"Merry Christmas, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, as the Joker entered the cafeteria under heavy escort. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. "In the spirit of the season, I've forgiven you for…" she began.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks, Harl," interrupted Joker, pushing her out of the way and looking around. "Johnny here yet?"

Harley instantly grew furious. "You dumb jerk!" she shrieked, striking him across the back of the head. "You treat me like crap day after day, but I have the generosity to forgive you for that, and you don't even care! You take me for granted, you use me, you abuse me, and you're completely apathetic about it!"

"I don't care if I'm apathetic," retorted Joker. He grinned. "Best joke I ever told…ow!" he shouted, as Harley punched him in the face.

"No more, you hear me?!" she shrieked. "This is the last year I'm putting up with you! It's over, Mr. J! It's over forever! I never wanna see you again!"

"Hey, that's great, Harl," said Joker, nodding. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out," he added, patting her bottom. "Johnny!" he exclaimed, racing over to Crane as he entered the room. "Merry Christmas to ya, buddy!" He embraced him heartily. "I just wanted to give you the compliments of the season, and to thank you for saving my life."

"Saving…your life?" repeated Crane, puzzled.

"Oh yeah. That story you read totally changed me," said Joker, nodding. "I was visited by three spirits, and shown my past, present, and future, and I learned that life is what you make of it. And so far I've wasted mine in self-absorption and slapstick humor. But I'm a changed man, Johnny, honest, and it's all thanks to you and Mr. Dickend."

"Dickens," corrected Crane.

"That's what I said," retorted Joker. "Get your mind out of the gutter. I've certainly got mine outta it, I can tell you. No more jokes, inappropriate or otherwise. From now on, I just wanna live an honest, sincere, good life."

"Well, this is…unexpected," stammered Crane. "But wonderful news."

"Ain't it just?" said Joker, beaming. "Anyway, as a little thank you, I'd like to do something for you. A favor. You name it, I'll do it. I know, how about I volunteer to clean your cell for you?"

"Oh…well…my cell isn't that dirty…" began Crane.

"Course it ain't – you're a tidy, meticulous kinda guy," said Joker, beaming. "But I could do a little dusting and sweeping, maybe scrub down the toilet, feed the bird…"

"So that's it," interrupted Crane. "I should have known. You just want to get to Lenore for that reason you still won't tell me about…"

"No, Johnny, I swear!" exclaimed Joker. "On my mother's grave! I was visited by three spirits and learned valuable lessons about myself! I'm a changed man!"

Crane glared at him. "If you've seen the future, why don't you tell me about it?" he demanded.

"Sure thing – you're married to some pushy broad and you've got a daughter who wants a pony for Christmas," replied Joker. "Which you buy for her, because you're a pushover."

Crane stared at him. "I'm…married?" he stammered.

"Yeah, to a bossy dame," repeated Joker, nodding. "Better you than me, buddy."

"I don't believe you," retorted Crane.

"Hey, you gotta have more faith in yourself, Johnny," replied Joker, smiling. "You're quite a catch. If I was a dame, and was into the skinny, nerdy type, you'd be top of my list."

"Change him back, Johnny – nice Joker is just scary," muttered Two-Face, passing him on his way to the table.

"Look, Joker, I don't know what game you're playing…" began Crane.

"No game, Johnny!" exclaimed Joker. "Not anymore! Changed man, remember? Here, as a gesture of my goodwill, here's a little Christmas present for you," he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out five hundred dollar bills. "That'll buy you a lotta fear gas. Now lemme clean up your cell, huh, buddy?"

Crane looked from him to the money, and then took it. "You have one hour," he muttered, heading for the table.

"Did ya hear that, boys?" asked Joker, turning to the guards and grinning. "I'm gonna do my pal Johnny a favor! Let's head to his cell!"

Lenore had been sleeping peacefully when the cell door slammed. She woke in confusion, expecting to see Crane, but began squawking in panic when she saw it was the Joker who faced her.

"All right, calm down, birdie," whispered Joker, kneeling down in front of her. "I ain't gonna hurt ya. I know you don't like me, and I don't like you, but if you help me out this once, I'll be outta your hair forever. How's that?"

