You made Wes seem like a wimp who can't handle himself.

I love this game, and I think it deserves so much more attention then it gets!

Keep going with this!

Why are you spending so much time telling people that they have the option to listen to music or not? Dude...you're not actually with us, you're not our father or mother. I just find it so bizarre how adamant you are about making sure everyone knows that they don't have to listen to the music suggestions you spend too much time on...like...we all know that, dude.

Moving on. Pokemon Showdown is my favorite game and another reviewer pointed out how...stilted the story feels. It feels like you're just going through the motions, looking through a Pokemon Colosseum Strategy Guide book, and just copying down verbatim the list of locations, characters, pokemon, and moves they all use. The whole point of writing a story is that it's YOUR story, so why are you limiting yourself to the most basic, watered-down version of the game's story rather than expanding upon it, for exapmle actually giving Wes and Rui personalities rather than wasting every chapter just copying down a battle from the game with the exact same pokemon and sets you'd bump into...so...where's the fun factor for people who have already played the game?

For instance, you use Willie and Zigzagoon, just like the first trainer you battle in the actual game. But you give him the same awful set of Tail Whip and Tackle and thus create a very boring battle between Umbreon and Zigzagoon in Chapter 3. However, if you'd simply take some time to look at Zigzagoon's stats and movepool, you could have done a lot of different things with that. You could have had Zig use Toxic on the Umbreon and show off that Umbreon has the ability Syncronize to introduce that ability early on. You could have had Zig use Pin Missile to actually have a move with some style and to show your trainer can overcome battles that aren't against people with the IQ of third generation computer AI.

With that said, the story has potential but I want to see you have FUN with the story and carve our your own subplots and character motivations because I really don't see writing down every single battle you encounter against every unimportant grunt from Phenac to Pyrite as fun to write down, or fun for the readers to slump through.

Look just ignore St Elmo's Fire he's just a you don't want him to bother you anymore then Block I like the way you write this story!

[This game does not get much attention anymore so I wanted to do a fanfic based on the game while making a few changes here. No swearing here, but may contain violence and a darker theme.]

This information should go in your author's note. The summary should be about the story itself.

[Also, the video game music titles will be listed in italics so you can play that song as you read.]

You really shouldn't do this. It may seem like a good idea, but it's just distracting.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Before you message me about this, please look at fanfiction (d o t) net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread to make sure your argument hasn't already been addressed.

[In the desert region known as Orre, there was a secret base hidden in a canyon. That base was home to Team Snagem, an evil organization that went around the region stealing Pokemon from their trainers. They did this by using snag machines which were originally big orange boxes with arms that shot out Poke balls, turning them into snag balls in the process in order to snag Pokemon.]

Opening the story with a dry infodump is an instant turnoff. What you have here is a summary, not a story. It's okay to start in the middle of things and trickle information in as it becomes relevant, especially in a novelization where your audience already knows most of this.

You're formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as ["Hello," she said] or ["Hello!" she said], never ["Hello." She said] or ["Hello", she said] or ["Hello" she said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part iis/i considered a separate sentence, so it's written as ["Hello." She grinned], never ["Hello," she grinned]. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like "laughed" or "giggled" is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's ["Hi," she said. "This is it."] not ["Hi," she said, "this is it."] or ["Hi," she said "this is it."] And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's ["Hi. This," she said, "is it."] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don't use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.

[white stripe that went across his face, (either a tattoo or a really long bandage)]

Well, which is it? Don't include your authoral musings in the story, that's distracting.

["…"]

This is a visual art convention that doesn't work in prose.

["That's it? That's all you want? What do you need a Teddiursa for?" Agrev questioned.]

“Questioned” is what police do; it's a synonym for “interrogated”, not “asked”.

[Please bare with me]

You want “bear”. “Bare” means naked.

Pokemon Colosseum is my favorite Pokemon game as well, but I find this extremely disappointing. This reads like it was written for children; the narration spells out everything and the dialogue is extremely stilted, removing all feeling and nuance from the story.

Gr at start please don't quit this story at all I've seen so many not finished about the shadow Pokémon games