Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Wolf
Warning: This fic might make you hungry. Do not read on an empty stomach.
..
Stiles vs. the Vending Machine
Stiles Stilinski is in a long standing feud with vending machines. It does not matter that they are inanimate objects, Stiles is convinced that they are out to get him. He knows the damn things are evil because he and vending machines have a history. Stiles has been victimized by the dispensers of doom more times than he can count. Years of constant torment has left him with nothing but feelings of contempt for the machines and their offerings of sweet snackage. Vending machines are Stiles Stilinski's arch nemesis. Oh sure, he has had epic battles with werewolves, lizard people, psychopath druids, and Derek Hale's grumpy face but no clash is as dangerous as that of Stiles vs. the Vending Machine.
..
Incident #1
The first occurrence of bad luck with vending machines is when Stiles is at the Beacon Hills Mall with his dad. He spots a vending machine outside of Toys R Us. Excitedly, he runs up to it and takes a glance at all of the different products. He sees one bag of Crunchy Cheez Doodles left in the slot of B7. Stiles happily races back into the store to find his dad.
"Dad, there's a snack machine outside. Can I please have money for Cheez Doodles?" He tries out the puppy dog eyes, even though they are much more effective on his mom.
"Sure kid," his dad says. He hands his son a bunch of coins and Stiles beams excitedly.
Stiles runs back out to the vending machine and puts in the correct amount. Then he presses B7 and waits.
Nothing happens.
He presses it again.
"Come on. B7 B7," he urges.
Again nothing happens.
He looks towards the slot of B7, where just a few minutes ago he had seen the bag of crunchy Cheez Doodles.
It's empty.
Someone's already bought the last bag.
His face crumbles and he can feel himself pouting.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Were you going to get these?" Stiles turns around and sees a pretty girl with dark hair standing in the corner.
Her fingers are stained orange and she's holding an empty bag of Cheez Doodles.
Stiles' bag!
"That was the last bag," he says miserably.
"Sorry," the girl says again. "Their my favorite, my brother's too."
"That's okay," Stiles answers graciously. "I'll just get the corn chips." He actually can't stand the taste of corn chips.
"Okay well, bye." She waves and walks away, long hair trailing behind her.
"Bye," he calls back.
Outside of Modell's Sporting Goods, Laura Hale tells her brother Derek about the cute little boy who also likes to binge on the orange treat.
..
Incident #3
Stiles is complaining loudly about having to get a haircut.
"If you sit there nicely I will give you quarters for the toy machines," his mom promises.
Stiles thinks about it and decides that is a fair trade.
After his haircut, the boy carries four shiny quarters to the machines.
His eyes are immediately drawn towards a display of temporary tattoos.
There is one of a lone wolf, staring up at the moon.
The wolf wasn't scary; instead it looks almost lonely under the bright glow of the moon.
Stiles thinks that it is beautiful.
He inserts a coin and pushes the button.
"Please be the wolf, please be the wolf," he chants and crosses his fingers for luck.
The machine dings and a tattoo pops out.
Stiles pulls it out and turns it over.
It's a butterfly.
He groans and places another quarter into the machine.
Out comes another butterfly.
The third quarter again produces a butterfly.
Stiles' face flushes red in anger.
He puts his last coin into the machine and holds his breath.
"Here goes nothing," he breathes, while flipping over the last tattoo.
Which features a sparkly unicorn.
Stiles gives an irritated kick to the machine.
..
Incident #10
Claudia Stilinski is brought to the hospital after having trouble breathing. The doctors and nurses hooked her up to an oxygen tank and there were wires sticking out every which way. Stiles listens as his mother takes another labored breathe, trying to push air back into her lungs. He squeezes her hand softly, mindful of not moving any of the tubing wrapped around her fingers. A doctor enters the room and asks to speak with Stiles' dad.
"Why don't you go get something from the vending machine?" his dad says, handing him some cash.
Stiles goes without complaint. He knows his dad is just trying to get rid of him but he cannot bring himself to care. He doesn't want to hear about how his mom is getting worse, how the chemo isn't working anymore. He knows his mother's body is betraying her.
Stiles walks down the hall until he finds a snack machine.
He puts in some money and presses B2 for Doritos.
The bag of chips moves as the coil pushes it forward. But instead of falling down into the bottom compartment, it becomes stuck.
Stiles kicks angrily at the machine to no avail.
Tears come to his eyes and he drops down to the floor. With his back to the machine, Stiles puts his head in his hands and sobs.
..
Incident #15
"I'm going to get the Reese's," Stiles tells Scott. "They're the perfect combination of chocolate and peanut butter."
"Sounds good," Scott approves.
"Just like us, best buddies. We are the perfect combination of my adorable sarcastic wit and your sweet puppy dog face."
