A sequel to hope?

Wow, I am liking this story so far! I almost feel like I've been here before, but even if so it must have been before really any of these chapters came in... I dunno, but anyway I really think you've been handling Akechi's character pretty well. Trying to keep up a facade against just how many things annoy him - his own charm being a double edged sword in that way, haha.

I liked that liiitle bit of something Fujikawa's situation managed to trigger in him. Akechi is already messed up and well on his way to becoming a monster, but sometimes he can still relate. Just a small spark of something decent amidst his own drives and deceits.

Oh yeah, will we get to see anything interesting with his guardians? I suppose they haven't been influential enough to get him to be much better than he is in the games, but he's definitely not totally horrible just yet... Still, they have been the only ones to keep him around... :o

Interesting palace, though short! Not even a boss battle, but hey, as you said he wouldnt have been able to expect such a foe. Perhaps he was still just weak to begin with. Anyway, the window scene fits Akechi's future role as an assassin better...

Well, I'll come back and read more later. Thanks for the chapters!

cool

moar!

The future, I mean when Shido confess Akechi will be revealed as an accomplice.

I remember reading the first 2 chapters of this story when I was searching for GoroMako content. I thought it had an interesting start back then but wow you really did a great job developing and writing this down.

I love how you still followed the original events of the game while interjecting your own twists and romances. I love how well younllanned and thought about Akechi’s redemption too.

Also, Akira/Akechi/Makoto are my faves and ot3 and I feel so lucky to finally found actual good content featuring them. Thank you for writing this. Excitedly waiting for your return.

Chapter 17

climbing the stairs up to his floor two
[He was shot in the chest recently, right? He should be winded much sooner]

slamming his shoulder against
[And jarring his wound]

made even heavier by the long jump
[falling doesn’t make something heavier, it gives more time for gravity to impart kinetic momentum]

Akechi scoffed, and the
[Source Mixing: Starts with his dialog, then ends with its dialog]

possible to get distracted
[not to get]

Ann asked. "He did" Makoto
[Source Mixing]

asked Cho-Cho-chan, the
[Sourve Mixing]

though he claimed to be rewarded with fresh sashimi
[Yusuke *wanted to be* rewarded with fresh sashimi? “claimed to be” indicates he had it at the moment, but there’s no mention of “let me eat” or anything like that]

commented angrily. "Sounds
to meet." Haru
[Source Mixing]

You shouldn't probably thank me
[probably shouldn’t]

Ann was saying, but Ryuji
[Source Mixing]

paying my respects and leave
[leaving]

an apology would be utterly unnecessary
[More like it wouldn’t change anything. I’d still think he’d be inclined to say it at least for his own sake]

A little Telling and some oddities with Okumura, but I like how you have a slightly different Goro and let things go their own way. The internal conflict as he grew attached to the team looked good, but I was hoping for a little more conflict between he and Makoto, most of it seemed one-sided and struck Makoto without causing Goro regret. A pity it wasn't finished.

Chapter 13
she managed to write some more lines
[On what? Does she have a notebook? Computer? You have the opportunity to characterize and describe. Otherwise some weirdo might think she’s writing in blood on the wall]

he replied nonchalantly. "Ah
[Source Mixing, the dialog and actions are muddled because I’m pretty sure you have both acting in this paragraph]

Ryuji intervened, but Akechi shook
[Source Mixing]

returning shortly after with a cart full of coins
[This never made sense to me given the later comment at the slot machines of the total automatically changing on the cards]

bought bracelets to everyone
[for]

mouth shut, nor will I judge
[Nor is used to connect two negatives. The “will keep mouth shut” is not a negative. Either she “won’t blab, nor…” or you need a new sentence for the not judging]

you don't get to choose who you will fall in love with
[Disagree. Love is exactly who you choose to be/stay with. Granted, lots of the associated feelings are not consciously controlled]

Chapter 14
him; the GPS signal on his phone was turned off
[I don’t think you can turn the location of your phone off without turning the whole phone off]

turn you down…"
Akechi finally looked
[The way this is arranged, especially the paragraph break, indicates HE then has the next line in the paragraph. However, the dialog doesn’t make sense coming from him, so why not attach it to her paragraph?]

