware the faulty spellchecker.) These are things a better SP would catch, but it doesn't. I implore you to get a beta, since it's so. freaking. easy. to miss this kind of thing and will help tremendously. Also, seriously, cut down to three ... only. The site is beginning to have occasional format errors because of your use of 5 or so .'s and it is annoying. Not your fault, but still an inrritating glitch. I sall claps is a funky typo, and another example of a mistake that makes the reader stop and reread.

Your and you're are different. If someone means you are (i.e., you are free tommorrow) it needs to be you're. Please get this down, because it trips up so many authors its surreal and I don't want you to be one of them.

Look, there's no easy way to say this. I adore this story. I like the theme of friendship, I like the idea of a backstory, and I love the setting. The characters are themselves but still unique in your writing style. Every idea you've got is very solid and unique. I really, really do enjoy reading this, and I'm not just saying that for the sheer heck of it. I do. So believe me when I say this: I mean no offense to you by what I'm about to say.

BETA. GET ONE. There are errors left and right. Spelling errors, capitalization errors, punctuation errors, and formatting problems. I have to reread things because the dialogue is weirdly choppy and lacking in structure. Fragment sentences and historical inaccuracies leave me blinking in confusion. You're so close, so very close to having a perfect story, but get a beta for crying out loud. I'll beta for you. Your family will probably beta for you and be faster. Just, PLEASE, get someone to smooth this out.

The character development is good. I'd suggest a bit more scenery description, but that's just me. Chantel has really become more real in this chapter, as has Guan. Dashi is reacting in a very human way, both friendly and introverted as most people would be in that situation. I'm very intrigued by your portrayal of Dashi, as you're not making him super human like most authors do. He actually has a moment of pain and regret here, something I found both in character and startlingly well done. Don't worry about being OOC - he was reacting realistically, and THAT is what matters.

Also, I got your review and was honored speechless that you'd want to use my character. No one's ever paid me a compliment quite like that before. I'm flattered. Feel free to use him in this story if you'd like, and feel free to ask me for any other character ideas. I have a bunch of original characters I'd be happy to lend you; I'd love to see you write more OCs in general.

Actually, I just want you to keep writing. All grammar errors aside, this is a fascinating development chapter with some real glimpses into people's minds and hearts. Please, keep going. I'm eager to see how this is going to work out.

Not bad. :D I wish you had developed the incest thing between Ceciline and her father a little more, that was COMPLETELY unexpected."

For the first paragraph it should be "She had auburn hair, and gold eyes behind her closed lids."

"The first shall be sightless one, the second Wuya, and the fourth" I only counted three babies.

"When he saw the third he was overjoyed, the second he was proud, but the third made him speak in rapid harsh French." I'm guessing it's "When he saw the FIRST" he was overjoyed.

"She ran as fast as her small legs good carry her. " Could, not good.

Okay, hi. It's me, Fluffle. Remember, you asked me to review your story, and I haven't yet? Yeah, sorry for the delay. I got back to you as fast I could.

Let me just start off by saying, this is a good concept for a fic and one you have explored in a unique way. I really enjoyed reading this, and I mean that. However, there are a few things I think you need to pay attention to a bit more. Not anything that is so major as to ruin the fic, because these really are just MINOR problems, but they are rather obstructive to the writing. You're doing very good in originality, I just think some of the prose needs a bit of work.

Example - The first paragraph is a bad case of run-on sentence fragmentation. The first two sentences would work better as one, though due to length, you made them two. A better way to write this would have been, 'In a delivery room, there laid a mother in labor who, rather than crying, sweating, or screaming in pain, merely laid there, her eyes closed and her breathing even'. You see how much better the flow is? I know English teachers scream at you that long sentences need to be made into two, but honestly, they're wrong. Use commas more, and you can easily avoid fragmented sentences. (You show a natural tendency towards long sentences. Don't let grammar Nazis tell you otherwise: there is nothing wrong with long sentences, and if that's your first instinct, go with it.) The father through to the walked part could also be one sentence and look much nicer. Remember that through usage of the word 'and', many of these fragments could be one sentence.

You seem also to have a small problem with redundancy, which is something most authors have while first starting out. 'Gold eyes behind her closed eyes', for instance. Simply say she has gold eyes; the audience will figure out that you mean her eyes are gold when open. Again, I know some people preach that detail is the most important thing, but just go with what feels natural to write and you'll be fine. (Write for yourself, not for critics. You've got too much natural talent to do otherwise.)

You have a few too many commas in the babies description. I understand that commas are tricky, but please understand it might help to have someone look your work over and take out/insert commas as needed. I've had people do that for me, and it helps. A lot.

An ellipses has three dots, anymore than that and this site has been known to mess up the formatting. Yes, it's stupid that this website has such limitations, but in the future, try to only have ... instead of ten .'s, okay? Trust me, you don't want the formatting backfiring on you, it's a nightmare to fix.

i should be I, with craft should be witchcraft (or in French, crafte de magique). These are things where you just need to double check to catch the errors. I speak as someone who has replaced more chapters and edited more documents than you can imagine: double checking is ALWAYS a good thing. (I once managed to somehow call Dashi 'Rash' without noticing. You don't want this happening to you, believe me. XD)

All in all, you only need minor adjustments for this fic to be an absolute knockout. I love how you're keeping true to the diverse nature of the Xiaolin, with Wuya coming from Europe (so many fics make her Chinese, it's infuriating). You have a very original take on the characters origins, and I'm really looking forward to this fic progressing. From the nationality to the magic beginnings, I have to say I'm very intrigued; I could not stop reading at any point in the fic. You have the potential to be a captivating, spellbindingly good author if you follow a few of my tips. It's nice to see an author with genuine talent approach this genre of fanfic.

I'm putting this on my alert list, since I cannot STAND not knowing where you're going with this. I would be honored to Beta read for you, if you wished, but I'm equally honored that you asked for my opinion. I really hope you keep at writing and update soon.

Oh, and one last thing? This may seem odd, but could you review my fanfic 'Snow'? I'm sort of in the same boat as you: no one wants to review a fanfic set in the past, it seems. (We are so underappreciated, honestly.)

Keep up the good writing.

Much love,

Fluffle

I likey so far. But FYI, it's Guan, not Guam. Guam is a place, lol. Please continue!