Hi people out there! The best things are at the bottom - the big paragraph-type things of words are really quite boring. Read them if you like, but skipping them will spare your time and your image of me.

Bellatrix: Beautiful Warrior

Voldemort: Run From Death

Voldatrix: Run From Warriors

Bellamort: Beautiful Death

Name: Amber

Age: 14

Bellatrix567 = Bellatrix (favorite character, plus putting a male character's name would look fangirlish); 5,6,&7 because those are the years/books she's active.

NOTE: I've always been one of those shitty authors prone to month-long hiatuses. Any poor soul who follows me is too familiar with this. That same soul may have noticed that this time I've disappeared for many, many months. Yeah. I'm going on a permanent hiatus. I have carpal tunnel syndrome and I really want to focus on my original novel, which I've been working on for three years now. The fact is I can write so many words before I'm in pain (though I usually am already from school), and I can't do both. So... sorry.

None of my stories are up for adoption, but feel free to steal my ideas. Seriously. You could probably do it better. And I'd like to read it.

NAGINI: Sorry, but I've had a lot of questions about her, so I figured this would be the best place to explain it. I tried to write a story about when Voldemort transfigured her into a human, but it was really and truly awful and I have some tiny demented sense of dignity, so I didn't post it. She's still the Nagini you know from the books, but Voldemort transfigured her into a human because . . . I don't actually remember. The snake wasn't very developed in the books, so I sorta created her personality . . . she was sarcastic and witty, now she's a bit more erratic. She dislikes wearing clothing - snakes don't - and she's exceptionally flexible, as her bones aren't as stuck in place as ours. She feels like an OC to me at times, but no one's complained yet.

Oh, wait, I was supposed to describe appearance . . . Nagini's got tan skin which in certain light looks green; a long, narrow face with thin lips; long dark hair; and grey-gold-green eyes. Yes, that is a color. Be silent. She's tall, muscular and flat-chested - what else does one expect from a snake?

Okay, this is terribly written and I'm sorry. But there you go . . .

Fandoms:

Harry Potter - Death Eaters and Marauders, but I only write the former

I've been recently addicted to Hunchback of Notre Dame and the sheer number of Sues is disturbing

Les Miserables is exceptionally long. The book. It's painful. I read 75 pages on Waterloo and I'm still not sure who the opposing English general was . . . but the movie/musical is beautiful.

Name of the Wind is I think my favorite novel, Wise Man's Fear is brilliant as well.

Same goes with Reign, Netflix only has the first season, and I was deeply unimpressed with . . . a lot of it. I'll save the rant.

Wheel of Time is amazing and I hate everyone except . . . well look below. I'm on Crossroads of Twilight. Mat is the true meaning of life.

Favorite Harry Potter ships (not in order)

Bellamort

All the canon stuff (not all of it I actively ship - I've never read a Hinny fic in my life, but I still support it more than any other ships with those characters)

Neville/Luna (Nuna?)

Bellatrix/Fenrir (as a one night stand thing when both are angry at the world and want to 'break rules' . . . I don't know. It's not an ongoing relationship)

Lucissa (I don't like either of them, but as a Death Eater fan I still read the fanfic sometimes)

Snily (if done properly - if not, it's better one-sided)

Remus/Lily (friendship fics are beautiful too, but sometimes I feel they have so much more chemistry than Jily or Snily)

Sevini (Severus/Nagini the Naga or transfigured snake. Kill me now)

Aberforth/goats

Least Favorite Harry Potter ships

Don't take offense if you like these - I'm not criticizing fans of these, I'm not trying to say the ships themselves are bad, I'm just saying I can't see them work.

Jily (I just lost all my support right here. I just hate James sooo much, he's only barely standable as a Marauder)

Dramione, Harry/Hermione, Snamione, Lumione (Lucius/Hermione), the list goes on. Just because Hermione is a female does not mean she is having sex with every single male out there and a lot of other females besides. I personally can't see Romione lasting more than a few years - she would find someone who reads and he would find someone who he can compete with (and win half the time)

Bellacissa, Bellamione, Snellatrix, Sirius/Bellatrix . . . same as above. She can barely stand Rodolphus.

Drarry

Snarry

Druna (She's so out of his league I can't even . . .)

