13

Elliot jumped at the sharp knock on the door, his surprise turning to acute nervousness when he realized it was the doctor, who he could only assume was finally bringing the results of her blood tests, throat swab and spinal tap. He took a deep breath before greeting the stone-faced physician. It was impossible to tell if the news was good or bad purely from the expression on his face though. Elliot hadn't seen the man smile once the whole time she had been holed up in here.

"Mr Stabler," the doctor greeted him with a brief nod before approaching the glass window. Olivia was leaning back against the pillows watching the doctor nervously as he approached, her expression resolute, but the fear in her eyes all too palpable to Elliot.

"Miss Benson," the doctor said, getting straight to the point. "The results of your tests have come back and I am pleased to say, they are negative for smallpox so far."

"What?" she stammered. She was completely taken aback. She had been bracing herself to hear the worst and so to be told she was free of the disease was the last thing she had expected. She wondered if she was simply imagining it. Perhaps the fever had made her delirious?

"Negative!?" she heard Elliot exclaim, obviously as shocked as she was.

"Yes," confirmed the doctor. "Unfortunately you're not out of the woods yet though, Miss Benson. You still have several days of quarantine left."

"Of course," Elliot said, seeing Olivia was clearly struggling to process the news and was apparently incapable of any kind of verbal response. For a moment he had completely forgotten about the fact that the remainder of the quarantine would still need to be upheld. He had been envisaging her being able to leave that room that very afternoon.

"So what's causing the fever?" he asked, still stunned.

The doctor turned to face Elliot as he explained. "Her blood test suggests it's more than likely some kind of bacterial infection, probably coming from her throat given her lack of any other obvious symptoms. We'll give her a general antibiotic which should have her feeling better in a day or two."

"A throat infection?" he gasped, amazed that it could be something so 'run-of-the-mill'. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. It was somewhat surreal though that something as simple as a throat infection could have caused them both such tremendous worry.

""They can make even the fittest of people feel pretty rotten," the accompanying nurse said, smiling sympathetically.

"The stress of your quarantine probably hasn't helped," the doctor said, turning back towards Olivia, who still had an expression of bemused disbelief on her face. "Your immune system is probably at a low right now."

"She hasn't been sleeping or eating properly actually," Elliot said, ignoring the resultant indignant glare Olivia consequently threw in his direction.

"It's very important that you try and stay as healthy as you can while you're in here!" the doctor told her. "I'll ask the on-call psychologist to pop in and see you. She might be able to give you something to help you sleep."

"That's not necessary," Olivia immediately began to protest.

"Just have a chat with her. She's very nice."

"I'm sure she is," she muttered grudgingly.

"I've written you a prescription for some antibiotics. Take one tablet four times a day. They should start working within twenty-four hours. You can take Tylenol for the fever and throat pain in the meantime. Just let the nurse know when you want some.

"Thank you, Doctor," Olivia said meekly.

"I'll be back to check in on you later," he told her before he bid them good afternoon and left.

…

"So a throat infection huh?" Elliot said teasingly, staring at her long and hard as he spoke.

"Seems so," she said with a slightly embarrassed smile.

"You scared the crap out of me, Olivia!"

"It's not like I got sick on purpose," she said dryly, ending her sentence with a deep cough.

"You should rest."

"No, please don't go."

"Sure," he said surprised at her uncharacteristic request.

"I mean, if you have something you need to do…then that's fine," she added.

"No. I don't have anything to do. I can stay."

"How long have I been in here now anyway?"

"Nine days."

"Is that really all?"

"You've only nine more to go now. You're half way there. "

"I could still get it."

"You won't. I just feel it. You're going to be fine."

"El…Thank you."

"What for?"

"Just for being here." She leaned back heavily against the pillows and closed her eyes.

"I really wanted to see that letter though," he told her wistfully.

"It's not that exciting," she said, her eyes still closed.

"What did you write, Liv? I want to know."

"Can't you just forget about it?"

"Come on, I showed you the necklace, so I think the least you could do is read me your letter."

"I don't know El. These things don't have quite the same impact if the person writing it is still here."

"But you obviously wanted to tell me something; something so important that you wrote it down. Why can't you just tell me now?"

"I don't know…" she said, turning her head away to the side so he could no longer see her face.

"Liv? Don't shut down on me now. We need to talk about this."

"About what?"

"About us."

"About us?"

"Yeah, about us. About the huge elephant in the room."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right." He sighed heavily.

They remained in silence for a short while. Finally she spoke.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"It's fine, Olivia. Just forget it."

She flinched at his usage of her full name.

"Let's get you through the next nine days, okay?" he added. "We can talk after this is over."

"I care about you, El," she said softly. "You must know that."

Slowly he nodded. "I do and I care about you too Liv."

They lapsed back into another prolonged silence that this time Elliot broke.

"I think chatting with the psychiatrist is a good idea, you know."

