Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

Praise Be The Emperor of Mankind!

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

And Bella119 is dumb.

Hybrid of Fate is nothing. She needs mental help.

cathrl, do u want to be my daddy? I won't promise to be a good girl :D

CrystalRei should quit.

Now onto the actual review:
Thirty minutes is just enough time to finish the sunset. 1693 gets the sunrise on his shift, and he can keep it. The sunrise is ugly. It's the dawn of another day—A reminder that our time is only beginning. But a sunset is a day finished. Another day down. One step closer to home.

A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic. :-)

Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

Praise Be The Emperor of Mankind!

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

And Bella119 is dumb.

Hybrid of Fate is nothing. She needs mental help.

cathrl, do u want to be my daddy? I won't promise to be a good girl :D

CrystalRei should quit.

Now onto the actual review:
This is justice.

Your ex is a psychopath. O.O

Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

Praise Be The Emperor of Mankind!

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

And Bella119 is dumb.

Hybrid of Fate is nothing. She needs mental help.

cathrl, do u want to be my daddy? I won't promise to be a good girl :D

CrystalRei should quit.

Now onto the actual review:
"And you agree that when a planet has gone around its star once, that we'd call that a year, right?"

Doctors say that children who were breastfed are usually healthier. T-T

Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

Praise Be The Emperor of Mankind!

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

And Bella119 is dumb.

Hybrid of Fate is nothing. She needs mental help.

cathrl, do u want to be my daddy? I won't promise to be a good girl :D

CrystalRei should quit.

Now onto the actual review:
3384 screams again. He's crying openly now—doesn't bother trying to hide it. "No! You can't—"

Tom decided to live by taking the absurdity of life to its full conclusion. ;)

Down with Critics United!

They are the cancer to our society.

The root of heresy needs to be burnt to crisp

with over thousand innocent souls without remorse or guilt thereafter.

No sacrifice is too great and no treachery too small.

Remember, we all are walking under the immortal shadow of Him.

His light shines so brightly, it will guide us to our foreseen destiny that is in our grasp.

A great moment we all should not pass.

Praise Be The Emperor of Mankind!

If you are on the same page, cp this message.

And Bella119 is dumb.

Hybrid of Fate is nothing. She needs mental help.

cathrl, do u want to be my daddy? I won't promise to be a good girl :D

CrystalRei should quit.

Now onto the actual review:
Intake's slowing—he's right about that much. I've been in the pit more this year already than all of last, and last year I was in more than the one before that. But we've got a fresh shipment coming in next week, and another three weeks beyond that. This drought is temporary. Unless you've got life, everything here is. "It's not a problem."

I don't want to live my life in fear. O_O

This is dog shit, winner of fic most suitable to wipe shit from an obese fanbrat asshole. You are a fucking retard for writing this.

Wow. This is incredibly depressing ... but strangely I love it xD. And that doesn't surprise me ... there is a lot to love in this story.

I think the best stories have a lot of themes that they explore. In particular, the man who died every night was an incredibly interesting concept - and how you woved that into the actual story itself was nothing short of professional. The idea that every night you die is one that holds a lot of truth - particularly when people say things like 'today is the first day of the rest of your life' and when people look back on their lives they feel like they're not the same person they were a year ago every year of their lives. The contrast between the positivity in that man and the bleak circumstances surrounding the protag make for an interesting story. And the way you worked the 10 year theme into the story was ... well ... bleak ... to say the least ... :D

And your prose - MY GOD YOUR PROSE - was something else. The little details in the prose like the "and yeah, there's comfort in that ..." or the "I deeply admired, and could never within myself achieve—charisma ..." are details that are repeated in different contexts throughout their sections and it's incredibly clever the way it's been put together.

Your characters are also on point. I used to think that my characterisations were always fairly good -like I felt character was a strong point in my writing - but mine are nothing compared to yours lool. And that's good - this is a good learning experience for me :). There's so many layers to each and every one of your characters. I love how the protag envies Zahid for his charisma and how he himself is not exactly a talker. I really REALLY enjoyed reading about him. He was incredibly three-dimensional as were all the characters. The prisoner who talked about his medical condition also seemed to jump off the page. The only exception I could think of is Aibhlinn who was good but she didn't bounce off the page like the others because there wasn't really all too much to differentiate her from other lover/wife archetypes.