Wolfstar (they're among my favorite characters, but I feel like them dating would mess up the chemistry of the Marauders. A lot.)

Favorite Harry Potter Characters

Hm...

I won't

Severus Snape

Nope. Not gonna.

Remus Lupin

Bellatrix Lestrange

I'm doing it . . .

Alastor Mad-Eye Moody

Ha ha!

Dobby

Yes yes yes I did it!!! Told you I could do it!!

Molly Weasley

Nagini

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. No, I can't to that . . . she's practically my OC . . . oh well . . .

Hermione Granger

Aberforth Dumbledore the Goat Lover

Albus Dumbledore the Sock Lover

...And I'll finish this after getting a good night's sleep.

Wheel of Time ships

Note that I am on Crossroads of Twilight, so I haven't read the fanfic for fear of spoilers.

Moiraine/Lan (I didn't want to . . .)

Nyneave/Lan NYAN

Chiad/Gaul (I must see where this goes!)

Bain/Chiad (all the Aiel terms confused me in DR, and I thought they were canon until Aviendha said something in SR. But they're just as great as friends)

Perrin/Faile (except when they get annoying)

MAT AND BIRGITTE ARE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND I LIKE THEM THAT WAY THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS PERFECT

I kinda love the different sexual maturities of the characters. Perrin is MARRIED, Mat has discovered this thing called sex and is determined to have as much of it as he can, and Rand is having middle school crushes on anything with tits. I guess they're better than Min and Egwene, though, who tend to fall in love after six or seven conversations.

Least Favorite Wheel of Time ships

Rand/anyone (he is not mature enough, and he's also just very stupid when it comes to romance. His stupidness spreads to anyone who has a romance with him - Aviendha used to be cool)

Rhuarc/Lian or Rhuarc/Amys (what I'm trying to say is both are fine on their own, but I really don't like the whole sister-wife thing mainly because there is no brother-husband thing. If Egwene could have her whole string of admirers just like Rand does, it would be . . . better)

Egwene/Gawyn (no one loves Gawyn)

Egwene/Galad (a negative number of people love Galad)

And . . . wow, I thought there would be more. I guess hating Min and Lanfear with a burning passion doesn't make the list longer.

Favorite Wheel of Time Characters

Mat

Birgitte

Cadsuane

Egwene

Loial son of someone son of someone

Moiraine Damodred Sedai (NOOOOOOOO WHY?)

Nyneave al'Meara (I'm terrified that the entire fandom will hate her, because in all honesty she whines quite a lot - twenty pages about the heat and none about Elayne's ter'angreal was really annoying - but she's still badass)

Lan Mandragoran Thom Merrilin

Er . . . places as of yet undecided. But those are the top six . . . seven. I can count, really I can.

Rand (when he isn't making those pathetic attempts at romance)

Rhuarc chief of the Taardad? Is that how it works?

Egeanin I-don't-remember-how-Seanchan-names-go

Leane Sedai (do we still call her that? Am I supposed to know her real last name by now?)

Bayle Domon

Faile

Moghedien

Perrin Aybara

Please don't kill me. Those books are big. I'll figure out how Aiel and Seanchan names go later.

l

l

Purebloods:

People who both read the books and watched the movies.

Half-Bloods:

People who only read the books.

Muggle-Borns:

People who only watched the movies.

Muggles:

People who neither read nor watched Harry Potter.

Dursleys:

Idiots who hate Harry Potter!

Death Eaters:

Purebloods who hate muggle-borns.

This thing is pretty cool because I am literally Severus Snape; half-blood Death Eater.

l

l

l

l

I am doing this because I have no life . . . DON'T READ IT IT'S AWFUL

1. SOME OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET THEM? A little bump-thing on my neck; I got it when I got in the middle of a dogfight. I got an adult tooth knocked out as well.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? A mirror and some fae and dragons I've scrollsawed.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? Apparently I asked for toothpaste when I was hooked up to an iv . . .