"Um, okay," Scott agrees.
"Yep a perfect combination," Stiles repeats.
He pulls the package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups out from its place where it fell on the bottom of the machine. Then he savagely rips the bag open with his teeth.
It's a melted gooey mess.
"This is so not a perfect combination," Stiles declares.
..
Incident #17
Stiles has just pulled a package of Twix from the middle school lunchroom machine when Jackson snatches it out of his hands.
"Give that back," he orders crossly.
"Twix, two for me none for Stilinski," Jackson taunts.
..
Incident #20
Stiles and his dad are staying at a hotel in San Jose, where the sheriff was asked to speak at the California Police Chiefs Association Conference. Stiles decides that he wants to check out the pool, and is walking down with a towel firmly tucked under one arm. Out of the corner of his eye he thinks he sees something unexpected.
The word condoms.
He back tracks and his eyes grow wide.
There standing in the middle of the hotel lobby is a vending machine full of condoms. Condoms!
He nervously peeks around him, looking for prying eyes.
Seeing no one around, Stiles takes another look at the machine.
The condoms are only two dollars for a pack of two. That's a dollar a condom!
Stiles pulls out four bucks from the Velcro Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wallet he keeps in the pocket of his shorts.
His plan is to get one package for himself and one for his best friend Scott. Call it an early birthday gift.
He's just about to slide in the first dollar when he hears his dad shout his name.
"Stiles!"
"Oh shit," Stiles says. "Dad I wasn't doing anyth-oof," he protests as his dad drags him back by the neck.
"I cannot take my eyes off of you for one minute," his dad yells.
"Seriously," he pleas. "I wasn't doing anything."
His dad gives him the 'you are so grounded, say goodbye to your freedom' look and Stiles caves.
"Okay. Fine, I was doing something. But it wasn't as if I was going to actually use it. And in my defense the public school system does an atrocious job of providing its students with an adequate defense against sexually transmitted diseases and if they would just…"
"Stiles shut up."
"Yes sir. Shutting up," he says.
"I'm incredibly disappointed," his dad starts. Stiles hangs his head in shame. "I know that as a young man you want to experience certain things but you're only fourteen years old, you have plenty of time for that." He pats his sons shoulder reassuringly. "One day you'll find someone who makes your heart race, someone who challenges you, and makes you want to be a better person. Then when the time comes that you are ready to have sex, everything will feel so much more powerful because you are with this person. So if you just have some meaningless one night stand you will be robbing yourself of all of those incredible feelings. Plus, if you get some poor girl pregnant while you are still a teenager I will personally castrate you. Do we understand each other?"
"Yes," Stiles gulps.
"Oh and as soon as we get back home you are grounded for three weeks. So enjoy your time here because it's the last bit of fun you're having for a while buddy."
He's never ever telling Scott about any of this.
..
Incident #21
Stiles is just taking a delicious bag of Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookies out of a vending machine at school when Jackson comes along and grabs them out of Stiles' hand.
"Hey!" he yells indignantly.
"Thanks loser," Jackson smirks as he saunters off to his next class.
"Douche," Stiles mumbles, checking his pockets for more quarters and coming up empty.
..
Incident #30
Stiles has just purchased an icy cold Mountain Dew from the school's drink machine when he sees Lydia Martin walking by. She's surrounded by a group of giggling girls, all as nondescript as the next.
"Hey Lydia, looking good as alway-ahhh," Stiles cries as the can explodes as soon as he's popped the top.
The sticky soda is dripping all down his shirt and bubbling down the rim of the can. The girls with Lydia burst into obnoxious snickers and unabashedly start whispering about him. Lydia never even glances his way, acting as though he doesn't even exist.
..
Incident #33
Stiles is walking towards his Jeep when he hears Lydia groan.
"Ugh! These damn cramps are killing me, I will literally French the first person that finds me a chocolate bar."
Stiles blinks rapidly and makes eye contact across the room with Jackson Whittemore.
Both boys take off at the same time, running swiftly towards the cafeteria.
Stiles gains the lead and he has the snack machine in his sights.
He makes it there first and finds a stack of Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bars safely tucked into C5.
He quickly pulls his wallet from his jeans and opens it up.
There's nothing inside.
"Shit," he yells. "This cannot be happening."
Jackson sprints forward and pushes Stiles out of the way.
He buys not one but two chocolate bars.
Then he leers cruelly at Stiles and saunters off.
Stiles thumps his head repeatedly against the vending machine.
When he goes back outside, Lydia is getting inside Jackson's car and holding the two chocolate bars.
As they drive away, Jackson blows him a kiss.
The next day gossip spreads that Lydia and Jackson are officially a couple.
Stiles has never hated Jackson Whittemore so much.
