I don't even know what possessed me to write this. I just got the idea in my head and couldn't rid of it until I wrote it. It's a Twisted/Starship crossover, although I couldn't see a category for Twisted so I've just put it in the Starship category. It's rated M for mentions of things that Achmed didn't do with a tiger.

Reviews would be much appreciated.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Starkid's wonderful work or any of the characters.

Cowboy Camp

If you were at cowboy camp on that warm summer evening you would have seen the events that unfolded. It started off with two young boys, both dressed in their best cowboy attire, playing a word game as they sat on the dirt floor of the mess hall.

"Lions!" the smaller of the two boys shouted.

"Tigers!" the other replied with just as much enthusiasm.

It was then that the ruckus broke out.

"I DID NOT FUCK A TIGER!" shouted one of the larger campers. He jumped up, his cowboy hat nearly falling off the top of his turban. "One was set upon me."

It was then that the only other adult camper decided to intervene. Yes, perhaps it was a little strange that a man of his age was at cowboy camp. It was safe to say that his grey hair and moustache were a little out of place here, but he was pleased to find that there was another camper who sported some impressive facial hair. He'd wanted to come here to cowboy camp for a while, but it was only now that he'd been able to work up the courage to go. It was largely thanks to a certain special friend of his.

He stood up, walking over to the other man who was frantically shouting about how a tiger was set upon him, occasionally mentioning something about his woody.

"Now why don't you come with me," the man said in his signature drawl, putting his hand on the younger man's shoulder and leading him out the door and away from the other campers. His hand was gentle, but firm, guiding the other man who was still shouting something about not having intimate relations with a tiger to the young campers who were all, quite frankly, rather shocked at the new words they were hearing.

"How about you start off by telling me your name, son," the older man began once they were a safe distance away.

"It is I," the younger man announced proudly, sweeping his arms out to the side in a grand gesture. "Prince Achmed!"

"Well nice to meet you, Prince," the older man replied genuinely. "My name is Commander Up."

Achmed made no indication that he had heard of the legendary Commander Up before, but that didn't matter as Up had never heard of the great Prince Achmed either. He hadn't even heard whispers of the rumours about the tiger.

"Why don't you start off by telling me what's wrong," Up said as he moved to sit down on a nearby bench, slapping his hand on his thigh once he was seated. "Take a seat on my lap."

The Prince hesitated for a moment before obliging.

"Everything always seems a little bit better from on top of a lap," the commander explained. Achmed nodded in agreement before beginning to tell his tale.

"You see there was this girl," he began, affection slipping into his voice.

"It's not Taz is it?" Up interrupted a hint of worry in his voice. Achmed didn't know who Taz was, but he did know that the beautiful Princess was not her.

"Good," Up replied once he was satisfied that this moustached man was not trying to steal his girl.

"So there was this girl," Achmed continued. "And she... she set her tiger upon me."

He paused long enough to hear a shocked gasp from the commander.

"Well, that cat, it tore right through the seat of my pants and grabbed a hold of my Woody.

"What did you do?" asked Up, completely enthralled and amazed by this story.

"I managed to escape, barely, with my Woody and his fucked up arm, and I made my way straight back to my land of Pik-zhar. I expected to be welcomed home like the prince I am, with parades and praise and women showering me with their affection, but instead..."

Achmed took a moment, a small sob building up in his chest.

"They... they said I made love to a tiger. Tiger Fucker they called me, and oh how they laughed at me. But I did not fuck a tiger. One was set upon me, and now no one believes me. They don't remember me for the battles I've won or the kingdoms I've massacred or the pleasure I've brought... there was this one time with sixty concubines, and I had to leave for a very important journey in an hour and so... well that's beside the point. The point is that now they only remember me for what happened with that nasty, nasty tiger. And it didn't even happen!"

By this point the tears had begun to fall. Up gently bounced the prince on his knee, his hand reassuringly patting him on the back.

"You know, there were rumours about me once upon a time too," Up admitted. Achmed turned to face the older man, eager to hear of his experiences.

"Did they accuse you of fucking a tiger too?" Achmed asked knowingly.

"No, no, no," Up responded quickly.

"Was it a lion?" Achmed asked. Up shook his head. "A gazelle?"