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Folk rock and Celtic - Blackmore's Night, anyone?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? I want to say fiveish, but I have no idea.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? My muse for the fantasy novel I'm writing died yesterday and I want it back.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? My muse. Seriously, I'm on break and I can't write. It's so frustrating.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S) The macbook I got last week, my almost-completely-hardcover Harry Potter series (PoA is paperback), Wheel of Time and some other big books.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5'0. Same as I was in sixth grade.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? No, but when I read about being stuck in so much as a closet . . . *shudder*

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Haha, not unless I've recently watched a horror movie.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? I don't actually re . . . oh. Robert Jordan. He killed my favorite character while I was in a class full of assholes, so I cried pretty quietly.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL? I am aware that perfume is the one you spray. This is the full extent of my awareness.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Dark hair, any eye color is fine. I'm really more interested in what they read.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO? No idea, as most men who would want to put up with me their entire life have already been confined to an insane asylum.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? I don't especially like either . . . smoothies, anyone?

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Pineapple mushroom

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I want a frappuccino.

(what happened to 19 and 20?)

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED? Define 'meaningful'

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? Yes, many people, only they aren't real.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? I wish

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? I prefer the type you wear and the bras that work.

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? A few too many . . .

27. WHAT KIND IS IT? Three turkeys, four ducks, one chicken and one very stupid bantam rooster; four dogs, three pitbulls and one lab-mix; two sparrows; and lots of fish.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? I have yet to get an actual crush on someone, so instead I choose someone to have a crush on . . . let's say no.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Send them a picture of Gollum saying "you are my precious."

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 3.14159626353897932384626433832795028841971693993 I DID IT and copy-pasted nothing!

31. BLONDS OR BRUNETTES? Brunettes

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? My mom. I am not a social flower.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? All those stupid people, Twilight, and James Patterson.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? I go to Canada every year.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? I can't talk to people. At all. There are times when I literally can't say "stop it."

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? That author of Pendragon . . . and no, I haven't read Pendragon.

37. FIRST JOB? I'm 13, so I'm not old enough yet.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? No, but Nagini did.

41.WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT? Looking for my muse.

40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? No.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My hair, the birthmark in my eye, and my disturbingly muscley calves.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? Yes. Don't break the farthest brackets, kids, it HURTS.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? I'm actually pretty content with my possessions right now . . . probably a Harry Potter sweater/shirt

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? However many my husband wants. I mean, I'm locking them out of my room or just spending the day at cafes, writing, so he's the one taking care of them. Probably a lot, so I can name them after all my favorite characters. Then again, I'll probably accidentally cook them for dinner or something, so none might be a better choice. Yeah, let's go with none.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I was named after the stop codeon my grandfather helped discover.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? I'm not sure . . . VS or something

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It's swoopy swirly cursive, so I like how it looks, but I get really bad hand cramps from the computer, so I hate handwriting.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey.

52. ANY BAD HABITS? I avoid humans whenever possible.

53. WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF? I use YouTube and spend my money on books

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? No way! I'll never be that desperate!

56. DO LOOKS MATTER? There are more important things in life.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Run.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My baba's house.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? A very old, very beat-up blue rubber lizard named Lizardy. I think I still have him, melting away in some plastic container in my closet.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? Ten or fifteen or something . . . I rarely use it.

62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID? No

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Sarcasm is my friend

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Macaroni and cheese all the way.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? If you haven't read Harry Potter, you're out. Otherwise I like for them to be nice and somewhat easy to talk to.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Amburger. Don't ask.

67. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE BAND/SINGER? Heather Dale, S.J. Tucker, Suzanne Vega and Blackmore's Night

68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? Robin Hood BBC or Lost

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate . . . I'm original

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? I used to have thirty, but ten of them have just fallen off over the years . . .

72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? I ran two miles yesterday

73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #69? Yes

74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR? Don't know

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Sure, I might not always read them but it's a good way to know people better.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? "Taglio" by S.J. Tucker

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK? Water?

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mom . . . wasn't this question here before?

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX? Er, their hair? It's kind of right there, on top of their head, you know.

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? Something by Suzanne Vega.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? Twilight and Draco Malfoy and Min (from WoT) and James Patterson and James Dashner (author of the terrible NaNoWriMo called Maze Runner) and . . . the list goes on.

82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? October - Halloween!!

