Chapter 1: The Kiss

"Well. I just wanted to...I thought that it was important..." She sits up a little straighter in her seat and tries to ignore the strong beat of her heart.

"I wanted to be clear about the other day. I don't think I was clear and I don't want there to be any misunderstandings."

She braves a look at Kate's face and is dismayed to find that she looks almost scared. The thought of her favourite teacher actually being frightened of her spurs her on.

"I'm fairly sure that I gave you the wrong impression. The other day. What you said to me was...well, it was a little...unexpected, and that being the case, I may not have conveyed, exactly..." She trails off again, wishing she could talk rather less like a headmistress, just this once. She takes a deep breath and launches into it.

"I think that you may have thought that I was offended, or upset, or even that I was some kind of homophobic cretin, and I would like to make it very clear that I am absolutely not some kind of homophobic cretin and I certainly wasn't offended or upset in any way. In fact, I was very flattered. It was a lovely thing to say. To hear. So. I apologise if I made you think otherwise."

OK. That was better, she thought. Got the basic point across. Didn't reveal too much. When she manages to look at Kate again she's relieved to see a small smile on her face.

"I didn't think you were a homophobic cretin."

"No?" She smiles at her.

"No."

"But you did think..."

"I thought that I'd probably crossed a line. I mean, with my boss, my straight boss..." She smiles shyly, adorably.

"No lines were crossed. I promise."

"Good. That's good."

"Made my day, actually." As soon as she says it she knows she's gone too far. Her body freezes into place, her hands motionless on the desk in front of her.

"Did it?" Kate says quietly.

"Like I said, um, it was a nice thing to hear, so..."

There's silence. Her office is far enough away from the hustle and bustle of the school that the only sound in the room is their breathing. It feels unbearably tense and wonderful all at once; Kate's eyes on her, Kate's knowledge. Because she must know, now. She's sure that she's given herself away.

"Well." Kate finally breaks the silence, rising from her seat. "I should go, I've got 9F after lunch."

"You have my deepest sympathies. Let me know if they've gone feral."

Kate grins at her. "Thanks. Bye."

"Bye."

They hold each other's eyes for a few moments more, Caroline finding herself completely unable to look away, before Kate turns. She watches her leave the room and then leans back in her seat with a sigh. How on earth is she going to cope? Coming to work every day and seeing this beautiful, gentle, kind and clever woman. Who wants her.

And who knows that she wants her back.

How is she ever going to manage?

Caroline stands motionless at the window, staring vacantly out at the school grounds below. She's spent the day tying up loose ends, working with Beverley to make sure that everything was organised before the summer break, and she really should go home now.

Usually, at this point, she'd be happy. Usually she'd be looking forward to six whole weeks of rest and relaxation, a chance to recharge her batteries and spend time with her family and shrug off the immense responsibilities of Dr Caroline Elliot.

Usually she'd be happy.

But this year all she can feel is a sense of creeping dread. Six whole weeks stretch before her like a wasteland. Six weeks away from school.

Away from her.

She'd gone through every possibility in her head but all had been dismissed. It would be normal for her to meet with one of her deputies or even the chair of governors during the break, but there was no reason to ask for a meeting with an individual teacher. And ever since Kate's nervous, blushing confession, and her own overly harsh rejection, the invitations to Kate's house had stopped. They hadn't had lunch together again, hadn't gone for a drink in the evening. She'd hardly seen her at all.

She'd thought that things might change after her apology, when she was sure that she'd given herself away. That Kate might start pursuing her again, that she might ask her on a date or even kiss her in her office, stand so close to her with all her beauty and her warmth that Caroline would have no option but to kiss her back. But none of these daydreams had come true. Kate had stayed withdrawn, perfectly polite and professional but nothing more. They didn't even seem to be friends now.

And so she stares at the wind in the trees and wonders how she's going to cope for six whole weeks without her.

A knock on the door startles her out of her reverie and she barks "Come in" without looking round. It's very late now, after six, and the caretaker is due to lock up.

"Hi."

She spins around far too quickly. Kate's standing there a little awkwardly, smiling and looking entirely too beautiful for her mundane surroundings. She has to take a moment to catch her breath.

"Hi," is all she can manage. Kate's smile widens slightly.

"I just wanted to say goodbye, I've finished up so I thought I'd pop in and just..."

"Right. Right. Well. Goodbye then." The smile falls from Kate's face.

"I mean, um, you're here very late, and on the last day of term. Very dedicated of you."

She's relieved to see the smile return and she tries not to think about why she finds it so painful to hurt her even slightly.

"Well, my boss is a bit of a dragon so I have to put the hours in."

Caroline stands stock-still for a few seconds, shocked, before bursting into laughter.

"I think you're a bit demob happy, Miss McKenzie. You're supposed to say that behind my back, not right to my face."

"I think you can take it."

They smile at each for longer than is entirely appropriate. It takes far too much willpower to look away from her, but when she finally manages it there's an awkward silence between them. She really doesn't want her to leave.

"Going anywhere nice this year?" It sounds ridiculously forced to her own ears but Kate doesn't seem to mind.

