Author Note: Well... I did say it would be awhile; though I must admit even I didn't think it would be nine months... Enjoy!
-Ruby's Seven Point Contest Guide of SUPER DUPER AWESOMENESS-
(The following message should be read very fast): FBI WARNING: FEDERAL LAW PROVIDES SEVERE AND CRIMINAL PENALTIES FOR THE UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION, DISTRIBUTION, OR EXHIBITION OF COPYRIGHTED MOTION PICTURES, VIDEO TAPE, OR VIDEO DISCS. CRIMINAL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS INVESTIGATED BY THE FBI AND MAY CONSTITUTE A FELONY WITH A MAXIMUM PENALTY OF UP TO FIVE YEARS IN PRISON AND/OR A $250,000 FINE.
NOTICE: THIS LECTURE SERIES WAS INTENDED TO BE MORE PROFESSIONAL. BELIEVE US, IT WAS.
NOTICE: JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT, WE HAVE ANNOYED OUR STAR TO THE EXTENT THAT WOULD DRIVE ANY NORMAL MAN MAD. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Introduction:
Hi guys! How are you today? This is the one and only Ruby!
-Cue forced applause-
...
...That was underwhelming...
-Cue "Shut up and get on with the video!"-
Huh? Oh yeah, right!
Ahem, alright, first and foremost, I can't even begin to explain to all you guys and girls out there how honored and special and wonderful and magical I feel about being asked to do this little program - it's just something out of my very dreams! I can't wait to get started! I mean, ever since I saw my Pokemon Contest idol the great Monsieur Aeroganncé performing his signature Delcatty routine in-contest at my own tender age of seven years...
-Approximately two-and-a-half hours later-
...
-(although it felt like six thousand...)-
...And that was how I recovered Nana's lost scarf, the diabolical Milkman was apprehended, and Master overcame his Coulrophobia!
You know, that reminds me of another funny story that- huh? Oh... it appears someone is speaking to me... Um, cut! Cut here please!
-Around two minutes later-
Well! Just... Well! I mean, the nerve of that boorish, scoundrel of a director! How dare he insult me so! How dare he tell me that I'm 'Acting like a girly twerp'! How dare he! Why, I'm just as masculine and- and- macho as anybody here! (Just somewhat better dressed...) Why, I'm deeply enraged that such an outrageous implication could be made toward me! I-
Hey, why is that camera making those noises...? Is there something wrong with- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! Is it ON?! Did you leave it ON?! You moron! Turn it off! Turn it off! This can't be part of the tape! Argh, sic him Nana! Come on Nana! Nana?
...Nana...? No, Nana, don't lie down now! Sic him! Sic him! Nana!
...
...Sigh... this is going to be a baaaad day...
Contest Secret Number 1: Pick the Right Contest for your Pokemon!
Alright, now this is first Contest Secret here is EXTREMELY important; it may perhaps even be the very most important step of success in Pokemon contests! Remember that! After all, one cannot expect to ever win a Beauty Contest with a Geodude - or a Tough Contest with Beautifly! It's just impossible!
Well... alright, maybe 'impossible' is too strong a term. Sure, if you take truly drastic measures and start prepping and training a Caterpie for a Cool Contest from its very birth - making sure to instill the absolute proper diet and mannerisms into its impressionable baby brain - you could, maybe, do somewhat well in some areas of the contest...
But I still believe you should take my advice and work out whom is the PROPER Pokemon in your team to take on the contest you desire to enter, okay? Take it from the professional guys! After all, I- hm...?
...What do you mean I'm not a professional?! Why'd you hire me for this lecture tape if I'm not a professional?! Huh?
...WHAT DO YOU MEAN GOLD IS IN REHAB?!
Contest Secret Number 2: Train your Pokemon Star-to-Be Using the Appropriate Techniques for your Choice of Contest!
Well, looks like another good tip here! Wonderful! Now then, onto its meaning:
Well, what this Contest Secret is trying to tell you is that if you want your Pokemon to do well in the contest category you have selected for it, then you must train it in the appropriate manner! Otherwise, you'll get no satisfaction at all out of it when time comes for a real-deal contest! You need to make certain your Pokemon is disciplined! You need to be sure its independent! You need to know that its strong! Alright?