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN? Let's pretend I know about all of them . . . Pisces, because the word "fish" is fun to say. Fish. FISH FISH FISH FISH FISH

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? Dark brown, but it gets lighter as it goes down due to some stupid hair-dying I did in fifth grade.

86. EYE COLOR? Dark, dark brown, almost black, with a dark birthmark in my right sclera.

89. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? Eegee's, but it's only in Tucson, so probably no one knows what it is.

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? Love it

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? Hunchback of Notre Dame

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? October 31st.

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? Piano, but I'm mediocre at best

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? My family are Democrats, so I guess I'm one too, but I don't know enough about politics to have very strong opinions.

95. KISSES OR HUGS? Hugs

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships. You don't remember all the details when you read at night.

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Gatorade and a Luna bar from the vending machine?

98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE? I don't drive

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Wise Man's Fear (Kingkiller), Crossroads of Twilight in the Wheel of Time series, the Iliad, The Once and Future King, Les Miserables (75 pages about Waterloo), The Subtle Knife in His Dark Materials, Game of Thrones but I gave up because the sexism messed with my writing, Eragon because it improves my self-esteem . . . too many books.

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE: Books. And one time this guy liked me in sixth grade, heaven knows why. And books.

And since I've probably already convinced enough people not to read the rest of this, and bored those of you who don't think I'm too weird or bitchy, I'm going to tell you to read the rest of my *cough*plagiarized*cough* collected profile!

l

l

l

l

Evrywone hus bin saeing taht spalnig duzn't mater wen thay passt tnigs lieke thes, beecuze the hooman eye duzn't reed evry lettar but the wrod as a wohle, so theirfoure yoou olny huve to get the frist and lsat lettar corekt. But if yoo're trieeng to supll 'psyco' and yoou dun't konw huw, yoo'd porbably supll it 'syco' or sumthnig lieke taht, if yoou dnu't konw taht the frist letar is aktuly a P. Suplleeng dus matar, yoou heave to konw the frist and lsat letar of the wrod (and hoaw meny letars is heas, beecuze 'the' and 'there' booth sartt wtih T and eand in E).

A lot of people have been posting their religion/beliefs on here. I'm Jewish and atheist (I celebrate all the holidays and traditions, but I'm not religious).

l

l

l

You know your addiction to Harry Potter is getting dangerous when you've added words like "Voldemort", "Hogwarts", and "Marauders" to your computer's dictionary. If you have done that, copy this into your profile. . . . . oh, darling, those have been on there for years. Only recently, however, have I added the word "Muggleborn" (I only write Death Eater fanfic, so I use "Mudblood")

l

l

l

l

Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school

He told his friends that it was cool
And when he pulled the trigger back
It shot with a great crack
Mummy I was a good girl
I did what I was told
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold
But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye
I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry
When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another
And all because he got the gun from his older brother
Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much
And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister that she is the only one now
And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best
Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest
Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class
And never to forget this and please don't let this pass
Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this
Mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss
And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try
I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry
Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest
But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest
Mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack
Mummy listen to me if you would
I wanted to go to college
I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with daddy
On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married
I wanted to have a kid
I wanted to be an actress
Mummy I wanted to live
But mummy I must go now
The time is getting late
Mummy tell my Chris
I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date
I love you mummy I always have
I know you know it's true
Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you"
In memory of the Columbian students that were lost
Please if you would
Pass this around
I'd be happy if you could
Don't smash this on the ground
If you pass this on
Maybe people will cry
Just keep this in heart

l

l

l

And after that depressing poem, let's read about

THINGS TO DO AT WALMART...

1. Get 24 bras and randomly put them in men's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. (due to my perverted mind, I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean...)
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream... "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"
17. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
18. Challenge people to duels in the back aisles with wrapping paper tubes.
19. Have a conversation with yourself loud enough so that people in the other aisles can hear you.
Repost this if you laughed...
Or are planning to do any of these things

l

l

l

l

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (But that's the only time that I can do my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ("Shoplifters' special?")

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (Which is...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's so much better with all the icicles!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Hold it over your head while reading the bottom. Duh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But that just speeds up the process!)

On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions: "Put on fork and eat." (Detailed)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Yes, things would be much better if we didn't have five-year-olds driving bulldozers...)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And I'm taking this why...?)

