[Electric-type pokemon naturally built-up stores of electricity]

That should be "built up", I think, no hyphen. "Built-up" is an adjective, referring to something that has been built up.

[I was sure I'd be disinherited."

"And then—"]

Errant endquote here, if this is supposed to continue the same speaker.

[Lad you seem to be operating under a fundamental misapprehension here.]

Possible missing comma after "Lad".

Ooh, the noose tightens! Loved the discussion about science and politics and the intersection thereof. As someone who works in science myself, Haru's problems hit very close to home. Very excited to see where this will go!

[his mother had managed to impress anything on Haru in the past year, it was that a researcher's salary didn't stretch very far.]
Ooh saltiness for mom. I feel like they’re going to have a blowout of some kind before all is said and done.

[One of her rag-tag crew, are you?]
EYES.

[All of them with those damn worker chips]
Nice bit of world-building. So small and so effective. Though, the electrike bodies washing ashore gave me a few questions. It sounds more extreme than their lifespans being shortened—it sounds like they’re dying on the job and being yeeted into the river. It also made me wonder about their ecological niche. Is this reducing their numbers? As canines, I’d expect them to be top-tier predators (or maybe second-tier under their mandctrics) and therefore relatively small in number. (And then that made me wonder what they’re hunting and eating—pulse and minun? That part doesn’t need to be answered by the fic, but it did make me wonder.)

[Worried a second clash would come and unmake us as thoughtlessly as we were once made. Thus the dances."]
Again, very nice world-building. The gods are interwoven so well with the glimpses we get of contemporary life in this world.

And, wow—Kyogre came and went! I guess this is a post-Aqua Hoenn. Whatever they were trying to do, whatever rock was in their shoe driving them to act ... It seems the public has forgotten and moved on. They failed. Fits the themes here, for sure. What a sad state. If a god can’t wake people up, what can?!

[Haru tried a different tact, remembering the way Doctor Ogletree had paused to lecture in the corridor when the topic turned to his own research.]
Ooh, Haru is learning. Sort of a dark skill to pick up ... but certainly Ogletree isn’t a saintly figure either. Sins of omission. Haru is humble enough not to challenge another person’s arrogance ... but he can sure see it! It’s in direct opposition to one of his core values. We’ve talked about him caring about sincerity before, but humility is also a big part of what makes him tick.

Loved the hints at how DevCo fits in. EYES for days.

Oooooooh I hope they’re going to tear up the power plant. Burn it down, light it up. Can’t imagine it’s going to go well, but I’m hype!

Haru keeps making choices that he seems to be unable to recognize as choices, in a way. He’s letting himself get pushed from place to place because he can’t find a quiet moment to process ... but he is, in fact, choosing that. This feels like a much bigger choice than the others he’s made. His tropius was personal and small. This is not that.

I so feel for him being unable to connect with Damascus, his friend. He keeps trying to get emotional honesty and resolution, and he’s been denied. (Quite different from my characters who have opportunity but can’t make themselves take it.)

[Several sandshrew were sunbathing on the closest slab of rock, seeming content to ignore the intrusion.]

Aw, I can just picture this. So adorable.

[Damascus herself wasn't a fossil resurrection. She'd come from a breeding colony, a decades long attempt to build back up the lileep and cradily population in the Mirage Desert.]

Oh, that's a nice detail! I hadn't thought of that angle, but yeah, you can breed fossil pokemon, can't you? I love how you're putting so much thought into how the inhabitants would interact with their world.

['And my mam laughed and said]

Looks like an errant quote here.

This continues to be excellent. I love the science discussion and I'm intrigued to see where you're going with it. I particularly love the physiology exposition with Damascus and how well Haru gets on with her. You're doing a really great job of showing what a pokemon researcher should look like, knowledgeable and attentive to the behaviors of many diverse pokemon.

Also really great to get more backstory and lore at the end. Haru's thoughts feel painfully relatable - I too want to do good with my life, but more often I feel like a leaf in a river, just doing what I need to survive.

Haru continues to be so good. He’s on the cusp of some changes, and I can’t imagine those changes will allow him to sit and be a good little intern. I love how he sounds both proud and ashamed of his choice about his tropius, calling it “disastrous.” He’s cutting ties from his family too, at least in his own head, and they seem like one of the last structures keeping him from coming untethered from “respectable life.” His gripe with them feels real and fair.