But he hates vending machines even more.
..
Incident #36
Stiles and his dad are at Wal-Mart shopping for supplies that Stiles can take to college for his dorm room.
They are planning on renting a movie after from the store's DVD kiosk.
The two Stilinski's push their full shopping cart to the machine and inspect the list of movies it has to offer.
There is only one in stock.
This is how the pizza delivery guy comes to find two grown men uncontrollably sobbing over The Notebook.
..
Incident #38
Stiles is at the hospital waiting to hear an update on the condition of Lydia. He's planning on spending all night at the hospital, and any other night that Lydia has to spend here. He's starving and remembers that he hasn't eaten anything all day. He was much too nervous about taking Lydia to the dance to eat anything. Stiles makes his way over to the vending machine and puts in some change. The chips get stuck and Stiles is seriously about to lose his shit. This is so not the right time for this.
He puts his hands on either side of the machine and proceeds to shake it. His face is pressed uncomfortably against the machine and he's absolutely had it. He grips the top of the machine and shakes it as hard as he can. The machine sways and crashes hard to the floor.
Stiles quickly scans the hall but he doesn't see any angrily nurses about to shout at him.
He slowly and as stealthily as he can proceeds to walk away.
..
Incident #44
Stiles pulls up in front of a gas station soda machine and is about to put the money in for a Coke. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Chris Argent pull up to a pump and get out of the car.
"Oh hell no," he says, before hightailing it out of there.
Stiles Stilinski isn't stupid. If he has this much trouble operating a vending on his own, adding Chris Argent into the equation is just asking for trouble.
..
Incident #47
Stiles decides to make the most out of having to stay at the world's shittiest motel. He wanders over to the vending machine and finds Boyd standing in front of it. The dude looks as if he is doing his best impression of a zombie. Stiles smiles and tries to cheer the guy up by being his usual charming self.
Boyd continues to stare blankly ahead and puts money into the machine. He buys the exact same snack that Stiles was planning to get! However, Boyd doesn't find this to be as exciting as Stiles does. The snack gets stuck halfway down and Stiles is about to offer his help when Boyd punches a thick fist through the glass.
Boyd takes his food and goes, leaving Stiles to stare at the broken machine.
Hungrily, he grabs as many of the snacks as he can and gets the hell out of there.
..
Incident #52
Deucalion is back in town.
The pack is in a frenzy trying to determine just where he's been hiding out.
They need to find him before another dead body turns up on their doorsteps, the same way that the previous four were.
Scott and Stiles are standing next to a coffee machine in the hospital, waiting for Mrs. McCall to confirm that the most recent body of a woman was indeed sliced open with claws.
They notice Derek walking toward them and nod dejectedly.
"Another one," Derek states forlornly.
"Victim number five," Scott answers. "He put this one by Aiden's front door."
"Aiden's a big boy," Stiles says unsympathetically. "Better him finding one. If I have to see another one lying next to my Jeep, I'm going to be super pissed. That first one practically took three years off my life."
"He's sending us a message," Derek declares.
"What message? That he's a crazy psycho demon wolf who you should have killed the first time?"
Derek glares at Stiles. "He's telling us that nobody gets to walk away this time. No second chances. This time it's either him or us."
Scott frowns miserably. "I don't want any other innocents killed. I'll do whatever needs to be done to take him out."
"Scott!" They all turn to see Mrs. McCall rushing towards them. "Another body was just called in. Mrs. Mahealani found it on her porch when she returned home from work."
Derek roars furiously, lifts the coffee machine from the floor and throws it against the wall.
"Take him out of here," Mrs. McCall whispers to Scott. "He needs to get himself under control."
"I'm fine," Derek grumbles. "Sorry for the damage, I'll send the hospital a check." Then he strides out of the hospital before any of them has a chance to speak.
Stiles still has his mouth wide open and finally closes it while turning to face the McCall's.
"Well, that was both terrifying and amazingly hot," he states.
Scott nods. "Yeah it, wait what?"
..
Incident #60
Stiles is getting a bag of Cheetos from the snack machine before the bell rings and he has to endure a torturous forty minutes of calculus. "Oh baby, come to Daddy!" He makes grabby hands at the bag before pulling it out of the machine.
"Ahhh," he yells as he turns around.
Derek Hale is standing there glaring at him.
"Don't do that!" He complains, holding a hand to his fluttering heart.
"Where's Scott?" Clearly, the word hello is not even in Derek's vocabulary.
"How should I know? I mean it's not as if I'm his keeper. I don't keep tabs on my best friend; he's free to roam as he pleases. He doesn't always need to tell me where he going to… Eek." Derek slams him backward into the vending machine.