You know, you'd do well to allow me to be your example! After all, I'm quite the... independent, resourceful young man! I doubt you could possibly do better than- huh? Oh, my- my cell phone! Er... gotta take this... Um, cut!
...
...Hi Mom! So you finally found that seaweed-wrap spa coupon for me? ...Wonderful! I'll be over to pick it up along with the hand lotion canister I left there right after I'm done with-
...
That camera is still rolling... isn't it...?
Contest Secret Number 3: Exercise Everyday with your Pokemon Star-to-Be!
And we're back! And this right here is the next big step you'll need to take on your road to Pokemon Contest supremacy; establishing a stern, rigorous, and efficient daily exercise regime! You will need it to prepare for contests!
Now, I'm sure that if you're already an experienced Pokemon Trainer who realizes that your monsters don't simply get all the training and exercising they need out of a few measly battles here and there, then this Contest Secret will come easy for you I'm sure! In fact, maybe you have accomplished it already! If so, good for you!
But I'm sure that there are probably some of you people out there who are new to Pokemon Contests, or perhaps even new to Pokemon in general. Well no worries! My special guest today; Green Oak, will dissolve that awful fog clouding your mind on what to do about getting your Pokemon into sha- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! JUST WHAT DOES THIS SCRIPT MEAN BY SPECIAL GUEST?! MY CONTRACT NEVER STATED THAT I HAD TO SHARE THIS SHOW! HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?! WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR-
-Cue stuffing a gag down Ruby's throat and cutting to Green-
Thanks clipboard weenie. Ahem, hey guys, my name is Green Oak. I'm here to-
MMFFF! MMFFFFF!
...Just ignore him. Anyway, you may remember me from another lecture tape I did for this video company awhile back - one that... didn't go so well...
Anyway, regardless of that, my damn contract unfortunately called for three television appearances for this unholy company; so after consulting my agent, and hashing a few things out with the producers, we've worked out an arrangement that I would appear here today to provide a supplementary sort of sub-lecture so as to give this video an account on how to properly train Pokemon from someone who actually knows what they're doing. So-
MFFFFF!
Can someone just toss him down a trash chute or something? ...No? Fine... So then I guess I'll-
Huh...? Oh, yes... The... commercial...
Commercial Sequence Number 1: Green's Fast-Food Ad!
Perhaps there were some of you out there who wondered when I previously stated that I was obligated to three television appearances what my third appearance would be - a decent query.
Well... as it turns out, I've actually already made that appearance, in a... commercial...
Sigh... clipboard weenie, roll the tape so that I can attempt to pick up the shattered pieces of my dignity as soon as possible...
-Cue catchy piano tune-
Hello everyone! My name is Green Oak; just your regular average joe who is definitely NOT being paid exorbitant amounts money to come and tell just how SUPER excited I am about presenting to you today the new McDonald's Chicken BBQ Ranch Catalina Thousand-Island French Ham Bacon Turkey BLT Salami Hamburger Mac! Because that would just be wrong, malicious, and just plain NOT NICE! Hehe!
But did I mention how WONDERFUL the McDonald's Chicken BBQ Ranch Catalina Thousand-Island French Ham Bacon Turkey BLT Salami Hamburger Mac is? Because, I have to say, It's DELICIOUS! Mmm... And GUESS what; the Chicken BBQ Ranch Catalina Thousand-Island French Ham Bacon Turkey BLT Salami Hamburger Mac contains only 10 calories! That's right my friends! 10 calories! This amazing feat is because of all the lovely (coughtoxiccough) chemicals we've put into making it so you can enjoy it without worrying about that about awful weight gain!
The McDonald's Chicken BBQ Ranch Catalina Thousand-Island French Ham Bacon Turkey BLT Salami Hamburger Mac is wonderful, tasty, meaty, low-calorie sandwich that'll have you smiling at every bite! And it can only be found at your local McDonald's restaurant! So get out there and enjoy!
