Title: Drifting along

Summery: Rin Okumura and the faces that matter.

Dedication: Rin and Yukio. Happy birthday you little goof balls.

Warning: Spoiler for the entire Anime. Contains Rin/Shiemi

Word count: 1693

You are Rin and you are six and you are angry. You're angry, so very, very, very angry! You want to turn everything to ashes. You want to destroy. You want to kill. You want to bring chaos.

But you won't.

You remind yourself to Breath.

Calm. Down.

You tell yourself to remember. To think. You force yourself to remember everyone in the monastery. To remember your family. You try to think about the shame and humiliation you're bringing them. You think about your Dad. Remember what your father taught you. Think about Yukio. You remember the way they look at Yukio because of you. Think about the million promises you made to yourself. You try to remember who you are.

Calm. Down.

"You're not human. You-you you're the devil. "

And you lose it. You attack him. You hit him again and again and again. You forget everything and everyone. You forget everything that matters.

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(—and maybe you are the demon they claim you to be.)

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You're fifteen and sitting in your father's funeral and feeling something you never felt before. You hate that feeling. You hate it. Hate it. (Hate. Hate. Hate.)

You hate the fact that everyone's hurt because of you. You hate the fact that your Dad died because of you. You hate the feeling of being protected. (Hate. Hate. Hate.)

But what you hate the most is the thing that caused this.

Satan.

You hate Satan.

(Hate. Hate. Hate.)

So you will get rid of your hatred. You will get rid of this feeling you detest so much. You will get stronger. (Stronger and stronger and stronger.)

You will become an Exorcist. You don't care what anybody says. You'll be strong. Like your father. Like your old man. You'll be strong enough to find and kill the thing that took away your dad.

Next time you're the one who's going to protect everybody.

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("I'm NOT the son of Satan. That thing is not my father. I have only one father and his name is Fujimoto Shiro.")

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You're in class and all the other Paige's are wandering why their classroom is such a mess and why you and Yukio are sweating and panting and grinning. But you don't care. Everything feels okay now because you don't have to hide it from him. You're glad that you're in it together.

Now it's you and Yukio.

Now it's your baby brother and you.

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(Suddenly you don't mind if the world turns against you.)

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You're waiting in front of the supply shop. Bored and irritated and a tad bit disappointed. You were hoping to get to fight something. So you let your eyes wander. Who knows? Maybe you'll find that something you came looking for.

Wall… Pebbles… Grass… flowers…bugs… Birds… Sky… Stairs… Door... Shop… Fence… Gates… a gorgeous Garden… Girl…you analyze everything leisurely, not lingering on any of your thoughts. you're-

Wait, what? A girl?

No, your eyes were not fooling you.

There is a girl in the most beautiful garden you've ever seen. The girl has sandy blond hair, beautiful green eyes and a little color on her cheeks. But that's not what you linger on. She catches your interest because she's wearing such a tender smile. It's filled with affection, kindness and something you can't describe. It's smile that says, "You're loved."

It's a kind of smile that was never directed towards you.

Before you register what you're doing your hand reaches out for the gate.

And it sends a shock down your hand.

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(You didn't regret touching that gate. And you never will. Never, ever.)

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You bond with the boys a sunny day.

All the teachers are out on a difficult exorcism and they wouldn't let you go with them. So you have nothing to do right now. Usually you would spend the time with Shiemi. But she was feeling sick and you walked her home early. The regular students are still in class so there are no guys to hang out with and no chicks to hit on.

Then you spot the three boys from class by the fountain and you invade them. You crash in and grin at them in greeting. Shima grins back, Konekomaru offers a smile and Bon yells at you and you shout back. Before you know what's happening you're in a full fledge verbal battle with him and you can't back down.

"Who are you calling dumbass, Rooster head?"

"Who are you calling Rooster head, dumbass?"

And you attack him. You're trying your best to hit him and he's doing the same. But it's … different. Because you're laughing under your scowl and so is he. Under Konekomaru and Shima's worried glances and discouraging words, they are both grinning and laughing and having fun.