The moment of wanting to connect with Damascus and being unable to is so sad. He’s in a lonely position. Seems to relate to pokémon more than to people. Even as he surrounds himself more and more with the company of others, he’s still isolated. Seems like that isolation is coming from lack of self-knowledge.

[yolky mixture]
Nitpick, but is it a mixture of it’s just egg? Could be pared down to “yolk” or even “yolky layers.”

I love this grandma memory. We haven’t visited grandma’s memory in a while.

[Too bad. He had hoped to return Maliki's favor by making her some breakfast. ]
Sweet boy. I guess leaving it in the fridge with a note isn’t as chummy.

["Not a delivery, Sir.]
90% sure sir is only capitalized if it’s part of a title like Sir Isaac Newton.

[and the desert seemed deceptively still]
This feels like foreshadowing. Very into it.

[pits, and crumbling towers]
Reminds me of Haru’s descent into lower Mauville. And, now I can say, of the biologist descending into the tower / tunnel.

[It's not just that some species are on the verge of extinction, but that the rate of their long-term evolution seems to be slowing."]
!
This conversation is a juicy dive into one version what life in the Pokémon world means for non-trainers.

[He wouldn't have to worry about his stipend being delayed.]
Priorities. Shows some street-smarts here.

[Damascus herself wasn't a fossil resurrection. She'd come from a breeding colony, a decades long attempt to build back up the lileep and cradily population in the Mirage Desert.]
I was wondering! Nice to have an answer. I’ve had similar thoughts re: Mark’s bastiodon.

[restoring Hoenn's ancient glory, people said.]
Oh, hello, nationalism.

[When he'd caught wind of that, Haru had thrown up training for his gym battle and spent the rest of the week locked in his cramped pokecenter room, laboring over his essay submission.]
Fascinating to see how he slipped sideways into the world of research.

[Haru knew she was checking him for injury, attempting to locate the root of his distress. ]
GOOD BABY.

[Damascus' tendrils were now latched on to each of Haru's pulse points.]
Oh, hello, and slightly unsettling. :D

[There, you've seen your cradily now. I do have work to do, I'm afraid—can't babysit all day."]
Nice guy. Don’t have to worry about him being too vigilant.

[where we can meet eyes like human beings,]
Interesting word choices here. I wonder how this will arise again.

[The audience nodded their agreement. "Gratitude!" shouted a craggy-faced man in the front.]
Oh Haru definitely has roommates and neighbors navigating addiction. Big AA vibes.

[spending his savings on the trip rather than trying for the Evergrande Conference that year.]
Priorities! I see what you mean now about Haru being less dedicated to training than Chris.

[Because if you do, I gotta ask—which kind are you?"]
Active choice time, Haru, not just reactions.

[What had driven him all these years, the long, cold nights in his tent, staying out in the wild, refusing to come in. People were supposed to find themselves on pokémon journeys, but Haru wasn't sure he'd found anything other than uncertainty.]
Yes yes yes yes.

This chapter feels like a "filler", but without the negative connotation. A pause that lets us and Haru catch our collective breath. It starts to inject a sense of normalcy back into Haru's life, even though it continues to be quite interesting. This is the set up, the softball toss in between the tense moments that's just waiting to be hit back into the fray.

The description of this chapter really shines, setting up the believable contrast of Mauville and how Haru finds himself falling into place among its citizens. Which, speaking of, I find myself really enjoying Maliki after knowing her for only a short time. The proper dose of mystery and intrigue to go along with a dash of homesickness that draws Haru right in (and out of his typical comfort zone).

I'm surprise we said goodbye to Atalanta so soon, considering how much effort Haru went through with her in the previous chapters. Part of me hopes this isn't the last we've seen of her, though I do appreciate how off-guard her release caught me.

And of course, poor Haru can't get rest. The note about his spore usage is really interesting, and a clever sleep aid that'd be unique to the Pokemon world. Even after a breather, the tension ramps back up for a proper dive into the next chapter of this fic.

[After two hours readjusting his pillow and covers, he gave up and sent himself to sleep with the spore he'd collected from Aporea before dropping her off.]

As an insomniac, this is a mood. I've often wished I could do this myself, though I keep hearing concerning things about real-life sleep aids.

I like the little culture clash between Haru and poverty. That feels very true to life, that poor communities tend to be very hospitable even though they have little.

["I couldn't." Haru already felt like a trespasser in this cramped space. The morning light had revealed the peeling red wallpaper and forgivingly dark brown color of the carpet. Everything here spoke to a poverty his family had never known.]

