22 August 1611

Today was my sixteenth birthday! I left home earlier than normal today and went to Sigmun and Dolora's house, like every day. I wasn't sure they'd remember, but they did! Dolora baked a little cake with icing and it was simply delicious. Simonn gave me a green hair ribbon that'll be really nice to use to tie back my hair when it's a sticky, frizzy mess, Sigmun gave me a beautiful pen, and Dolora gave me this journal. I like keeping a journal; I think I'll keep it up.

There's one more thing: Sigmun gave me flowers. He came from the clearing right before Dolora set out the cake with this messy bunch of wildflowers. His hair was messy, and he wasn't wearing shoes, and his pants were too short because of how fast he's growing but…he was the most handsome I've ever seen him. So I look the flowers like a glass vase and I…I kissed him, right on the cheek. He blushed so red! Is it possible to fall in love with someone you've known since you were seven? I certainly think so.

Mother forgot my birthday again. I don't know what I was expecting.

23 August 1611

He brought me flowers again. I wonder if he intends to keep doing this? Sometimes I catch him looking at me; maybe that's why?

Does he love me?

Simonn didn't come by today; I think he's with his parents. It's not fair to be jealous of him, but his parents love him, and…I wish mine did.

24 August 1611

He brought me flowers again today! Sigmun just has the sweetest smile I've ever seen and it is far too endearing to be healthy for me. He just makes me feel dizzy, the absolute sweetheart! Dolora saw today and she gave him this look. I know she knows something of this, just from being his mother and my…I don't know what.

Who is Dolora to me? She's not at all like Mother, but I don't really know what a mother is supposed to be to someone except that I don't think a mother is supposed to be like mine. Dolora keeps an eye on me and knows me almost as well as I know myself and she tells me to eat lunch even though I'm never hungry. I suppose…like an aunt? Mother's never taken me to see any of my other family (assuming I have any), so I don't know what sort of relationship one ought to have with one's aunt.

I don't know what Dolora is to me, but she's amazing.

25 August 1611

Mother says I have to do the shopping because she's busy. What on Earth could my mother possibly be busy with during the day? We live off Father's job, and she never cooks or cleans or anything but drinks. I don't know why she's doing this.

Anyways, I've got to run because I have to buy something for dinner tonight. I'll do proper shopping tomorrow.

26 August 1611

The market was so busy today! It took me quite a while to get everything I needed, and now it's very late and I'm exhausted. I've been up late for three or four nights in a row now and I want to get more sleep. Maybe I'll write more then.

27 August 1611

Flowers again. This time he put in some daffodils (my favorite) from Dolora's garden. He has the most gorgeous smile! And he's still not wearing any shoes; he's shooting up like a weed! I don't think he knows what that smile does to me. It makes my insides squirm like a million worms and my face warm as the sun.

Maybe it's good he doesn't know what. I'd just die if he knew what I've been feeling for him, not the least of which because Mother might kill me.

28 August 1611

Today Mother told me I'd best be married before I'm eighteen or she'd leave me here alone. She's been wanting to leave for a long time to go with Father when he travels, because he travels a good deal. I don't want to get married now! The only man I would even consider marrying is Sigmun. I suppose if I had, if someone was going to die if I didn't get married and I couldn't marry Sigmun, I'd marry Simonn. But Mother wants me to marry someone like Patrik, and I most certainly do not want to marry him! He's the rudest, most condescending person I know!

It is times like this when I remember that she is not my mother by birth.

29 August 1611

I'm falling head over heels for Sigmun. I might as well own up to it in this little book. I really like him, different than Simonn or anyone else I've ever met. It's like when I met that boy Peter in the village, only much worse. I feel like I've fallen out of a tree in the best way possible. It's been getting worse for about half a year now. Is this love?

30 August 1611

These flowers are starting to pile up in my room. I don't have to share with anyone since Mother and Father don't have any blood children, so I can keep them. I sneak outside to the well at night to refill my glass to keep them alive. They die in about a week, though…I guess that's why he keeps bringing me flowers.