Mm... I'M certainly lovin' it!
To learn more about the McDonald's Chicken BBQ Ranch Catalina Thousand-Island French Ham Bacon Turkey BLT Salami Hamburger Mac, please call 1-800-TOOLBOX for further details. McDonald's makes no claim that McDonald's Chicken BBQ Ranch Catalina Thousand-Island French Ham Bacon Turkey BLT Salami Hamburger Mac does not lead to contracting various diseases disorders and attacks; including, but not limited to: Diabetes; Lung Cancer; Gastritis; Cardiac Arrest; Depression; Malaria; The Plague; Stomach Ulcers; Smallpox; Chickenpox; Cowpox; Roosterpox; TurtleBirdDinosaurLizardandMonkeypox; Flu; Tooth Decay; and a spontaneous allergy to Peanuts, Poodles, and people named Joe. McDonald's Chicken BBQ Ranch Catalina Thousand-Island French Ham Bacon Turkey BLT Salami Hamburger Mac is not a toy and should not be handled by small children.
-Cue end of catchy piano tune-
Wow...You know, after watching it played back to me, I now discover that it is officially impossible to restore my dignity... Screw this; I'm outta here! Sue me for whatever you want Pokécast, but I'm leaving!
Contest Secret Number 4: Feed your Pokemon Pokéblocks and/or Poffins!
-Cue bringing Ruby back in-
Well, Mr. Director, if you're sure that you are quite done switching me out for incompetent substitutes who don't even do what they came for, then I guess I'll proceed with the lecture!
...You know, gesturing with your middle finger like that is quite rude...
Ahem, this new Contest Secret says explicitly to the Trainer preparing their Pokemon for a Contest to feed them many Pokéblocks; this is a tip NOT TO BE OVERLOOKED.
Pokéblocks are very important to the proper training of Pokemon when you plan on entering them in a contest of any sort - because Pokéblocks help to develop them in the right way by enhancing growth. Have you ever heard the expression "We are what we eat?" Well, this is literally applicable to Pokemon and Contests - remember that.
Another thing to note is that- huh? Wait... someone's talking to me...
...Well so WHAT if that's not using 'literally' in exactly the correct way! Who cares?! I have a lecture going on right here!
...I said to put that finger down you obscene little-
-Cue getting back to the program-
Depending on the personality of your Pokemon, its preferences when it comes to Pokéblocks will differ; some Pokemon love spicy Pokéblocks, while some others like Pokéblocks with a bitterness to them. This is something that you may wish to consider when deciding what category to train your Pokemon to enter.
To make sure you understand this all, I'll put up a chart of the types of Pokéblokes and what attributes of your Pokemon's growth they affect before moving on to the next Contest Secret. Now then- wait... what?
...
What do you mean we can't afford it?! How small could our budget be?!
...
...I've never seen so few zeros...
Contest Secret Number 5: Disregard Everything this Idiot Says Because he's a Twit!
I don't think this Contest Secret is quite accurate Mr. Director...
Contest Secret Number 5: Disregard Everything this Idiot Says Because he's a GAY Twit who Will Never Have a Date in his Life!
YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE FUNNY, DON'T YOU?! I DO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!
Contest Secret Number 5: Pick the Right Choice of Clothes for your Pokemon Star-to-Be!
Pokemon Contests DO require the dressing-up of your Pokemon; an entire third of your score is decided on the fact wether or not you have a Pokemon who will stand out, adding some class and that beautiful placid, but showy uniqueness to the contest - so the outfit you pick for your Star-to-Be is no less important than the other preparations you'll be making!
I could go off on a long list of outfit types I've had personal success with in my own Contest experiences, but then I think it'd be best for you to figure out for yourself what works best on your Pokemon. Remember, don't ever feel restrained by store recommendations as to how to use your clothing or things like that; be inventive! Create a style nobody has ever used before you! That is what will REALLY set you apart. I know this because I- what...?