I also like that this is his motivation. Everything about Haru points to him being a very considerate and observant person.

[Watching her, Haru felt a sudden rush of shame. He hadn't let her out once since purchasing the pokeball. He'd been so relieved to shut her away, he hadn't even considered it. Ever since Atalanta had chosen to follow him, Haru had been thinking of her as a problem, not a pokemon. She deserved better than that.]

:D

["Seriously, why not stay here? There's no reason to stick with me. You don't owe me anything."]

It's so rare to see a trainer character actually doing this! It's really nice to see how thoughtful he's being, even when communication between them is so difficult.

[I'm not prescribing policy]

Should that be "proscribing"?

Despite the low action, this is incredibly tense. Haru feels so vulnerable here, and he's trying to be such a good person. I'm so worried for him! I like the mention of slums and poverty - the pokeworld is often depicted as a post-scarcity utopia, but it's interesting to consider what it might look like if it were more like our world. And industry dismissing scientific studies, how topical. Looking forward to more ecology as we presumably enter Haru's research job.

[a newly built apartment complex a few blocks from the pokecenter.]
Old habits die hard.

[Haru doubted his research stipend would stretch that far.]
Still avoiding sitting down and actually working out the numbers.

[rocketing from tournament to tournament, and conversation with them was limited to discussion of the latest protein shake blends.]
Obviously I love the world-building happening here. And the consequences of being antisocial!

[Haru retired to bed.]
Might be worth clarifying: at the Pokémon center. Interesting he’s allowed to keep staying there even though his license has expired.

[sent himself to sleep with the spore he'd collected from Aporea before dropping her off.]
Woah, self-medicating. Loved the later detail that he’s painting his eyelids with it WHAT.

[but Haru did have a pokemon on him, if it came to that. He stowed Atalanta's pokeball in his jacket pocket]
Interesting parallels with gun ownership. He doesn’t have a permit for that. He’s setting himself up for more legal trouble telling himself that Atalanta will be a solution for anything.

Oh man, lower Mauville is roughhh. Feels like a metaphor for his criminal descent: down, down, down we go.

[Something unclenched in his chest. The shrine wasn't beautiful or costly, but it was correct. It was respectful, for all its poverty.]
My heart.

[His voice sounded odd, as if it had been pulled from a long way away]
Liked this.

[Maliki]
I have a friend with nearly this name!

[You trust your instincts too, huh?]
Oh dear. I love the vibe between them, but that feels like a dangerous compliment to live up to, considering what we know about him.

[Haru figured, promises made in a prayer room were probably as good as oaths.]
Ooh strong thematic overlap with Brazen & Stiff-Necked!

[Erika had told him he'd have to get used to pleasing other people—career advancement was a delicate balance between hard work, skill, and sucking up, she'd said. Which all sounded hideous.]
There’s Haru’s fangs slipping out again. Probably a common attitude among trainers — staunch individualism. I think his family is right to think it speaks to immaturity as well. And it makes sense — every crime he’s committed has been to maintain his personal code.

[The original Atalanta, Haru remembered suddenly, had declared she would be no one's bride but Suicune's,]
But does she like electric —?
Love this re-skinning (and slight queering) of the familiar myth. Very Artemis the huntress. And I love how he skims over the WAR — history was on her side, it’s fine.

[This Atalanta's debt could expire in peace.]
I bet not, Haru.

[Local Researcher Raises Alarming Questions About Mauville's Power Plant]
Holy shit yes.

Omg email. Omg bad medical choices. Wow wow wow. Haru.

I'm really enjoying this! The crimes just keep building up. The setting details are also very nice.

Y'know, shame on me for not checking this out sooner. Perhaps with the title and cover image I'd assumed it was a fic about Johto and I'd get to it later. Although a part of me is happy to have read this now, after some of our conversation about game logic and world building; there's a lot of parallels to be drawn here, and not just from the location.

Speaking of world building, you do so much with so little here. There's a great amount of enjoyment in being thrown into a world and things just *are*. The explanations are left unsaid, or explained in situ, not an info dump. I'd never thought about it in this context, but laws against poaching and dumping make perfect sense. And what happens to a trainer's pokemon after they're done battling in an official capacity. We learn about how Hoenn works through Haru's eyes, not a narrator's, and that's where the magic lies.

You also do a good job of investing us in Haru's story without a lot of backstory. There's a certain nostalgia that grabs us from a game-perspective: we've been in Haru's shoes when we've chosen to put down that game system for the last time. But we've never had to think about it like he has. What happens when those pokemon are real creatures that you've lived and journeyed and bonded with?