He's so adorable, though, like that. I always come over at the same time, give or take, and every day he emerges from the woods with his messy hair and he's all red-faced and holding this messy bunch of flowers and he's got that earnest little smile and…I just melt inside. I feel so silly, but I almost can't help it. I feel like a wobbly mess when I look at him.

I can't get like this. Mother was, and I swore I never would be.

31 August 1611

To Do:

Dress patterns (better-fitting shift)

Errands

New shoes

Learn to cook Yorkshire pudding

Nice flowers for Sigmun

Stop thinking about Sigmun!

1 September 1611

We explored more in the woods today, not really expecting to find anything, but we found this little stream I'd never seen before! We followed the stream a bit and it turns out it runs right by the first clearing we ever found, the one with the pine tree in the middle. And it seems to be helping some berries grow, which is excellent. We picked some berries to bring back to Dolora, and Sigmun picked some and held them out to me like those flowers and I swear he's just the sweetest boy I've ever met!

This is so frustrating! I don't want to let some love like this ruin my life! I'm trying to stop thinking about him, but failing horribly. His eyes, just the color of chocolate cake I can never afford that turn scarlet in the right sort of light, and his-

No, no, no. NO. I won't let that happen!

2 September 1611

We stayed inside today because it was raining and Dolora taught us how to make her version of Yorkshire pudding, with two and a half cups of fat drippings and butter. I really like that she doesn't just teach me to sew and cook, or just Sigmun and Simonn how to read and write. Mother doesn't know I can read and write, of course. She'd be horribly angry with me, because she can't.

Anyways, we had pudding for lunch. Dolora was eating all nice with a fork and knife, and Simonn ate very fast because he does that because of all his siblings, and Sigmun ate double anyone else because he's shooting up like a weed, and I ate very carefully because I could feel Sigmun watching me and I didn't want to spill all over myself with him there.

I need to talk to Mother about getting new shirts. Since I started growing sometime in the past year, I've grown in more ways than one and my old shirts don't fit too well anymore.

3 September 1611

I give up. I'm in love with him.

4 September 1611

I wrote a draft of a letter I might give him to tell him. But it's absolute rubbish and I ended up throwing it in the fire (so Mother doesn't find out I can write). And, I mean, he brings me flowers, and though I'm certainly not pretty or anything special, I suppose…I suppose he likes me. But I can't love him. Mother would kill me if I married the illegitimate son of the village witch. If I let him know I love him like that, he'll want to be together. In a few years he'll want to get married! I can't deny that I want to marry him, but I…I just can't.

I can't tell him.

5 September 1611

I was early today. Dolora was sipping her tea and I said hi like I always do, and we talked a little (because Dolora is very interesting to talk to, and so much nicer than Mother) and she told me that Simonn and Sigmun were upstairs because it was windy out. What a silly excuse! So I climbed the stairs and I was about to go in when I heard them talking. I know it's horrible (they're my best friends!), but I may have sort of eavesdropped on them. Just a little. Here's what I heard.

"But…she's gorgeous, and clever, and funny, and…ugh!"

"You like her," Simonn teased.

"Shut up!"

"You do. You practically just said so yourself, stupid."

"When?"

Simonn put on a voice and said, "She's gorgeous and really clever and really funny…"

"Shut up," Sigmun whined.

"So do you like her or not?"

Sigmun didn't say anything for a moment. "Alright, fine. I like her. A lot."

"Let me guess. Since we turned sixteen and started growing up?" I'm going to get Simonn for that.

"Don't be an arse. It's not just-whatever it is that happens to our minds when we get older and want to sleep with everyone we look at. Since we were fourteen."

"You've got it baaaaad."

"Stop it!"

"So what're you going to do about it?"

"Nothing, obviously. She doesn't like me back, isn't it obvious?" I winced. I couldn't help it.

"Not really. I think you're being an idiot."

"Am not!"

"Yes you are!"

"Look, she's supposed to be here."