"No, I thought I'd just stay at home this year, take a few day trips maybe. How about you?"

"No, not really, the boys are a bit too old now for family holidays, and obviously John isn't...so no, not this year."

There's another small pause. As she watches Kate's face her heart starts to beat faster – there's a hint of nerves there, she's sure of it.

"Perhaps, if you, I mean, if neither of us is doing very much, perhaps we could...one day, have dinner if you wanted, or..."

"I'd like that." Her voice sounds almost normal, as if her heart isn't beating double time, as if six weeks of longing haven't just vanished into thin air. Kate's eyes have lit up with pleasure.

"OK, well...I'll give you a ring and we can sort out, um, the day and time and things?"

"Sounds good."

"OK. Well. Goodnight, Caroline. Speak to you soon."

"Goodnight."

She watches Kate leave the room and then turns to the window again, all of her misery replaced by absolute joy. She's going to see her. They're still friends, and she'll see her, and then maybe she can see her again...

A sudden thought makes her stop short. Is it a date? Has Kate just asked her on a date?

She replays the conversation in her mind, over and over, but can't decide one way or another. Should she cancel? She could just turn her down when she rings, but that would mean hurting her again and she can't bear to do that. And besides, she badly wants to see her.

So, date or not, she's going to go. Just once in her life she's going to sod the bloody consequences and do what the hell she likes.

Even if it means that she gets kissed at the end of the night.

For the tenth time in as many minutes she looks at the clock and wonders when time decided to start going backwards. It feels like she's been sitting here for an hour but the clock wants her to believe that it's only been a few minutes.

She takes a deep breath and lets it out in a prolonged sigh, trying without success to calm down. It would be no good at all if she appeared at Kate's door as a nervous wreck. There were standards to be maintained – apart from anything else she was still Kate's boss, and though they'd got closer when John left she'd tried very hard to maintain her dignity, even when all she'd wanted to do was pull Kate into a hug and cry on her shoulder.

So she wasn't going to lose it tonight. They were going to have a nice, home-cooked meal, she was going to compliment Kate on the food, they would talk about school or the weather or their plans for the summer, and then she'd go home.

Nothing to it. So why on earth did she feel like she was about to take her Oxford finals all over again?

She took one last look at the clock which, against all laws of nature, still said 6.52pm. Oh sod it, she thought, and got out of the car.

She'd been here several times before; she loved Kate's house. It wasn't as grand as her own, maybe, but it was very pretty, and every time she had come here she'd felt happy. Through all of her nerves tonight, that happiness remained.

Ringing the doorbell sent another shot of adrenaline through her. Not a date, she told herself. This really isn't a date.

As Kate opened the door she discretely took in what she was wearing, trying to reassure herself, but Kate looked so good in her jeans and shirt that she could have been dressed for a hot date or a dinner with her family, there was no way to tell. She tried to avoid staring, pointedly looking her in the eye.

"Hi. Come on in."

"I'm a bit early, I'm sorry, the traffic was fine and it's usually a bit..."

"No problem. It's all in the oven. Let me take your coat."

She feels Kate's soft fingers brush against the side of her neck as she slips the coat from her shoulders.

"I brought wine. Nothing special, well, it's not plonk, it should taste OK...I hope it goes with whatever you've made."

They stand and look at each other for a moment until Kate reaches out a hand.

"Can I..."

"Oh right, God, sorry," she says, and hands the bottle over.

"Looks great," Kate says, grinning. "Thanks."

She nods, not trusting herself to say anything sensible.

"Let me get you a glass of this – take a seat."

The tension in her stomach dies down a little as Kate heads off to the kitchen and she's left alone in the front room. A small war in her head starts up as she tries to decide where to sit – single chair, sofa, away from Kate, closer - but she shuts it down irritably and takes the sofa.

When Kate reappears she's regained her composure a little and smiles her thanks as she's handed a glass of wine.

"What are you cooking?"

"It's Delia, it's just a beef casserole with lots of herbs."

"Sounds wonderful."

"Well, I'd wait till you've tasted it. I have been known to have the odd kitchen disaster."

"Surely not."

"There was a famous curry incident with Richard. He could hardly breathe it was so hot. Never let me forget it."

"I once fed John bacon that I'd actually set on fire. He didn't notice."

"I'll try not to set anything on fire."

"I wouldn't dream of mentioning it if you did."

They smile at each other again and Caroline can feel herself really relax. What on earth were you so worried about, she thinks. Wine and a meal and a friend. It's perfect.

The meal's perfect too – not on fire, and perfect. An hour later Caroline's back in her place on the sofa, a glass of orange juice in her hand and a feeling of mellow peace pervading her body.

After a few minutes Kate rejoins her in the living room, and it's only when she sits next to Caroline rather than on the end seat of the sofa that Caroline's heart rate picks up a little again.

"That really was delicious. You undersold your cooking skills."

"Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I could give you the recipe if you wanted."

"That would be great."

A silence stretches between them, the first real silence of the evening. Caroline's surprised to find that she doesn't find it uncomfortable. It seems natural, sitting here, with Kate by her side. She rarely feels natural, anywhere.