I'm coming back to write this chapter's thoughts after having read all the chapters already, so I'm probably cheating a bit, but things certainly feel like they're slowly spiraling out of control, and it's this weird compulsion that keeps Haru from pulling the plug and stepping away from the trouble. I'm not sure where he's headed exactly, but it keeps you reading, that's for sure.

Overall thoughts:
Ooh Haru is on a slippery slope, sliding faster and faster and I’m HERE (clap) FOR (clap) IT (clap). You weren’t wrong that this fic has a surprising amount of overlap with Divides – I’m getting into sketchy pokeball specifics next chapter, actually.

I enjoyed the interactions with the family. You can feel how well-meaning the family is, and also how the pressure from the mom contributes to the mentality that makes Haru panicky and sloppy. He doesn’t know how to be a criminal. He doesn’t seem to know how to meet others’ expectations either. Sister swooping in to clean up the tension felt very real too. (And gym leader Erika’s perfume line – yes, yes, yes. Makes so much scents, I mean sense. That’s definitely the sort of role I imagine gym leaders would play.)

Loved how you used the fog to keep Lilycove feeling shifty and veiled the entire time. Makes absolute sense, and also carries a lot of symbolic power. The stores were especially good. The one thing I would say you might consider adding in is the vibe of that basement floor – is it sketchy in general, or just that one stand? I was sort of picturing concrete, unfinished walls, fluorescent lighting – but that might not be what you intended. Overall though, I loved the general business of the stores, the variety (felt alive!), and the moment where he goes to the trainer store on autopilot.

Love the idea that imports from Ecruteak are hard to get. Wondering what Erika needs that battery for though.

Very curious to see how both that suicune figurine and sketchy Marve reappear – I highly doubt we’ve seen the last of either.

Line by line:

[act of terrorism over Johto]
Something tells me you have something specific in mind for this relating to the Kanto-Johto unification web you’re slowly spinning.

[Did ninjask even understand the concept of death?]
Very creepy foreshadowing, and an interesting question. Cackle.

Nitpick: in the first line, should “ring” be ringtone for added clarity? Also, should it be sink instead of bathtub? (Love that solution though. Feels imperfect – if pokenavs work like cellphones, it still would’ve pinged cell towers where he was and could potentially get him in trouble – but it felt like exactly what he would do.)

Very interesting chapter. Marve's speech in particular piques my interest - the bitter phrasing of [for pokemon to stick to their place] sounds like he's oddly sympathetic to pokemon, and it intrigues me that he'd bring that up when he could have stopped at "They just want people to follow the law". I'm sure we'll see more of him.

[Sake in a can missed the whole point.

But that was Hoenn for you, Haru reflected, surprised by the bitterness of the thought.]

More cultural details, yay! :D

[Clustered together, they looked like a small forest taking flight .]

Extra space here.

[He could lie … but when Wei woke up]

This looks oddly formatted, as you space out ellipses elsewhere.

[This ninjask wouldn't survive a sustained rainstorm on its own. And the insect pokemon wasn't built for long-term travel, only short, quick bursts of motion. If another storm came, it would not be able to make it safely out of the forest.

Haru's stomach twisted painfully. How was it that at every turn he was trapped?]

Aw. It's so nice to see a protagonist who's such a good person. And this is such a great demonstration of how goody two-shoes characters can still inspire compelling tension.

Dumping the pokeball seems like the riskier move to me; if anyone ever finds it, which is quite likely with the amount of foot traffic routes get, I presume it has identification that will incriminate him? And everyone can visually see that he came in with a pokeball and left without one. At the very least, I would want to completely destroy it in his position, unless that's prohibitively difficult. Is there a greater risk that his pokeballs will all be checked at the border?

[The rain dropped off after a few minutes of walking; Route 119's microclimate was extremely localized.]

I like this detail! Turning game mechanics into diegetic details is always so fun.

["Do you mind if I call you Atalanta?" Haru said. "The name's from an old story, about a woman who gained the blessing of Suicune. They say she ran so swiftly no man, woman, or pokemon could match her."]

Oh hey, I used that name for one of my OCs' pokemon! I was just grabbing random names from mythology, but it's really cool to see you adapting it into pokeworld mythos.

[The image followed him as he sank back into bed. Seamlessly, speculation slipped into dream. Behind him, Heconilia cried long, desperate trills. He was standing on the roof of a vast canopy and the forest stretched out like a giant lake. Suicune watched him from the far bank.]

