Gosh, I like getting inside the head of the baddies, but I never thought about what an orc was thinking. Quite inspired.

My favourite part was the pulse moving in the neck and the way it quivered softly as it swallowed. Very gruesome, but then it is an orc after all. We don’t expect morals, and you don’t quibble about the lack of them.

Actually this story kinda reminds me of the story that Galapagos tortoises weren’t presented to the Royal Society for such a long time, because they were so delicious. They were always consumed on the way home.

I’m surprised their masters relied on orcs to do their dirty work, they probably did this all the time.

As I said elsewhere, I actually read this ages ago, all the way back on Sharka's old Uruk-hai dot org web site, but it was fun reading it again, and I think I got a lot more of the humor this time around, and registered more of those nice character touches:

[Nidrak came up from my blind side, which is something I don't take from anyone but him...]
[He gave me a dirty look from between those tusks of his, but he did like he was told.]
[Pity, that... I *don't* think...]
[Phaarrg.]
[...he was so eager to spill his guts by then we hadn't the heart to stop him.] D'aww.

This narrator! What a voice. 8D Resentment of Big Bosses and tricky tarks, the Orkish knack for making do, that knee-jerk bellicose challenge and quick resolution at the end...

I was a little unsure of how to parse one sentence: [Me, I like them better easy meat.] I feel like a word is missing, or multiple words - fair enough for an ultra-casual Orc speaker, except I wasn't sure what the proper sense would be in this case.

Well, I figured we could test wires and I could see what Orcs think about at the same time. I was actually pleasantly surprised with how humorous this was. I don't know if it was meant to be humorous, but it was sort of like taking a peek inside someone else's skull and finding out they're just as messed up as you are. Only this person lives a little bloodier of a life. My favorite part, hands down, was the description of him consuming the near dead human. I have a soft spot in my heart for macabre moments like that one, and it fit the bill perfectly. Oh, and the first person really worked here, particularly at the end.
Well, thanks for a look at life from an Orc's perspective. Ckorkows

Well, that was dark. 0_0

Yeah, not much else to say, as there's not really anything I can single out in the fic particuarly to comment on. But it's good, as in, "damn, that's dark." Good dark though - you capture the orcs' mannerisms in both speech and actions well, and it manages to be dark through implied rather than overt horror. So, um, good.

Hey there Word :) just out and about browsing around today. To be honest, I've been wanting to review this story for a long time but I just haven't had the time until now. For reference, I don't remember much about LOTR canon sooo if I get something wrong, I apologize. On we go, shall we?

I haven't a clue about Orcs and their way of speaking, but I really love how you've done it here. There were some times that I felt it was just a tad bit...I don't know, off maybe? Particularly here with [...expecting us, see?]. Mostly likely I don't know what I'm talking about, but at any rate, I suppose that an Orc's voice is up to individual interpretation anyways :)

At any rate, the overall voice that you've given to this Orc works to bring about the humor that you're going for flawlessly. A line that I couldn't help but chuckle at was this one: [Looked like I'd broken this one]. And the follow up of needing [one that talks] made me really laugh for real.

And whoa, did the mood suddenly turn from funny to horror here with: [My jaws moved almost despite myself]. I mean, this was like whiplash and I quickly sobered up. But the humor quickly returned with [I don't think] and may I just that I love the emphasize of bold text that you put on [don't]. Very nice touch, design-wise.

Your ending was a great "how do you like me now?" moment directed toward the reader. I'm usually not a fan of when stories do this because they can feel so amazingly awkward and out of place, but yours works in that I find myself actually answering the Orc by going "nope, I didn't say a word..." This, Word, is a great close to what I would call a fantastic humor/horror piece.

Thank you for sharing this with us, you did a great job!

I found the mixture of invented ("tarks") and real ("scarper") slang a little unusual, especially given the style in which most of Tolkien's races speak. Granted, the pseudo-Cockney provides the tone and character you're going for, but I'm curious as to why you didn't pick an older accent.
The invisible listener (presumably the reader, another Orc) framed the story nicely and gave a reason for its abnormally casual tone. The unexpected point, the "souvenir" finger, was well-placed to remind the reader of the casual brutality of the Orcs. Generally speaking, you set an interesting balance between casual, humorous chatter and the pure horror of the narrator's actions.