Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are property of their lawful owners. This story is written for entertainment purposes only and no profit is made. No copyright infringement intended.

Summary: You know those fics where Sam gets pregnant and runs away without telling Jack? This isn't one of those. The Asgard healing pod has some unpredictable side effects after Antarctica and we find out just how badly Loki wanted his hands on Jack's genes. Humor/Family

Timeline: Season 8

Pairing: Sam/Jack, though most of it is UST (Sam/Pete mentioned)

Spoilers: Specific mentions of events throughout season 8

Length: 7 chapters + an epilogue, about 11-12k in total

Update speed: You know me. This was supposed to be a silly side project and all chapters are written but if things go as usual, my perfectionist side will kick in and rewrite them. I'm hoping to post daily but we shall see.

Archive: Not without author's permission. NOT EVEN FOR PERSONAL USE. I don't want unsupervised copies of my stories floating around so send me a PM if you want to download or add this to archives anywhere else.

A/N: I know someone who strongly dislikes "Sam gets pregnant and runs away without telling Jack" fics. I personally find it hilarious when people hate certain story types with passion so... being the horrible person I am, I promised to write a fic where Jack gets pregnant and runs away without telling Sam about the kid. You've gotta love the scifi genre and all the possibilities, right?

This story has some deeper, more emotional moments later on but it shouldn't be taken too seriously.

I completely butchered the canon timeline of season 8 for this story to make space for my little addition but I've tried to keep the mentions vague. So you won't find long copy-past dialogues from episodes but there are a couple of lines here and there.

Oh, and the cover image is from Covenant (08x08) and I laughed for an hour when I first paused my DVD to that spot so... I had to use it.

Enjoy! And I apologize.

CHAPTER 1

"Thor, buddy!"

"O'Neill," the gray alien greeted with a nod.

"Could you beam up the chocolate ice cream, too?" Jack asked and shoved the huge spoonful to his mouth. He had just lowered the pint on the coffee table when Thor decided to beam him up.

Thor blinked once, tilted his head to the side a little and looked at Jack for a few seconds before he manipulated the controls and the treat showed up on the floor in front of Jack.

"Now we can talk," he announced and took another spoonful. "Why did you need me here?"

"Have you noticed anything unusual about yourself lately, O'Neill?"

"Like sudden cravings for all things chocolate? Yes. Also, I've lost my charming six pack somewhere along the way but then again, it's not all that surprising now that I don't run away from deadly aliens anymore. Unless you count sparring with Teal'c which, in all honesty, should count because he is deadly and an alien."

"Other than cravings and weight gain, have you noticed any other symptoms?"

"Symptoms?"

Thor didn't say anything, only stared at him, waiting for a reply.

"Thor, what's wrong with me?"

"I believe you are pregnant, O'Neill."

"Nope, I'm pretty sure that's the one thing that can't be wrong with me."

"When I revived you after the stasis, there was an anomaly in the readings but it appeared insignificant then. I did, however, continue researching and came across Loki's notes."

"Now that's a name I was hoping I'd never have to hear again. I thought he was locked up somewhere."

"He is. But I believe he had a secondary plan in case the cloning process did not work."

"And this secondary plan includes..."

"Producing a genetic offspring for you, O'Neill."

"Ah, a kid."

"I believe that he ignored a few limitations in his haste to put the plan into action."

"Yeah, like ninety-nine percent of the reproduction section in the biology book!" Jack snapped. "I'm not pregnant, Thor."

"He produced an artificial womb for the embryo and implanted it in your stomach cavity. The cells were in dormant state and the embryo was only supposed to start growing if Loki chose so. I believe, however, that using the healing pod to resurrect you after stasis might have activated the growth of the embryo."

"I repeat: I. Am. Not. Pregnant." Jack did, however, look a little pale and his words didn't come out quite as firm as before. Coming from Thor, the whole explanation kinda made sense. In an evil alien scientist kinda way but still. He just hoped that Thor was wrong.

"There are ways to confirm my suspicion. Would you like me to perform a scan?"

"Like an ultrasound?"

"I believe the process is somewhat similar, yes."

"Sure, why not."

Jack got settled on his back on the hard table and Thor took his place at the control panel.

"Uh, do you need me to lift my shirt or something?"

"No need, O'Neill."

He was just about to ask where the screen was when a hologram of... well, something, appeared in air a few inches over his midsection.

"Whoa!" Jack yelped and the thing seemed to flinch. "Is that..."

Thor manipulated the controls and the image turned a little, revealing a fetus in a slightly flickering, red-ish tinted 3D picture. Or more like video because they could see its every movement.

"That is your child, O'Neill."

"You mean that is in my stomach right now?" No wonder his pants had felt a little tight lately.

"Yes. The hologram is a life-size representation of your child."

"You sure it's mine? It looks more like an Asgard to me," he mumbled and reached his hand towards the picture, only to have his hand go right through it. The baby was sucking its thumb, eyes closed, looking very... focused on the task.

"All vitals confirm that it is your offspring, O'Neill."

"What about the other half of its genes? Wait, can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?"

"The offspring is female, O'Neill. And it appears that Loki used Colonel Carter's eggs to produce her. It is well known that she is more intelligent than most humans."

"No arguments about that," Jack mumbled and rubbed his temples. "So what you're telling me is that I'm pregnant with Carter's daughter."

Blink. "Yes."

"Great," Jack sighed. "Just great..."

"Would you wish me to remove the fetus?"

"You can do that?"

"Yes. I will simply beam out the fetus and all the artificial parts that surround it. Would you wish me to proceed?"

"Ah, let's not hurry, OK? I'm not gonna get rid of Carter's kid without asking her." That was one conversation he definitely wasn't looking forward to.

"Understood."

"Look... Is the kid fine? I mean... Obviously my body wasn't designed for this. And I was just possessed by Anubis the other week, that surely can't be healthy for a kid."

"She appears perfectly healthy. I believe she is slightly smaller than average human children at this stage but that is probably Loki's way to ensure none of your organs are damaged during the process."

"So... The kid can grow there all the way to, you know, birth?" Jack wondered how that would work.

"Yes."

"Without causing troubles for either one of us?"

"I believe so, O'Neill. However, I would like to stay in orbit and observe. And, of course, you will require assistance in delivering the baby."

"You can beam her out at that point? Without harming her?"

"Yes."

"Cool."

A/N: Let me know if you're with me. I'll try to push the chapters out at high speed because I have other projects to attend to but please leave a review. They really do keep me going.