Alex. In the pool. With a knife.

Chapter 3: With a knife

Six months later.

It got dark so soon these days. Alex switched on the lights. It made everything seem that much emptier. She still hadn't gotten used to the new house. It felt just like that: new-ish. Strange. Sometimes she accidentally wandered into a room that she'd forgotten was there.

Ryan had liked the Udinov mansion immensely. More than Alex had. It was so full of ghosts, despite being just a replica. Filled to the rafters with good memories turned sour. Her father whom she'd thought she was close to, only to later discover a detachment between them, in every interaction. Her mother; a shell of a woman. Her survival lessons. The fire. The whole house was a mirage. Shimmering, there and not there. No matter how many doors she opened, walls she touched, floors she walked on. It was all so obviously not her. She didn't belong there.

The new kitchen was maybe the most familiar place in the whole house. It's where they ate, even though they had a perfectly good dining room. It's where they did the washing up, side by side. Again, they had an expensive dishwasher for that purpose but it remained largely unused. It's where they had sex the most. Frantically, that first time when they'd gotten the key from the real estate agent.

(***)

'We're supposed to look around to see if we could see ourselves living here,' Ryan had protested as she slipped off his tie.

'That's what I'm doing,' she said. 'I mean, look at this counter here. Can you see us having sex on it? Can you see me licking your neck, like so? How about the fridge? Do the appliances come with the house?'

'I think so,' Ryan answered, hesitantly. Alex walked around him, touching him here and there and everywhere. Seduction isn't problem for her, though it is always different with Ryan. She never knows what he's going to do. Sometimes he gives in, immediately. Sometimes he resists, which is even better.

'Well, what about having me up against this fridge? Imagine that you're coming home. I'm preparing dinner. You've missed me, because, how could you not? You see me sitting here. And you're overcome by lust. You must have me right then and there. I'm wearing a dress. No panties: I was expecting you. You walk up to me, push me against the fridge. There's a little fumbling. Your belt, your zipper. You hitch up my skirt… Can you envision that, Ryan?'

He nodded, breathlessly. Alex extricated herself from his lanky frame, hands brushing his shoulders, her nose gently skimming across his cheek.

'Me too. So, I guess we're taking it,' she concluded, smirking. Ryan pulled her towards him, his hand around her wrist. He shrugged, feigning seriousness.

'I don't know. Imagining's one thing…'

They walked in tiny steps; he forwards, she backwards until her back was up against the fridge. He kissed her in that special soft way of his. It was like saying 'I love you' without actually saying the words. Not that he didn't do that also, often and loudly.

'I think we need to really test this before we commit,' he whispered in her ear.

'You think so?' Alex teased.

'Hell, yeah.'

(***)

Alex went over Nikita's phone call while chopping carrots. It was still weird that they didn't see each other almost every day. To have to rely on phone calls and emails and video chats. It was a lot like being a mole inside Division. Except this time it was the way it would probably be from here on out. Friendships change. Nikita was there and Alex was here. She felt a little pang sometimes, which was comforting. Yes, they had lost something. As close as they had been once upon a time they would never be again.

Life marched on. Sean a distant memory. Phrases he'd said popped into her head from time to time. She shared them with Ryan and he would look at her a certain way. As if he wanted to tell her that it got easier, but didn't want to lie. Grief got eroded by life or it eroded you. One or the other. Maybe Ryan understood that even if she had wanted to she was too strong to let it destroy her. That life would always go on for her.

Being a diplomat suited Alex. Literally. It was like a suit she wore. Part Alexandra Udinov, part herself. A blend which came almost naturally to her. She cared about the causes. She had money. She had a certain amount of power. Freedom to go where others couldn't. She fought for what she believed in. And at the end of the day, she stepped out of the suit and it faded away. Injustice didn't keep her awake at night. It didn't make her hit the punching bags harder at the gym. Maybe it should have. Maybe she'd lost something there too.

Being with Ryan had smoothed her out. When he kissed her, Alex felt like she was sliding into place. The front door opened and closed. Loosening his tie, Ryan entered the kitchen.

'Nikita called. She says hi,' Alex told him, while he kissed her neck. The knife kept up it steady rhythm.

'You look lovely,' he murmured. He swept aside her hair and trailed kisses along her collarbone.

'And you are one handsome handsome man,' Alex replied, putting another carrot on the chopping board. Ryan's kisses went up to her ear and then down again following her jaw line until he reached her mouth. Suddenly, Alex pulled away from him with a grimace and sucked the finger she'd cut. She took it out briefly to admonish Ryan.

'You shouldn't distract me,' she scolded before popping the finger back in. Coaxing it out of her mouth again, Ryan examined the cut and instantly went to work. He held her finger under the sink, cleaned the cut with some stingy antibiotic and bandaged it. Alex watched him work. Him taking care of her could have felt overbearing, but it didn't. She thought that it was sweet. Once he was done, he looked up.

'I hope our kids have your eyes,' she said. Ryan frowned at her. Amused, he shook his head.

'You kill me, you know that?'

Alex flushed. She was moving too fast. Or maybe he didn't want to have children. Did she want to have children? Yes, she did.

'Sorry, just dreaming out loud,' she murmured.

'Of course the kids are going to have my eyes. We've got the same eye colour. Who do you plan on sleeping with to avoid blue?' Ryan joked. Alex smiled and leaned into him.

'We never did test that counter, did we?'

The end.