I chose that moment to knock on the door and say, "Hi, Sigmun, Simonn!"

"C-Coming!" Sigmun stammered. He opened the door and Simonn was sitting down and leaning against the wall with this smug look on his face and I couldn't help but ask. "What're you so smug about?"

"Sigmun, would you care to tell Dianna exactly why I'm so smug right now?"

"No, shut up."

"Fine. Then I shall remain mum on the topic."

I rolled my eyes. "Never mind, then. My goodness."

"I'm sorry," Sigmun said, wincing. "I'll tell you later."

"If you say so," I relented, because his face was so red I thought he'd faint. Simonn gave a snort of sarcastic laughter.

"Are you sure, Siggy?" Simonn taunted. I decided to save Sigmun from properly fainting.

"It's not so windy now. C'mon, let's climb the tree!"

"Who said it was windy?" Sigmun asked.

"Dolora did, when I got here. She was having tea and everything."

"Oh."

So we went to the clearing with the huge pine tree and raced up to the top. I feel like that's something most sixteen-year-olds don't do, but I love climbing trees and so do Sigmun and Simonn.

I suppose that settles it. He likes me, and doesn't think I like him.

I'm not sure how long I can keep this up.

6 September 1611

We go into the village some days, now. The three of us just sort of wander around the market and the prettier buildings of our little village. Sometimes we also talk to Hannah or Neolla or Mariek or Sumner or sometimes Patrik, now that he's not so rude. Sometimes Candas and Orvill and Grantt come from the city, but I don't like them so much. They're a little scary.

It's really nice, the market. Simonn's always cynical and silly and poking fun at everything, and Sigmun is always laughing along and telling his own jokes and silly stories and our inside jokes and…I really like those sorts of days.

Sigmun's had bumps mine more often than you'd expect. It can't be a coincidence.

7 September 1611

Mother said I had to stay home today and she didn't even bother to come up with some lie of a reason. And that's why I came up with my lie. I told her I have a job to pay for my dowry. The only reason she approved was because she wants me married to someone rich, like Patrik. So…now I have an excuse. And I can tell her I'm visiting my girl friends on weekends. Which I usually am; since most of my friends in the village are girls and we mostly go into the village on weekends, I usually visit with Hannah and Neolla and Mariek on weekends.

Anyways, Mother believed me and I made it to Sigmun and Dolora's house.

8 September 1611

We had a plan for what we were going to do today and it was really fun!

When I got there, Sigmun had flowers like he does and I took them and kissed him on the cheek (like always) and Simonn just started laughing and laughing and laughing. And since we were about to go, I had to go inside and ask Dolora for a cup of water to put the flowers in. She gave me this look and I knew she knew about the flowers.

It was early when we set off into the woods. Sigmun found an old map of the forest with an old house marked on it, and we were going to try to find it. Dolora said her Uncle George wanted to be a cartographer, so he practiced on the woods. Anyways, we were going to find the old house and I was excited! It took hours, but we found it. It's not much of a house anymore, though. It looks like it was burned down. I wonder what happened?

We ate lunch there and guessed at the past of the house before heading back. It's strange to think that someday someone might find Sigmun and Dolora's house and wonder the exact same thing.

9 September 1611

Mother sent me to do the shopping today. I already forgot she thinks I work in the village. This could get me in a lot of trouble before long because I go to Sigmun and Dolora's every day to spend time with my best friends. I'm not giving that up because Mother thinks it's wrong somehow. They're my friends! It's not up to Mother who I decide to be friends with!

Anyways, I left early and went to the market by myself today. What fun.

10 September 1611

Mother's trying to write to father. She can't really write much at all, so I'm not sure what exactly she's trying to get across. But that's why she wanted an envelope. I guess she misses Father, but why's she trying to write to him when he's probably out on the ocean somewhere? The letter won't reach him until he's back home (which is in about two months). On the other hand, what do I know? The only boy I've ever properly loved has never left town for more than two days at a time.

