It was cold. Icy winds zipped through his thin jacket, whipping through the canvas of shoes. Jess's fingers were cold inside his pocket but he didn't care. He didn't care because he was going to see Santa Claus.

Liz had promised. He'd told her all about how Jenny at school had talked about seeing Santa at the mall and for once his mother's eyes had brightened.

Yeah, she'd said, putting down the still-sparked lit of her strange cigarette. I went to see Santa when I was a kid, it was cool. My mom took me.

He'd watched her carefully. Jess knew that talking about Liz's mom was dangerous. It often ended with tears of a terrible kind. One day he had come home after learning about grandparents at school and asked Liz where her mom was and why she never talked about her. It had ended with screaming, Liz locking herself in her room and crying for three hours. Jess had waited outside for her. Sesame Street was on but he wasn't watching it. Eventually she had come out, red around the eyes and hugged him tightly, a sweet smell of liquor on her breath. She'd said she was sorry but whenever he tried to find out more about her mother the result was the same. Jess tried not to ask after that.

That day it seemed different. Liz was smiling and it was a different kind of the smile than the kind she had usually. It lit up her whole face and made her son smile too.

Daddy had already taken Luke, she added. I don't know why I couldn't go but my mom said it was just us girls. I liked that. I got a hair ribbon and a candy cane and my mom tied it in my hair and I said looked pretty.

Jess waited to see if she would say anymore. She was silent for a while and then let out a laugh, making him spill the glass of milk he had poured.

Of course, Daddy didn't notice, she said. But it didn't matter. It was my day with Mom.

She fell silent again and, just as Jess was ready to slip away and put on Sesame Street she smiled again.

We can go see Santa, Jesse. Girls' day out!

He's so happy that he doesn't bother correcting her that he's not a girl, for all he gets teased at school for having a girl's name. He asks when but that seems to annoy her so he runs to the television set without asking more. It doesn't matter that Liz won't say anymore, won't tell him when – he's going and that's all that matters.

Today's the day. Liz had brushed his hair when most days she doesn't even bother and zipped his jacket up tight. He's lost a mitten but it doesn't matter, he sticks the bare hand in his pocket and puts the other in Liz's. They are off and away and she's talking normally and walking steadily, when most days there's a wobble to her voice and a slip to her step.

The mall is warm. The iciness of the air melts as they step into the building and heat tickles at Jess's skin. He laughs out loud and Liz laughs too, sounding a little puzzled but chuckling all the same.

They walk for what feels like a long time, Liz stopping to stare at all the dresses in the shop and sighing about what she would do with money. She stares and stares at a red dress and Jess lets go of her hand and peels off his mitten from his sticky hand. Liz doesn't notice. She won't look away from the dress, or the shoes and snaps something irritable when Jess tries to ask where Santa is.

Jess, bored, walks away. There's a shop window right next to it with toys in the window, flashing with bright lights and colours. Jess presses his nose against the glass, longing for a toy truck or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. All the kids at school have a turtle toy and Jess wants one too. He stares and stares until some big kid deliberately brushes against him, guffawing with laughter as he falls to the ground. Jess gets to his feet, unhurt although sore, and turns around. He can't see the kid and he can't see Liz but he can see a glittering building ahead, a lady clad in green and a sign saying Santa.

Jess breaks into a run. He doesn't care about Liz, doesn't care about the toystore and doesn't care about his sore patch where he fell. This is where Santa lives, where he gave his mom a candy cane and a ribbon and Jess skids to a halt in front of the lady in green.

"Santa!" he cries up at her. The lady raises her eyebrows.

"Got your mommy and daddy with you?"

"I don't have a daddy," Jess tells her, which makes her raise her eyebrows even more. "My mommy's over there."

"Over there where?"

"By the dress," Jess says impatiently and then remembers the little he's been told about manners. "Please let me go see Santa? Please?"

"Do you have two dollars?" the lady asks and, just as his heart sinks and he shakes his head a booming voice inside says,

"Isn't it Christmas, after all? Let the boy in."

The lady looks disgruntled but she steps aside. Jess peeks round to see a man in a red suit and a white beard sitting on a big chair, a sack of gifts aside. His breath catches in his throat.

"You don't need to be shy," the man says kindly. "It's alright."