On Artificial Bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits." (Because that makes sense)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to...?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (The other use... tell me more...)

On Sunsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Thank goodness for the instructions, I could never have figured that out on my own)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (What, seriously? What a rip-off!)

On a can of bug spray: “Harmful to bees.” (But I didn't want to kill the bees! I just wanted to kill all the other bugs in the world)

On a TV remote control: “Not dish washer safe”. (But it's dirty!)

A New Zealand insect spray: "Not tested on animals." (We just make sure it kills plants)

A VCR box says: "Instructional video on hooking up your VCR included." (Go to the neighbor's house to watch it)

A can of self-defense pepper spray: "May irritate eyes." (Aw, damn it, I was using this to keep my mascara in place)

A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." (But they have so much fun in there! You can hear their screams of joy from the neighbor's house)

A popular manufactured fireplace log: "Caution - Risk of Fire." (Isn't that the point?)

A rubber ball toy: "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." (Wait . . . really? Are you sure it's a small ball? Because I certainly can't tell . . .)

A baby stroller: "Remove child before folding." (Oh, so that's why it's not folding!)

A pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." (oh, I thought they had a force field)

A Fruit Roll-Up snack: "Remove plastic before eating." (But that adds the extra flavor)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Just use someone else's and it's all good)

l

l

l

l

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

l

l

l

l

I wish you were here...
In my room...
On my bed...
The lights are off...
We go under the blanket...
AND I SHOW YOU MY NEW WATCH THAT GLOWS IN THE DARK!!
...What on earth were you thinking?!
YOU PERVERT!!

l

l

l

l

Men are like...
...place mats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

...government bonds

they take so long to mature.

...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

...mini skirts
if you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...handguns
keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.

l

l

l

l

REMEMBER WHEN ..

getting HiGH meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was c0otiEs?
'm 0 m' (was your hero)
and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?
when your W0RST ENEMiES were your siblings
and rAcE iSsuEs were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?

Put This In Your Profile If You're Still 5 Inside

l

l

98 percent of authors confuse "you're" and "your". If you're one of the 2 percent who knows how to tell them apart, copy and paste this into your profile.

FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together.
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together.

Man: Your eyes, they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I can tell you want me
Woman: Ohhhh, you're so right, I want you to leave

Man: Hey baby, coming my way?
Woman: No, I'm heading that way, towards the door.

Man: "I see you looking at me."
Woman: "No, I'm looking at the guy behind you."

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.

Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter

Man: Can I buy you a drink?

Woman: Actually, I'd rather have the money.

Man: Will you go out with me this Sunday?

Woman: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

Man: Go on. Don't be shy. Ask me out.

Woman: Go out.

Man: I think I could make you very happy.

Woman: Why? Are you leaving?

Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

l

l

l

l

Lost your pen=no pen

no pen=no notes

no notes=fail

fail=no diploma

no dipoma=no work

no work=no money

no m no food

no food=skinny

skinny=ugly

ugly=no love

no love=no marriage

no marriage=no children

no children=alone

aldepression

depression=sickness

sickness=death

LIFE LESSON: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LOSE YOUR PEN. YOU WILL DIE.

l

l

l

l

What makes life 100 percent?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100 percent? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100 percent. How about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96

but:

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100

and:
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you...

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118

Think about it... and have a nice day at work... :)

l

l

l

l

My Mother Taught Me…

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why. "

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 8

. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

l

l

l

l

MORSMORDRE!

...(O..O)
...A"""A_
(..(.l..l.)..)
.\..\l..l/./
... V.l..lV
.(..(.l..l.,).)
..\..\l..l/./
…..V,l..lV
…,..,..l..l_._./O\
...,..,...\_._._._/l

THIS IS THE DARK MARK.

All Death Eaters, copy and paste it into your profile immediately.

(I honestly don't see the resemblance...)

Long live the Dark Lord!

l

l

l

l

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask, "Do you want fries with that?"

4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field of all your checks, write "For marijuana."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the Prophecy."

9. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a 'Diet Water' whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.Specify that tour drive-through order s 'To Go.'