"Scott and Allison ditched," Stiles confesses quickly. They decided to celebrate getting back together by having sex in the woods. Completely cliché right? And adding on the fact that Scott's a werewolf makes it even worse. They should totally do it someplace no one would expect like a business convention. They could wear suits and take briefcases full of condoms. Why? Is there some big scary fairy trying to magically rid the world of leather jackets and chest wax?"
Derek grunts, grabs the bag of Cheetos out of Stiles' hands and crushes it.
"I do not wax my chest," Derek says. He hands the bag back to Stiles.
"Sure, because every guy has abs that are that smooth and…..hey where are you going?"
Derek stalks out leaving Stiles alone.
"That is one crazy hairless werewolf," Stiles declares as he opens his bag of Cheetos.
There's nothing inside but a sprinkling of orange powdered dust.
"You owe me seventy-five cents Hale," he bellows.
..
Incident #150
Stiles is pacing nervously back and forth in the main reception hall. He looks at his watch and stares as the seconds tick ever closer. He takes a deep breath and decides to take a short walk around to calm his nerves. He finds a spiraling staircase that he hasn't seen yet and decides to investigate. There's not much upstairs, the owners clearly use this space as an office to do their paper work. However, there is one thing that peeks Stiles' interest.
There is a dusty vending machine leaning against the far wall.
Stiles doesn't have his wallet on him but he searches the pockets of his tuxedo for some loose change.
Miraculously, he comes up with a few quarters that he doesn't even remember placing inside. First barrier, check!
"Let's you and I end this now," Stiles tells the machine.
If any day should be lucky for Stiles, it would be today.
He decides to purchase a box of Ice Breakers Mints because he is planning to do an exceptional amount of kissing tonight. Having minty fresh breathe for that couldn't hurt.
He places the money into the machine and presses the correct entry. The mints actually fall to the bottom of the machine. Second barrier, check!
Lastly, Stiles opens the container and tries a mint. It tastes good! Third barrier, check!
It's finally happened, Stiles has safely completed all three obstacles in the process of successfully using a vending machine.
He pumps his fist into the air and does a little shimmy in celebration. It's taken twenty-four years but he's finally done it.
Stiles hears footsteps and turns to see Scott coming toward him.
"Hey man, you ready?" Scott asks.
"Hell yes," Stiles responds. "I am beyond ready. My streak of bad luck is finally over and I have become one with vending machines everywhere."
Scott looks at him as though he has lost his mind. "Umm okay….you didn't smoke anything while you were up here did you?" Scott sniffs the air searching for a sign of some foreign substance.
"No, I in fact did not smoke anything. But I do have these scrumptious breathe mints. Want one?"
"Sure," Scott takes the offered package and pops one into his mouth.
"We're ready to start boys," Sheriff Stilinski's voice calls up the stairs.
"Let's do this thing," Stiles tells Scott.
They head downstairs where Stiles' dad gives him a quick hug and hooks Stiles' arm through his.
"Thanks for that talk back when I was fourteen," Stiles tells his father. "I am so glad that I waited for the right person."
"You remember that?" the Sheriff asks surprised.
Stiles smirks. "Of course I remember. It isn't every day that your dad threatens to cut off your balls."
Together they all start to enter the ballroom where Derek is waiting. Because that is where he and Derek are getting married. Stiles get to keep Derek forever, maybe he actually is lucky.
"Hey buddy," Scott calls.
"Yeah?"
Scott is scrutinizing the package of Ice Breakers. "These expired five years ago."
Damn. Vending machines one hundred and fifty, Stiles zero.
...
"Are you sure you don't regret marrying me? I am literally in a lifelong feud with a bunch of inanimate objects that even kindergartners can use without a problem. Seriously, I could be squished to death by a vending machine any day now."
Derek pulls him closer, till their bodies are flush against each other.
"Would I let a machine fall on you?" Derek asks. He kisses across Stiles' neck, making the younger man shiver.
"Noooo," Stiles answers.
"If there was a machine that was about to fall on you, wouldn't I be able to hold it up with my bare hands?" Derek slowly strokes the nape of his neck.
"Mmm. Yeah," Stiles agrees.
"If you had a problem wouldn't I just be able to break the glass and get whatever you wanted out of the machine?" Derek nips his ear.
"Yesss," Stiles pants.
"Then I think the only thing you should be worried about is how many times I plan to make you get off on our honeymoon," Derek licks a patch of skin on his collarbone.
"You are absolutely right husband," Stiles agrees.
"What was the tally of the number of times that you've been stiffed by vending machines?"
"One hundred and fifty," Stiles says.
"I can beat that the first night," Derek smirks. "Let's see how many times I can make you stiff."
Stiles laughs. "Take that vending machines."
..
Honeymoon Tally
Vending Machines: 150
Derek Hale: 475