You wonder if this is how it feels to have friends.

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("You're not alone, dammit! You have friends so don't go rushing in on your own! It pisses me off!")

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You don't like Kamiki. She's mean and rude and smug in a way that feels so familiar that it pisses you off.

She's always teasing Bon for his passion, laughing at your ambition and bringing everyone's confidence down. She acts like she's perfect and it's their fault for not being perfect. It's like her reason to be here is to crash everyone else's confidence.

But what's worse is the way she treats Shiemi. Shiemi believes her to be a friend and eyebrows treats the blonde like shit. She makes Shiemi carry her bag and makes her buy all her supplies. She practically bullies the other girl around and you're pretty sure finds it amusing.

You don't like Kamiki at all. But her attitude is familiar in a way that you hate.

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(It hits you in the midnight on the first day of boot camp. She vaguely reminds you of your past self.)

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You're looking at Shiemi as she sleeps soundly. She's just tired, you know. She just did a great a thing. She saved everyone. She saved everyone.

She's okay, you know that. She is fine with her dangerously low self-esteem and bright green eyes and adorable clumsiness. You suddenly have the urge to brush away the hair tickling her brows and you realize your crash on her is growing by the second. You force yourself to look away.

You look at your friends —if that's what they are— instead. Everyone else is doing fairly better than Shiemi. Kamiki — who isn't as bad as you thought her to be— is quite alright. Konekomaru is doing okay too. Bon has bruises on his neck but the wound on Shima's back is barely a scrape.

You let out a sigh of relief. They're safe. They're okay.

The only people you give a shit about are all fine.

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("You wouldn't understand! You've ALWAYS been strong!")

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You're lying on the roof and you're bleeding out and you aren't worried. (Because —as much as you hate it— you're not completely human.) But the girl looming over you is worrying enough for the both of you and maybe more.

Her small hands are rushing to put some plant extract on your quickly closing wounds and you can only focus on her. Everything on your mind is her small hands moving across your stomach and the drop of tears that are rolling down her cheek.

She's crying and she's crying for you. And for some (sick) reason you're happy she's crying.

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(And you are falling harder every day.)

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Amaimon is hitting you.

It hurts.

You are hurting all over.

And you have to destroy.

You need to destroy.

You want to light everything on fire. You want everything to burn. You want to turn everything around you to ashes.

You haven't changed at all.

You're helpless against this feeling of mania and paranoia and bloodlust.

Destroy. Kill. Burn.

Destroy. Kill. Burn.

Destroy. Kill. Burn.

You start to lose yourself. You start to forget your promises to yourself. You start to forget the oath you took. You start to forget the feeling of being human. You start to become a demon.

Then you hear someone scream.

Shiemi.

No.

no, no, no, no, no, NO!

Blue fames rush towards the blonde.

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("Hey Rin… We should definitely come back here someday!")

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You burst into blue flames and you know your friends can see you. It's okay, you decide. You can't keep lying to them. Whether they accept you or not. They still need to know the truth. You owe them at least that.

So you fight. You fight to protect. You fight to save the ones you love. You fight. fight. fight.

You believe that this time the flames can't consume you.

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(—you're wrong.)

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It's September and it's not snowing and it's actually Kamiki's birthday but you're celebrating your birthday too and you're happy because it's a group birthday and you're all together.

You can't keep the stupid grin of your face. And everyone else is grinning and smiling with you. And it makes you happier.

You're watching as Yukio is trying to keep his laughter hidden under that pout. You're smiling as Shima is trying his best not to fall of the chair from his laughter. You're laughing at Bon's blush while he's yelling through the phone at his childhood friend. You're tearing up because Sheimi is trying to get Shura to stop drinking and Kamiki is laughing with Konekomaru.

You're smiling and grinning and laughing and you're happy.

You don't know what tomorrow bring and you don't know if the Vatican will try to kill you off again, but that's okay.

Right now, you're with family and friend and right now you don't give a shit about tomorrow.

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(—you wish you could stay this happy all your life.)

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Fin

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