12. Sing along at the Opera.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner,"Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

l

l

l

l

Seven Ways to Scare your roommates

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

l

l

l

l

How to Shop at a Clothing Store

1. Hide in the behind the clothes rack and scream, "Buy me!!!"

2. Sneak behind the till and yell to the shopkeeper, "I'm a duck! Where's my grapes???"

3. Blow bubbles onto the clothes.

4. Get an iPod and play Mickey Mouse Clubhouse songs. Sing along really loudly and out of tune.

5. Go to the bathroom and lock your cubicle. Climb onto the toilet seat and over the cubicle wall into the next cubicle. Then lock that one and climb over the wall. Repeat it over and over again till there aren't any more left. Then go under the toilet door and run out before anyone notices what you've done. Wait till you hear someone shout, "I can't get into any cubicles!"

6. Hum Bob the Builder theme tune really loudly.

7. Yodel.

8. Propose to a stranger.

9. Tell everyone that you were born in the lift.

10. Draw a circle around you and tell everyone that it's your personal space.

11. Go to the dressing rooms and pull open a curtain. Then say, "Oh whoops!"

12. Slide down the stairs yelling, "VIP coming!"

13. Take some sunglasses and do a fashion show.

14. Pretend you're a plane.

15. Pick up loads of dresses and put each one in its own trolley. Bring all the trolleys to the till and queue them behind all the other people. Spend ages buying them and keep asking the shopkeeper questions and chatting. Then when you've bought them all, return them, repeating the process.

16. Pretend you're Dobby and keep imitating him ("Dobby is a free elf!").

17. Go 'ding' every time time the door opens.

18. Get a cloak with a hood and stand next to the till, watching everyone and muttering, 'Nearly time... I've waited so long...'

19. Dress up as a cat and start prowling around.

20. Have trolley races with you and an imaginary friend.

21. Go to the security cameras and use them as mirrors. Pick your nose and eat it.

l

l

l

l

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that
hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has
legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed
at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites,
and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were
allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun
marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay
couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to
marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs
more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight
parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like
ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country.
That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model
at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents
to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could
never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to
cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...

l

l

l

l

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

l

l

l

l

5 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it

3. The first truth is a lie

4. You're smiling right now because you know you fell for it... (Idiot!)

5. You still have a stupid smile lingering on your face

These things took me over a year to *COUGH* plagiarize *COUGH* collect...

It's you and me against the world... we attack at dawn.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, THINGS COULD GET WORSE. WHEN THEY ARE AS WORSE AS THEY CAN GET, IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER.

My knight in shining amour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

The road to success is always under construction.

Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.

When life gives you a lemon, throw the lemon back and demand chocolate.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I live in my own little world - but it's okay, they know me there.

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's actually a meteor hurtling toward Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my super powers.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Oh, I have a photographic memory... it just hasn't developed yet.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" and a little voice in my head says "This is gonna take more than one night..."

The buddy system is essential to survive, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

I live in a world full of bunnies and unicorns. But those bunnies are cutting themselves and the unicorns are acting all emo again...

Slinky Escalator Endless Fun

The rules only apply if you get caught.

I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the w's.

A true idiot climbs a glass wall to see what's on the other side.

I used all my sick days so I called in dead.

Don't worry about the end of the world coming today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Engineering: 'How will this work?' Science: 'Why will this work?' Management: 'When will this work?' Liberal Arts: 'Do you want fries with that?'

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman.

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

Death is God's way of saying 'you're fired.' Suicide is human’s way of saying 'you can't fire me, I quit.'

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I hear your silence loud and clear.

Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?

Procrastinators: the leaders of tomorrow.

How can I miss you if you never left?

I'm not with stupid anymore!

You're my best friend in the whole world. I would do anything for you. And since I know you would want me to stay safe, I'll trip you if zombies start chasing us.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyways.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me...

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls… and poles… and other stuff…

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

You call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog, dogs bark, bark grows on trees, trees are a part of nature, nature is beautiful. Thanks for the compliment.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

Therapist The/rapist... scary thought…

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

Nobody believes you'll slap them with a rubber chicken until you do so.

Tell the truth and run.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

When angry, count to ten; when very angry, swear.

Education is important; school, however, is another matter.

I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was you.