Someone who has nothing to hide
[He has plenty to hide on many levels, from many people. Granted, she’s not emotionally stable to consider all this. Ann might]

You seem oddly suspicious today
[distracted yes, but ‘suspicious’ seems the wrong word]

One thing was taking her out to eat something after making very well sure no one suspicious was around, the other was explaining to Makoto who she was and why she was with him in the first place
[Confusing phrasing, a little awkward. Maybe: It was one thing to take Tamiko out to eat while making sure no suspicious characters followed them. It was another to explain to Makoto who she was and why he was with her]

and picked up the suitcase that came out of nowhere. "We will not be taking this
[Then why pick it up? They only needed to do the suitcase bit to fool Goro and it’s now HIS plan in this story]

crossed path with
[paths]

and left the room
[No pausing to send a picture to Shido? I’m just curious how he’s going to convince Shido all is good when all he has is his word that Akira is dead]

It wasn't even a good sign the fact he was allowed inside straight away
[Awkward phrasing. “the sense of something wrong only grew when the clerks let him straight in to see Shido”?]

sending people go drink a nice cup of coffee
[Awkward. ‘how much you can get by sending one person for a cup of coffee’?]

Chapter 15
answer was. "Ann
[Source Mixing: Ann’s actions, then Makoto’s dialog responding to them]

call being forwarded
[If Goro’s in the Metaverse, shouldn’t the call fail to connect?]

chuckling once again as it was his customs
[I would’ve stopped at ‘chuckling’]

looked so enraged for he was
[Repetition, Telling. That she never saw him enraged already informs us he’s usually calm]

VIPs themselves were unordinary
[Confusing. They were exceptional or unusual somehow? Isn’t that implied just by being a VIP in Shido’s ship?]

for the headache to attenuate before continuing
[to subside?]

…who the hell
[“Who]

could excel him in strength and cunningness
[could surpass him in strength and cunning.]

Even though they were all wearing masks
[None of which cover their mouths]

What did we do to you
[Shouldn’t it be ‘what happened to you’? He hasn’t made a clear threat yet, but he’s also not acting normal]

his saber sword and
[laser saber would be descriptive, you used it before, and wouldn’t feel repetitive since a saber is a sword]

hunting her dreams
[haunted]

former fully intentioned to
[intending]

wall and then floated toward it
[If it already rammed Arsene into the wall, what floating is there to do? It’s at the wall. If “it” refers to something else, you need to clarify. If it didn’t ram Arsene, you need to describe the action in a different way]

replaced by a totally different outfit, before returning candid white again
[So he changes into his dark clothes, then out of them? I’m confused why bother]

he announced in a voice that didn't belong to him
[So does he say it or does a distinct other person’s voice come out? I think you intend to say he speaks in a MANNER that is unlike his normal self, but that’s not what you wrote]

the opponent's struggle
[opponents]

grabbed her wrist and pushed her away
[Weak. He’s got clawed gauntlets, a backhanded swipe would leave gashes (which could be healed) and probably take less energy from him]

judgind by the wounds
[judging]

"This is… too
[You’ve got too many actors in the scene to use unidentified dialog. Is this somebody in the team joining the argument of Goros? Is it the masked Goro responding?]

He was gone
[I hate seeing lines like this, because 1: it’s Author Intrusive Telling and 2: it’s a LIE. Even before your AN where you confess he’s got plot armour – I mean that you won’t kill him, I knew you weren’t going to. When you say a person dies and then they aren’t, you just took away the power of consequences in your story. If we can’t believe in consequences, your heroes face no danger because one person “died” and pulled through already. I’d never say it. Imply danger comes (maybe the gunshots) and cut the scene there]

Chapter 16
The truth was that she was angry
[Who? You’ve got Ann and Makoto both recently mentioned in the previous chapter. When you begin a new scene, you need to be very clear who’s there so we can follow who’s doing what]

more than just friends
[Given that she’s crying out over him, I think that should be an easy assumption. As her sister took on the role of primary caretaker, there’s opportunity to add character either by sympathy or possessive protection]

understanding it was referring to Shido and his lackeys
[How could Shido know? In the game with basically the same people in the same places, Shido had no idea where Goro went]

damn speaking butterfly
[talking seems more to fit the sentence]

with all the strength he had
[with what little strength he still had?]

and steal a snack from
[If her hunger is changing, she’d more likely try to binge eat. Otherwise she’d stick with not being able to even look at food]

