So hum... This is (as you can see) only the first part of what will hopefully turn into the complete year at some point. At least it's an update and not a message that I've abandoned the project... I'll let you read. You've waited long enough...

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Chapter 12: The Twelfth and Final year (Part 1)

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The first day had been the absolute worst.

After realising that Naomi wasn't coming back, Emily had delved into the depths of her bed and cried for what felt like hours. She hadn't wanted to come out, not really. Her pain so deep, her heart aching so tangibly that she felt like she wouldn't be able to even stand if she dared walk out of bed.

She barely understood it to be honest. She'd been scathed in the past, hurt and disappointed, but none of these heartaches had felt quite like this. This one was so fierce that it was debilitating, rendering Emily's thoughts almost incoherent. She couldn't think about anything, could hardly even remember to breathe through her sobs it seemed.

She must have fallen asleep at one point though because Emily woke up the next day, feeling worse for wear. She felt sluggish, empty and the second conscious thoughts entered her mind, she wanted to cry all over again. Her eyes still felt puffy from the night before which meant she probably hadn't slept much.

She wanted nothing more than to throw her duvet above her head once again and wait for the surrounding world to disappear. How could Naomi have done that to her? How had she been able to run, without even leaving a fucking note? Did the blonde really care this little about her? Somehow Emily couldn't believe that. Despite the circumstances, despite the ache that had taken residence within her heart, she couldn't bring herself to believe that Naomi had felt nothing for her. She had. Emily was certain of it. She'd seen it in her eyes, had felt it in her kisses.

Yet, it hadn't been enough. The brunette could still remember how afraid the blonde had looked, how she'd tensed every time Emily had mentioned a talk of any kind. She realised now that she had probably scared the blonde, but she couldn't be mad at herself for it. It had been the right thing to suggest, she knew that. Sure, maybe Emily should have insisted they have that conversation before they slept together, but she couldn't even be mad at herself for that either. She had wanted it. She had wanted to feel Naomi's skin against her own, had wanted to see the look in those blue eyes when she made her come. She didn't regret the sex. It had been fucking fantastic.

They had connected in more ways than one. Emily had felt their passion take them just as much as she'd felt it melt away to make room for tenderness at times. They had met each other's needs on every level. They'd explored their bodies and their souls. Emily couldn't regret it. It had been like meeting each other all over again, but this time as lovers and it had been truly wonderful. She couldn't wish it had never happened. She was glad it had.

Yet, she couldn't deny that she was disappointed by how things had turned out. She could still hardly believe it actually. She'd been sure, goddamn certain, that Naomi had been ready. She'd been sure that no matter how afraid the blonde clearly was of commitment, she wouldn't be afraid enough to just disappear after their traditional Christmas evening like she usually did.

Emily had worked so hard to reassure her. She'd given her as much space as she had been able to, as much space as she thought the blonde needed. She'd given her time too. A whole fucking year worth of time actually. And she'd thought it had been enough. She'd given the girl the liberty to make a choice. She had thought she had.

Emily wasn't wrong, in a way. She had given Naomi everything and Naomi had chosen. She just hadn't chosen them. And that knowledge, knowing that Naomi had made the conscious choice to leave her in her bed, that was what was hurting so much now.

Emily's eyes brimmed with tears. She hated how she could still feel the ghost of Naomi's touch all over her body. She hated it even more that she actually wanted to feel it again and again. She should have been angry at the blonde and she was, of course she was, but she was mostly sad.

She didn't want to yell. She didn't want to throw things. She just wanted Naomi to come back and apologise and hold her in her arms. She wanted to feel herself surrounded by the blonde, feel the comfort of her arms around her. She wanted the blonde to kiss her hairline and tell her that everything would be fine and that'd she'd never leave again.

She wanted it so much that when she heard the front door open, she almost believed she'd made it happen. Of course, the next second she heard her sister's voice call out for her and her hopes were shattered. Emily didn't answer. She knew Katie would find her anyway.

"Emily?! Are you th-" Katie shouted as she walked into the bedroom, stopping short when she spotted her twin. "Oh hun..." she whispered softly, taking off her shoes and walking towards the bed.

Ten seconds later, Katie had climbed into bed with her and had thrown her arms around her sister's waist. She held her tightly as Emily's sobs renewed and although Katie wasn't the one Emily had wanted, she was really glad she was there.

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She must have fallen asleep at some point because when Emily woke up, she felt a lot more rested than she had earlier. She was alone in bed, but she could hear the soft hum of the telly in the distance.