I feel like there should be a paragraph break after the first sentence here; such a quick transition from real world into dream imagery is a bit jarring for me.

This continues to be intensely exciting. The opening seemed so simple, but complications just keep piling up!

I have no idea how much of this you have already written and ferreted away, so I keep expecting things to fall totally silent... and then you whip out another one.

[Haru said soundlessly.]
This is a little odd. Not sure what you meant here.

[Recalling it into the pokeball now, the damp would fester, damaging the delicate tissue of its wings permanently.]
This is interesting. I think of the inside of a pokeball as more of a cryogenic stasis or something, but I do like that it has the potential for consequences and that it forces Haru to choose.

[Haru pulled his portable space heater from his pack ]
That would be a lot to hike/camp with. (Though the canon lets you get an entire bike in there, so...)

[His own beacon was clipped firmly to his belt, there to be pressed in case of emergencies. It was arrogant to keep your beacon buried at the bottom of a backpack. It was stupid.]
YES.

[His right hand, hanging by his side, brushed against tropius' pokeball.]
Unsure if this is an error or a conscious effort to let go of her.

[Do you mind if I call you Atalanta?" Haru said. "The name's from an old story, about a woman who gained the blessing of Suicune. ]
Very interested in this. Hope we get more of it.

[Wei's nav.]
Gasped aloud.

I love how, at each step, his problems are multiplying.

The mood of the dream sequence at the end was great.

[You're stronger than a wild tropius would be from all the training we've done. I know you'll want to show that off—impress a mate, take command of a herd.]

This is a nice detail, and goes a way to showing that pokemon do get something out of the relationship.

[And when they do, they'll find a microchip, saying you're my pokemon.]

Is it possible to remove that? Although I suppose he'd need to get someone else to do it, which would invite questions and a paper trail.

[How much did she understand, really? How much could a pokemon ever comprehend of the rules and regulations that were the cogs and gears of human society?

He'd read a study recently claiming to categorically disprove the notion that non-psychic pokemon could access abstract thought. But the methodology had seemed sketchy to Haru.]

Ooh, it's great to see characters engaging with this question! If scientific wisdom does hold that pokemon aren't intelligent, that makes so many aspects of this more reasonable, but it's good to see people aren't just blithely swallowing it without question. This makes their society feel very real - there are always disconnects between elites and people on the ground and disagreements within every circle.

[They were passing into a small clearing, when a shrill screech cut the air]

Should that comma be there? It sounds a bit off when I read it.

[There had been a few occasions when she'd offered it to him, and the taste had been truly special—subtle, fragrantly sweet with a dense, pulpy texture. He couldn't imagine referring to it as a convenience snack or acting like he had some right to eat it.]

Haru is so good! This encounter with the trainer is really underscoring the cultural differences (and possible cultural shifts?) at play.

["It was nice to meet you," he added, sure that he had never spoken those words with less sincerity in his life.]

Ha!

[Heliconia was making a show of trust]

Wrong name here again.

[Not a bad tactic, Haru thought distantly, as if appraising a televised match, as the dazzling lights rose into the air.]

This is a nice detail that really shows how old habits die hard. But the repeated "as..." to start the clauses sounds repetitive; could it be rephrased?

[She's already taken control, Haru realized. Without a single leadership battle, either. Despite everything, he couldn't help the warm glow of pride that rose in his chest.]

Aw, that's sweet!

That was intense! I feel like I'd be kicking myself in Haru's place - this seems like such an obvious way for this to go wrong, but at the same time I can understand that he'd think his precautions were enough. I wonder what will happen next!

I’m still really enjoying this foray into moral and legal grays. The nuggets of wild tropius behavior and laws are both interesting and feel natural — it flows well.

I like this calling into question of the bond between Pokémon and trainer. (And I’ve felt that with people on a certain level too — you can never really know someone.) I’m interested to see where this thread takes us throughout this story, investigating the differences between people and Pokémon.

Love the idea of luck as a blessing of Ho-oh! Makes sense.

[It was barely beating its wings fast enough to keep the water off.]
Great detail.

Shadowsmith! And then Dumpster lol. Feels very fitting for this kid.

Both of the human characters feel deliciously vulnerable. Gary’s stance is very interesting... Is he noble allowing her agency? Or is he failing to take accountability for his own actions? I suppose time will tell. Looking forward to seeing how this develops.