"Mixed Metaphors"
Ship of the Line
- Frappé -

A/N: Don't own squat, 'cept the plot.
Canon? What Canon?

TNG/BtVS/SG-1 Crossover
Ship of the Line Challenge

Higher Realms

Janus, Q, and Ganos Lal sat at a triangular table – which not so ironically appeared like the standard Starfleet badge shape. Two looked pleased, while the third looked annoyed.

"And what do I get out of this?" Q complained. "Ganos and I have ships aplenty, while you," he pointed at Janus "are barely scraping by due to your proximity to The Pit! Several of MY ships are going to Ganos. Several of hers are going to you. What are You giving Me?"

Janus' head swivelled from a younger looking male, to an old appearing female. "That depends on what you want, deary. I can give your people more focus; the ability to make the harder decisions; and potentially control over..."

"Nix that last one right now," Q glowered. "My people are already developing that on their own, without interference, and without having to channel a higher or lower being," he sneered.

Janus' face spun to an annoyed looking old man. "Fine. I moved a portion of humanity offworld to police the rest of the galaxy. How about..."

We may never know what they finally agreed on. But, at the end of the QUITE long debate, which a mortal might count as months of endless arguing, all three felt that they got what they wanted.

As for the people involved. Well, you could say they were thrown in a blender... so to speak.

Enterprise NCC 1701-E – Cargo Bay 4

Everything hurt, from his skin to his bones. Or, more specifically, the two bones in his lower left leg. He couldn't move that leg either, as something rather heavy sat upon it. Visual inspection showed that one of the larger cargo containers was currently trapping him.

The lack of the Red Alert was worrisome as well.

Rich, red hair distracted him. He barely remembered his own name at this point, mainly due to the massive headache that appeared as he turned his head far too quickly. Still, pure instinct told him that his wife was unconscious right next to him, on his left side.

"Wiverly," slurringly whispered out of his mouth. Reaching with his left hand awkwardly, he felt for a pulse at her neck and sighed with relief when he found it. Then, just as awkwardly, what with his leg being pinned to the deck, he reached down and into her outer jacket, retrieving her medical tricorder.

Opening it with his right hand, he used the smaller scanner with his left and ran it over his CMO. "Moderate concussion," he mumbled, "but no broken bones." He then winced at the readings. "Severe bruising on her coccyx. She's not going to be happy when she wakes up."

He paused, wondering why it was so difficult to think. Images of some sort of aliens with yellow eyes and Klingon-like teeth kept interfering. Also, there were flashes of a small town that appeared to be from the late twentieth century.

Why on Earth were these things in the forefront of his mind?

Groaning from his left distracted him. "Don't move too much. You have a concussion."

The "Xander?" that came out of her mouth confused him. What was a zander? Her left hand over the rather substantial bump on her forehead, she groaned as she turned to face him.

He put a hand out to try and stop her from getting up. "Don't. You have a concussion, and large bruising is forming on the left side of your coccyx." Turning his head to look at her better, he was startled at how young she looked.

"Beautiful," he said, before wincing. "Sorry. Look me in the eyes." When she did, smiling at his inadvertent compliment, he nodded with quite small movements in consideration of his own headache. "Your left pupil is blown. I recommend keeping it closed until we get you to sick bay, unless you need depth perception."

"Depth," she started, looking confused as she touched the side of his face, tracing his left temple, before she glanced towards their feet; then to the ceiling and around the room. Her rather dry deadpan of, "Well, crap," summed up everything quite succinctly to his mind.

"Indeed," he commented, while wincing with a small gasp as something in his leg twisted.

"Give me that," she said as she snatched the tricorder and sensor, ignoring his protests. "I'm the doctor, not you... and you have crushed bones in your left leg;" Oh bother, now she sounded annoyed with him, and she's sitting up! "Your hips are showing stress signs of possibly separating; Your right little finger is completely dislocated.

"And to top it off, you have a whopper of a concussion of your own! And you're worried about me? Whatthehellwereyouthinkingmister?"

"Doctor Picard, I woke up before you did," and now he sounded annoyed to his own ears. Not good. "You were unconscious, and for a split second I thought I'd lost you. So please forgive me if I was concerned!"

Willow sat there, blinking in astonishment. She just used a medical tricorder and understood what she was doing, and Xander just called her Doctor Picard. A glance at her left hand, then his, confirmed that there were wedding bands on them. She would've fainted were it not for the voice in her head that said passing out now would be a bad thing for either of them.

Both of them were distracted by the sound of a bang, then a loud hiss and metal being scraped. He looked "up", which was across the room from his prone form, while she merely turned her head. Fingers forced their way through the small gap between the main doors.