She got up slowly and put on a pair of pj bottoms. She walked out of her room and followed the noise until she'd stepped into the main room of her flat. She looked around herself and quickly spotted the kettle on the stove as well as her sister's figure on her couch.

She walked a bit closer, her arms around herself and the floor creaked. Katie turned around immediately and gave her a sympathetic smile.

"Hey," she greeted and Emily could tell just from the sound of her voice that Katie was well aware of how fragile she was feeling.

"Hey," Emily replied in a murmur.

They stayed silent for a few seconds until Katie cocked her eyebrow at her.

"Don't just stand there, come here," she said.

Emily nodded and did as requested. She'd been sat for a full 2 seconds when Katie got up.

"I've made you some tea," she announced, disappearing momentarily into the kitchen.

Emily heard her rummage through her cupboards and a minute later, Katie was back with a mug. She gave it to Emily and the younger twin sniffed it tentatively. Her heart swelled when she recognised the smell and she took a careful sip. The hot liquid hit her like a ray of sunshine and for a second there, Emily felt a bit better.

"Peppermint with a hint of lemon?" she asked.

"Yeah... seemed... fitting," Katie replied.

Emily nodded and took another sip. Peppermint and lemon tea had always been the go-to recipe their mother used to comfort them. The tradition had started when they were 6 and their grandfather on their father's side had died. Both Katie and Emily had been crying for days after their parents had told them. One evening, Jenna had sat them on the couch with a movie and a mountain of blankets and she'd given them both a mug of this concoction. She'd called it her magic feel-good potion back then and maybe it was because of the name, but they had actually both felt better afterwards.

As they grew up they'd known it wasn't a magical potion, just tea, but Jenna had kept serving it to them when they were feeling blue. Emily wasn't sure why, but somehow, the concoction had always worked. Jenna had served it to them systematically for years and now it felt like it was ingrained in them. No matter the situation, even if it didn't change anything, that particular tea always made her feel a tiny bit better.

Emily smiled gently at her sister's gesture and kept drinking. She placed her head carefully on Katie's shoulder and together they watched TV. The older twin didn't try to say anything. What could she possibly say anyway? They just sat there for a moment and Emily was grateful.

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They finally talked at one point though, but much later, when there was no more tea and after Katie had cooked them a soup for dinner which Emily had barely touched.

"How are you feeling?" Katie asked carefully.

Emily pondered for a moment, her eyes trained in front of her, not really seeing anything.

"I'm hovering between tired, empty and shattered..." she answered after a few seconds.

Katie sighed next to her and Emily felt a hand being pressed against her thigh.

"I'm not going to ask you what happened... But if you want to talk about it, you know I can actually listen, yeah?"

Emily nodded, but didn't answer right away. A part of her wanted to tell Katie, it really did, but at the same time, she just wasn't ready to talk about it at all. It was too fresh. She couldn't talk about it while her fingers were still aching to feel the blonde's smooth skin. She couldn't talk while her tongue, her heart, her everything still longed for Naomi in every little way.

"Can I stay at yours for a few days?" Emily mumbled meekly, her voice uncertain and rough.

"Course," Katie confirmed quickly and the brunette let a sigh of relief escape her.

She couldn't talk, not yet, but she would. And while she waited, she didn't want to be alone. She was just glad Katie could understand it.

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The second day was, all things considered, better. Emily still felt ridiculously broken and didn't do much apart sleep and stare blankly at her sister's telly, but it was still better. Katie's place was comforting in a way she hadn't imagined it would be. She guessed though that the fact that literally nothing in here reminded her of the blonde was actually helpful.

She'd managed to call her agent earlier in the day to say she wouldn't be at the studio for a few days. To her relief, Joanna had been understanding. She'd even sounded a bit worried. Emily had brushed off her questions though, saying she'd be back soon and Joanna hadn't pried.

Her biggest surprise of the day though had been her sisters behaviour. Katie had told her the day before that she wouldn't pry for information and if Emily had believed her sister would restrain herself after just finding her, she hadn't thought her capable of doing so the next day. Yet, Katie had been exceptionally smooth and caring. She hadn't asked her once what had happened and Emily could not have been more grateful.

Her relationship with her sister hadn't always been easy, especially in their teenage years. They'd fought a lot and Emily had worked hard to step away from her twin's overprotective tendencies. The brunette was realising for the first time just how different things were between them now. If her sister had been a source of trouble and grief for a long time, Emily knew for certain that she was now a strong ally, someone she could rely on without fear. It was a great feeling to finally have that certainty, to realise that, no matter what, she was never truly alone.

