Harry Potter and the Seriously Evil Plot
(A Harry Potter Fan Fic)
By Thalwen the Stabby
Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)
Prologue
It was a dark and rainy night. Storms were brewing and the wind was heavy with poorly rendered sharks.
"My lord, it's raining sharks again," Wormtail muttered.
"Shut up you imbecile, it's almost time," the Dark Lord replied.
"Time for what?"
"Same thing we do every night you moron – try to take over the world," Voldemort replied and let out a long and clichéd evil-villain laugh.
"Now let's see... we've used a year-long contest in order to get Potter to touch a port key, spent another year trying to get a predictable prophecy. But now I have a better plan, a brilliant plan!" Voldemort went into another round of evil-villain giggles and then pointed his wand at a curtain at which point four girls appeared.
The first girl stepped forward, "I am Mary Sue. I'm from New York City but I transferred to Hogwarts because I already completed all my subjects and I've already completed training as a healer and Auror. I'm both beautiful and extremely strong and I know every spell that's ever existed but I haven't found the right guy. I'm just too beautiful, too smart, too powerful for the American ones."
The second girl teleported forward, "KAWAIIIII!" She Shouted, "I am Hello Su! I am a ninja and a witch and I have super ninja skills and I say KAWAIII and Konichiwa a lot... a lot!"
The third girl stepped forward sulkily, "I'm Nella Swen, I am nothing special, I'm ugly and plain and I have no interests except moping around and I'm just looking for the perfect guy to be perfect around me and maybe do some of that kinky stuff like breaking my ribs."
The fourth and final girl stepped forward sexily, "Fangs a lot for invoting me (geddit FANGS hahahahahaha). I am Enoby and I am a vampire and a witch and I do everything sexily and I need to find a sexy guy to be sexy with because I'm tired of sitting around sexily drinking blood and masticating."
The Dark Lord continued laughing like a maniacal school girl. Soon... very soon he would have his revenge on the Boy Who Lived. Not even the cruciatus curse would inflict the kind of pain Potter would soon be facing.. for soon.. very, very soon.. these girls would be making their way to Hogwarts for Harry Potter's sixth year and each of them had been enchanted to instantly think Harry Potter was their perfect boyfriend. Once he got his laughter together, he went to the window and rubbed his hands together the way only an evil stereotypical villain would and watched the sharks pour from the sky.
Meanwhile Mary was brushing her already perfect hair while deciphering ancient runes, Su was performing ninja kicks and yelling "Believe it!" for no good reason, Nella was sulking and Enoby was drinking blood and mutilating a fresh piece of grammar.