I'm fandom blind here, but I've seen you around WA a lot and was curious about your writing.

I loved how you described Margaret's self-disgust over her actions. It was powerful and vivid, capturing that sense of shame you get when you've done something you know you shouldn't. But despite all of the reasons she knows she shouldn't be with him, her strong temptation for him - and the way his connection to the children made it harder for her to avoid it - is believable. It's easy to empathise with her.

My only critique would be that, in the first sentence, you use 'her' before introducing Margaret's name. The first time I read it, I had to do a double take to see if I had misread Peter's gender.

Fanfiction isn't real fiction writing.

So you have no right to claim Harry Potter or Bruce Banner or Captain America or Big Ed belongs to you and that I can't steal it. Marvel, DC has every right to demand people like you take their stories down and never be allowed to use them.

Darkin, dear! (hearts) finally stopping in to catch up on everything. Fandom blind of course but, since this is for my challenge, I wanted to see what you whipped up for it!

I think the title about says it with this one. Margaret is disgusted with herself and her affair with Peter, to the point that she feels the need to sneak down the hall to the bathroom and scrub herself raw – but later you have her knowing that she will want to have him again. I like the balance between her knowing what is "wrong" (says society/her repressed mind) and what is "right" (says her heart/what Margaret wants and who cares what society says). This, along with the whole moment of ironic disgust as she considers the color of her nightgown, gives me the impression that this is set in a time/place where women were expected to hold themselves up to some ridiculous moral standard. I particularly like how you illustrate the titular struggle in various ways – like how she feels that she loves him, even though he is potentially abusing her (or at least tempting her into BDSM-style sex at times), and also how she thinks of the Bible lesson she taught Miles about how one is marked for heaven or hell, depending on their behavior. That kind of routes back to the beginning of that balance between "wrong" and "right" – she knows it's wrong but to her it's right because it's what she wants.

I think what's particularly interesting is how we don't know what Peter wants if anything – I can't help but wonder if he's just leading Margaret on in order to have a willing, gullible partner to have fun with while it's convenient til he can find someone better in his book. what I love is that, even though you don't say that, Margaret's self-disgust makes me feel like that is prodding at the back of her mind and she is refusing for now to acknowledge it – because she is in love (or thinks that she is) and to acknowledge it would shatter her illusions. (Now I could be completely off base but it does make me wonder!)

Excellently written, dear :) sorry it took me so long to check this out!

Hiya darkin!

Fandom blind!

Re: Free Review Request from the Hostile Takeover forum.

This was a beautiful story. In many ways, it made me think of Luther Ingram's "If Loving You Is Wrong." I love that song so if this had been a songfic or a story based on a song and the emotions that the story's it produces.

I found myself pitying the lead character and as a religious person, I was able to relate to her struggle (despite having never been in that situation.) I could understand her wanting to be with someone and liking the sin she's done with him yet feeling bad about it all the same. The strength in this story the emotions that come from a character's POV without speaking; there's a power in hearing someone lie to themselves then come up with the truth in the end.

White was the color of purity, of innocence...of cleanliness. - I really enjoyed this line. It reminded me of classical literature in how she imagines that her nightgown's colour no longer fits her as she feels that her actions and desires have taken away that innocence. It's beautifully written and a woman of such high class, I can see her thinking that way.

Quint's hand prints. - Loved this lines. I love that she looks and sees the marks and immediately her brain relates it to what and where it came from. Yes, it's a desirous and yet hurtful memory because as a Christian woman (or as I assume she is), she knows that she isn't married to him and therefore this memory shouldn't even be there. Yet, it also reminds her that she enjoyed the moment when those bruises were created. In fact, she wants it more and more. Fantastic moment.

And it was then that she'd realized he knew she'd wanted more. And so had he. - This was the moment that I enjoyed most... the introduction of how the affair started. I am always looking for moments like this and when they're well-written, that's always a plus. I like that it started off "innocent" at first. She was only meaning to give her salutations and be on her way.