11 September 1611

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I dreamed that it started snowing early and the snow buried us in and Mother died because we didn't have enough food and Father never came home for me. I nearly always remember my dreams, good and bad, and I hate it. They're never just normal; they're always confusing and scary and I spend hours mulling them over, trying to pick sense out of them. It never works. A few of my dreams are out-and-out nightmares; those usually happen when I'm sick or one of my friends is sick or Father comes home. And a few of my dreams are just very good dreams, but I'd rather not write about those. It's much too embarrassing.

12 September 1611

Mother is getting more and more irritated that I never say home. I told her I'm just going to visit friends and to work, but she knows that my two best friends are boys and that we used to meet in the woods. The woods are much more interesting than the market! And anyways, we can't very well gather at Simonn's house because of all his siblings, or at my house because of Mother.

I don't know what her problem with me having friends who are boys is. On the other hand, she has very strict ideas in her head about what men and women are supposed to do. It's another one of her old-fashioned ideas. My friends are lucky. Since he's the oldest of his family, Simonn's parents don't really worry about him too much and he can do just about anything he likes. Dolora (of course) doesn't mind the three of us meeting up every day and I am very glad for that because when it's cold or snowy or rainy or a million degrees out, we can sit inside instead of trying to find proper shelter in the forest.

Mother tried to make me stay home today, but I told her I'd lose my job if I missed even one day of my job that I'm very vague about. I need to come up with a more specific lie before she catches on.

13 September 1611

I think I'll say I'm working at the seamstress's. They're at least three in the village and they all have a few girls working for them. I don't know, I'll tell her I do the buttons or something.

We came up with an idea to build a bridge across the river that runs past the mill and through the woods. It's between a mile and a half-mile walk and there's no way to cross it without a bridge. The closest bridge is five miles away and we can't walk that far every day. So we sketched out some ideas, figuratively speaking, and I think we'll have something put together by November. I certainly hope so!

14 September 1611

Mother believed me, about working for the seamstress. I can't believe it. I feel horrible about lying to Mother, but I just want to spend time with my best friends; is that really too much to ask for?

I wonder who Mother's friends were when she was my age. She lived in the city and she was quite rich and she went to a girl's school. That much I know. But I don't know much else. Mother doesn't seem to trust me. Maybe she thinks I've been corrupted.

I don't really care that much.

15 September 1611

Today it was raining, so we sat inside and just…talked about things. What else are best friends for? Although…especially Simonn, but they both try to act invulnerable all the time. We mostly talked about silly stuff and dared each other to do stupid things. But we talked some about our families, and how Simonn feels responsible for his siblings, and how even though Dolora's wonderful Sigmun wishes sometimes he had a father. He says he doesn't, but I'm sure he remembers being abandoned. I remember things from when I was three. And he remembers enough to be petrified of thunderstorms.

They already know about my family. They know how Mother's not my blood mother and Father's not my blood father. They know that my parents don't love me, and they know some of who my blood family is, but I haven't told them everything. I'm not sure they'd believe me, anyways. I hardly believe it myself! I wouldn't if it wasn't for the fact that Mother told me before she hated me.

16 September 1611

I can't believe it's taken me nine years to wonder this. I feel like such a bad person! Dolora said she had always wanted to be a mother, so why did she never marry? She's definitely pretty enough to. I ought to ask her sometime. Sigmun might've had siblings in another life.

I wonder what it's like, having siblings. I don't even have a father, not really. I just want to know what it's like to have more people around the house. Simonn would tell me I'm not missing anything (and he has told us, several times), but just one brother or sister would be kind of nice, I think. I guess it depends.

17 September 1611

I ask Dolora about marrying and she told me to sit down. So I did, but I was a little confused because what on Earth was it? And she told me that she would never marry because she can make her own money and will never love a man, and I asked her why, there must be someone, and Dolora said yes, there was, but she was a woman.

I didn't know women could love other women like women love men. I guess you learn something new every day. I'm not sure why she asked me to sit down. But…she did say "was". I wonder if the other woman died or maybe loved men? I still don't know why I'd have to sit down.