Jess believes him. He looks behind but Liz isn't there and he's scared that if he waits he won't be allowed in. Slowly, he steps into the grotto and up to where Santa is sitting. There's someone else dressed in green next to him but it's a man.

"Hello young man," Santa says. "Have you been a good boy this year?"

Jess shrugs. He's tried to be but he missed recess when he punched Nathan on the nose. Nathan had called his mother a slut. Jess didn't know what slut meant but he knew it was something he deserved punching for. The teacher hadn't agreed.

"I'm sure you have," booms Santa. "You look like a good boy."

Jess looks down at his shoes. No one at school agrees.

"How old are you?"

"Six," Jess says in a small voice. Santa smiles.

"Wonderful age. What would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks, his eyes twinkling.

Jess looks down. There's lots of things he wants. He wants all the toys in the store window, the pair of rollerblades he saw a kid wearing in the park and an endless supply of candy. What he really wants, however, is Liz to be happy. He wants her to smile like she did today, looking okay, and he wants it to always be like this. He wants to see Uncle Luke again. He wants to stay in the same apartment, without of the guys Liz meets and he wants to make a friend. Jess doesn't know how to say any of that though and he can only look at Santa and feel shy.

"Not sure what you want?" Santa asks. Jess nods. "Well. Would you like a gift?"

Would he? Jess wants to say that he does but all that comes out is, "My mommy came to see Santa with her mommy and he gave her a candy cane and a ribbon."

Santa and the man start laughing but not in a cruel way. Not like Nathan and the other kids at school.

"I see," he says eventually. "I don't think I have that but I know I have a wonderful gift for you. Elf, will you look in my sack?"

Elf! That's why they're dressed in green. The elf reaches into the bag and hands something to Santa. He looks, nods in approval and hands it to Jess. He turns it over in his hands. It's flat and silver and flashes different colours when it catches the light. He slowly unwraps it. It's a book.

"Thank you," Jess whispers. He's not sure what he thinks. He really wanted a turtle or a truck but this is different and he likes books. He knew how to read before school, somehow, and all the books there are boring but this one looks interesting, like the ones at the library. It's long and there's a promise of magic inside and excitement starts to spark in his chest. He's never had his own book before.

"You're very welcome," Santa says. "Merry Christmas!"

He smiles at Jess again which makes a smile creep over his lips too. Santa's different from all the other grown-ups. He's not smoking or drinking, like Liz and her special friends, or mad at him all the time like the teachers and kids' moms at school. They're mad at him no matter what.

"Jess! Jesse!"

Jess whirls round to see Liz, frantic. She's breathing hard and when she sees him she grabs his shoulders.

"What were you thinking?"

"I wanted to see Santa," Jess says stubbornly. "He gave me a book, look!"

Liz glances down but doesn't look properly.

"You scared me!" she admonishes. "You're not supposed to wander off!"

Liz wandered off all the time, Jess wants to say. Like the Fourth of July party where she left him by the hotdog stand and he found her alone under a tree with a guy. He doesn't say any of this though and instead sulks, hugging the book to his chest.

"Now, now!" says Santa in a cheerful voice. "No harm done and it's Christmas after all!"

Liz is flustered, a blush spreading over her cheeks.

"I'm sorry," she says, sounding almost as young as Jess. "God, I'm a – I'm sorry. And you let him see you. How much is it?"

"Two dollars," says the woman loudly. Jess doesn't think she sounds much like an elf. He thought they were supposed to smile.

Liz starts digging in her purse but Santa waves his hand at her.

"Keep it for something special."

"But –"

"It's Christmas," he says again. "Here –"

He has a tray beside him and he fetches two candy canes, one for Jess and one for Liz. She stares.

"No hair ribbons, I'm afraid," Santa says. Liz seems stunned.

"How did you – Jess?"

Jess hopes she won't get mad but instead a kind of smile spreads over her face.

"Thank you," she says sincerely. "I mean it, anything could've –"

"We wouldn't have let him walk out on his own," Santa says. "Go home and enjoy your gifts. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," Liz whispers. Jess is about to say the same when suddenly he finds himself running over and hugging Santa tightly.

"Jess!"

Santa isn't annoyed. He chuckles and pats Jess on the head, wishes them a Merry Christmas once more and watches them walk away.