I think the best stories are the ones that realise that life is not all roses and daisies, and bad things happen often. And the fact that you embrace this so openly shows not only your skill as a writer but grounds your story in a reality not far from our own. I'm not a fan of Star Wars - nor have I ever seen the movies however I related to the prisoners nonetheless. The best fictions give you an outlet to live as somebody else for a short while whilst not exposing yourself to the same danger that the characters are in. Almost enjoying danger from afar as it were. And you NAILED that in this piece.

There's very few works on this site that aim for - or if they do aim, then achieve - the level of quality in this fic. It's beautiful. It's incredibly well crafted. It's professional. It's emotionally engaging. And now I feel like my entry for this same contest pales a little bit in comparison :P 9/10 :)

Wow. Well, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, because you mention five years throughout the whole story and the summary, but I know you wrote this for the ten year challenge, so I kept reading wondering what was really going on and you finally revealed it in a very spooky way somehow. Akaal’s denial about the ten years was rather heart-breaking but also spooky. Might just be me? But the way he just completely refused to understand, and then ending the story with him writing a letter to Zahid and mentioning how he couldn’t remember why they had stopped writing was just so reminiscent to me of a nightmare being played over and over again – because, of course, the reason he stopped writing was probably the same reason Aibhlinn stopped, and yet he is just writing this cheery letter to Zahid as if nothing is wrong.

I like your writing voice. I can feel the character’s voice coming through the narration. And I like the way you explain things. It might perhaps border on a bit too much explanation / info dump, but it seems to fit with the voice, and is done in a way that doesn’t seem like an info dump. I think because the writing style reads more like a diary. So having the protagonist telling a lot of the backstory, instead of showing it, seems fine.

While I was reading I thought it was interesting how you kept repeating, “I’m not going to die here.” Almost as if it might be a foreshadowing. And of course, at the end, we understand why – he is going to die there. There’s almost a hint of the sheer denial he is going through. His thoughts are very single-minded in a way, the way he keeps focusing on the ‘not dying here’ aspect. Everything relates back to that. Almost like, in his subconscious, he knows the truth, but in order to not become mad with grief, he keeps comforting himself with the lie that he will not die there.

I think it was good that you explained why the protagonist gets preferential treatment when he is in the quarry – I thought he might be resented for having a cushier shift so without the explanation I definitely would have questioned that.

Nitpick: “And all I can wonder is, How many more of them…” I think the ‘How’ doesn’t need to be capitalised, or the whole phrase ‘How many more…’ should be in italics to show that it’s a thought.

“… but it’s another unspoken law among our community that 7747’s untouchable.” I did wonder when I read, “One of the few spoken rules between inmates is that you keep that to yourself,” whether you actually meant ‘unspoken’ instead of ‘spoken’, and here when you say it is ‘another unspoken law’ I think perhaps that is actually the case? Other than this unspoken law, you don’t mention any other.

“You’re not Mariah? Oh? I could have sworn…” Hmm, I feel that this paragraphs should be in speech quotation marks, because it’s not actually the protagonist who said them… but that’s just my opinion and I’m no expert!

“The problem with moving in with Aibhlinn” – I had to reread the previous, “When she moved in,” because ‘the problem with moving in with Aibhlinn’ sounds to me as if the protagonist was the one who moved into Aibhlinn’s apartment, while ‘when she moved in’ sounds like Aibhlinn was the one who moved.

All in all, I think this is a fantastic read. I love the twist at the end, I love the way you wrote it, and I was really caught up in this.

Hi DC20 -
I read short story scifi and this was like coming home. It's a lovely piece. I'm going to go through in order.

The opening is very strong. You had some lovely layered use of repetition, reinforcing the monotony of the prison. The 'And yeah —' sentences between paragraphs. The “I don't care...” ones, and the 'A or B' ones in the first paragraph. “Day in, Day out. Year after year after year.” in the third one. You even repeating back breaking and mind numbing between paragraphs. It was like a festival of repetition! Very skilfully done.

Is this a typo: “few spoken rules between inmates” Shouldn't it be unspoken rules?

Lovely touch with Akaal seeing the storms, and needing that as sign of freedom.

The first sign something is very wrong: 1693 saying 'You losing track of time already?' And at the same time no storm. You have some lovely foreshadowing throughout this piece, and also a lovely extended metaphor with the sunsets mimicking the mood/events.

The dialogue between 1693 and Akaal was natural. The frustrations of the coms, of just being a voice to each other, that came across very well.

Oh-oh. Grey hair, stress. This is where I start to think something is very wrong. And the vocab here: 'downhill', 'everything settles' – that really resonated and made me feel more uneasy.

Then he can't remember his argument with Aibhlinn. More unease!

