Hell~o and HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! I've always wanted to write a Mpreg fic... And it ended like this. I wish you'll love it as much as I loved writing it.

I need a child

'Vooi, nerdo, you must be kidding me.'

I looked bewilderedly at the dottore, a tiny man with big and thick glasses, advanced baldness and stoutness. His surgery was white and… well, white; like every surgery you've seen for all your life. I'm not the kind of man of getting sick very often, I'd even say never; that was why lately it had been truly a pain in the ass.

One day I woke up in my bedroom. Everything was like every day: the sun was shining outside, birds were happily singing and the same crap as always… Then suddenly a violent spasm broke in my stomach; the next hour I spent it kneeling in the water-closet and throwing up an incredible quantity of food I suppose I had actually eaten at some time in my long life. Yuk! Thinking about it still makes me want to run to the next bidet. Yet at that time I assumed some of the fuckers who were living with me had added some weird substance in last night diner (situation which had already occurred before, and also had brought exactly the same effects) so I didn't bother. Kicking asses had been my main preoccupation the rest of that day.

That day and the day after, and also the day after that day, as the morning nausea wouldn't settle down.

And next were mood changes. I mean, that last fact I didn't noticed it by myself, but the others did. Another day they all barged in the boss' office, everyone sniveling shit like "the second-in-command's mood is getting unbearable, worse than ever", or "for god's sake we can't work normally in those conditions", and I spare you the shittiest. Of course, Xanxus didn't give a damn as he started shooting at those retards. Eat that, fuckers.

So how did it finally end in me sitting in a dottore's office and listening to that idiota's fibs? Because at the very last he, I mean Xanxus, somehow got fed up of my – theoretical, I insist on this – mood changes. This is how it happened:

We were having diner in the living-room, as we were doing from time to time at week-end, and at the same time watching at some crap at TV. So, we were eating, nothing abnormal until now; well, nothing until Xanxus spilled some of his wine on the carpet. I snapped.

"Vooooi! Fuck it, Xanxus!" I suddenly burst in front of a dumbfounded Xanxus – and the fact is rare, solo Dio sa – standing between him and the screen. "That's why I hate eating in the living-room! You're all spreading shit everywhere! Look: there're pieces of bread on the couch, thanks to Bel who can't, for the sake of Jesus Christ, eat properly; Levy who've just let pasta fall down on the floor; and Fran (still a child, back then) who seems to be humanly incapable to drink juice by only using his mouth…"

"Do you see it now, boss?" Lussuria cried. "I told you he's been acting like this since few days! Please do something!...'

"Che dì, Luss? I'm not acting like anything! Vooi, do you wanna die?!"

"Boss, make the stupid captain quiet, please." Fran said with his unconditionally monotonous voice. "I can't listen to the drama. Today is the day the famiglia's priest come back from heaven to tell to that guy who is the true father of his daughter, and they're going to send Esposito to jail, but he's innocent, so it's a miscarriage…"

Stab. Stab.

"Shi shi shi. It looks like you're a fan of that shit." Bel grinned.

"Vooi! Brats! Stop eating like pigs!"

"Boss!"

"Stupid long-haired captain…"

"Die! But clean that fucking room before!"…

That wild evening finally ended up with a pissed off Xanxus shooting holes into the walls of the living, so we couldn't use it the days after, both with the hallway – we couldn't even cross through it to go out, we had to pass by the kitchen door instead, which wasn't badass at all.

So to make it short, that was the reason why I've been sent to the famiglia's dottore few days earlier. They'd take some samples for tests, they said, and then told me to come back that day. So I've been waiting for days for those stupid tests result in order to listen to that bullshit? No, no, no, no. No. The fucker must have done some mistakes somewhere.

'Voi, can't you redo the tests once more?' I nervously rubbed at my temple. 'I don't want to hurt your feelings, doc, but you're getting too old for your job. Perhaps…'

'For the hundredth time, Sig. Squalo. The lab is categorical.' In spite of all, the physician kept on smiling fondly at me. It was getting me more fuming than ever. 'They have miscalculated nothing, and I personally did tell them to redo the test almost… Oh! I didn't pay attention how many times… But be sure, signore, this is how the things are: you are pregnant. Felicitazione!'

I drove home as fast as I could, not without calling some roadhogs names on my way. Like hell would I stay one more second in the same room as that charlatan! Ten minutes later I was home.

