My stories/series: some of the stories connect to other stories but you don't necessarily have to read them all or even in order.

Alex Rider/NCIS/Gallagher Girls

Just FUN&GAMES until someone DIES

Round Two

Trustworthy? (Crossover between Alex Rider and NCIS)

Tony's Gift (NCIS sequel to Trustworthy?)

AM I STILL ME? (Alex Rider sequel to Trustworthy?)

CHICKEN

Maximum Ride

Track and Field (Stand alone)

It's about time

Saving Max (Sequel to It's about time)

39 Clues

Amy's Love (Stand alone)

I'm a guy but man are these are just so funny that I couldn't resist putting them on my profile for everyone else to roll on the ground laughing like I did.

P.S. If you have ever had a girl turn you down with one of these I'd feel for you... and then I'd have to laugh at you.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you be willing to stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together.
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together.

Man: Your eyes are really amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.’
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.’
'If you charge me, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think

My favorite quote of all time:

"I called your boyfriend gay and then he hit me with his purse."

25 Reasons To Thank My Mother:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr./Mrs.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.

FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Will sit next to you saying “Damn … we sure messed up … but that was really fun!”

FRIENDS: Never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Keep your stuff for so long they forget it’s yours.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Can write a book about you, with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the crowds’ ass that left you.

FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say “brink the rest of that, you know we don’t waste.”

FRIENDS: Will talk bad about the person who talks bad about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will knock them out!

FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
BEST FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to what’s wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better!

FRIENDS: Say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
BEST FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep or kick them out.

FRIENDS: Will help me find my way when I'm lost.
BEST FRIENDS: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions.

FRIENDS: Will help me learn to drive.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance.

FIENDS: Will watch my pets when I go away.
BEST FRIENDS: Won't let me go away.

FRIENDS: Will help me up when I fall down.
BEST FRINEDS: Will point and laugh because they tripped me.

FRIENDS: Will go to a concert with me.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kidnap the band with me.

FRIENDS: Asks me for my number.
BEST FRIENDS: Asks me for her number.

FRIENDS: Hides me from the cops.
BEST FRIENDS: Is probably the reason they are after me in the first place.

FRIENDS: Won’t let me make an idiot of myself in public.
BEST FRIENDS: Is up there with me making an idiot out of themself too.

FRIENDS: Fade.
BEST FRIENDS: Are FOREVER...

These are my stereotypes

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash

I WEAR SOME BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one"

I'm HANDSOME, so I MUST not be a virgin

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE, so I must be violent

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser

I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob

I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat

I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich

I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party

I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too

I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy

I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bastard

I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bastard

I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse

I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.

I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak

I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed, and arrogant

I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future

I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER

I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED

I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid

I love MARCHING BAND, so I MUST be a friendless freak

I write FANFICS, so I MUST be a freak

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bastard

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive

I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo

I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend

I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE

I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? I have a scar on my right knee cap from where my father ran me off the road with his bike.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Pictures.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? I snore, loudly.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN To? ANYTHING! ANYTHING AT ALL: Rap.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? Like two or three in the morning.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? A Porsche.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? Being young enough to watch Sponge Bob in public.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)? My dog.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 6’2”

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? Nope.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? No.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Crying is for wussies.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL? Something hardly noticeable because I don’t really like perfume, it makes me sneeze.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Blonde or brunette, no red heads. And blue or green eyes, no brown eyes.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO? Um, I think this test was written for girls…

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Too hard to pick.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? The baby of a supreme and a meat lover.

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I could use a pizza after having to think about it.

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? Who the hell eats goldfish?

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECIEVED? Um, my girlfriend, excuse me; my ex-girlfriend gave me a really cool hat… I should find a better meaningful gift shouldn’t I?

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? Just got dumped.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? No but I can lick my elbow. Trust me, it actually is possible, Google it.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? Dude, like I care.

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? Yeah.

27. WHAT KIND IS IT? My dog.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? What do you mean…?

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? With your words.

30. TYPE A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 23

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? As long as they aren’t a red-head I don’t care.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? Pathetically, my mom.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? Nail biting, so nasty.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? Mexico baby!

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? Crying females.

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? I met that dude that was in the Subway commercials like forever ago.

37. FIRST JOB? Working for my uncle. Word of advice, never, ever work for family.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Lots of times. My favorite was calling a radio station and pretending to be a Chinese guy trying to order pizza from Pizza Hut.

39. DO YOU SWEAR? Who doesn’t?

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT? Sleeping.

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? Sure, I mean, tonsils count, right?

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? My willingness to work hard.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? Uh huh.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? A new computer, this one sucks.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Kids? Seriously? In this economy.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yeah, good old granddad.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Not unless they’re shooting.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? It comes in a bottle.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? As long as my teachers can read it.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Um, regular meat…?