Those fingers progressed to the point where they could grip the edges of the door, before the doors were forcibly separated, one side not moving very far, but the other moving completely into its recess. Both of them sighed in relief as they saw Data go from annoyed with the door, to concerned when he spotted them.

Data was drawn to the red hair first. "Doctor?" then he saw the pip on Picard's collar. "Commodore!"

As much as the Picards were changed, so was the android formerly known as B4. Instead of obviously artificial skin and hair, his pigmentation was more along the paleness of Northern Canada, with matching dark hair that had a more natural appearing hairline. As for his eyes, their former yellow-gold had changed to a light brown that was almost amber.

All in all, it was hard to view him as an artificial being any more, he looked so human.

"I'm all right, Data," the Commodore tried to calm the now more excitable android, as Data ran over to them, but was suddenly interrupted.

"No, you're not!" the Doctor nearly yelled. "Data, get that off of him, we need to get both of us to sick bay."

"Doctor," Data nodded as he stood from his crouch next to them.

The Commodore looked at her, exasperated at her 'fussing'. However, that stilled as he saw her expression change from annoyance to deep worry from whatever she was reading from her scanning his head.

Data surveyed how the container was positioned, looking for a proper handhold, before he crouched again, placing his hands on either side of the Commodore's leg. Both Picards were reminded and astounded at the amount of strength Mr. Data had, when he deadlifted the container, tilting it up and parallel with the deck, before walking forward, pushing it back to where it fell from.

"Always amazes me, seeing that," Doctor Picard said.

The Commodore gave a wincing grin. "Ship status, Mr. Data."

"The main computer is offline," Data reported as he walked back to them. Sensors, Inertial Dampeners, and auto-navigation are offline. You may feel the ship lurch on occasion. I have determined from the repetitive lurching that the ship is in a slight spin on all three axis. Verification through visuals outside the ship, also show that we are orbiting a moon. The transporter grid is offline due to massive chronoton interference."

"Temporal incursion?" the Commodore interrupted. "Did something appear from elsewhen, or have we travelled?"

Data shook his head. "Unknown at this time. Once the sensors have been restored, I should be able to determine that. There was a plasma fire in Cargo Bay 2, but it was extinguished by venting. Those conduits are currently being manually rerouted. Reports from Main Engineering state the Warp Core was protected from whatever event affected us."

"Could further looks out the windows determine where we are?" Dr. Picard commented.

"I will make the suggestion," Data nodded.

As he bent down to pick up the Commodore, the next question had him freeze for four microseconds. "And the crew?"

A quick look to the Doctor, as he picked the man up, Data looked pensive. "We need to get you to sick bay."

"Mr. Data?" the Commodore asked with a bit of surprise as the Commander walked out of the Cargo Bay, both carrying himself and letting the Doctor lean on him.

Stepping through the main door sideways, Data waited for the Doctor to step through and lean on him again before moving down the corridor.

"Sir," Data started, now looking worried. "You are not going to like this."

Picard turned his fear into anger. "Commander, I may be a Commodore, but I am still Captain of this vessel, and I demand to know the state of my crew!"

The Doctor gasped when she saw bodies on the deck as they passed. They were obviously dead; some with necks broken; others from severe blunt trauma. The source of that could be easily determined from the bloodstains on the bulkheads.

Data was very close to stuttering as he did his best to avoid looking at the bodies as they walked by. "Out of a crew of eight hundred and fifty five, there were forty nine either on leave, or on in the midst of mustering out of or into the crew from various locations, so were not aboard. Out of the eight hundred and five on board the Enterprise there were 96..." he paused, swallowing. "There were 96.7701% casualties," he reported quietly.

"Commodore, including yourself and the Doctor, we have 26 survivors. We also have crew members from different ships on board. So that number is 32, unless you count myself; in which case it is 33."

"We lost Geordie, Worf, and ... Captain Riker."

The Commodore was too stunned to speak, absently grateful that he wasn't ambulatory. The Doctor, on the other hand, leaned harder on Data as they walked.

"Oh my God," Willow breathed.

Data paused. "Can you walk, Doctor?"

She shook herself and nodded. "Yes. Yes. Let's go."

Cheyenne Mountain

"What have you got for me Walter?" General Hammond asked as he entered the control room.

Harriman looked up at him. "Sir, you're not going to believe this."

Sighing, George looked at him. "Just give it to me straight."

Instead of answering, Harriman turned on the overhead flatscreen. Confused, Hammond looked up at it, His left eyebrow twitched at the ship he saw, which seemed to be orbiting the moon.

"Is this some kind of joke?" the General demanded.

Sick Bay – a few minutes earlier...

