leiko hissing at her boyfriend hiro hamada slap never scare me like that again

leiko gogo tomago hissing at saying to her boyfriend hiro hamada slap slap never do that again i almost lost my hiro hamada now i see what was going through your head when you told baymax to kill cahaghan i was going to kill the robber

gogo hissing saying to hiro slap next time put your helmet back on I almost lost my bf because you was distracted

crying I'm not crying you're crying baaaah

... Crying. Just... I am a sap that loves h/c and you gave it to me in a perfect, hurtful, comforting, tear jerking one shot. You need a Honey Hug! :D 10/10

Okay, um, yeah. There's a lot of good in here, but a lot of bad too, so let me see if I can break it down for you.

Strong opening! Good. No real criticism until the line “Immediately, Hiro collapsed,”. The wording of that line is a bit funky. If you hacked out “so he was” and instead make it two sentences, the second starting with “The kick sent the young man tumbling off of the edge and into the water, barely conscious,” it would flow a lot smoother.

The next paragraph is good, but at “In a second she furiously skated straight” should be “In a second she’d furiously skated straight”. The word “wood” not long after that should be replaced with “floor” or “dock” for clarity’s sake.

Wasabi should be “slipping” into the water, he should be diving (the dock is high above the water and that’s what he should be doing anyways after a drowning person). Your punctuation in the sentence “The criminal captured, Fred and Honey looked at each other in worry,” could definitely use work, as would the grammar. It’s a bit of a run on sentence. Also, I’d favor “he would’ve been burnt cinders” rather than “he would have daggers on every inch of his body.”

Seriously surprised no one even tried/thought of CPR, as well as not to cling to him tightly to warm him back up.

“All the months working together, they had got a few injuries each” should be something like “In all of the months they’d worked together, they’d gotten a few injuries each.”

The line “The six young adults had faced knives, guns and smashed bottles turned into weapons thrown at them as they attempted to make San Fransokyo a safer place everywhere, not just in the protected city” is… weird. You should hack out “thrown at them” because it just acts as weird speed-bump in the sentence and makes it harder to understand. I honestly have no idea what you mean by “not just in the protected city” either. Additionally, this paragraph and the one both before and after it should be one paragraph, not three.

The sentence “But this was the first time such a devastating crisis-“ is a run on, and you could very easily hack off all of it after the word Microbots. Just put a period after it and ditch the rest, since anyone reading should know that part it only serves to slow down the story.

The next bit where Honey and Gogo are freaking out (a bit) is good! I don’t see why Gogo wouldn’t check his breathing and/or attempt CPR after checking his pulse. Even if she doesn’t know it she should at least consider the attempt.

“Standing up, Gogo backed up towards Fred” doesn’t make sense. It should be talking about her walking angrily or menacingly or a slow roll on her skates/wheels rather than backing up. Rest of the paragraph is good though.

The “having had no friends to soothe him out of his raw grief like Hiro had.” Can be hacked off. Just put a period at the word “vengeance” and call it a day with that sentence. It’s a run on and we don’t need the last bit.

You can probably replace “she looked down at the guy with hatred again and” with “she glared down at the criminal and”, italicizing the word glared for emphasis. The rest of the paragraph sells the fact that she hates him even without using the word itself. Not much later, “she dare not express” should be “she dared not express”. Same problem in the next sentence of tense “the thoughts about what if the criminal had really got Hiro, and he did die” should be “The thoughts of what if the criminal had really gotten Hiro, and he had died.”

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Okay, skipping ahead a bit here because I can spend a long time at that. When Hiro was waking up starts off good, though you could add clarity about who was saying what in narration a hint earlier. The rapid fire speech after Hiro’s nightmare however should be interspersed with Hiro feeling them moving him about and doing things to break up the constant dialogue and avoid the “talking heads” problem you’ve got going on at this point.

Why did Hiro run to the bathroom like that? We’re not given an explanation. It’s *implied* that he went to throw up, but you should be more explicit about it during the action itself (and it’s likely Gogo would’ve gone into the bathroom with Baymax to look after him if she heard Hiro dry-heaving).

“Then again, maybe he shouldn’t have said he was fine when it was clearly not true” leaves me wondering where the fuck Hiro had said he was fine.

After the line “Well, uh, thanks for, um, coming to see me,” he said slightly awkwardly.” You go into heavy “talking heads” area. We don’t know what’s going on in the room, what the people are doing, or any thing about their posture, their attitudes, their tone, none of those things. We can guess, but we shouldn’t have to. You need more narrative and description to break up the dialogue. Not a ton, but some. (Also, Fred is an English major, he’d know what the word insufferable was and while he might make that joke, he’d do it knowing it was a joke).

Finally, while I feel the ending is strong, I actually think it’s out of character, especially given how anti “Tadashi is here” Hiro is during the movie. Tadashi is *gone* and the fact tears Hiro up, but there’s no denying that his brother is *gone*. Anything otherwise is just sappy stuff that Hiro doesn’t seem to want to hear.

Yeah. Tadashi would be very proud of his little brother, though also worried that he's doing something so dangerous.

This was amazing! I loved this!

That was AMAZING! Kudos to you :)

It's great! The feels :')

Heh. Hehe. *Not fangirling at all

WHAT AM I SAYING?! *jumps off the walls* It's official! You are my favorite BH6 author. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES FANGIRLS OHMYGLITCH YES. YAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS FOR HIRO!WHUMPAGE!