MENtal anxiety, MENtal breakdown, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... Did you ever notice how all of our problems begin with MEN?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

She who laughs last didn't get it, and she who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.

Why do people say, “You can't have your cake and eat it too?” Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

When life hand you lemons, throw those lemons right back at it and tell life to make its own damn lemonade.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Don't mess with me, I've got a stick.

People like you are the reason I'm on medication.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

May God have mercy on my enemies, 'cause I sure as hell won't.

Who ever said anything was possible never tried nailing jello to a tree.

I swear, officer, I didn't punch him, I just high-fived his face.

Diapers and politicians must be changed regularly, for the same reason.

The IQ and life expectancy of the average man recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.

Stupidity can hurt, I broke a rib laughing at you.

You are living proof that a man can live without a brain.

You? Die? You're too mean to die.

Okay, that was amusing at first, but now it's somewhat scary.

We should have thrown you in the dungeon years ago.

Or we could eat you. I never had rat before, but with the right sauce, who knows?

You'd think such a little mind would be lonely in such a big head.

At last! My plans for world domination are complete! MUAHAHAHA? Oh look, something shiny...must go look.

"Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED. Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year... he died laughing."

If you can't fix it with duck tape, you haven't used enough!

9 out of the 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane.

Keep smiling; it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.

I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the body's natural desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.

I've always wondered why people bang their heads into brick walls . . . then I met you.

Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.

To put it nicely, I hope you choke.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot.

When life gives you lemons, build a lemonade stand and use the profits of your business to buy a machine gun. Let's see if life makes the same mistake twice.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... now where the heck am I?

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

At least I don't CARE what those mindless people think of me.

This world is full of crazy people. THEY MADE ME THEIR LEADER!!

A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

I'm here because Heaven wouldn't take me, and Hell was afraid I'd take over.

I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do, kill me?

When I'm at Death's door, I'm going to ring the bell and run like mad.

Boys are like slinkys; useless but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Get to know your stalker, they'll be there for a while.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

When Life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS.

Therapy pays off later; screaming obscenities and beating the shit out of people pays off now.

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put in the loony bin?

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and bitchslap that motherfucker upside the head.

He said I love you, I sneezed and said sorry I'm allergic to bullcrap.

Instant idiot; just add alcohol.

You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun sitting on your shoulder.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it's gone.

There are very few problems that cannot be solved using a large amount of explosives.

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

"Go to hell!" "Been there, done that, got bored, bought a t-shirt, came back."

When I argue with myself it's normal. It's when I argue with myself and I LOSE that it's weird.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

I'm sorry, how many times did your parents drop you when you were a baby?

I never can forget the first time we met, but it doesn't mean I'll stop trying.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else; it's good to give our used toys to the less fortunate.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

The cops never find it as funny as you do.

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

I only seem like a smartass 'cause I'm surrounded by dumbasses.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did; in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

One way to find out if something works: push all the buttons.

A man is like a deck of playing cards. You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to kill him and a spade to bury him.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

One day your prince will come. Mine? He took a wrong turn, got lost, and was too stubborn to ask for directions.

It's always the last place you look for it... of course it is! Why would you keep looking if you found it?

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have.

Note to self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

My favorite word is sarcasm.

Please don't drop cigarette buds on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.

God created boys before girls because every true artist creates a rough draft before a masterpiece.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

Women talk because they have something to say; men talk because they have to say something.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

If you want to look young and thin, hang around with old fat people.

I see regular people!

Never judge a book by its movie.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

1 day of coal, 364 days of fun. I think I'll take my chances.

Everything is funny as long as it's happening to someone else.

We must never, ever be mean to stupid people. If we are, they might go away. Then who would we laugh at?

If Walmart is lowering their prices everyday, how come the store isn't free yet?.

He just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Sarcasm doesn't work on a sarcastic person.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Don't underestimate me, pal. See this smile? It's not really a smile. It's a distraction so I can punch you in the face.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

What hair color do they put down on the driver's licenses of a bald man?

Some people just need a high five... in the face... with a chair...

I'm not littering... just donating to the Earth.

(Someone boring talking to you) "Hold that thought, I need to do something." Walk over and stare at a wall: "Yup, a lot more interesting."