Jess starts reading his book the minute he gets home. It's cold in the apartment because Liz hasn't paid the heating bill but he doesn't care. He huddles under the blankets on his bed and reads all about a girl who can do magic and reads all the books in the world. He doesn't stumble over the hard words or get bored with the easy ones – he reads and reads and reads and Liz has to call him twice for dinner.

It's tinned spaghetti for dinner like it is most nights. Jess likes spaghetti though and cheerfully winds it round his fork.

"You're happy," Liz says fondly and Jess nods proudly.

"I like my book."

"You do, huh? I never read much, me or Luke."

"Is Uncle Luke coming for Christmas this year?"

"Probably not," Liz says sourly and she scowls when Jess asks,

"Can we go see him? I want to go to Netticut."

"Connecticut," Liz corrects. "And no. I don't have the money for gas."

"But –"

"My brother doesn't want to see me," Liz snaps. "I embarrass him."

Jess eats the rest of his dinner in silence. Uncle Luke is another subject he knows not to touch, it makes Liz mad and it's a shame. Uncle Luke came to see him once. He carried him around on his shoulders and said he looked just like his grandpa, whose middle name Jess owes. He doesn't see him much but Luke still sends a birthday present every year. He remembers Christmas too, though he never comes. Somehow he always gets a gift through, even though Santa was late last year. Liz said it was because they'd just moved.

Liz sighs and finishes her spaghetti, a sad look to her eye. Jess washes up without being asked and then he goes back to his book. He gets lost in the world of the girl and somehow he's aching with her when the other characters are mean. He wants her to be okay too.

Jess puts the book down when he hears a crash. Liz has dropped a plate but says,

"It's okay," as soon as he comes out of his room. "It was plastic, thank God."

Jess waits for her to pick it up and then says proudly,

"Liz, I know what I want to be when I grow up."

Liz laughs out loud at his eagerness.

"You do, huh?" she chortles. "Good for you kid, I can't figure out what I want to do when I grow up and I'm a quarter of a century. Depressing, huh?"

Jess nods. A quarter of a century sounds old, even though he heard Kevin's mom mutter that Liz was practically a child.

"So tell me," she says, sitting on the couch and patting beside her. "What do you want to be?"

Jess runs and sits beside her.

"I'm going to write books," he says firmly. "I'm going to write stories for kids just like me."

"Really?" Liz asks, a strangeness to her tone. "A writer? Well, you'd be the first in the family. Sometimes I screw up writing my own name."

"I'm going to be like the girl in the book," Jess says happily. "And I'm going to meet a girl like the one in the book. She's cool and smart and she can do magic."

Liz laughs out loud at this.

"Another first for the family! Us Danes are unlucky in love, kiddo, even with people who can do magic."

"My last name is Mariano!"

"Yeah, and that's not too lucky either," Liz sighs.

"How come I have a different name than you?" Jess asks and Liz smiles sadly.

"I thought it might bring you luck."

She squeezes Jess's hand and says he should have a bath before bed.

She's in a good mood tonight. She remembered dinner and bathtime and Jess is happy too, thinking about his book. After the bath Liz suggests sleeping in the big bed together and Jess is even happier. He used to always share her bed until she met some guy. Then he had to sleep on a sofa. He looked round the door at them once. It looked like they were wrestling without any clothes.

Jess has his own bed now but it still feels weird. He feels safer, sleeping beside Liz. She can't disappear like she does some mornings and he holds her hand tight. She rolls over in bed, already sleeping and Jess remembers something. He runs back into his own room and gets the book and a pencil. He picks up a flashlight as well and hurries back to Liz's bedroom. A glance out of the window shows it is snowing. He doesn't like writing as much as reading but he switches his flashlight on all the same. Carefully, so as not to wake Liz, he remembers the word Liz used. He puts pencil to page and scribes in the margins, Ime going to be a riter. He smiles, flicks through the page to an illustration of the girl who has long brown hair. Beside it he writes Ime goin to mary you.

He closes the book and switches off the flashlight. Liz is breathing heavily beside him and Jess closes his eyes. The day swarms sleepily before his eyes: the mall, the hair ribbon, Santa and the book, the wonderful story. He thinks of the girl. He thinks of how he wants to write a story about her too and wonders where she is. He wonders if he should learn how to do magic. He pictures them together, writing books and making magic and closes his eyes in a Christmas wish.

I'm going to be a writer. I'm going to marry you.