Yes, she still couldn't tell her sister what had happened. Yes, she was still absolutely broken over it, her very fibre aching for Naomi, but at least she wasn't alone and that really did make her day much better than the one before.

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It was on the fourth day of her stay at Katie's that Emily finally found the strength to tell her sister what had happened. Jeremy was out with friends for the evening so the twins were alone. They'd been sat together for a while when Emily finally spoke up.

"She left me Kay..." she said almost inaudibly.

Her sister's eyes automatically drifted towards her, but Katie didn't say anything, opting instead for letting Emily tell her at her own pace. It was truly amazing how much the girl had grown.

"She... she said she hadn't signed any contract... and that there wasn't anyone else... and I believed her. I still do it's just... I knew we should have talked... Fuck... she looked so afraid Katie... I should have known..."

"Should have talked?" Katie ventured carefully.

Emily felt herself blush and bit her bottom lip nervously as tears gathered in her eyes. She took a deep breath and nodded.

"I kept... I kept wanting to and... and it's not like she actively stopped me but... she just felt so right and she looked so good and I just..." Emily interrupted herself to sniffle.

"You slept with her..." Katie finished for her.

Tears rolled down the brunette's cheeks and she nodded.

"I'm such a fucking idiot..." She hiccoughed as her sister reached out for her and trapped her into a tight hug.

"You're not... bit of a cock, mind, but not an idiot."

"Thanks," Emily chuckled weirdly between hiccoughs.

"I'm just joking babes," Katie muttered gently. "Honestly, you're not the idiot. She is."

Emily said nothing in response, her momentary amusement gone already. She could tell by the accentuated lisp in her sister's voice that no matter how gentle she was keeping her tone, she was furious. She was absolutely livid, but she was trying to hide most of her fury from her. Again, Emily was grateful. She wasn't in the mood for one of Katie's infamous angry tirade.

After a few seconds, the other twin let her go and rested a hand on her thigh in support.

"So you guys slept together and she... she left?"

Emily nodded, her heart crying out in pain.

"Like... right then?"

"No... I... I woke up the next morning and... and she was gone." the brunette explained with difficulty.

If she hadn't been hurting so much, Emily might have laughed at the complete and utter look of anger that appeared on her sister's face. Her eyes were wide, her teeth clenched so tight her jaw was white and the vein on the side of her forehead looked about ready to pop. It was quite comical, especially with the strength Katie was putting into not exploding.

"I swear to fucking God..." she mumbled under her breath, but kept her words minimal.

Emily barely knew how she was doing it. She could feel her sister's rage inside her own heart and she knew it was taking Katie everything she had not to lash out.

"I... I thought... I really thought she'd stay, you know?" Emily croaked, her vision quickly blurring as fat tears filled her eyes.

It was for that reason that she didn't see her twin's expression soften, but she did feel the other girl's arms wrap around her. Katie held her close and Emily started to cry heavily. She snaked her arms around her sister's waist and for the first time since the very first day let herself feel the loss of the blonde. Katie supported her, held her for as long as she needed.

Eventually, her sobs subsided a little and Emily moved until her head was lying in her twin's lap. Katie didn't question it and automatically started playing with her hair in a way that was blissfully comforting.

"Katie..." she whispered after a while.

"Hmm?"

"Thanks... for this... I... I don't know what I'd do without you..." Emily admitted.

She felt her sister's hand stop and glanced up in time to catch the older twin's pleased smile.

"Always, Ems. I'm here for you, yeah?" she asked.

Emily looked at her seriously and when she replied 'Yeah, I know' she really did mean it.

They didn't really say much after that, both feeling content with the silence. Emily was impressed at how well behaved her sister had been. She hadn't even insulted Naomi once. Just as the thought stroke her though, her sister spoke up.

"I just wish you didn't fancy total fucking twats..." she grumbled.

Despite the sadness she was still feeling, Emily chuckled lightly. She guessed Katie would always be Katie. If she was honest with herself though, that was a little comforting too.

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It took about a week for Emily to gather enough energy to face going back to work. Even then she still wasn't feeling all that great. As it turned out, her heartbreak hadn't just vanished into thin air and no matter what she did, she could always feel it burning inside her chest. She knew she was lucky though. Her agent had been very accommodating, giving her no grief for missing several days of work.