Maybe it's something to do with religion? I'm not sure, really, because Mother never took me to church. But it does seem to be the reason for lots of things.

18 September 1611

I'm actually trying to recall what Mother's told me about her religion. I follow her in that I believe in God, but I simply don't know enough beyond that to say what my religion is. I guess I believe in being kind to people? Is that religion? I don't know.

I wonder what people are like when they're born. Mean or kind or empty or…I don't know. I wonder about people a lot. I really ought to find some books on the subject. I'd bet anything Dolora has some. She has everything, from Sigmun's favorite romance novels that he doesn't know we know he likes to long, complicated books in Latin on things like physics. Her literature books are amazing! I love theater most of all. I'd never tell anyone, of course, because Mother says theater is a sin, but I love plays! I went to a play once with Sigmun and Simonn and it was amazing!

19 September 1611

I mentioned how much I love theater and Dolora said we can go see A Midsummer Night's Dream in two weeks, on the second! Dolora and Sigmun and Simonn and I. I can't wait!

Sigmun's been bringing me flowers every day since my birthday. One of these days Mother'll notice, but honestly I quite like them. There're so many flowers in my room that I think I'll have to get rid of some soon. Maybe I'll press them. That would be nice.

20 September 1611

When I got to Sigmun and Dolora's house today, Simonn was facedown on the couch and groaning, and when I asked what was wrong, Simonn said, "He likes someone."

"Who?"

Simonn groaned again. "Hannah."

"Aw, sweet," I said.

"And I'm trying to persuade him to tell her."

"She doesn't like me, obviously," Simonn said.

"I think she might!" I sadi. "Come on, it's not as bad as all that."

"Yes it is," Simonn said.

"My crush doesn't like me back, and I'm alright," Sigmun said, and my heart clenched. I can't tell him.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Simonn said. "Let's do something."

"Let's go look at the leaves!" Sigmun said.

"Yes, they're lovely when they're starting to change," I said.

"They'll be gone before long," Sigmun said.

"Cheerful," Simonn said sarcastically.

And I smiled, and Sigmun smiled, and we all went to the forest to see the leaves.

21 September 1611

It was Dolora's birthday today. She probably didn't think we'd remember or care. But it was also her day for running errands, and she told us she'd be in the village all day. So we had plenty of time to bake a cake.

I suppose the cake would've been a better idea if any of us could actually bake, but we had a recipe for cake that was made with just a little bit of sugar (we don't exactly have a lot of expensive food, Dolora being the midwife and all) and we figured that if you follow the recipe, what can go wrong?

As it turns out, a lot can go wrong. We got all the ingredients and mixed them up, but Simonn forgot a cup of flour so we had to add it later and I don't think it quite mixed through. Then Sigmun couldn't find the right pans, and we spend almost a half-hour searching. When we finally had the cake in the oven, Sigmun used a towel to adjust how the pans were sitting on the fire and it caught on fire, and I had to stamp it out because I was the only one still wearing shoes.

We finally had the cake out of the oven and it was only a little burned and the insides were only slightly raw. Simonn and I mixed up some sort of frosting while Sigmun searched the house for a good candle, and even though the sugar wouldn't mix in we frosted the cake as best as we could. Then we lit the candle and waited for Dolora to come home.

When she did, we were all in Sigmun's room like always and I heard her drop something that I hope didn't break. She called for us to come downstairs and she asked us if we'd made the cake and we said yes and I apologized for the towel and all. She told me there was nothing to be sorry for and cut it into pieces and we all ate that messed-up cake, even though it didn't taste very good, and Dolora looked so happy I thought she'd start glowing.

22 September 1611

I need to run errands soon before Mother starts yelling at me again. I'm never good enough for her. I talk back to her and I'm ugly and I'm much too energetic all the time like some sort of ten-year-old boy, and I'm not interesting enough and I'm not "kind" enough and I'm not pretty enough. (Kind, my foot. She means accommodating, and I'm not that at all.) It's always about how I look with Mother. I mean, she's right, but I do wish she'd say something nice for once. I'm just useless, worthless, helpless, hopeless. Aren't mothers supposed to be kind to their daughters? Or am I missing something?