52. ANY BAD HABITS? Letting people copy my assignments when they don’t have theirs done.

53 WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF? Who has CDs, I have an IPod.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Duh, I’m awesome.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER? Depends on who’s looking.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? I throw a tantrum like a two year old… no, seriously, I usually write. Best stories come from times of high emotion.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? I don’t have one…

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? My Hot Wheels.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? You really want me to count that high?

62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID? Unfortunately.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Honestly, I don’t understand sarcasm. People will use it on me and I’ll just nod and agree.

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Mashed potatoes.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Someone who won’t break my heart again.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.

67. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE BAND/SINGER? Hannah Montana, Taylor Swift, the Backstreet boys. (Anyone that can’t tell I’ve given up being serious with this quiz so if you’re actually still reading these enjoy.)

68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW/S? I adore the Wiggles.

69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT SAT SCORE? 76.4328 Oh wait, that was the ACT.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Blogger.

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? No, I have no fingers which is why I type with my tongue.

72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? Worked out? Does eating ice cream count?

73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #64? There was a number 64 but there wasn’t a number 19, 25, 48, 55, 59, 77, 84, 87 or 88. Go ahead, check. I dare you.

74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR? 7,463 mile per hour.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? I barely stayed focused long enough to answer my own questions, do you really think I’ll read someone else’s?

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? Mutant Ninja Zombie Vampires.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mommie.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX? Whether or not that have a nose.

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? Jesus Loves Me.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? Nose picking, nail biting, alien abductions.

82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? Whatever month the next Twilight move comes out during.

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN? The golden retriever.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? Green, the color of mold. (In all seriousness, brown.)

86. EYE COLOR? Red with sparkles. (Blue.)

89. FAVORITE FOOD RESTAURANT? What other kind of restaurant is there?

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? Actually, yes.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? My hamsters getting it on.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Whatever day the last day of school is one.

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? I play the harp.

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? Tea party! Whoo Hoo! Go Sarah Palin! You can see Russia from your house!

95. KISSES OR HUGS? Depends on who’s doing it.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? One Night Stands, definitely. That way you don’t have to cook breakfast in the morning.

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? My girlfriend, excuse me again, my ex a birthday present.

98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE? A Bugatti Veyron. You really should Google this car.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Who needs books when the world is going to end in a year anyways?

100. How far through this quiz were you before you stopped being serious? (I made this one up myself.) I don’t know, you can probably tell though if you actually read the whole thing.

12 things you shouldn't say to a police officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Stupidest Last Words In The History Of Mankind:

What does this button do?

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

I'll just put my head in it to make sure.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

Look Ma! No Hands!

Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Of course it's safe.

It can't get any worse...

There's only one way to find out!

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? --

Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I kissed
April--I licked
May—I did the Macarena with
June--I smelled
July—I jumped on
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1--a birdbath
2--a monster
3--a phone
4--a fork
5--a snowman
6--a gangster
7--my mobile phone
8--my dog
9--my best friends' boyfriend
10--my neighbor
11--my science teacher
12--a banana
13--a fireman
14--a stuffed animal
15--a goat
16--a pickle
17--your mom
18--a spoon
19-- - a smurf
20--a baseball bat
21--a ninja
22--Chuck Norris
23--a noodle
24--a squirrel
25--a football player
26--my sister
27--my brother
28--an ipod
29--a surfer
30--a llama
31--A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White--because I'm cool like that
Black--because that's how I roll.
Pink--because I'm crazy.
Red--because the voices told me to.
Blue--because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green--because I think I need some serious help.
Purple--because I'm AWESOME!
Gray--because Big Bird said to and he's my leader
Yellow--because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway
Brown--because I can..

Other--because I'm a Ninja!
None--because I can't control myself!

Combine and see what you get!

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,
Your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home...

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism

Why America has some issues:

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that stuff up in two seconds. That's why when I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral/Sergent Deathcas.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

How to be a jackass:

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme constantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Set alarms for random times.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Play School" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Borrow someone’s easer, then when they ask for it back, throw it across the room, making sure it misses them, and shout “You sure cant catch!!”

In the middle of a long car trip, yell out, really loudly, “I need to pee’. To be even more annoying, do it just after you’ve left, or taken a pee break.

When on a long road trip, say “are we there yet’ every five minutes.

Some of my favorite quotes

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous- everyone hasn't met me yet."

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"

"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"There is one thing my wife and I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."

Blonde Jokes...

Don't read these if you are easily offended.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put 10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the 10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each...
The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski"
With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says," Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.
"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.
"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"
"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"

A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license, he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, "It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!"

This has got to be one of the most clever brainteasers I've seen in a while.
Whoever came up with these either has too much spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters you get:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters you get:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
HE BUGS GORE (For anyone that didn't know this is the guy that ran against him the first time he ran for president.)

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the you get letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE