A/N: This is all supposed to be a comedy. All rights of the Inheritance cycle belong to Christopher Paolini.

Some people are born great.

And then there's Eragon. Even before he was born, he was deemed the biggest loser in Carvahall and won the title consecutively every year. You'd think being a billionaire would have somehow cheered him up, but in reality most of the money was just used by his father Garrow and brother Roran. Garrow mainly used it to escape from the police and expand his crime ring, and Roran mainly used it to invest in various steroids.

Despite all of that, people still liked Roran way better than they did Eragon. Eventually Eragon got tired of all of the attention that his brother got and decided to go into the woods to hunt a deer and show everyone just how much more of a man he was.

Unfortunately, Eragon was really unprepared. Half of his belongings were electronics (Ipads, a Macbook, a plasma screen television, etc.) and Eragon had already spent half a day trying to figure out where the sockets were in the woods.

Eventually, he ran out of food and decided that stealing from girl scouts was his only option. However, they just beat him up. Now, since it is very sad to see a fifteen-year-old boy on his knees crying and begging some girl scouts for a favor, they agreed to help him.

The deer that Eragon was pursuing was a really fat and unrealistically obese one, probably because it spent its time wandering around eating leftovers from McDonald's, but Eragon still had a hard time trying to track it.

But then, one day while the deer was munching on a Big Mac, Eragon knocked his bow. Today was the day. He had spent fifteen years of humiliation under Roran, but now all of that was going to change. He let the arrow go, and it would have definitely sunk into the deer's neck.

You know, if there hadn't been an explosion that caused the deer to bolt and Eragon's arrow to miss by an inch. Eragon spent the next three hours cursing and swearing, and later on the owners of the restaurant would get an uncomfortable feeling that there was a rather ill-mannered ghost out back.

Still, Eragon was smart enough to try and figure out what had caused that explosion.

"If this was another bomb test by the U.S. military, I swear I'm going to grab Obama and-" Eragon stopped muttering as he saw that there was a small stone there. And not just any stone, Eragon knew exactly what this was. A dragon egg.

Just then all of his doubts disappeared. With this egg, he would go and become a dragon rider! And then, he would go and become a total hero and Roran would totally be jealous of him.

In the end, he decided that he would just go and buy some meat from Sloan's and try to pass it off as stuff that he had hunted and got. After all, there was no way that Roran of all people could possible know the difference.

Thing was though, that he was slightly apprehensive about going into Sloan's shop. It wasn't that Sloan hated him. Actually, it was the exact opposite, and that was what made Eragon nervous. Sloan had confessed to Eragon last year, but Eragon was sure that over this lengthy span of time Sloan had finally gotten over it.

Eragon walked into the shop and Sloan was next to him in under point three seconds.

"Hey there Eragon! Long time no see! Did you notice my new haircut? I got it at…" Sloan rambled like this for around fifteen minutes before Eragon shot him down and gave him his platinum credit card.

Sloan swiped the card, all while seeming depressed, and said, "Your card is invalid. It isn't working."

Eragon didn't see how that was possible, unless Sloan had been ordering hookers on it again, but he was sure that that wasn't the case. "Shoot, I don't have money on me right now."

Sloan's eyes brightened. "You know, there's another way that you can pay me."

Eragon was out of the shop in record time. It was better to go home humiliated than whatever Sloan was planning to do to him.

He then made his way towards his mansion. It was a long ways from Carvahall, and Garrow liked to keep it like that so that they would always have a good head start whenever the cops came around.

Waiting at the front of the mansion, was Eragon's jerk brother, Roran himself. He was muscular to the point of it being an abomination, largely because of all the steroid he consumed. Eragon was hoping everyday that the side effects of them would get rid of him someday.

"Look at the legendary hunter himself, come back with his invisible prey," Roran said smirking. Eragon really wanted to punch him but didn't. It wasn't that Eragon was afraid of fighting Roran, seriously, that would have been ridiculous. It was just that Eragon was sure that Roran was autistic and didn't want to beat him up.

Even though Roran had an IQ of around 15 and couldn't tie his shoes, for some reason everyone in town loved him. All the girls swooned after him, all guys wanted to be him, yada yada, you know, that sort of stuff.