"Right this way
[Who? Where? When? A lot of things were implied to be in motion and this line doesn’t clarify who’s speaking to whom, or give a sense of when until later where you describe Akechi bleeding. That’s backpedaling]

with multiple injurie as
[I would say ‘injuries’, but going on to mention the bullet then seems repetitious. Maybe just ‘bullet wound’?]

commuters' confused look
[looks]

think of Tamiko's family
[And the mental vegetable strapped to a cot in her flat]

squeezed him in a brotherly hug
[Which would press on the bullet wound]

Akira remarked with a smirk, making
[Source Mixing]

visibly and truly sorry to
[Before you show, if relying on dialog, but after the comma it’s repetitious Telling]

from his flash with
[flesh]

help of a useless anesthetic
[Anasthetic might have been the dulling agent allowing it all to happen]

getting their toll on him
[taking?]

and haven't showered yet
[He also had surgery within the past day]

and he gesture for
[gestured]

be in terrible conditions
[condition]

rang the bell without thinking about it
[The past several paragraphs WERE thinking about it. He just pushes himself to act before he loses his nerve]

short black hair which
[Makoto’s hair is brown, not black]

Your heard the gunshot
[You]

because he knew that was what she meant
[Then why did he ask?]

and buried her face in his chest
[Right where he’s injured]

Chapter 10
The Average Phantom Thieves Meeting 2: Handling the SIU
[Nah, Mr Bean Will Never See it Coming is a masterpiece]

run." She nodded.
[Source Mixing]

down three fifth of
[fifths]

your quest to discovering
[of seems to fit better than to]

good tastes in women
[taste]

and threatening now
[I feel like this is tipping his hand too early]

letting them know what the bastard was planning were below zero
[He could always send a text and drop off a written message]

tons of college applications to send and listen to his fangirls over and over again
[The list is amusing, but the fact that the fangirl segment is phrased differently adds an odd sense to the sentence]

Akira commented amused, and Akechi
[Source Mixing]

straps digging deeper into the clothes around her shoulders
[So…are they not digging into her shoulders? Normally it’s all referred as one]

afraid he may find out
[Then what about this conversation right now? It’s out in the open real world where Shido has agents, not in the Metaverse where his network is a total unknown]

running as Prime Minister
[My personal opinion is that he was aiming for a mayorship or governorship, not something quite as lofty as Prime Minister]

risking however the death
[however interrupts an otherwise contiguous idea]
and accepting the
[accept]

point for him to stay there
[point in staying]

Akira and the others
[I know this information exists, but it’s outside what he is observing and ends up feeling like Author Intrusive Telling. Do we need to see this right now? No, them showing back up in the palace and him seeing them cohesive again is all we need]

you" he said politely, but the girl pouted. "AKIRA
[Source Mixing. Also overuse of capitalization. Descriptive speech tags serve the job and don’t look jarring like you forgot to turn off caps lock]

Chapter 11
time to stop, this seemed to accelerate somehow?
[Phrasing feels awkward. “more time, it seemed to accelerate” seems to better convey the idea I think you’re aiming for]

the others fought harmonically together
[harmonically? Even ‘harmoniously’ doesn’t feel like the right word. ‘in concert’ could be a fitting phrase, but I don’t think you need to modify ‘fought’]

completely free of charge
[Not free, ‘already paid for in an event the company now can’t push through’]

did you do it?" he questioned
[This conversation confuses me. It’s mainly the phrasing, almost all the lines could fit Makoto but many do not feel right from Akechi. “why’d you slap me” would be clearer, but she’s alluding to a specific incident with Okumura and “why’d you do it” seems to fit better there]

Makoto took a step back and glanced at him questioningly. "I am afraid that answer is not enough. I will try again. Why did you do it?"
"I told you" she said
[I suspect you started writing one conversation, got up, then came back and resumed writing another conversation. Is Makoto saying both of these? Where’s the transition from her asking a question to her saying he doesn’t deserve love?]

complicates cases like
[complicated]

Chapter 12
such a rudimental means
[rudimentary]

As she rode the train
[All of this information the audience already knows. It’s recap we don’t need, and most of the information she would not benefit by knowing]

I have a letter for
[Why wouldn’t she leave it in the mailbox as is traditional for most mail deliveries?]

curious look. "I will
[Source Mixing]

little premise to make
[A premise is a statement to justify a conclusion, did you mean ‘promise to keep’?]

Of course it was him" Futaba smiled
[And he has a sister, too. If he can not be turned, perhaps she will]

behind all the murders and accidents in Japan
[Wow, all the thousands? I thought it was just the mental shutdowns]

"His father abandoned
[Normally dialog is a good means to convey information and we want to Show instead of Tell, but when the audience already knows all the information a short sentence “they told the story of Goro” gets across all we need to know]

Ryuji shouted, but Akira
[Source Mixing]

We would have been the same as him had it not been for Morgana
[An interesting point]

you must do exactly as I say
[But the Shadow is the subconscious/repressed person, not their conscious self. They can enact a personality change but I don’t think they can carry complex instructions]

"Yes, I delivered
[If you’re going to open a scene with dialog, we should know who’s speaking and who’s being spoken to]

Tamiko was patiently answering
[Backpedaling]

Talking about coherence
[Talk about complicity?]

tomorrow afternoon" he…
"I… really
[Both are his dialog, they might as well be in the same paragraph. The pattern of ‘break to a new paragraph to break to a new character’ can muddle who’s saying what if you don’t have very clear attributions]
this wouldn't obey
[His body would be ‘it’]

put a plaid over her
[plaid is a pattern, a blanket or sheet is an object]

responsible of so
[for]

shortly after during break
[after, or during?]

the festival impended
[I’ve heard of deadlines looming or approaching, but a festival can’t “impended”]

stomach shrink painfully
[stomach clench]

had apparently won her fear
[fear can be conquered, but ‘won’ is not the right way to put it]

asked him concerned, but the boy
[Source Mixing]

Yusuke stated amiably
[amiable is positive, he should have widened eyes and a tone of disapproval if not horror]

still wearing it.
[there’s a lot of things around and possibilities there, so ‘it’ waiting until his description later seemed like Backpedaling]

programmed together with Tamiko
[Given that he’s working more closely with the PTs, why would he want to tip his hand to having another outside help by having Tamiko here?]

considered threats or hostiles
[Those mean the same thing in this context]

What about Crow, then
[It feels odd how you bring attention to the appropriate subtext of ‘raven’, then veer off of it. If you gave him a different codename than the game, that would’ve been fine if it’s a natural development]

abandoned all thoughts of killing Shido
[He definitely still thinks about it. However, he has given up any feasible/realistic hope of it]

Chapter 13
didn' have time to check for mistakes
[There is always time to check for mistakes]

on top of the rooftop
[repetition]

Why don't we retreat for now and gather our thoughts?
[Because 0 progress has been made? It always bothered me that the game kicks you out at this point. They haven’t even TRIED to advance and hit some brick wall forcing them to leave]

which was prone to justice and innocence
[inclined or aligned seems better than ‘prone’, because even people prone to accidents don’t have them all the time]

but Akira simply dragged
[This would’ve been a good attribution on his line in the next paragraph]

"What the actual
[Lacks attribution, and there’s a lot of people here. A description/action (like him stepping back and raising an arm to shield himself, or maybe hands curling into fists) could also serve as an opportunity to characterize him]

"Dunno, same… Akira was speaking directly
[You don’t identify the speaker until after the line, but that tag would’ve been fine preceding it. As is, it looks awkward and passive besides being backpedaling]

as a giant ooze literally jumped towards
[Do oozes normally jump metaphorically? Then that adverb isn’t needed]

body had decided to turn completely lazy
a train could be heard approaching.
[Action scenes are served by short sentences and short paragraphs. Both are a little too long here]

he managed to whisper
[They’re in a combat situation, why whisper?]

resolved to say politely, and she
[Source Mixing]

Mementos change every time
[changes]

source of light which was Robin
[-which]

he felt braver by doing so
[Because of her proximity? Or did he feel USEFUL by keeping her hand?]

its invisible face the
[Its face is wrapped, not invisible]

Ryuji explained proudly. "Though I have to say, I'm quite grateful Joker was there too
[Does not match Ryuji’s speech patterns]

Chapter 6
smelling delicious…lost her appetite
[When stress is sufficient to discourage your appetite, it also impacts your ability to smell. She might know it smells like it should, but I don’t think it would trigger significant good feelings]

they had no clue where to start.
Well, that was not his problem
[Why not? Shido said ‘you’ll make sure they can’]

between a coffee bean and another
[between one]

all the possible rules dictated by law
[Not many, actually. Granted, that’s because the law has no provisions for using an app to brainwash people…]

and risked a heart attack
[I don’t see how falling off the bed could cause a heart attack, the moment of shock already passed]

too many evidences behind
[much evidence]

disbelief, but Morgana
[Source Mixing. You start the paragraph with Makoto’s line, but I’m sure you finish with Morgana’s. It’s unclear]

not let our guards down
[guard]

Chapter 7
regular lifting and lowering of
[I guess this works, but normally I see it as “rise and fall”]

explain why you were wandering
[Given that all Akira would have to do is say “my friends have an open invitation”, these would be thrown out. I guess the threat might still fluster her]

Makoto froze entirely…
[You’ve got a lot of adverbs (at least part because of your style), but here in particular I think it detracts from the sentence]

"Good morning" Akechi beamed "My friend and I will be having miso soup and kobachi
[kobachi means ‘small bowl’, it’s not a dish or side in itself]

bottle of ketchup at him
[Given the food being served for breakfast, (fish and rice being the next most likely), soy sauce would be more likely than catsup]

once he was finished
[They don’t utter a single word during the meal? Even if you’re not planning on serious conversation, there’s so much opportunity for sniping or comic teasing while the other’s trying to swallow a bite. Holding up a mask of civility as they throw innuendo or barbed questions at each other is at LEAST as tense as a conversation in a dark alley. Reputation is at stake]

she had told him he was supposed to know
[Beyond the passive, I think this at least diverges from the game (where the PTs keep secret the fact they’re on to Goro). I suspect you intended that, it’s just sooner than I expected. Especially if Makoto’s supposed to be the team strategist]

suggest them to infiltrate
[suggest they infiltrate]

His phone was buzzing
[a less passive ‘buzzed’ would help the sense of tension in the scene]

happened a few days before the school trip
[Did you intend to change this from the game? He died shortly after they returned from the trip]

students from other academies
[I don’t think this would be permitted. Whatever traveler’s insurance the school has would cover 3rd years as well as faculty, but that wouldn’t extend to people outside the school district even if they’re covered legally by the same code of conduct. Granted, you could say he’s in another school in an adjoining/same overarching district owned by the same sponsor as that for Shujin (I don’t think pure public schools would allow such personnel crossover) he might be able to]

typed the message once more
[what message? “guys” is an attention-getter, not an informative statement]

his usual dreamy voice
[He seems too grounded to call ‘dreamy’, but he’s definitely distracted]

I texted him and asked him
[This seems a bit too much information. If somebody ELSE organized it, she still might have his number just as a point of contact, I just don’t think she’d divulge that SHE was the one who asked. Even if (or because) Hawaii is one of the most popular honeymoon destinations for newlywed Japanese]

into a more menacing version of himself
[We already know you’re talking about him, just “into a menace” would’ve been concise and amped up the tension]

"Hello Akechi-kun
[Just to mention: convention for indicating text messaging is to use angled brackets instead of quotes “” so you don’t confuse texting with speech]

our teacher who
[teachers]

Chapter 8
You're a man, right?"
"…I believe so
[I saw where this was going before she even called him out. Still funny]

Ann simply flapped her eyelashes
[batted her eyelashes?]

was his customs
[custom]

Ryuji literally snatched it
[As opposed to metaphorically?]

as it offered assistance in their native language
[It’s harder to find a place where NOONE speaks Japanese than to find one that DOES in Hawaii. Japanese are one of the main economic drivers there]

most of them breaking the rule of not sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex
[This would lead to legal and insurance liabilities from authorities back home (and most hotels in Hawaii probably have rules against allowing under-age couples to mix gender in a room. The fact that they’re age of consent in Japan doesn’t mean they’re age of consent in America, and a hotel caught active in that would lose face). I presume that’s why Ann’s and Ryuji’s roommates booted them out, so the rules aren’t too hard to circumvent]

Two girls had approached him
[We got that from the dialog, but it would’ve been better to get this description BEFORE their dialog]

the others didn't have time to plan
[Even a field trip to somewhere in a neighboring district would have an itinerary, Shujin should definitely have one here. Granted, the students might not follow it…]

bickering like an old couple
[I hate this saying, expecting people in the same proximity to be vicious to each other. It ignores the vast majority of marriages that actually have GOOD communication]