Katie had also been a total angel, dropping by Emily's flat a few times to grab fresh clothes since the brunette couldn't face it herself.

Yet, despite everyone's attention and thoughtfulness, Emily knew she had to get back to her normal life eventually. She didn't even know where to begin, but she knew she had to. She had to get a grip and get back into the swing of things. She had to stop mopping around Katie's flat, she had to stop staring into space in her studio instead of doing actual work. She had to stop being so silent, she had to start smiling again. Above all, she had to go back to her own apartment.

She knew all of this, yet she just couldn't do it.

She wasn't sure, but it felt to Emily like there was something blocking her. Like she had to swim from one side of a pool to another, but instead of water, the pool was filled with a thick, sticky substance, making it impossible for her to get across.

She didn't know what it was that was blocking her though. She could feel it, like a heaviness on her heart, like an extra weight in her limbs, like a dark fog in front of her eyes. She could feel it, but she couldn't name it.

Yet, she wasn't a quitter. Emily refused to let her heartbreak consume her. She had work to do, an entire show to organise actually. She'd finished taking her pictures and videos ages ago, but she still needed to arrange them, to regroup them, to give them magic, to give them meaning. And no matter how much she would have hoped so, the work wasn't going to do itself.

So Emily continued to go, locking herself inside her studio for hours during the day, only to lock herself in Katie's guest room at night.

She felt silly, childish even, for avoiding her flat like the plague. She could see the sadness bordering on pity in Katie's eyes every time she asked her to pick up more things, without ever offering to go herself. She knew her sister would never kick her out, but she could tell Katie was hoping she'd find her way home soon. Jeremy too. He was a good man, a man with a patience of steel- he had married Katie after all- but she could see sometimes that he missed the intimacy of living alone with wife and, really, Emily couldn't blame him.

She wanted to go. She wanted to pick up her stuff and tell her sister that she was grateful for everything, but that she was ready to go back. She really, genuinely wanted to. But every time the words tried to form, they died in her throat under a squeeze and a feeling of nausea.

So she said nothing and accepted the pity, accepted to be a burden.

Emily couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so low.

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As time carried on, Emily felt more and more guilty about her situation. She was abusing her twin's hospitality or at least it was how it felt to her. She could barely look into Jeremy's eyes most days without feeling incredibly ashamed, yet every time she contemplated going back home, the bile would rise inside her stomach.

Every few days, Katie would tell her she didn't mind and that she could stay as long as she wanted and needed to, but Emily still couldn't stand it anymore. So she started staying even longer at her studio in response. If she couldn't go home and she couldn't go to Katie's, she at least had her studio left.

In all honesty, the longer Emily stayed there, the more the place looked like a bomb site. There were pictures scattered everywhere, various computers opened with bits of clips playing, blank panels, panels with random bits and pieces pinned to them. Emily's main work computer along with her laptop were both also opened, different edits of photoshopped images on both.

And even in all that mess, even surrounded by what had been one of her most inspiring project, Emily couldn't feel at home. She couldn't feel at home when from every corner of the room she could see blue eyes looking at her. Hundreds of blue eyes and blonde hairdos and pink lips that weren't the right ones, but were sometimes really close. Hundreds of thighs and breasts and arms and smiles. Hundreds and hundreds of pictures of a few girls that all resembled Naomi, but weren't her.

It was torture, it was bittersweet. Some days Emily felt like trashing everything, like getting rid of the entire project would make her feel better. But on other days, the blue eyed blondes, despite not being the right one, felt like an ointment on an open wound, stinging, but still a relief.

Besides, it wasn't like she could stop thinking about Naomi one way or another. Emily was thinking about the girl so much she wondered if she'd ever think of something else again.

Everything reminded her of the girl, the pink flowers on Katie's neighbour's porch, the picture of a swan hanging inside her favourite coffee shop, the creaking sound of the metal swings in the park in front of her studio... It was everywhere and it was suffocating. Emily was still trying to make it out of her pool, swimming with all her might, but she was going nowhere. So much so that she was afraid she'd drown in the end.

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Two weeks after going back to work, Emily still hadn't gone back to her flat. Katie had gone several times, cleaned a bit even, but Emily just couldn't face it. She was still feeling like she was stuck, like there was a big wall in front of her and no matter how hard she pushed to get passed it, it wasn't moving.

She was also still staying late at her studio every night and even if Katie had remained on her best behaviour, she hadn't been able to stop herself and had told Emily she looked like shit. And she was right too. There were big dark circles under her eyes, her skin was ridiculously pale and she hadn't bothered fixing her hair in days. She'd lost a lot of weight in the past weeks, making most of her clothes look big and loose on her. She hadn't looked this sloppy ever, but apart from Katie no one was bothering her with it so Emily did nothing.

Deep down, she knew it wasn't good for her. She knew that letting herself go like this wasn't going to fix her broken heart, but she didn't know what else to do. She still had no idea what it was that was paralyzing her so well in this state of near depression and she just didn't have the strength to fight an invisible force. So she carried on working and Katie carried on worrying until one night in late January.

Emily had lost track of how long she'd been in her studio. The sky was pitch black outside, the streets completely silent, so the brunette could guess that it was late. She'd been working for hours, a loose old blue shirt rolled on her forearms, her hair haphazardly tied into a pony tail. There were boards of pictures surrounding her, but for the past hours, she'd been pinning images after images into one specifically. There were clips playing in loops in the background as well, but Emily was only half listening.

She had been shuffling through her pictures, a pair of scissors in one hand ready to chop specific parts to put onto the board for most of the evening. She had been in a trance for probably the better part of the entire day. She wasn't sure how it had happened. It wasn't like she really had any control over it. She'd just been taken over by something, some kind of force and had started walking around the place fast. She'd switched some videos on, she'd grabbed pictures and everything had started to take form.

It wasn't until her hands emptied and Emily was forced to stop that everything finally made sense.

As she stood in front of her now full board, various sounds finally penetrating her eardrums, Emily understood.

Her eyes widened and soon enough, tears were falling down her cheeks. She brought a hand to her mouth and stared at the board.

Right there in front of her was Naomi and Emily was truly an idiot.

All day, she'd been cutting bits and pieces of her pictures and assembling them back on the board. She'd chosen carefully, brows furrowed in concentration. She'd pinned the images again and again as her brain had guided her. She hadn't even realised what she was creating until it was staring her right in the face. There was no denying it now though. The result was undeniably Naomi. Sure, she looked a bit abstract- some parts larger, some in shades of grey and others in full colour- but it was still her.

Emily's brain registered the sound of the very beginning of a laugh and the sound of a sigh and a wave of shivers travelled down her back. She heard a sneeze and motion of lips being licked and she closed her eyes.

She hadn't just created the image of Naomi, she'd created her sounds too.

Emily opened her eyes again and looked around herself. Suddenly, she felt overwhelmed by it all. It wasn't perfect, but it was damn close. She sat on the ground, bringing her knees to her chest as sobs escaped her throat painfully.

She cried as the full realisation hit her. This was why she couldn't feel better, this was why she wasn't moving on. She was completely saturated with Naomi.

Her love for the blonde had crept under her skin so deeply that it had simply taken over. It had invaded her very being to the point where Emily had been left feeling like an empty shell, just full of heartbreak.

How could she go on when she had nothing left? How could she move on when her everything was simply Naomi? She couldn't and she hadn't and that was exactly the problem.

It was so clear to her now, so ridiculously obvious that Emily felt bitter chuckles crack through her sobs. For weeks she'd been a mess. For weeks she'd carried on half-heartedly, like a ghost of the woman she had been before and she hadn't known why. She'd felt desperate, beyond repair.

Now that she knew though, now that she understood, the overwhelming powerlessness Emily had felt for the past weeks suddenly didn't feel as crushing. If she knew what was wrong with her, she could fix it, or at least try to.

And the second the thought crossed her mind, Emily knew what she had to do. Her sobs subsided and even after they did, she continued to sit in the middle of her studio hugging her knees. Yes, she knew what she needed to do. Knowing didn't mean it would be easy though.

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I can only apologize. It's been forever and a bit... I have no good reason, no fantastic story to explain this. It's super shitty, especially with the damn cliffhanger I ended the last chapter on. I've been... okay? I've been a lot of things in the last few months and I feel like 'okay' might not be totally accurate. I think I'm finally getting to a better place mentally though.

If you guys are still following this you have my total respect and undying love. I'm not making any promises for the rest. I want to finish this story. Ieven know how to finish it. It's just a question of inspiration and creativity and hoping I can muster both in the very near future.

I never intended to break up this chapter, but I felt like I owed you guys a little something. And the end result is gonna be so bloody long anyway that the next chapter won't feel like a cope out.

Again, I'm so sorry. Thanks for the faithfulness.

MM xxx (and a million more)