Gracelessly, I kicked at the kitchen's door (how un-badass can that sound…) and, without casting a glance at the brats still stuck to their TV drama ("But, prete Fenton, I thought you were dead!" – "Yes, I am."), or Levy rummaging about in the fridge ("Hey, captain, didn't you see the ketchup?"), I took the stairs to the bathroom. My head was starting spinning and I needed to take medicines for those fucking vomiting. That was when the phone rang.

'Vooi! Can't someone pick that shit up?'

'Shi shi. Don't ask Prince to do such a peasant's duty.'

'But stupid long-haired captain, Esposito is about to escape. I want to see how.'

'Have anyone seen the ketchup?'

'Shut the fuck up, you trash!'

'Okay~ I'm taking it!' Lussuria's gay voice sang. 'Hallo~a!...'

Fine, I thought when I finally found my medicines in the pharmacy box. But then I heard an inhuman squeak down the stairs. Next, heavy stomps could been heard nearing me, followed right after by the bathroom door being torn from its hinges and a crying/beaming/cheery Lussuria hugging me until I lost my breath.

'Squ-chaaan how can you hide some nice news to uuuus?' He cried while hugging me.

'Mfwhat… yow nmoron…!' I was suffocating.

'What's happening? The Prince can't concentrate on the drama because you peasants are doing too much noise.'

'Bel-senpai. Such story don't really require that much concentration, but because you're lacking too much brain…'

Stab. Stab. Stab.

Great. The fag stirred up the other idiots.

'It was a phone call from Squ-chan's doctor!' Lussuria sang. 'He said he's going to have a babyyyy!'

'Who? The doctor?' Fran asked.

'Why did he bother to tell us?' Bel added.

'What's the matter, guys?' Levy stated.

The Brazilian man shook his head. 'Nooo~! Not the doctor! Squalo is!'

'Ah? Is he? But Granma told me only married people can have babies, and the stupid long-haired captain isn't even engaged, is he?'

Innocente bimbo.

'Shi shi. And she also told you that storks were bringing them in the belly of the woman?'

(Fran) 'Yes.'

(Bel) 'Pfft!'

(Levy) 'Ah?'

(Luss) 'Mou~ Don't destroy Fran-chan's innocence! And the pregnant one is…'

(Me) 'Voooi!' I finally broke the capoeira hold and dared the fag with my sword. 'Don't you fucking blabber about anything else or I swear by my sword I'll fucking cut your fucking tongue!'

(Luss) 'Agh!'

'Fuck you all!'

I got out of the bathroom, leaving the four idiots behind, just before:

'Oh! Squ-chan!' That was Lussuria, again. 'The doctor said that you should try to rest a little. Stress and tiredness aren't good for the baby. And if your nausea keeps on disturbing you, you should call him for suitable medicines.'

'Ah?' That last one was from everyone else.

'Voooi, wake up, bastard!' I shouted to Xanxus who was sleeping in his office. Who else do you think would have done this to me apart from that shitty bastard?

'Shut up, freak, and get out from here. Right now.' The dark haired Mafioso demanded. As if I would kindly do what he told me to.

'In your dreams, you fucktard! You fucking made me pregnant!' I was leaning on his desk, all teeth bared. The bastard didn't even seem shocked or nothing. Come irritante.

'What? I thought you were on the pill.' He simply stated. It sure slapped me on my face, just like an ugly giant fly would do on the windshield of a car that was running at 100 mph. My very expected what-the-fuck face came next.

I backed a little, surprised by the answer. 'What the…? S-so… what are you going to do about… about it?'

Xanxus looked at me with eyes that gave the impression to say "what are you fucking talking about?". He shifted on his sit.

'You're the one dealing with it, stupid bitch.' He yawned. 'Now go and fetch me some fucking tequila. And my steak. Affrettarsi, feccia.'

I slammed the door behind me.

That was the biggest shit. The biggest, the coolest, the most wonderful thing that had to happen to me in that god-forsaken life: I, a man, was soon going to be a mother, and the best was that my child's father was a fucking asshole of an alcoholic Mafioso.

Fucking great.

dottore: doctor

idiota: idiot

solo Dio sa: goodness knows

Che dì: What are you saying?

famiglia: family

Sig.(signore): Mr.

Felicitazione: congratulations

prete: priest

Innocente bimbo: innocent child

come irritante: how annoying

Affrettarsi, feccia: hurry up, scum