The sorrow and regret he was feeling
[Telling. The dialog conveys this quite well (in fact, I find it almost suspiciously forward and am surprised Makoto isn’t on guard for that as well)]

She was forced to have a relationship with Kamoshida
[He TRIED, but she always rebuffed him. The way this is written, he successfully blackmailed her for sex]

she stated with a frown, and he chuckled
[Source Mixing]

Chapter 9
palm trees created just enough shades where they could repair themselves when it got too warm
[I read this three times and it still sounds wrong. “cast enough shade to provide shelter from the tropical sun”?]

what he probably believed to be a consolatory gesture
[consoling… but I think it would be funnier if he was overtly patronizing]

You guys have fun sleeping in twenty centimeters of space
[Your Akira is amusing]

smiled contentedly, before groaning
[I know his groan is a response to her stomping on his foot, but his dialog starts the paragraph. That means jamming her dialog onto his paragraph is Source Mixing]

sentence I hear you
[heard?]

and got poisoned
[I know eating undercooked food can lead to food poisoning, but what Mishima had is contact with unfamiliar contaminants (not even necessarily microbes) that locals don’t even notice, but ‘poisoned’ sounds wrong]

his friend, but the brown
[Source Mixing]

he had to turn out to be a monster
[he turned out to be a monster? But how could she be certain? She has good circumstantial evidence, but has yet to corroborate anything]

He was pacing back
[“had/was/were verb” is a passive construction best avoided. Here, for example, just “paced” works fine, and whenever you can be concise and active that helps improve the pacing and maintain tension]

he had so hardly built
[I’m unsure what this means – he worked so hard to build? He only now created and is afraid the facade will crumble at the slightest investigation? This is also another reason I advocate avoiding adverbs]

family he'd had had always
[This is another reason I recommend avoiding passive sentences: this repetition is sometimes used in speech, but the repetition looks jarring]

Chapter 2
made their disciplined enter
[entry?]

as it was his customs
[custom? If it’s a single consistent habit that’s singular, if it’s part of a series of things (which you’d also have to at least partly detail) that would be plural]

and seemed to relax
[“seemed/started/began to” is another problematic construction because it implies falsification. I can’t “started to stand” unless you stop me from standing… otherwise it’s “I stood”]

were interrupting by
[interrupted]

but smirk slightly
[adverbs are often a flag for Telling and weak verbs. If at all possible, it’s better to use a stronger verb. The adverb is only an important addition if it significantly differentiates that action from the wide standard meaning. Often that can be substituted with a different word, as “ran quickly” is “sprinted”. Smirks are somewhat slight by default, if it’s very large it’s a smile]

and felt suddenly uncomfortable
[That he shifts into discomfort is clear from the earlier description and note here, I felt the ‘suddenly’ felt awkward because the scene already did the job of indicating transition]

are you alright
[all right]

and his charming personality
[Or facade]

into his business and divulging information
[No consideration that the students figured it out themselves?]

packed car he ended up in
[I note it’s rare to bring attention to the shock of going from a smaller, less-dense community to the packed Tokyo. Granted, you only have enough time for certain topics, but his quiet struggle with that could’ve been a humanizing element]

goes nothing" he said
[Even if it’s transitioning directly to/from a speech tag, dialog needs closing punctuation (though in the direct transition case, a comma replaces the period). You make this mistake several times, so I thought to point it out once]

your manners?"
A deep
[The dialog lacks attribution and by default a break to a new paragraph indicates a break to a new character so I thought either Justine or someone else was present]

Welcome to the Velvet
[If it’s before Igor’s replacement, there should only be Lavenza. If after, this Igor would say MY Velvet room]

taking her hand into his
[Despite the density, personal space is held in high cultural regard and so forward a move might cross several social mores. However, just setting his hand next to hers and ‘happening’ to make contact would have the same effect]

adults who exploited their position
[either ‘adult who exploited his’ or ‘positions’ depending on which plurality you want to focus on]

Chapter 3
Ikeda consider most important
[considered, to maintain verb tense]