...Just what do you mean, 'sir' by saying that I an certainly wearing a style nobody has used before? Is that meant to be an INSULT?! Hmm...?!
...N-no! I'm not trying to start with you! I'm... just asking for common courtesy is all!
...Did I ever tell you how much I admire that... LOVELY skeletal dragon tattoo that goes so... gracefully... across your chest...? Hm...? That... must've been painful...
What...?
...
No... I don't think I would fit in that beer bottle...
...
...Yes... you probably COULD work it out...
Contest Secret Number 6: Put your Pokemon Star-to-Be on a Diet Appropriate to your Choice of Contest!
Now yes, I've already gone over the fact that Pokéblocks are very important parts of the prepping for a Pokemon Contest; but I want to point out that the kinds of Pokéblock or Poffin you give your Pokemon is EXTREMELY important! Yes, your Pokemon will have food preferences - but sometimes they just have to suck it up for the sake of the contest and eat things that they don't like. So when it comes to dieting in preparation for a Contest don't let your Pokemon rope you in to giving it only what it likes! You'll never win the Contest that way! You need discipline! You need order! You need to be in charge! Do you know how to be in charge?! HM?! Do you know how to be commanding and intimidating? Powerful and admirable? Strong and independent? Do you- wha? Oh! My phone again...! I... uh- hello...?
...Oh, if I go this evening I get a free mud bath too?! Wonderful! Thank you so much for the tip Mom! I-
...Did I just hear Dad sigh...?
Contest Secret Number 7: Have Fun With It!
...
...pfttt!
HAH! That's cheesy, even for you guys! Yeah right, 'have fun with it'? THERE'S your stupid advice for the day! Pokemon Contests are hard work; as all art forms are. I'm going to give you this point-blank people, there is no way that you are having FUN with Pokemon Contest training! Jeez! Preparing to do and doing the rigorous training and dieting and depriving that will make you win this contest is not. Fun. At all. It's awful! It's TERRIBLE! 'Have fun'? NOT happening! You are going to be with your Pokemon - training training training - until you are doing it in your very SLEEP! Otherwise, you are going to FAIL! As such, you'll be finding very little that's 'fun' about Pokemon Contests.
In fact, the only real thing that is going to be ' fun' for you people about Pokemon Contests, is finding out that you WIN! Winning is what's fun about Pokemon Contests! Climbing up on that glamorous stage to receive that shining trophy, and sweet blue ribbon alongside the partner you shared your sweat, blood and tears with, and watching your crushed opponents writhe in agony and envy as you hoist that golden idol of accomplishment above your head; OH! There's no single word that can describe utter than... ecstasy; sheer ECSTASY! AH!
...
...Sorry... I'm just a bit passionate I suppose... Heh...
...Hm? What's that, Director?
...What...?
'Winning isn't everything'...?
...
'Winning isn't everything'?! 'WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING'?! HAH! Somebody must be quite the loser when it comes to Pokemon Contests it seems! Hahaha! My GOODNESS, it seems SOMEBODY lost ALOT! Hah!
...Hey... what are you doing...? Are you- why are you- are you ripping up a floorboard?! Hey! Don't come near me! You- you stay away! Hey! Hey! HEY! AHHHHHHHH!
Ending:
And so, Ruby was promptly beaten to a bloody pulp. He lay twitching, writhing, and moaning on the studio floor for six days until he was found by a custodian (who was rather late to work it seemed.) He was then hospitalized alongside some weird hick who could whistle through his ears while playing folk music. By the end of the four months of his time resting, Ruby had learned to play Gangnam Style on the banjo; but that's another story.
Author Note: Ruby was slightly OOC, but then so was Green in his guide. I hope that didn't deteriorate from your enjoyment.
If you enjoyed this lecture, check out these other great videos from Pokécast:
Green's Seven Point Training Guide of SUPER DUPER AWESOMENESS!
Gold Seven Point Breeding Guide of SUPER DUPER AWESOMENESS!
Red's Seven Point Battle Guide of SUPER DUPER AWESOMENESS! (Coming soon)
Thanks for Reading!