Lenore studied him carefully, and then chirped. "I'll take that as a yes," muttered Joker. "Okay, Nerd Bird, let's talk."

To the guards monitoring the Joker, he was indeed doing what he had promised Crane – he fed Lenore, then began sweeping and dusting around the cell, humming Christmas carols as he did so. They shared a look of confusion as he began scrubbing the toilet and whistling, but while it seemed unusual, it was hardly suspicious.

What the guards didn't notice was Lenore hopping down from her perch, and gently fluttering up to the bars on the door, waist level with them. They didn't notice her carefully remove the keys from their belt with her beak, and then suddenly fly into the air, right past the faces of the guards, keys jangling.

"Hey, get that bird!" shouted one of the guards, and several of them raced after her, leaving two to guard the Joker. He continued whistling as he suddenly jammed the toilet brush into the toilet, and then flushed, causing it to clog and the water to overflow into the cell.

"Aw, you're making a mess!" exclaimed one of the guards, opening the cell door and heading over to the Joker. It was the last thing he ever said.

Joker seized his head and slammed it down into the toilet, holding down the struggling guard with one hand as he choked on the water and grabbing his gun in the other. He shot the other guard before he realized what was going on, grabbed a gun in each hand, and then raced out of the cell block.

Lenore had flown into the cafeteria and straight into Crane's arms, dropping the keys in his lap. "What on earth..." began Crane, but the guards burst in a second later.

"Get those keys!" shouted one, but several shots rang out, and they all slumped to the ground, to reveal the beaming face of the Joker, holding a smoking gun.

"Merry Christmas, everyone!" he exclaimed. "I got you a Christmas breakout! And you thought I didn't care!" he chuckled. "Harley, catch!" he shouted, throwing a gun at her.

"You think I'm gonna break out with you?!" shrieked Harley, furiously, grabbing the gun and throwing it back at his head. "I ain't going anywhere with you, you heartless, selfish monster! I'm staying here!"

"Harley, think for a second about what you're saying," said Ivy. "You wanna be in Arkham for Christmas?"

"I wanna be wherever that selfish jerk ain't!" shrieked Harley, throwing a finger at the Joker. "He don't love me!"

"Shut up, you dumb blonde, and come with me now, or you'll blow this whole operation!" shouted Joker.

"Harley, now is not the time to discuss whether the clown loves you or not!" shouted Ivy, trying to pull her toward the door. "But for the record, he doesn't!"

"Apologize right now, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, facing him with her arms folded across her chest.

"Apologize for what?" he snapped. "For busting everyone outta here?! I ain't gonna do that – I'm a generous guy, and I make no apologies for it."

An alarm suddenly blared through the asylum. "No more time to argue, toots, we're getting outta here!" shouted Joker, grabbing Harley around the waist and throwing her over his shoulder.

"Mr. J! Mr. J! Put me down right now! Put me down!" screamed Harley, pounding her fists against his back as he raced down the hall, the alarm blaring.

"Just calm down, kid…ow!" he shouted, as Harley kicked him in the chest. "It's for your own good! Anyway, I ain't cooking Christmas dinner myself! And think of the babies!"

Harley stopped struggling. "I guess we'll stay together for now," she muttered. "For the sake of the babies. But you'd better shape up, Mr. J!"

"Not a problem, baby," retorted Joker, firing his gun at the guards blocking their exit. "I'm a changed man, I swear it. No more senseless violence or cruel jokes, no siree."

He took a moment to beat a guard's head in with the butt of the gun. "I knew the guards here had thick skulls!" he chuckled as he headed out the door into the freshly fallen snow. "Aw, what a Christmas morning, Harley girl! It's gonna be a great day, I can feel it!"

"Me too, puddin'," purred Harley, who had been turned on by the beating and was now cuddling against him. "I love Christmas. And a happy guy like you knows how to celebrate the holiday season better than anyone."

"I do, Harley girl," agreed Joker, beaming in pride at the dead bodies strewn around the lobby. "May that be truly said of us, and all of us!"

He raced out the door, then popped his head back into the asylum, winked at no one in particular and added, "And God bless us, every one!"

The End