He was always around because of the children but soon enough, she was making excuses to see him when they weren't even around. I like that the desire was slowly becoming fertile and not something that immediately happened. She was enticed by her heart.

What makes this part most significant is that in many ways, he was the same way as her. He was just "innocently" telling stories to keep her around and they both came to the realization that they were both trying to keep the other around. They were in love.

She'd rather feel the pain of love than have to live with the pain of losing him, even if that meant that the closer she got to him, the closer it would bring her to Hell. - And the ending especially reminded me of the song I mentioned in the outset. Awesome job on this emotionally filled story.

Until Next Time,
Neo

First, I’m completely fandom blind so…

Second, this is a great challenge. I’m pretty sure I can master that. Lol.

I’m curious to know Margaret’s background. I love how she sees the act as vile and by extension, herself. If that doesn’t have the guilt card. She’s totally tormenting herself and it seems like for a just cause. Wait, is this consent? Or did he tie her up? Is there some agreement? Is this 50 Shades of Hiding?

Oh, he’s a grounds keeper. Whoa there. What an affair! Hopefully he’s good at trimming bushes or whatever sort of comment should go there.

I love how she was seeking him out and that he wanted the same thing. Maybe they can run away and be married.

Wow. I love how she just throws everything away for him. And is she sure of his feelings? What if he’s just cleaning out his pipes on the first availability? Is she really ready to give everything up for him? Would he be willing to do the same? In some ways I want there to be a sequel. I want to know what he’s thinking.

I do love how she’s a hypocrite through this though. Very nice job. Great internal perspective.

Hi, darkin! Just to say that I'm fandom-blind, but I don't think it'll hinder me in understanding this story. :)

This is a really deep exploration in guilt and self-loathing. I love how the color white from Margaret's nightdress reminds Margaret of everything, because the color white symbolizes innocence and purity. But she is no longer pure. I especially adore the part when Margaret washing herself with a bar of soap, not only because she needs to the traces of the abusive sex she has had with Quint, but it also ties with the theme of purity and cleanliness (I'm a softy for symbolisms haha). She is trying to 'clean' herself, but...of course her guilt can't be erased. The guilt is effectively shown on the part when Margaret keeps getting that haunting feeling as a result of what Quint has done to her. No matter how long/many times Margaret has washed herself, the feeling can't fade. She feels guilty about it, and she hates herself. She's already unclean, and it's impossible to be pure again. I really enjoy how all these build up the powerful angst!

Things wrap up really well in the end. Everything is consistent with the core themes: guilt and self-loathing. Although Margaret's relationship with Quint is a painful one, she still can't abandon him. She's obsessed with him, and even if she will get hurt and is damned for eternity, she won't mind. She just can't leave Quint.

A deep, gorgeous piece, darkin! :D

Hi, here from the review-tag game. I'm canon-blind for the movie and had to re-familiarize myself with the Henry James novel (through wiki.)

Interior-meditation fics can go off the rails, but this one doesn't. Miss Jessell's guilty attraction comes across loud and clear, especially when the social-class chasm between her and Peter gets paralleled with how much she enjoys their kinky sex.

One constructive-criticism point: In the fourth paragraph, the first sentence ends with [...determined to rid her body of the gritty feeling.] The second one ends with [...purge her skin of its offensive feeling.] Maybe just use "feeling" once.

The lack of dialogue wasn't a problem for me. Miss Jessel's thoughts are distinct enough, and the paragraphs are divided up enough, such that each burst of thought carries the reader along as well-flowing dialogue would.

The damnation theme comes through as well. It sounds like Miss Jessel's already resigned herself to her fate, which I pretty much guessed from your story. So, good foreshadowing, too.