I used to think that the whole world was against me. Now I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

It's funny--the people who want quiet are always the loudest getting people to shut up.

I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you... you're just not laughing.

Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. I'm not sure about the universe.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

You know you're stressed out when you can hear mimes.

A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Never go to bed angry; stay up and plot your revenge.

Children in frontseats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children...

A B C D E F G, I will kill your family.

I say this because I care for you: GET SOME HELP!

When in doubt, poke it with a stick. When very doubtful, be sure the tip of the stick is on fire.

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and completely replaceable.

Boys are like skateboards; they can go fast, but usually they're pretty slow.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

He added two and two together and very elegantly got five.

I'm not asking you to vote for me, I'm just asking you to check the box next to my name.

It is better to close one's mouth and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Life isn’t passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept!

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide.

Smile. It confuses people.

It's not a complete day unless I scare the crap out of one of my friends.

How come parents always say, "Don't take candy from strangers," but on Halloween, it's encouraged? Am I the only sane person?

A wise MAN once said, "I don't know, go ask a woman."

I'm not retreating, I'm just advancing in the opposite direction.

Words may hurt me, but sticks and stones will bounce off my force field.

It's so simple to be wise! Just think of something stupid to say and then say the exact opposite...

Love your enemies, it pisses them off.

I could never learn to like him, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.

And just when I found the key to success... someone goes and changes all the locks!!

I used to have a handle on life... and then it broke.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt!!... then it's hysterical.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel... just pray it's not a train.

Don't blame yourself. Let me do it.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it'll be hard to pronounce!

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

You are not as bad as people say; you are much, much worse.

Now we know why some animals eat their own children.

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

Work fascinates me. I sit there and watch it all day.

Talk is cheap, but that's okay, so are you.

This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

Learn from your parents' mistakes; use birth control.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.

People say you can't live without love. I think oxygen is more important.

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

Light travels faster than sound. This must be why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

I'd like to see from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm too tired to punch you. Would you please run your face into my fist repeatedly?

Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I'll pray a thousand prayers for thy death.

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Don't judge me 'cause I'm quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, wish I could hit you with my car...

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.

The one who smiles when all goes wrong has thought of someone to blame.

If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.

Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!

Boys: can’t live with 'em, and it’s illegal to shoot 'em.

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

I have PMS and a gun... now what were you saying?

You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

If we can put one man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?

If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

'Oooooh...a life. Where can I download one?'

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.

My friend thinks he's smart, he said onions are the only food that can make you cry. I threw a coconut at his face.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Confucius says: Man who stand in middle of road get hit by bus.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Some people are like clouds; when they disappear, it's a brighter day.

You can ask permission now or beg forgiveness later.

Reality is more fun when you make it up.

Never regret what once made you smile.

Stupidity killed the cat, curiosity was framed.

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

The difference between humor and tragedy is that humor is when it happens to someone else.

Shock me... say something intelligent.

Everyone's entitled to be stupid, but you're just abusing the privilege.

Remember what you just said because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and then you'll be sorry.

You're not yourself today; I noticed the improvement immediately.

Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to make it work again.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

If everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something.

Life is just one bad thing after another. Unless it's a bunch of bad things all at once.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I am on a quest to the deepest darkest corner of my room in search of what some might call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends, I may not return alive.

Anyone who says easy as taking candy from a baby has clearly never tried it.

When you're right no one remembers, when you're wrong no one forgets.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, "Where did I go wrong?" and a voice answers back, "When you decided to shoot the idiots rather than blow them up and got us thrown in jail."

At my lemonade stand I shall give you two glasses; the first is free, the second if five dollars because it contained the antidote to go with the first.

Happiness is when the dentist says it won't hurt a bit, and then gets his hand caught in the drill.

I like you; when the world is mine your death shall be quick and painless while the others are suffering.

I please only one person a day; today is not your day and tomorrow isn't looking so good either.

I see you're playing stupid again, looks like you're winning.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

One day, we will look back on this day, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound that they make as they go by.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional.

My imaginary friend thinks you have issues.

Reality is more fun when you make it up.

Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.

Rules are like paperclips. Meant to hold things together, fun to bend, and easy to twist out of shape.

I am on a quest to find my sanity; this could take a while.