oh boy oh oh boy oh boy oh boy. next chapter is the "death of crane" teehee. can't wait!

Is St finally blocked.

he enjoyed the first dip so much he had to go for round two.

aside from that, i enjoyed this and very much look forward to what will happen next.

I literally tried to help you not get caught up in it. Seriously? Private messages check those.

[Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. ]

He gives out bad advice and flames to all the newbies.

[Your title needs to be fully capitalized.]

Published books say othersise.

[Errant capital after the comma here.]

That is not a thing.

[You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. ]

Dailogue is a seperate sentence as such the correct way to format it is [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello!” She said]

[I would format this like so:]

That is just completely cold. Your formatting was great.

[Missing comma here.]

No you aren't.

[Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God. It just isn't. Those 'golden semicircles' are the Dharmachakra of Buddhism. It is very, very explicitly a Dharmic-inspired deity, and ignoring that is incredibly ethnocentric. ]

Arceus is partly inspired by the Judeo-Christian god as well. It's story with Giratina mirror Satan and God. It's also the only God in universe.

[You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. ]

Pokemon names are actual names and proper nouns.

[That is so obviously a game mechanic and not something with any in-universe meaning. ]

No it actually has meanings. This is the number I the Pokedex.

[This entire preamble is pointless. This is a fantasy story. If you want a thing to happen, you don't need to justify it. If you want him to be a growlithe, just have him show up as a growlithe.]

And he is being an asshole.

[As with every story in this genre, I just don't see the point of this opening at all]

And bashing your story.

[there's a bully stalking me who spams review sections to scream no the sky isn't blue whenever I open my mouth. (]

The bully is St Elmo's Fire. The admins even said so.

I'm adding this separately as a guest review so you can remove it through the "Remove Reviews" feature in your account menu if you don't care for it. Only someone purposefully trying to ruin a review section would hold a conversation through signed reviews, which cannot be deleted.

Fair warning: there's a bully stalking me who spams review sections to scream no the sky isn't blue whenever I open my mouth. (For some reason, they also love to claim I actually have watched the anime and that the 13,000 people using the tag don't exist. What they think I have to gain from such a lie, I'll never know.) If you don't want that, a list of all their sockpuppets is on my profile. Please don't be discouraged if they try to stir up drama; the fandom is quite calm aside from them.

Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don't have to feel like I'm making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I've gotten anything wrong.

Your title needs to be fully capitalized.

[Crane's hands started to cramp up as he held tightly to the rails at the side of the aircraft, Staring at the floor trying to keep himself relaxed.]

Errant capital after the comma here.

You’re formatting dialogue inconsistently. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[Crane loosened his grip slightly and looked at the man.

"You seem confident, Mike. Got something up your sleeve?"

Mike smiled.

"Yes, I do."

Crane raised his eyebrow.

"Okay, what do you have up your sleeve, then?"

"A piece of chocolate." Mike reached up into his sleeve, pulled out some chocolate, and ate it.

"Screw you, Mike," Crane said smiling, his nerves relaxing slightly.]

This is a bit too decompressed. While you may have heard that you need to make a new paragraph with every new line of dialogue, what's actually going on is that it's an extension of the rule that a new subject, or which a new speaker is one, is a new paragraph. This means it is actually possible to pair narration and actions with dialogue before it's said, and that can in fact create better pacing and connection to the dialogue. Spacing everything out like this forces the reader to take a mental pause with every line, which can be very effective if you want people to linger on a dramatic moment, but probably isn't what you want for simple banter like this.

I would format this like so:

[Crane loosened his grip slightly and looked at the man. "You seem confident, Mike. Got something up your sleeve?"

Mike smiled. "Yes, I do."

Crane raised his eyebrow. "Okay, what do you have up your sleeve, then?"

"A piece of chocolate." Mike reached up into his sleeve, pulled out some chocolate, and ate it.

"Screw you, Mike," Crane said smiling, his nerves relaxing slightly.]

[While in the air it seemed almost peaceful until Crane noticed that his parachute had failed to open.]

Missing comma here.

[Crane opened his eyes found that he was standing in what looked like an office. He looked around to see a pale white deer with golden semicircles attached to its sides towering over him.]

No.

Arceus is not the Judeo-Christian God. It just isn't. Those 'golden semicircles' are the Dharmachakra of Buddhism. It is very, very explicitly a Dharmic-inspired deity, and ignoring that is incredibly ethnocentric. Even just looking at its canonical behavior, it does jack while a madman is torturing its children into destroying the universe literally under its nose. The idea that is would care about some random human's fate is OOC to an absurd extreme. If you want to do this sort of divine intervention, you need to use a god that actually does divine intervention. Ho-oh, maybe?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

["I am Pokémon number 493," Arceus sighed.]

That is so obviously a game mechanic and not something with any in-universe meaning. Trying to blend this kind of artificiality with an in-universe explanation just produces a nonsensical mess.

This entire preamble is pointless. This is a fantasy story. If you want a thing to happen, you don't need to justify it. If you want him to be a growlithe, just have him show up as a growlithe.

As with every story in this genre, I just don't see the point of this opening at all. Why does it matter who this person was on Earth? Why do we need to see all this instead of just him showing up in the pokeworld immediately? Why does it matter that he's a former human at all? What does it add to the story to delay its actual opening like this? A good first chapter should make clear the purpose of every detail it includes and hint at how they could be significant to the rest of the story. Remember that your first chapter is your opportunity to hook your reader – you don’t need to put all your cards on the table, but you need to have something to show, because you have no guarantee anyone will keep reading. Start where your plot starts; you’re not obligated to cover every mundane detail leading up to the inciting event.

[Your title needs to be properly capitalized.]

Published books don't even follow this rules.

Also you had the Pokemon right.

Okay, I liked that at first it was a World War Two story, but it became kind of a turn off when I fear you might just make another dead human in the world of pokémon story. Just my opinion, but this story would just be so much better if this remained a World War Two story.

Wow, pretty good start I think. Your beta readers seem to be quite good. Just a couple minor things I want to point out. However, if you disagree with anything I say, that’s perfectly fine. It’s your story and you’re free to do whatever you want with this advice. :)

There isn’t really any need to mention that thoughts will be in italics. There’s also no need to type the chapter title in the story itself. The dropdown menu should suffice.

Your title needs to be properly capitalized.

“That means you will become a Growlith,”

Typo. You want Growlithe.