"Not you too!" she sighed.

"I'm worried about you Olivia."

"I'll be fine once I get out of this God-damned place," she snapped. "I mean, seriously Elliot. What do you expect? I'm in quarantine for a deadly disease. Wouldn't it be more worrying if I wasn't having difficulty sleeping?"

"I get that, but you know very well I'm referring to what you told me about what happened last May."

"I've been regularly seeing a therapist. I told you that."

"I know you Olivia. Don't try to bullshit me, okay?"

"So you think I'm lying about that? You have some balls, Stabler."

"So you're saying you don't think about it constantly still? That being in here, locked up doesn't make everything so much worse: that you don't see that creep every time you close your eyes? That the nightmares don't keep you awake at night?"

"I'm saying that I'm dealing with it as best as I can, in the only way I know how. Really, what do you want from me?"

"I just want you to be honest with me, but more importantly with yourself."

"Fine. What do you want to hear? That you're right? That I'm not coping? That his face, his voice, his sickening touch doesn't permeate my whole being. That I don't constantly question why I didn't go for my gun and shoot the bastard when I had the chance? That I'm not repulsed every time I look in the fucking mirror and see my face and remember how I froze, and thanks to that I effectively let him do all that stuff to me, that I didn't fight harder, that I couldn't stop him…that he killed two people and raped another one right in front of me and I couldn't do a single darn thing to stop it… that…" her voice trailed off as the sob overwhelmed her.

"Liv, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you."

"Is this what you wanted? Do you have some desperate need to see me weak, to see me cry? Is this some kind of weird fantasy of yours, to swoop in and rescue the poor pathetic victim? Some kind of egotistical desire to be my fucking hero or something? Because let me tell you, I don't need one. "

"Liv, please, it's not like that at all."

"Maybe you should just go, Elliot."

"This isn't about me at all. This is about you; about us. It's about you being able to share this with someone. You're not on your own Liv. I'm here to listen, to be your punching bag if that's what you need. I love you for God's sake."

The words had escaped his lips before he could prevent himself. Embarrassed he lowered his head, squeezing his eyes shut briefly. It was hardly the most romantic way to admit his feelings. There were a million ways this could have gone better. He was an idiot.

Unable to resist his desire to ascertain her reaction to his revelation, he slowly raised his head, his eyes focusing on her face. When he saw the silent tears coursing their way down her cheeks he fervently wished he could erase the whole conversation. Why had he been so insistent? Why had he pushed her like that? What was the matter with him?

"I'm sorry," he mumbled devastated that she was so visibly upset and it was down to him.

"Did you mean that?" she asked. Her voice was almost a whisper.

He nodded carefully.

"I don't know what to say."

It wasn't the reaction he would have hope for. He could hardly blame her though given the circumstances.

"You don't need to say anything," he said gently, with what he hoped was a comforting smile. "Let's just forget it, okay?"

"I…"

"Look, I need to use the restroom. I won't be long okay?"

She nodded.

He slipped outside the room. Once in the safety of the corridor he leaned back against the wall, sighing heavily, his head in his hands. What had he done?

"Hey, Elliot!"

He lowered his hands at the sound of her voice.

"Alex!" he exclaimed. "How are you doing?"

"I'm great, thanks," she replied leaning in for a friendly hug. "How is she?"

"She's doing okay all things considered." He sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry I couldn't swing by before now," Alex said.

"She'll be thrilled to see you," he said. Alex turning up was a huge stroke of luck. He could now slip away, leaving the pair to catch up giving him a valid excuse to stay away for a couple of hours. Returning to that room and facing her was something he was more than willing to postpone for an hour or two.

"How long can you stay?" he asked his former colleague.

"A couple of hours I guess," she said, glancing at her watch.

"If you don't mind, it would give me a chance to pop home and get a shower," he said.

"Sure," Alex replied. "Have you been hanging out here the whole time?"

He nodded. "She's been through a lot." He knew that Alex would pick up on his implication that Olivia shouldn't be left alone right now.

"I see," Alex said thoughtfully. "I can't even imagine how horrifying this situation must be for her."

"She'll be really glad to see you," Elliot repeated. He imagined that by the end of her visit Alex would probably end up knowing a lot more than he would prefer, for the tendency of women to share pretty much anything and everything with their female friends was something he knew only too well after his lengthy marriage and experience with three daughters. Nevertheless, if Olivia could talk with Alex it might do her some good. He was obviously not helping her much at all.

"Is everything OK between you too?" Alex asked. It seemed her uncanny sense of intuition was still in full working order.

"I'm sure she'll fill you in," he shrugged. "Can you tell her I'm popping back home briefly and I'll be back later."

"Sure," Alex said. "It was good to see you again, Elliot."

"You too," he said, returning her smile.

Then after hesitating for the briefest of moments, he turned and walked away.