This whole section, Akaal is convincing himself things aren't that bad, and clinging to hope. I wanted to shake him because he seemed to be too accepting of his sentence, and then you finish with: 'But I never deserved life here. And I don't deserve death.' So he's fighting it in his own way.

You were spot on with the pressure wave from the explosion causing injury. More ominous foreshadowing, with the mistaken conversion of the explosives.

Akaal is too calm, too unaffected by the whole amputation scene. He's so fixed on details. Here, something seems seriously wrong with him. You did an excellent job of showing the horror of this scene through the way 3384 acts, and the things the Skrilling says, even though Akaal himself is totally unemotional.

'All I can wonder is, How many more of them...?' – better with a colon perhaps? That line is chilling ironic though — we know whose got the biggest pair of blinders on here. Nice touch.

I love the contradiction of Akaal calling it a 'rescue', while 7747 is clearly affected by the gory scene.

The confusion over the time to the last incoming ship is a big clue that Akaal is spending way too much time alone watching sunsets. (You handled the unreliable narrator very well, unfolding it slowly.)

'pacific gravity' – peaceful gravity? Is that a canon thing? Didn't quite gel for me, because I couldn't imagine violent gravity.

'Zahid was my right hand before 7747 became my prosthetic' – I liked that, with the parallels to the amputation.

We learn that Akaal is good with numbers and detail — which made me question his mistake over the last ship, wonder if he was drugged or going mad.

His first meeting Aibhlinn was brilliantly written. You used the speech without quotations flawlessly. (It seemed odd that the first bit of dialogue had them, but that seemed difficult to avoid.)

I loved the: 'it's only a lie if you get caught' theme you set up here. I immediately suspected that was what Akaal was doing. Lying to himself, and ignoring anything that contradicted his utter faith that he was going to get out alive. Big clue to the unreliable narrator too.

The 'repeat, repeat' here echoed with the opening repetitions and the monotony — very powerful. This section left me wondering if he would have betrayed the Rebels or not. It's ambiguous, and I felt that was deliberate.

The man who believed you die at the end of every day — this felt out of place, but when I'd read to the end I realised it was there to foreshadow later events.

You wrote the 'diagnosis' conversation with 1693 beautifully. It was very subtle, very read-between-the-lines, and — finally! — we get some emotion from Akaal. Lovely extended metaphor here with the colours running through the conversation. Very telling thoughts from Akaal too: 'Nobody dies in the control tower … I'm not giving up … I'm not dying here.' Clues to his real feelings.

Ending this section with the sky turning black was very effective.

Nice description of the meeting room, and the clock. 'Give us hope and kill it as quick as it comes.' – Akaal is seriously screwed up!

'Her cobalt dress and pink pearls gave way to the beginnings of crows feet and smile lines.' I found that confusing – comparing clothes to her face. I guess it's what stands out to him, how he's going to remember her.

The meeting was very powerful. Very realistic to have them sit in silence, after so long apart - that awkwardness. I identified strongly with Aibhlinn; she was voicing the frustrations I had with Akaal. Thank goodness she had normal emotional reactions! I felt for her.

'blood from a severed leg' – I love that you had Akaal think that, when you very carefully didn't have him describe seeing it at the time, as if the amputation affected him subconsciously.

Interwoven with their argument you have Akaal caught up in his memories of her: that was well done. He's stuck in the past – or using it to block out what she's saying.

The complete willful refusal to understand the years, coming from someone that good with numbers — the only way to square that is that he's mad, really. I'm with Aibhlinn here — how the hell doesn't he get it?

He thinks of her as young again, then calls her a bitch - seemed too harsh, having those two things right together. But then, people don't like their illusions being shattered.

The ending is chilling. He's still refusing to admit it's been ten years, and I immediately assumed Zahid stopped writing either over the same argument or because he's dead...

After that, the letter didn't sound quite right - too chatty/ upbeat. Took away some of the power of that last section perhaps.

Overall a wonderful, powerful piece. Congratulations!

This has to be up there with some of the best sci fi short stories. I mean it. The scenes you've managed to create and the emotions invoked...just a superb piece of fiction.

This was absolutely beautiful!
I'm ashamed to say that I am probably one of the few that have never seen or read anything Star Wars, so I'm quite uncertain of what in here is canon and not.
But if feels as though you've created a whole world within this prison, with a level of detail that allows me to put myself in that place and imagine how it would be to be there.
I truly enjoyed that you put a twist in, regarding the five/ten year issue and I love how you finish it, with him still being in denial about it.
Absolutely beautiful!