Deep and too much dialogue for chapter 1

Whoa deep and too much dialogue

Hello there! This story have rather interesting plot and overall idea is nice, but your style of writing could be a lot better. What I'm thinking about is that you're describing everything. The main 'unspoken rule' of writing is not to describeit's to show. It's a lot, A LOT, more interesting that way. F.e: not "they received a letter", but maybe something like "They could make out a silhouette of a white owl on the sky, clutching a slightly crumpled, white piece of parchment." It's just and example, but it shows that you can make thing much more interesting and immersing. Also, it makes chapters longer. I think that you should write it again, but not as a tangled mass of information, but actual story with clear outline and events. But anyway, this story is NOT bad. It's interesting and I would like to read more. It's just my opinion on possibilities of improvement. Take care!

This story was so much better before Dx now it's short and not as good. Well, I don't like it because Allen basically loses his mind in the second chapter but otherwise it's okay.

I like this~

I like this. its really interesting. can't wait for more

So nice I really love this fiction

I liked this one a lot better than before, you do a much better job getting the characters in character. Though I don't know if I see Allen completely snapping from what happened. I do see it affecting him /greatly/, and for story purposes it worked well enough that I don't think you should change anything (as i REALLY loved the backstory you created) but i just don't think he'd snap that quickly, (it was kinda 0 to 100 fast and things like that have to build more, but i still like what you do for story purposes).

Out of curiosity, the school the went to in Japan before Allen regressed and Mana went coo coo for cocopuffs (i.e. crazy), was it a normal school or was it a magic school? Or will that be mentioned later? Anyway! Thank you so much for writing this! I really enjoyed it!

the last one,i'm sorry,buuuuuuut,even though i liked,it still was kinda like a train wreck(talking about the origenal). sorry! BUT,this one,(talking about the rewriten one)is MUCH,MUCH better! i love the part when Allen goes insane for a little while! it so AWESOME! i wonder if you're going to do that again? are you? if so,then,Hogwarts better watch out. well,please post more chapters soon! X3

This is turning out much better then the first posted version and its really enjoyable to read.

Well, bravo. It looks much cleaner than the previous work and it is so much more easily understandable. The characters are more in character than the past and it also doesn't sound like a 13 year old child writing it either.
Everything makes sense and it seems like you have the lore on both sides correct. If you have any difficulty with trying to understand either Harry Potter or D. Gray-Man, hit me up on this website: happybear135.

Bravo! Such a long chapter ! So is Allen gonna continue his fifth year or end up being a ... I don't know ? Really good plot you have there , keep up the good work !

This is really interesting, the explanation may be sudden with the whole truth but it's okay. I thought Cross would survive since he isn't someone that is easy to kill or that he could fake his death and escape like from the manga even though we still don't know if he is alive or not when he appeared in Allen's dream in the manga. Can't wait to read the next chapter soon, really can't wait to read the reaction of everyone back at Hogwarts.

I'm just going to write out how I feel. I didn't really want to express my feelings for this fanfiction because I am too gentle for that. But, because this was an experiment with how we would react, I know that I can safely say it without fear.
This was a train wreck. Everything was everywhere without a natural smoothness that I find in anything else. It felt as though you slapped it all together and thought it was good enough. The characters feel OOC, which I know that you put it in the summary, but this was ridiculous.
The end.

Ugh, I have no words...
It's just so OOC that it's not even good anymore, I don't even know why I read this.
UGH, you really need to work on being realistic, a little more in character(idc if the summary said OOC, this is ridiculous), and the plot. It's drawn out with details we don't need and isn't progressing at all. It doesn't make any sense and you would be better off rewriting the entire thing.