"Why are there the sounds of children crying?" Eragon asked rather than reply to Roran.

"Oh that," Roran said. "That's just some children he's locked up in the basement."

Eragon shuddered. He had for a long time suspected that Garrow was a Pedo, but didn't know that he would stoop that low.

Roran guessed what Eragon was thinking. "Anyway, all those kids are bought from the guys down at Carvahall. They make way too many kids and Garrow's just taking them."

There was something really messed up with that, Eragon thought. But then again, there was just something really messed up with Garrow in general. Seriously, even though he had loads of money, why did he go around doing all sorts of weird criminal stuff?

Anyway, night soon came and they all sat down for dinner. Garrow mainly talked during this time about his life as a crime lord and made it sound way more glorious than it really was. Seriously, the only thing was that life in Carvahall made it so that farming was impossible, so it just ended up being a big drug and human trafficking town.

"Why didn't my credit card work?" Eragon asked.

"Oh that," Garrow said. "You see, I have to tell you a few things son. First of all, you're adopted."

Eragon then did a spit-take. "What? But, but you said that-"

Garrow waved him down. "Regardless of what I said, you're adopted. And another thing, all of our money really comes from stuff that your mother left you. You see though, she entrusted me with all her money for some reason, and we've decided that we're going to kick you out of the family."

Eragon was speechless. He had to say something fast. "But-but, I found this dragon egg while hunting! That means I'm a rider now!"

Roran and Garrow both looked at the rock and laughed so hard that both of them fell out of their chairs.

"Really?" Garrow said in-between chuckles. "A dragon egg? Do you believe in the tooth fairy as well?"

"And Santa Claus!" Roran chimed in, which Eragon thought was dumb since Roran hadn't stopped believing in him just six months ago.

Eragon's faced burned and he actually began crying. "Don't say that! I know dragon riders are real!"

"Aww, look, he's crying," Garrow said. "Why don't you go home to your mommy little boy? Oh yeah, you don't have one!"

Eragon sobbed and ran outside the room with the other two still chuckling their heads off. He would've probably left the house too if he hadn't ran into their lawyer on the way out.

"Hello there Eragon," the lawyer said in a monotonous voice. "I have a few things to tell you about your mother's will."

Eragon suppressed a sniffle. "Will you help me get her fortune back?"

The lawyer snorted. "Of course not kiddo, I'm a lawyer and I've been paid huge amounts by Garrow to make sure you get nothing. However, I am obliged to tell you that your mother left a loophole just in case something like this happened. You can get your fortune back."

Eragon immediately stopped sobbing. "Really? How?"

"Oh nothing," the lawyer said. "It's just that if you manage to defeat Galbatorix, become head of the dragon riders, and manage to marry an elven princess, you can have it back."

"What?" Eragon said. "But that's impossible!"

The lawyer nodded and ran off to go take a ride in his newly purchased BMW.

Eragon spent the remainder of the night sniffling like a three-year-old who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas. As a matter of fact, even a three-year-old would have been embarrassed at how much Eragon was crying.

He then quite pathetically turned his eyes towards the sky and noticed the stars. Sobbing, he said, "My mommy said that if you wish on a star, all your dweams will come twoo. I wanna have my money back, I hate dat jerk Wowran and Gawwow. My mommy told me that if I ever got lonely and shad, I could go and wish on a staw."

Just then, he heard a few sounds coming from the rock. He whirled around, and astonished, he noticed that the stone was breaking.

Eragon just stared at the egg as a whole new creature came out. It was a dragon! A real dragon!

And then, the dragon actually talked to him.

What was that?

"What was what?" Eragon asked.

No, like seriously, I've spent an eternity in that egg waiting for the right time to get out. But then, you had to pick me up.

"Does dat mean I'm special?" Eragon asked. "My mommy always shaid I was special."

Hell no! the baby dragon said. I just couldn't stand you and actually had to come out just to shut you up! Why are you even talking like a five-year-old princess in a Disney movie anyway? Come on, now, it is time for us to take over the world.

A/N: And there we end it. Comments are appreciated, and if you can't spare those, just type in 'LOL' in the review box if you thought it was funny. It only takes a few seconds you know.