There were some areas that were somewhere between grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that you might want to check ("left her room without another word to her," "and then that of Flora and Miles until she finally reached," "across her skin... determined to rid her skin," etc.). Admittedly, some of it's a matter of personal preference. (My apologies.)
With that said, the contrast between the ideal of "gentle" love, associated with "purity... innocence... cleanliness," and the reality of "pain coupled with... euphoric pleasure" formed an excellent backbone to the fic. The smaller emphases on class difference, physical sensation, and the desperate cleansing ritual showed the depth and complexity of Margaret's confusion, hypocrisy, and inner struggle.

Hi there m’darling! This is your prize review for the 2015 Reviewathon! I’m still fandom blind, as you already know, but it wasn’t really a big issue for me since you pretty much spell out what needs to be spelled out. I love the portrayal of attraction in this piece and how it dark and sinewy and dangerous and disgusting and shameful that it can make someone feel.

I’m looking at this piece and seeing it as the real 50 Shades of Grey. This does a much better job in my mind of delving into the seamier and dirtier world of human sexuality. Obsession is the key element here (at least in my interpretation) in this piece. Margaret is essentially obsessed with Quint and with the pleasure that he (shamefully) makes her experience during their trysts. She does love him in her own fashion (if that’s a derivative of the pleasure or from loneliness is something questionable). She also hates him, evidenced in how she’d never give him the time of day outside the walls of the house in which they live. It’s a twisted, dysfunctional and sexually abusive relationship that Margaret honestly doesn’t want out of when you come down to it.

This here: ((White was the color of purity, of innocence...of cleanliness.)) really drug me into the world of the piece and into the mind of Margaret herself. She’s just found herself drawn into that dark web of desire once again and sneaks off into the bathroom in order to wash away the evidence. As she stands there, she notices a mundane thing, the color of her nightgown. It’s white. A color associated with chasteness, with purity, with being clean. In her mind she is ((…far from any of those things now. Her skin)) literally felt as if it ((crawled with the grime of sin, of all the horrid, unspeakable things she had allowed Quint to do to her. What she had done with him.)) However, even as unclean as she feels, she cannot make herself break away from him. She continues to return to Quint over and over, giving him what he wants because at the core of it, she enjoys it.

I really loved this line here: ((Yet the moment she moved, her skin still crawled, the rasping ache wedged deep within its layers that no amount of scrubbing could relieve.)) because it shows just how much a person can literally revile themselves for the things they’ve allowed done to them… and allowed themselves to do. Margaret is not an innocent party in her own corruption. She’s played a part in it, reveled in it and enjoyed it. Yet, the moral fiber of her is repulsed at how she could allow those things to be done to her, that she could be coerced into doing such disgusting things in return and it makes her body literally shudder as the two sides of her mind try to work at understanding this vicious circle she’s walking.

For me, this: ((...she quietly made her way back to her room, hoping to still find it empty, since she never knew when he'd be back for more.)) is another way in which we see Margaret struggling with the two sides of her. The moral and uptight side dreads Quint’s return. And yet, even as she hopes he won’t be there, that he will leave her alone now for a while, she hopes that he is there and while ((…the thought repulsed her)) it also ((excited her all at once...and she)) ends up hating ((…herself for it.)) because she knows that she can’t fight it, him or herself.

I love the parallel here: ((She'd only just told Miles that afternoon that the good and gentle go to Heaven and the bad go and stay with the devil.)) of how good people who don’t engage in the wanton behavior that she allows herself to engage in will go to Heaven when they die but that those, like her, will end up going to hell. This suggests how she no longer sees herself as a good person, a moral and decent woman. Because of the things she does with Quint she is now a fallen woman and no longer worthy of ascending to Heaven when she passes. However, even as she skewers herself over her obsessive relationship she acknowledges how ((She'd rather feel the pain of love than have to live with the pain of losing him, even if that meant that the closer she got to him, the closer it would bring her to Hell.)) Simply, she’d rather burn than give him up. Even as she hates herself, reviles herself for the things she does and allows him to do to her, she can’t bring herself to walk away from the relationship; from him. And that is because she doesn’t want to be extracted from it.

In all this was a truly fantastic piece and I loved reading it! Fantabulous job, my darling!