23 September 1611

At least Mother does some of the cooking. I'm no good at cooking. The only problem is that sometimes, when we fight, she doesn't let me eat dinner. I don't like that because I feel like she'd rather I die than live here a day longer. On the other hand, that's probably true.

I wish I wasn't so…everything. I wish I wasn't so ugly, clumsy, growing, bad at cooking, bad at sewing and needlepoint and knitting, disobedient…I could go on. I wish I wasn't like that because I think my friends would still care about me and maybe Mother would love me.

24 September 1611

I need a new hairbrush. Dolora helps me brush my hair once in a while because my hair's very curly and thick and in desperate need of brushing no matter what I do to it. Sigmun says I have nice hair, but I'm fairly certain he's just flattering me. He would. Anyways, my old brush is broken beyond repair this time from Mother throwing it. I'm not sure how I'll get a new one, since Mother certainly won't want me to buy one.

At this rate, I actually will have to find a job somewhere.

25 September 1611

Mother went to church today. She usually goes once a month or so and she tells me I can't go. I don't know why, really. Simonn and his family go to church every Sunday like most people, and Sigmun would go but he wasn't baptized and Dolora would go but the village thinks she's a witch. I don't go because Mother won't let me.

Today we talked about all the stuff that goes wrong around here. I know it's not fair how women are treated, and it's not fair how people with dark skin are treated, and it's not fair how illegitimate children are treated. It's just not fair! People tell me it is, but I know it's not. People aren't all the same, but we all ought to be treated equally.

Something really ought to be done about it.

26 September 1611

I wonder what it'd be like to go to school. I mean, Dolora teaches us, and we can read whatever we can reach in the library, but it'd be interesting to go to a proper school and get a proper education. It's really the only advantage I can think of I'd've had if I'd stayed in my birth family.

27 September 1611

I wonder what it'd be like, having children. I suppose I'll find out one of these days, because I do plan on getting married (just not when Mother wants). I'm just afraid of what'll happen to me and to my future child. I could easily die any number of ways, as could my child if he or she isn't a stillborn already. I'm terrified. I'm glad no one else reads these journals, because I'm absolutely terrified of giving birth and I don't want anyone to know that. I'm a woman, and women aren't supposed to have any reservations about having lots of children. I do want children, but I'm so afraid.

28 September 1611

I have so many errands to do. I really need a new corset.

29 September 1611

I've decided I'll keep this journal in my closet, under my four-year-old corset. Hopefully Mother won't think to look there. I think she suspects this journal because I spend so much time in my room, but I can hide my little book, and she couldn't read it even if she found it.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately. His lovely hair, his eyes that flash red in the light, his smooth and tanned skin, his able hands, his perfect face-shape, his gorgeous structure, everything about how he looks. And about how he's empathetic, and compassionate, and strong, and brave, and curious, and clever, and creative, and romantic, and sweet, and earnest, and…everything! And the worst part is that I don't just think about him. I think about him and me together and I can't stop that either! I keep having dreams of spending time with him in a clearing, just the two of us, and sometimes, since I can't control my dreams, he leans in and we kiss and he starts kissing me harder and sometimes I feel his hands run down my back and-no, I can't finish that sentence.

It's humiliating when I wake from one of these dreams. Mother's told me things like them are wrong, but that's not why it's embarrassing. It's awful because I like them.

30 September 1611

Dolora made us all practice writing today. I guess she doesn't know I write every day. Simonn's handwriting is awful as ever. Sigmun's letters are neat and even like mine aren't. I love looking at Sigmun's writing, even more so I love him. I love Simonn, too, of course, but Sigmun is different.

Also I managed to sew myself one shirt that fits and won't fall apart. It's embarrassing that I'm growing this way and I wish I wasn't, especially since I feel like it's been overnight.

We go to the play in two days. I can't wait!