Techie phlebotomist extraordinaire, coming soon to a continent near you! For the introductory price of just one smile, she'll fix your 360's red ring of fire using only the tools on her key chain while you wait for your lab results. Or maybe she's just torquing out of her arse -- who knows?

If I claimed to be a fanfic-reading virgin, that lie would secure me a comfy seat next to Mrs. T. D. Gaines-Crockett in Hell, but indulge in a little rephrasing and voilà! Until very recently, I could count the number of unpublished stories I've read using one, two, three... seven fingers. But now I'm beginning to lose count, all thanks to a few extremely talented writers who unwittingly lured me into the realm of other people's 'what ifs'.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my stay here so far -- thanks, guys!

(I'm not as arrogant as you think, I just abhor filling out blank profiles, and I'm on the rag.)

Stories? I'm really not much of a writer, but I allow myself to indulge in a few scribbles when the mood takes me, though I doubt they'll be posted here any time soon. Here's what's going on at the moment:

Completed

El Vino Collapso // Dragon Age // Isabela/Merrill // T // Posted // Isabela's hungover. Luckily, Merrill's not.
Tell Me Tomorrow // Dragon Age // Isabela/Merrill // M // Not posted // Merrill takes a disease-ridden Isabela out to sea for one last hurrah.
Shit Out of Lux // Doctor Who & Portal Crossover // River/GLaDOS // T // Not posted // After purchasing CAL from the financially ruined Lux family, Aperture Laboratories uploads a certain professor's consciousness to their remodeled Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System.
That Was a Joke // Mass Effect & Portal Crossover // EDI/GLaDOS // T // Not posted // In the depths of AI Hell, GLaDOS is tasked with drumming a sense of humour into EDI, all day, every day.

Multi-Chapter WIPs

Officer Down // Rizzoli & Isles // Jane/Maura // M // Posted // Maura mistakenly guns down Jane and is forced to deal with the consequences.
The Adventures of Slattern and Prig // Dragon Age // Aveline/Isabela/Merrill // T // Posted // As a last resort, Aveline turns to Isabela for help when Kirkwall's answer to Jack the Ripper begins stalking the streets of Hightown.
Croeso i Caerdydd // Dragon Age & Torchwood Crossover // Merrill/Gwen // M // Not posted // Merrill fixes the Eluvian and steps through the Rift... straight into Gwen Cooper's living room. What are the chances, eh? As Merrill adjusts to life in 21st century Cardiff, she slowly discovers that their voices aren't the only thing she and Gwen have in common.
Save Me a Sausage // HEX // Thelma // T // Not posted // A collection of non-linear Thelma escapades.

One-shot WIPs

Bronzielocks and the Three Dares // Dragon Age // Aveline/Isabela // M // Aveline needs information, and Isabela's more than willing to share... just as soon as the Guard-Captain completes three dares of her choice.
All Trussed Up With Nowhere to Go // Dragon Age // Isabela/Merrill // T // Isabela returns to Kirkwall, relic in hand, only to find that her room has already been rented out.

Original Writing

Jesus Christ on a crutch, you do not want to go there. Not unless thirty-odd notebooks of non-linear budgie shit is your bag, anyway.

Where's the love? The love's right here, I promise you. If I add a story of yours to my alerts or favourites but don't bother to leave a review, it's because I'm either waiting for you to update/complete it so that I can give my opinion as a whole, or I'm having trouble finding the words to explain how awesome you are. I don't choose favourites lightly.

Preferences: Well, femslash is secretly at the top of everyone's list, isn't it? I wonder what would happen if Doctor Who's enchanting archaeologist River Song happened to bump into Leverage's mentally-unbalanced thief Parker when the pair coincidentally case the same museum in hopes of liberating something dusty and expensive? And if one ended up screwing the other to death, I know which Boston Homicide Detective I'd call... Oh, yes. Someone write it, write it now.

I'll read almost anything as long as it's legible, but I'll admit that Dragon Age and Mass Effect give me an imaginary boner. I'm a PlayStation whore, but that's partially due to the fact that my Xbox disc tray won't open unless you sing it a lullaby. PSN ID: RunnerBird -- I don't bite, kids!

In my spare time, I enjoy: pretending to be Lord Kitchener and forgetting to feed my fish.