I'm you friend"
[your friend,”]

the reject of society
[rejects]

he didn't have time to help her: he needed to save himself first
[A fast way to recap his personality as of this point. Also Shown above. Some writers say to only Show not Tell, but if you’re consistent the two can reinforce each other as long as too much Telling isn’t used]

suit befitting a king
[I was hoping for a military dress uniform, there’s a lot of similarity between Ikeda and Kamoshida, especially with the females serving a distinctly sexual outlet role and Ikeda leaking personal info]

what it was capable to do
[capable of doing?]

find Ikeda and silence him
[I’m surprised he never thought of altering the documents in this world. Maybe he didn’t think the effect would carry over]

curled around the sharp blade pointed
[It’s a laser saber, not a real one, so does it even have a blade?]

his own saber sword
[A saber is a sword, I think you meant ‘laser’ as it’s a differing descriptor?]

he couldn't definitely go telling
[awkward phrasing]

Wild Card. The only one
[My understanding is that he could force the app and create the conditions for awakening, but a Wild Card was its own unique thing. He seemed surprised by Akira’s ability]

person does no longer have a desire to pursue
[The shadow never seemed the desire, just the drive towards something. Maybe the justification for whatever ambition they clung to]

blocking his line of sight
[How do people shorter than him block his line of sight?]

Chapter 4
were in the forecast. Black clouds were
[I know your style uses a lot of passive, but this is a bit much in close proximity]

what he was capable to do
[capable of doing]

At first, he thought the kid
[This is either head-jumping or Author Intrusive Telling. The scene began from Goro’s perspective and he could suspect some of these things but not know them]

Loki had maxed out their abilities
[This only exists in games where variables have maximum digits to store data. In a more realistic telling, he might say they plateaued to indicate power without further growth]

were not very popular yet, if only among students
[Wouldn’t they be more popular among students? The latter segment seems to disagree with the former but I’d think that outing a corrupt teacher would make them MORE popular]

method they'd used
[All they know yet is that Suguru had a breakdown. Without being there, he can’t know anything except the teacher having a sudden, unexplained change in heart. Until Madarame they don’t have enough datapoints for a pattern]

Shido-san" Akechi reassured. "You'd
[Source Mixing: when you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph. Here you start with Goro’s words and tag, then jam Shido’s onto the same line]

obviously the only one in the team
[The audience knows this, but Akechi doesn’t until he observes. “the one girl” would seem a more fitting observation]

people intervened before
[interrupted?]

and then nodded
[It’s a pity that this opportunity to speak wasn’t taken advantage of]

he had never run into a Treasure
[In all his years and dozens of targets I find it odd that he’d NEVER have come across it, defenses pointing to it or mention of it]

Chapter 5
criticize the Phantom Thieves, yet you don't doubt their actual existence
[Wouldn’t he have to believe in their existence to criticize them?]

firmly. Besides, I'm
[“Besides]

moments of relax
[relaxation]

I never met my father
[It seems odd for him to volunteer this given Japan’s discrimination against out-of-wedlock children. An excuse would seem more expedient]

have his back massaged
[That’s hard to do without bindings. My physical therapist said to use a tennis ball in a sock]

then outside in the back yard
[The window opens to a balcony/ledge overlooking the same street you enter Leblanc from]

made Akechi fill
[feel]

Chapter 6
boss Junya Kaneshiro's bank
[This reads as if he only then discovered Junya’s bank, but implication later seemed strong he was bankrolling Shido in exchange for protection (perhaps diverting or underfunding the police)]

she can be influenced
[as in coerced as some outside parties thought the PTs were doing to targets? This seems very vague]

boy" the man chuckled evilly "
[Missing quite a bit of punctuation in close proximity. Also Telling – what is ‘evilly’? You’ve got enough room to describe and flesh out characters we see little of in the game]

it's a dirty trick
[This seems weak considering he’s been living in the conspiracy for years. “It’s a close target that could point to you” is one that might appeal to his selfishness]

his soul got
[was? Got seems too colloquial]

Phantom Thieves themselves enjoying
[But you said he sought a quiet place. That should take him away from the crowds and therefore the PTs]

our powers fused together
[fused seems the wrong word. Just together would work]

Please release next chapter already!

Some formatting issue with this chapter...

WOOO! Update! Best Halloween present ever! Alastor IS perfect for Akechi-kun and, yes, totally OP. The fight was awsome and, of course, looking forward to the date. What's going on in that mind of his...

This story got good already. Im hooked