"I had a friend at university..."

She has no idea where it comes from. She wasn't thinking about her; she hasn't really thought about her for years. And yet, there's something about Kate that makes her want to be honest. Completely honest.

"Yes?"

"Yes, um...her name was Alison. Allie." The nerves are back with a vengeance. Somewhere deep within her she knows exactly why she's telling this story, why she's chosen this precise moment to do it. And Kate's clever, so she's going to know too. She takes a deep breath and launches into it.

"Allie and I were friends for our first term, she was in a room down the hall. Physics student. She was very bright, and funny, and she didn't seem to mind that I worked so much and took things so seriously. This is the part where you act shocked that I worked so much and took things so seriously."

Kate dutifully puts on a pretend shocked face and laughs a little, but Caroline can tell that she's waiting for the point of the story. She wonders if she's guessed yet. Probably not yet.

"So, Allie and I became friends, and we spent a lot of time together, and then in our second term...we became...closer. Closer still."

She's trying not to look at her face but even from the corner of her eye she can see the realization start to dawn. She could stop there, of course. There's still a route back to safety.

"And one day she kissed me." And the safe route's closed. The words flow from her lips with surprising ease. How many years has it been since she's talked about this? Twenty? Twenty-five? Decades and decades. It suddenly feels like far too long.

"We were girlfriends, for a while, for the next two terms. It was lovely. And then..."

Unexpectedly, the ending of the story is harder to articulate than the start.

"What happened?" Kate asks quietly.

Caroline smiles sadly. "I went home and told my mother. She was absolutely horrified, said that it was a daft schoolgirl phase and I shouldn't tell anyone, especially not Dad, and I'd get over it. And I rang Allie and...I'm not very proud of this part."

"You can tell me."

"Well. I rang her and I just broke it off. Over the phone, no explanation, just like that. I'm really not proud of that part."

"Caroline, you were 18, you were a child. Of course you would listen to your mother."

"I shouldn't have. Or at least I should have treated Alison with a bit of respect. I can still hear her crying down the phone."

Kate's hand has covered her own, her thumb gently stroking back and forth.

"You were so young, Caroline. God knows it's hard enough without reactions like that."

She smiles her thanks at her and tries not to look down at their hands.

"So...was that...I mean, was Alison your only..."

She can't look her in the eye. "Yes. My only. I just worked for a few years, kept my head down and went out even less. I met John when I was a postgraduate and...that was that."

"And you and John, was it really..I'm sorry, that was going to be a very personal question."

She smiles at her embarrassed expression. "It's all right. If you mean, was it...a proper marriage, then...Well. I'm not sure I know the answer to that. I liked him. He was a good man and I wanted children. He was good company, intelligent, easy-going, he seemed to have good prospects. I did love him."

"Why did you say that last? That you loved him?"

"Did I?"

Kate nods. There's a stillness in the room now, an awareness of secrets shared that can never be secrets again. And a growing sexual awareness, too, a thread of delicious tension stretched taut between them that she hasn't felt in years.

"And now?" says Kate softly. "Now that it's over with John?"

Kate's thumb is still caressing her hand. She lets herself look down for a moment, taking in the tenderness, the care that's being offered. Beautiful hands, soft, like velvet, touching her, touching her...

"Now...now I think it's time that I..." Her bravery runs out, but she manages to look in Kate's eyes. All she sees there is affection and tenderness and longing, and when Kate gently tugs on her hand she leans forward with no thought at all.

Their lips meet easily, naturally, in a quiet, tender kiss. They pull apart slightly and she can see Kate looking for alarm, for a signal to stop, so she leans in and kisses her again.

This kiss lasts longer, goes deeper, and Caroline feels the excitement rising within her. After a minute, perhaps two, the kiss is building and building and Kate's first quiet moan turns her on so deeply that she pulls away, breathing erratically. She can hear Kate breathing beside her; their hands are still joined.

"I'm sorry if-" Kate starts.

"Don't be sorry. Nothing to be sorry about."

They sit quietly together for a few moments, thoughts racing through her mind – thoughts of soft skin and moaning and dark, pretty eyes, of sex and longing and lust, of consequences and marriages and family and her boys and the paths of least resistance that lure us away from our dreams.

"Are you OK?"

Always so kind, always looking out for her. She smiles at her, wanting to erase the worry from her face. "I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Really. You?"

"I'm good."

"Good."

"I don't want..."

Caroline tries to keep the panic from flooding through her. Had she misread this? Had Kate met someone else, got tired of her, was she actually just here as a friend?

"I don't want to push you into anything Caroline, but I, I mean, I'd like...I'd like us to be together. I don't mean, um, staying the night, not tonight, but I'd like it to be you and me. If that's what you'd like too."

A tiny voice at the back of brain tells her to think about it, to go home and let the wine wear off, to let the kiss wear off, and make a sensible, rational decision. But she knows in her heart that tomorrow's decision will be exactly the same as today's.

"I'd like that too."

And all of the night's nerves slip quietly away, rendered mute by the joy on Kate's face.