Awareness came to him, not as abruptly as he was used to, but slower and with this odd ringing in his ears. There was also pain in the back of his head. He had experienced pain before, but nothing like this. It was too acute, and befuddled the senses.

He opened his eyes and froze at the sight of his mobile emitter on the floor, not three feet away from him. "Computer: Status of holographic emitters."

"Holographic Matrix is Offline," the male voice of the medical backup computer responded.

"Then how?" he was at a complete loss.

"That is a very good question Doctor," a female voice responded.

Turning his head, he saw Dr. Selar, the Vulcan second shift medical officer. She was running a dermal regenerator over a cut on her own scalp, with her fingers stained with green blood.

"How can I help?" he asked.

She looked at him with her eyes. "By staying where you are for a moment. You are injured. I will treat you."

He blinked. "But I'm a hologram!"

"Not at the moment," she replied with a raised brow. "Scans show you to be human." She clicked the regenerator off and set it on a tray. "Also, you seem to have regenerated the follicles on the top of your head."

His left hand snapped up and his fingers felt the hair that was there. "Why do I have hair?"

"Insufficient data," Selar replied. "Now, please do not emulate other human doctors, and stay still while I treat your concussion. We will soon have patients, and I need all the help I can get."

He glared at her, affronted by the accusation.

A/N: I have no idea what to do with this, and have been sitting on it for a long time.

STANDARDS FROM MEMORY DELTA
ALTERATIONS TO AUX CRAFT BY Jonn Wolfe
Affiliation: Federation; Starfleet
Type: heavy cruiser; assault cruiser
Service period: 2370-25th century

Dimensions
Length: 685.3 meters
Width: 250.6 meters
Height: 88.2 meters
Mass: 3,205,000 metric tons

Specifications
Decks: 29
Crew: 855 (standard);
6500 (emergency);,
9,800+ (max. capacity)

Maximum speed: warp 9.975|
Cruising speed: warp 6

Armaments:
16 type-XII phaser arrays;
10 torpedo launchers

Defences: deflector shields

Auxiliary craft:
2 Type 11 Shuttlecraft – Terra, Luna
4 Type 9 Shuttlecraft – Io, Europa, Ganymede, Callisto
2 Galileo Class Shuttlecraft – Capernicus, Einstein
2 Danube Class Runabouts – Amazon, Nile
2 Flyer Class Shuttlecraft – Delta Flyer, Itasca Flyer
1 captain's yacht – Artemis, (w/ATV Argo)
4 workbees – W01, W02, W03, W04
4 shuttlepods – S01, S02, S03, S04

Q, Janus, and Ganos are The Powers That Be?

Three Way Trade between them from the various counterparts of their champions to realities that would benefit the most from their injection into the different areas of the multiverse.

Champions taken from universes that were going to fail and mixed up in a blender, then sent to their new universe.

COMMAND STAFF

Xander - Commodore Picard [CO]
Alexander Lavelle Picard

Willow - CMDR Picard [CMO]
Willow Danielle Picard (Crusher)

Data - CMDR Data [XO/Sciences](Cyborg)
B4 Memory Transfer

Andrew - CMDR Barclay [Chief Engineer]
Andrew Reginald Barclay

Buffy - LCMDR Summers [Ops/Sec]
Belanna Elizabeth Summers (Human-Klingon House of Mo'Kai) (Torres-Paris)

Dawn - K'Ehleyr [Diplomat/Nurse/Archeologist]
Dawn(Jajlo') K'Ehleyr Summers (Human-Klingon House of Mo'Kai)

Cordy - CMDR Troi [Councellor]
Cordelia Troi (Full Betazoid)

Wesley - LCMDR Price [Doctor]
Wesley Julian Price (Bashir) (Post-Eugenics Human Augment)

Amy - LCMDR Selar [Doctor]
Selar (Vulcan)

Lorne - LT Dax [Engineering]
Lorne Dax (Joined-Trill)

Doctor - Voyager EMH [Doctor]
Robert Zimm (Human) (for Dr. Zimmerman and Robert Picardo)

Ethan Rayne - Elim Garak [Spy/Assassin/Tailor]
(Cardassian) in the brig

DECEASED
UNIVERSAL TRANSFER
INERTIAL DAMPENERS FAILED

Giles - CPT William Rupert Riker
Jono - CDR Geordie Jonathan LaForge (Jonathan Levinson)
Angel - CDR Worf
Gunn - CPT Benjamin Charles Sisko (Captain DS9)
Fred - LT Jadzia
Spike - LT Thomas William Paris
Larry - LT Vorik
Warren - Ens Lon Suder
Faith - Seven of Nine / Faith Hansen