"No, they... they laughed at me," Up began. "They said I'd gone soft. They... they said that I didn't pee pee like a big boy."

Achmed was now no longer the only one with tears in his eyes.

"But it wasn't true and the one time that maybe you heard about it was because the gravity was on three times too high. You try peeing like a big boy when the gravity is on three times too high."

"I can imagine it must be very difficult," Achmed admitted. Up nodded, glad that he had found someone who understood.

"You see, Prince," Up continued. "I'm not the man I used to be. You know I fought in the robot wars. It was the final battle and Taz and I were fighting off thousands of robot Sentinels and then she got flanked by two Autobots. I ran to help her but I let my guard down and the Sentinels picked me up and they held me spread-eagle in the air. Then came Optimus Prime. That son-of-a-bitch, his chest opened up and he shot me. With a circular buzz saw. He sliced my in half, hot dog style not hamburger. But that wasn't all that I lost that day, I lost my balls too. So I had to learn how to kill from my heart."

"What a touching tale," Prince Achmed replied. He was rather impressed with this other man.

"You know," Up said. "When things were tough, I used to look into a mirror and tell myself that I was a worthwhile person. The doctors at the rehabilitation centre said it was good for me. Here I'll show you."

Up pulled out his small compact mirror from his pocket. He hadn't used it in a while but he still remembered the drill.

"You are a worthwhile person. When I look at you, I get a pleasant feeling. You can laugh at yourself."

Up began to chuckle, smiling to himself as he realised that he could now handle this. What he was saying was now true.

"Here you try it," he said as he handed it to the man on his lap.

Achmed took it, feeling a little insecure about himself, but deciding to give it a go anyway.

"You are a worthwhile person," he began. "When I look at you I get a pleasant feeling. YOU DID NOT FUCK A TIGER!"

"Good, good," Up praised, impressed with his protégé's progress. "Next time try a little less yelling and a little more loving yourself."

"You can keep it," he continued as Achmed moved to give it back.

"Why thank you," Achmed replied, very impressed with this man's generosity. "I feel like I should give you something in return. Would you like my Woody?"

He reached into his pocket and produced the small toy with the broken arm. After the sale of Pik-zhar, the first thing Achmed had done was buy a new Woody with a fully functional arm. He still had his old Woody with him, but he felt that this man needed him more.

Commander Up accepted the toy with a smile. This was one of the nicest gifts he had ever been given.

"His arm's a little fucked up," admitted the prince.

"Just like me," Up murmured to himself. He would take this doll and nurse it back to health. The doctors back on his ship could give it a new robotic arm and then Up would help him adjust to life with a robotic limb. After all, he had lived through this himself and was more than glad to help the young toy out in his time of need.

They sat there in silence for a few moments, both admiring their new gifts.

"I like your moustache," Up admitted, breaking the silence.

"Thank you," Achmed replied, genuinely glad for this man's compliment. "I like yours too."

"I lost it once you know," replied Up. "Well, Taz stole it. But I got it back and now I'm twice the man that I was without it!"

"What a fascinating story, do tell," said Achmed. It did sound like a rather amazing tale.

It was the start of a beautiful friendship. They were virtually inseparable for the rest of cowboy camp; riding their horses together, playing in the fields, eating together in the mess hall, grooming their moustaches or just hanging out in their free time. If any of the other young campers ever mentioned anything about Up going soft, Prince Achmed would be the first there backing him up, instantly threatening the child with his army. If the word 'tiger' was ever heard, Up would be right there with Achmed, telling people that it didn't happen and if they insisted it did he would set Taz upon them.

Eventually though cowboy camp had to come to an end. Taz came to pick up Up, noting the way he almost bounced with glee as he showed her his new friend and his new toy. Similarly, when a select few of Achmed's men came to escort him back home, the first person he introduced them to was Commander Up. Taz wasn't particularly impressed when a small army began marching into the camp, and immediately pulled out her zapper, but she soon relaxed when she realised they meant no harm and began talking with the smallest of Achmed's moustached men. It appeared they had a lot in common.

Prince Achmed and Commander Up kept in touch, each promising to respond if the other ever needed assistance in battle. They would often send letters to each other, sharing their experiences and consoling the other whenever it was needed. They truly were kindred spirits.